How do I stay with a husband I cannot stand anymore?

[Loreleyjynx]

I haven't loved my husband for quite a while now. I'm beginning to hate and despise him. It's a build up of things. He let his Dad bully and harrass me when I was at home looking after our 9 month old baby and pregnant with our next child. His Dad used to light a bonfire next to my washing line full of clothes, if I walked into a room, he'd walk out. He never spoke to me - he just ignored me. He would be doing "jobs" around our house every day in the summer. He used to just walk in the house at any time of day without knocking. He once did this at 8.15 am one morning and I was half naked. He then tried to come in at the same time the next morning, but I'd locked the door. Now I have to keep my doors locked all the time.
I begged my husband to ask his Dad to stop, but he always just made excuses for his Dad's behaviour.
My husband is a Mummy's boy. If his Mum wants him to buy something for the house i.e a particular TV or cooker etc. - he does what she says.
I tried to make myself love him again on holiday, but on the last day he wanted to go to Dali Museum and I wanted to go to Barcelona. He said we could go to Barcelona as we had 10 hours to kill before flight, so we went. All day he hardly spoke a word and he was just hostile. I got lost in the Underground system and I was panicking because the kids were hungry and getting tired but instead of trying to help - he literally laughed in my face because I had "got us lost".
We rarely make love - I have to have a drink before I can face it. I can't stand him touching me.
He is trying to stop me going back to work because he says he's not coming back to a dirty house after he's been to work all day. He's blown his stack many times in the past if the house wasn't clean enough for his liking.
My husband is realy boring. His conversation has become excrutiatingly boring. He never wants to go out anywhere - he just wants to sit and watch TV or play Warcraft.
The only reason I stay is that my kids of 14, 5 and 6 years would be devastated if we split up and I took them away from him. (He's really good with the kids).
I's really appreciate some advice!!

firstly the thing with his dad...why couldn't YOU tell him to piss off?

i really dont get why you needed Dh to ask him not to walk into YOUR house?

As for noty loving him, if what you say is true and you really cannot stand him any longer then you are doing your children more harm by staying. they will grown up thinkning that this cold and emotionless marriage is normal. they will have a very scewed view of relationships as they grow older.

leave.

HRHSM - totally agree. I stayed with my ex for the sake of DS (then 7) but eventually ww3 broke out and I walked. Absolutely the best thing I ever did. Ex and I actually get on quite well now... totally unexpected but I suppose every cloud and all that

Mamazon is right, you hate him, you can say nothing redeeming about him, he sounds like a passive aggressive weed. If you leave him you are not ending his relationship with the children, just with you (although I notice you call them your kids, is he their stepdad?).

It sounds like a horrible relationship and if you think your kids don't notice the lack of love between you, then you're very wrong.

Hope you find the strength to get out - and definitely get a job.

HRHSaintMamazon - I did eventually pluck up the courage to confront his Dad.
I was 5 months pregnant and feeling very vulnerable, but I couldn't stand it any longer. So I marched outside with my other baby in my arms and just asked him outright why he was treating me like this.
He denied it and said "Like what? I don't know what you're talking about"
So I cited all of things he'd done and he just kept saying I don't have a problem with you etc.
Anyway I said to him that if he didn't stop harassing me, I'd move away and my husband could please himself whether he came with me or not.
He stopped the behaviour.
I still feel that it was my husband's job to ask his Dad to stop, especially as I was pregnant at the time.
Personally, I find confronting people really difficult, plus his Dad is quite an unpleasant person and I was quite scared of him.

Thanks for the advice.
My husband is stepdad to my 14 year old and he is dad to my two younger children.
I think I do a really good job of hiding how I feel. My kids are really happy and doing very well at school. We are very jovial on the surface. My husband must know that something's wrong but he would never discuss it. If I say I want to talk, he rolls his eyes and says,"What now?"
He wasn't like this when we met.
I'm just hoping that some-one might have some coping strategies?
I've been divorced before and it was the right decision for my son and I then. But now I just don't know.

Hi Loreley, I have to agree with HRH here, you are probably doing more harm to your dc's by staying in this situation. You say you try to hide it, but I bet you anything that they pick up on some stuff.

