suspicous of wife motives or at least what it implies

[SimonTheDad]

So background first, we have been together for 4 years, married for 2, little baby girl 1.5 months. Wonderful thing she is - i spend 3 days a week at home with her so am really involved. I love baby girl to bits, and my wife still despite..

Baby does not sleep well, is really easily disturbed in the evening. We have had not real support from friends of family for 1.5 years of the baby, only 2 times out together without the baby in 1.5 years.

Conversation in bed is non-existant and in the evening as we always have to whisper and baby often wakes and then its just a stressful time.

Our relationship has suffered. I think we still have love, God knows i love her, and she tells me she loves me, we kiss still, sex is rare 1 per month and not great now.

Anyway, she has recently started up a friendship online with a guy, started as a study pal on a forum for information exchange but developed into chatting via messenger - usually when i am out. She seems happy after they talk (sad but true ). In the evening she gets bored and browses his facebook. I would think she visits his pages 5-6 times a day, browsing his photos. She is now becoming secretive also. She tells me i am snooping if i look at her computer.

I am a computer savvy guy and i can see from logs and stuff she messages him and deletes them quickly so that there is no trace. I think the messages are fairly harmless but why the secrecy? She now has told me she wants to meet him for coffee after work, this makes me more worried.

I am thinking our relationship is dying - and that she is looking elsewhere for engagement. She claims she is not looking for anyone (probably true, we have a nice time with our gal) and just wants friendship but i think she is delluding herself as to her true feelings. TBH how can i appear interesting as a functional assistant in the house rather than providing anything exciting. Its so hard not to be able to do anything as a couple anymore.

So that's my story at the moment. Should i worry, am i seeing demons? i dunno, but i am getting concerned.

SImontheDad - it could just be boredom on her part but it could also be worrying. She is obviously gettin something from this that you are not able to supply her with - but if she won't tell you what that is then you are up against it.

A friend once said to me that shared intimacy with another man, even if it is only verbal, can be more of a betrayal than the physical act of sex. Her secrecy is the worry - if it is all totally innocent then why is she being secretive about it?

Perhaps she is feeling frumpy and "lost" as a woman, and thinks that you only see her as a mum and wife, but not as a sexy woman any more.

You CAN salvage this you know - spontaneous treats and telling her that she is gorgeous/ sexy etc. will help her to feel appreciated. Try and have a "no blame" conversation about your situation and ask her what you can do to make it better.

Sorry to be a harbinger of doom but it certainly would worry me if it was my DH doing this!

'You CAN salvage this you know - spontaneous treats and telling her that she is gorgeous/ sexy etc. will help her to feel appreciated. Try and have a "no blame" conversation about your situation and ask her what you can do to make it better.'

I do the above, if i try to talk seriously about things like this she would tell me i am too heavy and need to lighten up. She would claim its just a phase of our relationship as baby confines us at the moment

You should I am afraid worry. My dh's affair started out like this, and I think that these sort of relationships are at the very least a terrible distraction from the two of you working things out together.

I think you need to try some very careful handling of the situation, by talking about what is wrong with how things are between you, and what can be done about it.

Life with a little one who doesn't sleep well is very tough, and I can see why your wife is possibly looking for an escape (I think that was a lot of it for my dh). But it does get better.

Could you get a babysitter and go out for a nice meal, or visit family and leave the baby with them? Does the baby sleep during the day at all - can you use that for a moment of intimacy (not necessarily sex, but time to be nice to each other? Is the baby in your bedroom, if so can you move your bed, or have a temporary bed in another room?

The secrecy is hurtful at the least, and could be masking something more. However even if there is something going on it doesn't mean that things aren't fixable. dh and I made up and are now happy together.

for you that she brushes off your attempts to work out what is going on. Perhaps she is just looking for a little "without the baby" time - sometimes it can be a bit suffocating (and I say this as a mum of a gorgeous nearly 1yo DS who I have never left with anyone apart from DH and MIL for any length of time) so maybe that is what it is.

Keep the lines of communication open on this - perhaps she just needs a breather - and see if you can find some way of getting someone to look after your DS for an occasional evening, even a paid babysitter, so you can go out together more.

I can't offer much advice here except to say don't let this continue. You say she's told you she wants to meet this guy - well thats your opportunity to tell her that its totally innapropriate to meet him alone and thats its very hurtful to you. If her excuse is its a study meet, then you could offer to go along too. If its innocent it won't be a problem.

IMO you need to nip this in the but. If you were a woman posting this on here, the replies you'd be getting would be much less sympathethic for your partner. If she won't listen, write it all down and show her. It will take a joint effort to address this.

