Is it possible to have close platonic friendship with a member of the oposite sex?

[isit]

Not and acquaintance you get on well with, but a close friend, who you confide in and have fun with?

Until recently, I would have said of course it is, but lately, I'm starting to think that the things that make him a good friend also make him attractive IYSWIM.

e.g. DH is not a traditionally attractive man, but to me he is, because (cheesy) I know his inner beauty

So doesn't the same thing happen if you have a good friend, the closer you get, the more you know about each other, the more time you spend together, the more fun you have, the more you rely on each other, gradually, you grow on each other and the friendship becomes something else. Is that inevitable/usual?

IMO, if you are married ot with a partner, then it's impossible to have a really close platonic relationship with another man.

Just my view of course

you can love someone just as much as yoru Dh. just in a different way.

im sure you feel the same way about your siblings..you know them inside and out and rely on them etc...you don't ( i hope) want to shag them.

My best mate is a male, and he has been my best friend for over 8 years. We never have, and never will be anymore, and neither of us want to be.

He is married, as am i - not always happily in his case, but i think it's possible to stay platonic.

I don't think it is possible, someone always gets mushy and if the guy hangs around being pally it's usually because he would like it to be 'unplatonic' even if he doesn't admit it to himself. even if he knows you're married, even if he knows you are not into it like that... men enjoy the feeling of being 'attracted' and even tho they know it's impossible (because you're married or whatever) they still like to hang around
and 'be freinds' with someone they fancy.

ime oneboy he will have Secret Longings. its not possible in my world really. the closest i have ever come is with an ex from long ago at uni. We are friends now, both happily married. But I would never confide in him above dh.

HRH - sibs are different, there are ingrained social and biological reasons why you don't fancy them.

Hmm, all very interesting thank you.

What I'm really getting at is not if it's possible to keep the relationship on a platonic footing, but is it inevitable that if you really like a man as a friend, you will eventually start to fancy him too.

Kally, I think you're right and trying to understand what goes on in their heads is another thing altogether, but for women, can you really like a man and enjoy the same fun/closeness you would with a good girlfriend, but not fancy him? Even if he looks OK?

i have a gorgeous male friend but i am also good friends with his wife and am fully aware of what a pita he can be so we remain good friends with no chance of anything else ever happening.

I thought so (until he declared his undying love for me)

God that was a nightmare

I think it's possible. I have lots of male friends who I wouldn't ever fancy in a million years.

The older you get the less possible it is I have found. Bordom.

Sagacious, I think that might be what's happening to me - he hasn't actually said anything outright, but has become a bit soppy. Now, it could just be because he's had a major health crisis and he appreciates the support I've given him, but....

Surfer, I've known this man for over 10 years and that's what I've always said, but his health problem, coupled with the new closeness because of the way he's relied on me (to take pressure of his wife ) seem to have lead to a change there. I have no intention at all of allowing it to develop, but there is now no question that if we were both single, I would be a little bit "interested". This after 10 years of being pretty good friends and the idea of him being attractive being completely ridiculous.

I used to think it was until I was in the same situation as sagacious.

Oh Ico, that hit me between the eyes.

His illness started at the same time my youngest started school and (whispers in case anyone should think SAHMs have it easy) I have been a bit bored. His needing me conicided with me needing to be needed IYSWIM.

Oh dear, this has the potential to become a horrible mess.

I think yes, but that there will always be a slight sexual tension there, because you are of opposite sexes. In the same way there might be with a lesbian friend. All friendships are informed by gender and sexuality - hence relationships between women are often more competitive than between a man and a woman.

God it would be depressing if the only friends a woman was allowed or allowed herself were other women, would it not?!?

of course it's possible.

This is really making me think - thanks ladies

Bramshott you're right of course, this friend has been a welcome change from my mummy friends. Also the competitiveness thing you mentioned - it doesn't matter that I'm better at making cakes than him, or that he's the better footballer. Stereotypes I know, but there it is.

Women can tolerate a male friend without 'wanting them' for anything more than freindship. Men?... still don't think so, eventually they will want more. even if they don't follow up on it, it'll still go on in their heads even if they don't say so and hang around.

I think you can - two of my male friends I am very close to, and by close I mean in a 'call them up sobbing' kind of way. One is gay and the other is in a LTR. My DP has several good female friends, but is not as close to any of them as I am to these two men.

What I don't think is possible is the acquisition of new close friends of the opposite sex once you are in a permanent relationship. I've become friendly with new men in the years since DP and I got together, but those friendships wouldn't reach a level whereby we'd meet up and go out together on our own, whereas I would do so with my older male friends.

would say similar to crushagrape - once you are with dh/dp, its harder to get close to another man without it feeling a little awkward.

I think as has been said before, its likely there will be some tension on one side or the other if you are really close. I have male friends, but none that are anywhere like as close to me as dh, and if they were, over time, I think attraction would grow even if it wasnt immediately obvious to start with cause I think thats how a lot of relationships which end up being marriages/ltr grow.

isit - sounds like you need to be really careful incase you lose your good friendship though cause I can see how hard it would be to just keep it normal if you do start to find him more and more attractive, and then if you have a fight with your dh, he's there for you etc - not saying anything would happen, but could lead to problems.

Infidelity is not just thinking "I wonder..." though is it - you have to DO something about it. And if you are clear that you won't, then thinking "hmm, so and so is quite attractive actually" is not exactly a crime. No?

Great thread, I've wondered aout this a lot. I'm with crushagrape and conkertree though, I think.
And I have had a long term, close male friend fall in love with me, and it kind of ruined our friendship. Sadly That made me start to doubt that platonic friendship between the sexes is possible. I really WANT to believe it's possible, though! Gah.

I have lots of male friends.

I can think of 5 offhand now and I've not been romantically involved with any of them. I've met most of them for drinks without dh - and they without their partners, and there are no issues. dh knows all of them, apart from 1, better than I do as they were all his friends first.

One of them is one of my closest friends. He often rings me to chat and we've been out for drinks. I'll give him love advice and he's helped me out in the past too.

Yup I agree you can have male friends no problem at all - but its the really close sharing things that turn the person into a really good friend, that have the potential to also awaken other feelings about them, and as cheerfulvicky says - if that leads to one or other party getting strong feelings for the other, it can mean the end of the friendship.

I dont think its impossible to keep it platonic at all (if they are general friends that you meet for drinks, share some stuff with) - but if you get really close, and develop those feelings, it must then be hard not to let that take over.