Serial Attention Seeking flirt SIL - What do I say ?

[Tillyboo]

My brother is having all sorts of problems with his 2nd wife in that she is a serial attention seeking flirt. In the past 2 years there have been 3 cases (two within the last 3 months) of texting/ email flirting that has got out of hand.
Each time my brother has given her the benefit of the doubt with the promise from her that it wouldn't happen again. You may think he's an idiot after the first occasion but he left his first wife & his 2 year old son for his now wife and doesn't want to be in that situation again because it broke his heart to leave his son.

His 1st wife was a cold fish (basically made him choose between her and his family) and after a life threatening illnes my brother decided to leave and find happiness elsewhere. He has always had a loving & close relationship with his first son and spends masses of time with him and does more with him than his mother ! He's a brilliant dad.

This latest episode has sent him reeling and he said if it wasn't for their little boy he'd have left months ago.

Rightly or wrongly I have offered to talk to her this evening as she is now acting as if nothing has happened. We've only just booked a holiday with them next year and supposed to be staying over Christmas with them. I am very close to my brother and hate to see him in this situation.

My dilemma is .. How can I approach her without falling out/ telling her she's a stupid bitch and 'what the hell does she think she's doing?' .. She has a fantastic life, great husband, beautiful & healthy child, in fact everything she could possibly want.

It's like she needs a fix of male attention, it gives her a buzz.

Help !!!!

MrsTH: the thing is, for all we know, the SIL is doing nothing wrong and the OP's brother is a twat. People who blunder in trying to 'help' when they only have one side of the story often make a situation worse, not better.

I think a trained counsellor is going to do a much better job of helping this couple than any well meaning relative. Sorry, but I think it's not your place to talk to the SiL. All you can really do is encourage the brother to go to Relate. I honestly think that would help them.
And I agree with the person who said that he might have his own reasons for wanting a family member to talk to his wife, as opposed to an impartial, observant, trained person. I mean, your advice is going to be biased in your brothers favour isn't it? And you just don't know the whole story.
Argh. No. Leave the mediation well alone, in my opinion.

No, don't think it's your place to talk to her about this unless your brother specifically wants you involved. You seem to want to through.

Relate might be a good idea for them -how do you know he gives her lots of attention? Do you actually know every single detail of their relationship?

He's your brother and it's great you have a great and close relationship but quite honestly his first wife was a cold fish who made him choose between her and his family (ie you) and he does more with the child than the mum. He left his first wife for another woman following a life threatening illness (well my dad kindly did that to my mum - cheers dad) and the second wife clearly doesn't know the day she was born and none of it's his fault. Boy, he must have some bad luck with women - cold fishes and flirts (sounds amlost Victorian) - blimey -do reckon there's a perfect woman out there for him? Poor guy.

There certainly does seem to be a family theme here and I say watch it as my relationship is on the rocks due to the way my dh's family meddle in bloody everything and where I'm made to feel accountable to my mil and sil and anything issue i have with my dh provokes a strong reaction with them.

Watch your step but be as supportive as you can be. I hope he can resolve things with his wife.

Yep, and I'll try the odd bit of spelling and grammar next time!

There are 2 sides to this, I'm betting their sex life isn't any good.

I'd keep out of it if I were you. He's an adult.

I haven't read the entire thread but it my be more constructive to befriend her nd get to close enough to understand her a but more from HER perspective. By being supportive of HER you may actually be much much better placed to help your brother BUT you must win her trust and contain your urge to take the direct approach to help your brother.

The other strategy (not mutually exclusive) is to continue to be there for your brother and let him use you as a sounding board.

Do you what it is bout your brother that she is attracted to? Is she looking for a bit of a challenge? Does she want him to "claim her"?

Thank you to all who offered constructive advice (MrsThierryHenry ) and kept an open mind, especially toughdaddy. That would have been the exact approach I would have taken if I'd have spoken to her.

However, I have made up my own mind to keep quiet for the time being.

In reply to some of the comments, especially the 'what goes around comes around comment' inferring that my brother was an arse or a twat for leaving his wife.