And don't forget about YOU in this situation. You deserve better than this, you deserve a life of your own without the pressure and stress from your h.

The big question is this: can you spend the rest of your life like this?

BTW he would probably still be good with your dc's even if you lived in a different house to him....

He sounds horrible, absolutely horrible. How dare he say you aren't allowed to get a job because you have to clean the house! You aren't a servant. To me, unless you are just having an awful day, it does sound beyond retrieval, and you don't deserve to be this miserable. Your kids can still see their dad if you split. Could you go to counselling to find a way to do it amicably?
Why did you get together in the first place though? Has he really changed?

Yes - he's really changed. When I met him he was so much fun and he used to love going out. He had hobbies etc.
I had a really good job running an Export Department and he used to love the fact that I was a bit mad and Bohemian.
Now he hates that about me.
It was only after I had the kids that he started to show his true colours - and I found out that he's like an old woman, literally obssessed with how clean the house is.

God, what a nightmare. HOw long did you know him before you had children?
Would you consider counselling, even if just to help you split up more amicably?

I knew him for a year and a half before we had kids.
He wouldn't go to counselling - I think I'll try going on my own.
I still honestly don't think that I could leave because of the children. They are so happy here. I really don't think that they are picking up on this, as we still put on a show for them, as if we are still getting on and we are very laughy and jokey when we are with them.

Do you think that they didn't notice anything in Barcelona? Are they never around when he complains about how untidy things are? Do they see you show each other affection (holding hands/hugging/snuggling up on the sofa).

You sound so unhappy. I do not understand why your children are better off with an unhappy mother. If this is something that has been going on for years and is not just a bad couple of weeks, I would seriously think about leaving. Particularly if he has no intention of putting any work into this relationship.

What would you say to a friend who said all this to you? Would you tell her her kids are better off if she is miserable?

Get to a counsellor, try to get your h to come to. Perhaps you need to tell him some of what you've said here. Does he know how you feel?

'He is trying to stop me going back to work because he says he's not coming back to a dirty house after he's been to work all day. He's blown his stack many times in the past if the house wasn't clean enough for his liking'.

He is showing signs of trying to control you - to keep you in your place and keep you dependent on him.

You may think your kids are not 'picking up on this' but they may be picking up something worse - that its ok for their father to treat their mother as a servant and control what she does or doesn't do.

SOrry to be harsh but so many threads start out with someone saying they are not happy. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships know that you need to either get him to counselling and see if the man you married is still there underneath, or you need to leave him.

Staying, in the relationship you have now, with the children witnessing how he treats you and possibly going on to repeat that learned behaviour in their own relationships (like my ex did) should not be an option.

i know i will be shouted down for this one - and I'm not saying I definitely agree with it - but I have sympathy for loreley wanting to stay.

Some studies have shown that in the long term, children can be happier if their parents stay together even if they dont get on (although not obviously in an abusive relationship which arguably this is). But as I say - I'm not saying I agree with that, and I do think if someone is miserable, they have to look at ways to deal with it, but I admire loreley for trying to get things to change first.

Loreley - you say you hate and despise your husband and yet your children dont realise how bad things are between you and are happy. Are you sure? If things are as bad as you said in your Op I would be surprised if they havent picked up on it.

Loreleyjynx, i feel very sad for you

only you can decide whether to stay or go, but imo the advice on here about how your relationshp might scew your dsc view of how a relationship should be is very valid...they will undoubtedly be influenced by it when they try to build their own adult relationships, even if they are happy enough now.

i'm not sure you can make yourself love him again - although if his behaviour changed you might start to like him a bit more? people remain 'happy' in their relationships - even when they are very unhappy (iyswim) - by actively choosing to accept their lot and actively choosing not to want or hope for more. you can get by like that for quite a long time. some people do so for their whole lives. how would you feel if you choose to do that until your dcs are grown up then leave...do you think you will feel like you have wasted a lot of your life? or would you just be pleased to have got through it, and happy to be able to start again then? or do you think if you stay for another decade, you will stay forever?

a big hug for you

I grew up with fighting parents who are still together (living in Spain) but haven't shared a bedroom for years and appear to be companions rather than two people who love and respect one another. Growing up in an often hostile environment was not fun.

