How do I stay with a husband I cannot stand anymore?

[Loreleyjynx]

I haven't loved my husband for quite a while now. I'm beginning to hate and despise him. It's a build up of things. He let his Dad bully and harrass me when I was at home looking after our 9 month old baby and pregnant with our next child. His Dad used to light a bonfire next to my washing line full of clothes, if I walked into a room, he'd walk out. He never spoke to me - he just ignored me. He would be doing "jobs" around our house every day in the summer. He used to just walk in the house at any time of day without knocking. He once did this at 8.15 am one morning and I was half naked. He then tried to come in at the same time the next morning, but I'd locked the door. Now I have to keep my doors locked all the time.
I begged my husband to ask his Dad to stop, but he always just made excuses for his Dad's behaviour.
My husband is a Mummy's boy. If his Mum wants him to buy something for the house i.e a particular TV or cooker etc. - he does what she says.
I tried to make myself love him again on holiday, but on the last day he wanted to go to Dali Museum and I wanted to go to Barcelona. He said we could go to Barcelona as we had 10 hours to kill before flight, so we went. All day he hardly spoke a word and he was just hostile. I got lost in the Underground system and I was panicking because the kids were hungry and getting tired but instead of trying to help - he literally laughed in my face because I had "got us lost".
We rarely make love - I have to have a drink before I can face it. I can't stand him touching me.
He is trying to stop me going back to work because he says he's not coming back to a dirty house after he's been to work all day. He's blown his stack many times in the past if the house wasn't clean enough for his liking.
My husband is realy boring. His conversation has become excrutiatingly boring. He never wants to go out anywhere - he just wants to sit and watch TV or play Warcraft.
The only reason I stay is that my kids of 14, 5 and 6 years would be devastated if we split up and I took them away from him. (He's really good with the kids).
I's really appreciate some advice!!

@Uselessoldbat I'm so sorry about your loss of your daughter.
You mention you have a daughter who is married, can you go there until such times as you can get yourself sorted out?
You sound deeply unhappy with your dh and you deserve to be happy. Especially with all the heart break you have been and are still going through with your loss.
Can you stay somewhere else until such times as you are earning? Can you sell the marital home and get yourself a flat or rent something? There's always a way out

Hi @Uselessoldbat just dropping in to say that you will be better of starting off a new thread in the Relationships section: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

Then, hopefully some useful Mumsnetters will come along with helpful answers for you. If you need any help, please just drop us a line at: [email protected]

a new thread is definitely the best idea, just copy the whole of your message, then scroll up to the top of this page, just below "Talk>>Relationships" it says 'start a new thread in this topic', click on the 'Start' bit of that, and then paste your message into the box.

In case you can't face that though. You have so many years ahead of you and your life sounds utterly miserable. If you start a divorce, you will ultimately get half of all the assets of the marriage, including balancing your pensions. You don't say how your relationship with your other daughter is, but can she be helpful you at the beginning? One way or another you really need to get out. I think finding a job of some sort would really help you initially.
Good luck, I am sorry about your daughter, but don't let this be your life. I am sure she wouldn't have wanted it.

You don't need counselling - you need a job and a solicitor. If you own your home, you're likely sitting on enough equity to downsize to a carefree life of your own. You could pick up the phone right now and make an appointment to get things moving.
There was a wonderful thread on here a week or so ago from a downtrodden wife who had her getaway planned - and people were cheering her on. That could be you. Imagine the look on the miserable old bugger's face when he discovers you've gone! You could leave him a pair of Marigolds as your parting gift!

I feel worried for you OP. You say he’s good with the kids and that’s probably the only reason you haven’t left already. However, look at it this way. He’s not being good with the kids because of the way he treats you in front of them so he’s not setting a good example. You don’t want any sons picking up that and thinking that’s how to treat a woman. Laughing at you when you got lost in Barcelona is not funny.
Think about this, if you only had a short time to live, would you want to spend your last while putting up with all his and his family’s behaviour?
Do you want your children to pick up his outrageous habit of treating you the way he does because they will eventually.
Make plans - no-one needs to put up with this. It’s an awful way to live.
And don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him when it all falls down around his ears. He and his parents do not respect you or your views.
Please put yourself and your children first.