Serial Attention Seeking flirt SIL - What do I say ?

[Tillyboo]

My brother is having all sorts of problems with his 2nd wife in that she is a serial attention seeking flirt. In the past 2 years there have been 3 cases (two within the last 3 months) of texting/ email flirting that has got out of hand.
Each time my brother has given her the benefit of the doubt with the promise from her that it wouldn't happen again. You may think he's an idiot after the first occasion but he left his first wife & his 2 year old son for his now wife and doesn't want to be in that situation again because it broke his heart to leave his son.

His 1st wife was a cold fish (basically made him choose between her and his family) and after a life threatening illnes my brother decided to leave and find happiness elsewhere. He has always had a loving & close relationship with his first son and spends masses of time with him and does more with him than his mother ! He's a brilliant dad.

This latest episode has sent him reeling and he said if it wasn't for their little boy he'd have left months ago.

Rightly or wrongly I have offered to talk to her this evening as she is now acting as if nothing has happened. We've only just booked a holiday with them next year and supposed to be staying over Christmas with them. I am very close to my brother and hate to see him in this situation.

My dilemma is .. How can I approach her without falling out/ telling her she's a stupid bitch and 'what the hell does she think she's doing?' .. She has a fantastic life, great husband, beautiful & healthy child, in fact everything she could possibly want.

It's like she needs a fix of male attention, it gives her a buzz.

Help !!!!

agree "anyfucker" but after you apologised others continued in an unnecessarily insensitive way. I am all for sense of humour and candour but that neither of those rule out tact and sensitivity, i am sure you will agree.

Oi do

I see to the OP's credit she has re-thought her original stance of tackling her brothers wife. I am glad, and mean that in a nice way. Only upset and further bollocks could come of that.

nice of you to say that- you aren't just anyfucker, are you

I think it also needs to be said, the Op was less than charitable about both her brothers wives.

Dittany has a point there. Re-read the posts, TD. Not much in the way of a considered, balnced view there about these two particular women. Although, naturally, your brother, after the traumatic time he has had, would be your priority.

btw, OP, sorry to talk about you as if you weren't here. Cos you are

Goodnight all- time to switch on some Barry (White) and Teddy (Pendergrass)

goodnight

Teddy lightens the mood

Your brother has certainly been through the wars but you do rather present him as this victim of women, as though second wife prised him on the first one - got him to have a child against his wishes.

Re. first marriage breakup - well, sadly it's common for marriage to break up post a big illness. My dad was seriously ill and after second bout of cancer became quite selfish and took all the help and buggered off. People reappraise their lives and often think - well bloody hell, I may as well do as I want and enjoy what's left of life. Just the way it is - tough on the partner.

If the first wife does nothing with the child and your brother does loads can I assume that the first child is sitting at home freezing, starving and unwashed with the mum? Feeding clothing and washing a child is an important part of parenting - not just the fun times.

I very much hope they can sort things out - your support is cearly vital to him. But be so very careful about getting on the act as I honestly think that family should be used as a last resort. Make or break type of thing.

The intention wasn't to present him as a victim, I've just presented the facts as they really are, and honestly so.

"If the first wife does nothing with the child and your brother does loads can I assume that the first child is sitting at home freezing, starving and unwashed with the mum? "

Freezing - No
Unwashed - yes, definitely. He goes to my brothers with filthy, ingrimed toe and finger nails - not just the result of a good footie game and other very grimy bodily bits (I won't go into detail, it's tea time). Clean clothes - no. Clothes, shoes and trainers that are too small for him, socks that are so small for him that the heels are in the arch of his socks ...

D'you know what? I'm going to stop there for fear of being battered again.

You may think I have been less than charitable about his two wives but what I have said about them is the truth. And despite being accused of some rather nasty things, I do actually like my sil, as I said, it's her behaviour that I dislike.

I haven't seen any empathy for a man whose wife is always on the lookout for another man to undertake infidelities with. Now why is that ??

Tillyboo

I would probably approach as per toughdaddy basically let her know that you understand things are tough at home and you are there if she wants to talk - you can only do this if you can keep things to yourself though.

I think JumpingDizzy has said something interesting by suggesting that perhaps the OP's bro has a habit of choosing unsuitable women.