I left my husband when our ds was almost 2. We'd been together 8 yrs but things had gone bad when I got pg. When the love and respect seems to have gone it's hard to turn it around. Saying that, we did have 2 lots of counselling with Relate so we certainly did give it a go.

I am glad I left as it had become clear we were wrong for eachother. However, my advice would be to speak to him honestly about how you're feeling - he's probably not happy with things either - and see if he will go to Relate with you. It is definitely good for getting to understand eachother and working out whether things can be turned around. If you can do this, you'll also at least feel like you're doing something positive about the situation you're in.

BTW I agree with the others about the children, it's better to have two happy parents apart then unhappy ones together, hard as it would be to start with - that shouldn't cloud your judgment. So long as you and dh are careful to deal with your relationship issues away from them.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think it might be a good idea to go to Relate by yourself.

One of my best friend's parents marriage was as dysfunctional as yours. Sadly, her own marriage is going the same way. Do you want your DCs to be as miserable as you when they are grown up?

Staying for the children is very wrong.
Of course we all want to make sure our children have a good home.
But i suspect my parents only stayed together because of us (my brother and i). There was no repect for each other - it was like a constant struggle for each to 'win'.
I dont think either was happy - but also not strong enough to do anything about it.
They continued to just live and function - very much how you say you are.

Now my mum is very ill - and my dad is her carer. She is being looked after by a man who has little repect for her, and he is 'trapped' without a real life for himself.
And i see this as a result in them not actually sorting out their problems a long time ago.
My dad rarely goes out because when he does wnat to my mum seems to become ill again (i think they are still playing a sort of game where no one will win).

Please think about sorting this out now and not accepting your sadness any longer - if he will not change then accept that YOU need to find happiness for yourself.

Good luck

How do you stay?
You don't.
Good luck, and much love..and strength.

Thank you so much for all of your messages and support. It's been such a relief and help to just be able to talk to you.

I am 53 years old and I know this is mainly for younger mums.i had 2 children, my elder daughter died 3 years ago , she was not my husband's child, we have one daughter together who is married . I cant stand my husband, he used to be quite violent, this has stopped many years ago but he is still very controlling. After my daughter died I became very Ill mentally , my husband said I could stop working and at the time I thought he was better nice but now I realise the truth.i had a good job in the local council and had reached deputy manager level. I cant do anything nice because it might make a mess, I enjoyed craft but have to do this outside because if the mess .If I put something in the bin he will take it out and wash it to go in recycling which I know is a good thing to do but I sometimes cant he bothered, I get very down sometimes and the odd thing going in the wrong bin diesbt seem important to me.He complains the kitchen splash backs are dirty and can always find a bit of food on a wall or floor , he will tut and moan and then wipe the floor .When he came in yesterday he sat on the floor to talk to the dog, he lifted the rug and found 2 crumbs, looked at me then put in bin. One day we came in after a beach walk, we dont wear shoes indoors, my phone randomly I sat down to answer it , within a minute he had picked my feet up and put them in a bowl of soapy water in case I dirtied carpet. I asked if I could use his
Laptop to type up a cv as I dont have word , he said I didnt need to as I dont need to work.We dont have sex any more , whilst I dont particularly want to its rubbish to feel so rejected .I hate him, I cant leave, I have no job, no money and little hope off getting a job at the moment. He never stops moaning about the news or whatever .If I try to explain how I feel or what I want he says he has had enough of this and works off, if I annoy him he will sit on sofa ignoring me facing as far away from me as he can.If I speak directly I will get a one word answer if I'm lucky, this can go on for days, what can I do .He wouldn't have counselling as he says he isnt in the wrong .

@Uselessoldbat this is an old thread why not start your own thread and copy and paste your comment there? You will get better advice and support that way x

Never mind, just wanted some help, ibwouldnt know where to start .

I'm not having a go here @Uselessoldbat
But no one usually comments on old threads so you won't get much feedback. If you create a new thread and post your information there you will get some really good advice. I've had some brilliant advice on here

I never thought you were , it really doesn't matter, I dont think anybody could help, just wrote in desperation and you looked at do you never know x