You don't know my brother so please do not make sweeping statements like that. He nearly died of cancer at the age of 29, at which point I think most people re-evaluate their lives. He hadn't been happy for a long long time and decided that life was for living. His 1st wife never shed one tear about his illness and yet cried for days over a bloody cat being ill !! My parents would drive 4 hrs to clean the house, look after the baby, buy the food, pay their bills etc. and she couldn't be arsed to even make them a cup of tea or say thank-you !!!!
She didn't make him choose her or ME, she couldn't bear him being close to anyone but her. We were all very sad it ended and my parents still made every effort to support her at the time.

His now wife is an attention seeking flirt, no two ways about it. I really like her but that's what she is. She'll even stand in front of my 68 year old father with a crop top on swinging her hips an looking down at her figure ... poor dad just doesn't know where to look.
Bad sex life ? My sil moans that she can't be bothered with it so why go flirting elsewhere ?
My brother didn't want to get married again but he did to please her. He certainly didn't want another child which he made blatantly clear at the start of their relationship - she got her own way there too. Everything she has ever wanted she has basically got. If anything my brother has been too soft with her. She comes home from work and would rather read the paper than give her child the attention he needs.

I know he is my brother and yes he has his faults, as do all men eh? but I just don't understand why she's doing this. I've seen her flirt with the ugliest of ugliest men, old men, young boys and married men.

LadyGP - My brother had an anonymous phone call from a woman saying 'I think you should ask your wife what she is doing with ...'
She'd been away on a course and had actually met this latest email/ txt chap. The emails were pretty explicit in what they were going to do to each other. That's what led my brother to the evidence.

She wants another baby but my brother had to have the snip because of further testicular problems (he had testicular cancer that went horribly wrong). Through all his recent worries of whether the cancer was returning all she could worry about was her and whether or not my bother would be able to father another child - their child was a miracle as his sperm count was basically non existent.

I hope that make things a bit clearer for some who seem to think my brother is an arse - which he is not. He is a hard working husband and father who just happened to fall out of love with his first wife, meet and fall in love with another woman whom he has given everything to. Is that a reason to think he is a terrible person ?

I am a sister who cares deeply about her younger brother and whom is worried about his unhappiness at the moment. of course I want to help, I came on here asking for sensible and sympathetic advice. I'll think more carefully in the future ...

If a kind person approached me to tell me that I wasn't treating my DP well enough I'd go ballistic.

How dare anybody step in and tell somebody how they should treat their partner. Unless you suspect abuse then it is none of your business and all that will happen is the SIL will detest you forevermore and nothing in their marriage will change anyway.

FWIW, my brother used to be involved with the queen of all bitches but we let him get on with it. If we'd had a go at her she'd just have been nastier to him anyway.

There can be no positive outcome to any attempted intervention, no matter how well intentioned. He needs to sort this out, and I don't get why he's trying to involve you.

Doesn't sound like you 'really like her'

Sounds like you resent her in some way, look down on and even somewhat despise her.

Really, keep out of it. Tell your brother to go to Relate if she is willing to - they will be far more help than any relative can be - they are detatched, have no personal involvement or ishooos to muddy the waters, nothing to lose or gain.

Tillyboo, sounds like your brother has a 'type'. Like some women go for the wrong men maybe he does women?

Sorry about the sex life comment, just I've been there. Now you've explained in depth she does sound like a lost cause to be honest. I know women like her, usually stems from their past. He maybe likes to think he can save these women? Or he's a big softie?

I hope he can find some peace in his life after all he's been through, it's not nice going through heartache.

tilly, my apologies for being harsh earlier

but you sound too involved

you sound like you know too much about your brothers relationship

you also give lie to the fact that "you like her"

you have made the right decision to stay out of it

don't feel disappointed by the the advice you have been given on this thread

don't be one of those posters who only wants to hear people agree with them, whether they are being reasonable or not

yes guys; when people open up and ask for support on a support website, we should be subtle. So well done "anyfucker" for apologising.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying how someone comes across. And I stand by what I said - it sounds to me as though OP does not like her SIL and even resents/despises her in some way. I can only go on what is here, and that is clearly elling me there is far more to this than meets the eye.