Tillyboo, in case you are still here...you clearly care a lot for your bro, and are all the more concerned for his welfare considering what he's been through with his health and relationships. Do you think it's possible that part of your concern is that you think he's quite a vulnerable person? Is it possible that he doesn't really value himself as much as you think he should? This is a bit pop psychology, I know (though backed up with a degree in psychology ) but it's possible that if he has a tendency to choose women who will ultimately hurt him, there may be a deeper reason for this.

Thankyou to the last two posts.

I have spoken to my sil and she was soooo pleased to talk to me & thanked me. She said she's wholly embarrassed and ashamed about what she did, that my brother didn't deserve to be treated like that and doesn't know why she did it but said she does need the male attention and it got out of hand. She said she'd never have taken it to a physical level but that the buzz of a 'safe' virtual fling was just exciting.

I told her I wasn't going to judge but that I cared about both of them and that these things happen. She's frightened that my brother won't forgive her but I said keep talking, don't keep apologising and to keep the lines of communication open.
They are going away soon, on their own, with no kids so she's hoping they can mend some bridges.
She was pleased that my brother had spoken to me about it and that I was being impartial. We had a good long chat, and not just about what had happened, but about the children, our holiday and christmas etc.

Hopefully, the pair of them will be able to work through their problems. We both said that sometimes something drastic has to happen to realise what we have and make the most of it.

I wasn't going to even look back on this thread because of the harsh and unfair judgements made on my brother and myself. But, thought couldn't resist blowing a raspberry to those who battered me

Sometimes it does pay to try and help !

HUZZAH!!! Well done, young lady, for doing it so thoughtfully and getting such a great result. It just goes to show that 'keeping your nose out' is a nonsense as a blanket approach to dealing with other people's feuds.

You have shown that it's possible to get involved in an appropriately sensitive way, without damaging things further.

I'm interested to know - what did you say (and how did you say it)to your SIL?

You deserve a medal, m'dear, but I'm sure that just the satisfaction of achieving such a positive outcome is reward enough.

I'll blow a big, smelly raspberry at the batterers with you!

Hello Mrs TH - Oh bless you and thank you for posting back. It is really appreciated believe me.

I rang at a quiet time i.e no distractions for either of us and started by saying that I'd been in town and my brother had rung me because he needed someone to talk to as he didn't want to air his dirty washing with friends and knew that I'd be fair and understanding.
We had a giggle because I said I was trying to listen and talk to my brother whilst in JL and this weird little lady was following me close behind all the time with a shopping bag. It was very strange and quite unnerving so we were thinking up reasons why she was doing it i.e. she fancied me, was a store detective etc.
I had to give her the slip behind the polo neck jumpers !
It got a bit silly but it broke the ice and softened the situation. I'm a great one for humour, I think it's a very useful tool in the right circumstances.
I said that I wasn't ringing to judge or pass comment but that I cared about them both and wanted to know that she was OK and if she needed to talk I'd be impartial. I could hear the relief in her voice, she was very embarrassed but pleased to talk.

She sounded relieved to have spoken and thanked me as she knew that my brother bottles things up and knew that he'd need to talk to someone.

I have spoken to my brother since on a totally unrelated subject and he mentioned that things have been better, they are trying to get over this and move on.

A Happy Ending I hope

Why do some people here on MN feel the need to be so aggressive and judgemental. I honestly couldn't believe the reaction of some, personally I would never dream of attacking a poster in such a nasty way.
Still, I had the last laugh eh ?

Well done, you smart and emotionally intelligent woman. You clearly have a good idea of how to put people at their ease and it sounds like you handled it brilliantly. Top marks and a glass of the finest champagne to you!

A happy ending. Go bro. Go Sil. It CAN be good to talk and tackle others problems. Only you would know.

Finally..jeeez, that teddy pendergrasseyarse is a bit cheesey!?? Am listening to him right now via the link....feel like peeling my big sports knickers off, lying on the shag pile carpet, removing my false eyelashes while sipping a seventies cocktail...

Mmm actually, now quite enjoying it.

Happy Christmas Tillyboo

My faith in Mankind has been restored by the lovelies who have supported me on this thread - you know who you are so a BIG MWAH kiss to you all !!!!!!

Merry Crimbo