Why did he marry her if he didn't want to? Why did he impregnate her if he didn't want to? Why will he not go to Relate, which is clearly the right place to get the help he feels they need?

elling?? I mean telling

I just think that when people ask for support /advice there is a subtle way. In RL wouldn't we be tactful with friend asking advice? I think that it is good manners to be. The OP didn't suggest anything outrageous so we ought to be polite/tactful?

You MNers are the "tough" ones, not me.

Thank you, means a lot.

Ok, well in response to some of the other questions etc.

1. Maybe he does has a 'type', some people do afterall.

1. I don't despise, look down or resent her, far from it - just her behaviour of late. She stayed here the same night she'd met this other bloke (while away on work) - how could she do that? I am soooo disappointed with her.

When we first met her, I thought, thank god he's met someone lovely & normal. We have a real laugh, she's really good fun, she can be very kind and when my brother and she are together they are very touchy feely. It's just the attention thingy that so spoils her. They have just lost a pair of very long standing close friends through her and the other husband having a texting/ email relationship that was found out before it got physical.

1. I promise I'm not one of those posters who only want to hear people agree with me. I felt let down that my brother (and me to an extent) were being judged harshly without knowing the facts.

1. I'm really not too involved. It's taken my brother 2 weeks to tell me about this latest episode and a month the one before that so he doesn't tell me everything straight away - he's embarrassed and bitterly upset about it all. I contacted him as I hadn't heard from him in a while, which is not like him, we normally chat at least once a week (he lives 200 miles away). He has a great relationship with my husband too so they are always yakking about cars, gadgets, sport and technology. I asked if everything was OK (he's been under immense pressure about the baby thing) and it all came tumbling out.

If you can't rely on your family and friends for help and support, it's a very sad world

I stand by my post. You are too partisan to be of any help here. You understandably want to protect your brother, particularly in view of what he has been through, but you sound overprotective to an extreme degree. You clearly dislike and resent both his wives and I can't see how any intervention you could make could be of any help.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, you are clearly very close to your brother and have his best interests at heart, but there is nothing you can do.

dittany - For gods sake !!! Why are you replying in such a manner, why be so horrible ?
'Do you all get together and compare notes about how awful they are? You certainly seem to know about their lives together in quite minute detail'

BOG OFF !!!!!!!!!!

No, I wasn't there but my parents were. My dad gave up his job for 9 months to move in with them to help them cope. My brother was having extensive chemotherapy every week, a round trip of 70 miles+ which meant my dad had to drive him as he was too ill. He was extremely ill after each treatment so there was a lot of sick and mess to clear up. His wife was heavily pregnant and consequently a new mum so she couldn't cope with the situation. On top of that, the house had to be kept completely sterile because of infection, again, something his wife couldn't keep up with with a new baby. So you see my mum and dad were there 24hrs a day, so we do know ! And we also know how ungrateful she was too because she slagged off my parents for being in the way, even though they gave up their lives and money to support them.

Does that answer you're mean questions ?

I'm sorry, I'm obviously not coming across in a good light here. I'm trying to explain but I'm obviously not very good at it as most of you seem to think I'm an overpowering, overprotective, domineering sister - so, so far from the truth.

A simple, 'Don't get involved' would have sufficed from those of you out for blood. I've obviously hit a nerve with some of you, which is fair enough. I shall gracefully leave this thread now and thank those who have been supportive and fair ...

does "keep your beak out" not qualify as "don't get involved" then ?

< goes full circle >

Guys- many of you have all over stepped the mark. There is a cruel, rude, unmannerly side to some MNers that leaves me disgusted. Why do you enjoy attacking someone who is genuinely asking for advice like this?

genuine advice is given toughdaddy

posters don't have to like it

I agree, sometimes advice should be given in a more tactful way

for that I have apologised and stand by both that and the other comments I have made

I also find a sense of humour sorely lacking at times