These could be the first steps down a very damaging road. At the very least they are a sign that you both need to work hard on making your family work.

for you both.

I can't believe you can't see that this is a bit of a crisis!

If she won't talk to you go to Relate (on your own) and tell her you are going. That will tell her you are serious and not going to let things drift, and it may give you some guidance.

This does sound serious to me. I think you need to confront her with how you feel.

SimonTheDad - you said "i can see from logs and stuff she messages him and deletes them quickly so that there is no trace"

Hmmm... speaks volumes to me. Not so innocent really is it otherwise why the need to delete so quickly?? It's not easy to face but I'm sure you have already answered your own question.

She's accusing you of snooping - again smacks of hiding something to me. I say this because I was guilty of similar things with an ex nothing sexual going on at all in my case but I knew I shouldn't have been doing it (my relationship was not good). Even just chatting so much with another man should not be happening. She should be talking to you shouldn't she?

I hope you get her to talk to you about this and that you can save your marriage. It's never easy with a new baby and sleep deprivation can try the patience of a saint, but it's affecting you too. I'm sure you feel like a break from time to time?

I agree with Pheebe, arrange a babysitter and you meet this guy too. If it's as innocent as she's trying to make out then there shouldn't be a problem.

Good luck with everything

We are talking, now. I am confident we will resolve this issue which will mean a compromise by me and her.

In all honesty she is a highly social person, more so than me. She always has had male and female friends she sees, some long term some come and go. I have felt uncomfortable with it previously but its kinda been on hold for the last 3 years as baby matters have dominated. Anyway my demons are back.

Why is it an issue exactly for her to have male friends? is it my insecurity, is it added risk? is it society pressure for social norms? is it some caveman mentality?

Ultimately if we are going to lose someone we are going to lose them, i am thinking that all we can do as a human being is to have faith in a person and to be honest with them. To do anything else surely invites disaster. If that transpires to be falsely placed then we can take comfort in the fact that we had an open heart and faith in our own humanity.

I think it was Samuel Johnson who said,

"A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"

It seems better to have hope to my mind.

Hmm, not sure that chaperoning her to this meeting is a good idea myself. A perceived lack of trust on your part could be very hurtful, though I agree that she is being secretive and that there may be cause for concern.

I also agree that it sounds as if you need to spend some time just the two of you. We have 2 small boys and no family nearby, and ds2 was also a poor sleeper until he was about 18 months old and it does take its toll on a relationship without a doubt. No matter how fulfilling a baby is, it's very important to spend time as adults together too. And that means quality time, not just time tiptoeing around trying not to wake up the baby. You say you haven't had support from family - is that because they don't live nearby? If so, would it be worth arranging a trip to see them and use that as a chance to get out on your own for an evening?

Also consier that she may be feeling out of shape/knackered/darined by the baby and a bit of attention from a stranger may be very flattering for her. Is there anything you could do to make her feel special? I don't know, depends on budget, but a trip to a day spa, or a piece of jewellery, or something smaller like a bunch of flowers or some nice bath stuff. Or a special meal that you've cooked for her with candles and stuff. Having a baby can wreak havoc with your self-image - your body changes, your whole life is different (as I'm sure you know ) and sometimes you just want someone to do something for you.

Oh and talk talk talk. The most important thing of all, IMO is to keep talking. Babies can getinthe way of that all too easilt, and you can wake up once they have got bigger and realise you haven't spoken properly for months.

She needs reminding of what she has at home.

I think you definitely need to get some couple time to reconnect with each other. Can you get a babysitter from an agency eg? She probably needs to feel like a woman again rather than a mum. These things can creep up on you in a relationship and maybe you need to voice your fears and arrange a good night out just the two of you to have a proper chat. She does need to know that this "relationship" with other man cannot continue.

And also, my husband is very uxorious which can be stifling st times although I love him deeply too.

Good luck.

Best use of the word 'uxorious' prize, countingto10

Simon there is nothing wrong with a woman in a committed relationship having male friends. Nothing at all. I have some male friends, and my dh has female friends. No problem. But they are adjuncts to the core of my life around my family. Not replacements. I would have many of the same concerns if you had said the friend in question was female. The worry here is that your wife is hiding the relationship from you, and that possibly it is becoming too important to her. That to me is deeply worrying. I don't think everything in a relationship should be shared, but the point when you feel ashamed of what you say to someone to the extent that you are covering it up is the point at which you are saying things you really shouldn't. My dh claimed that his friendship with the woman that eventually became his mistress was purely emotional, she was "like a mother" to him (he lost his mum many years ago). But to me the emotional bit was the problem, because it meant he stopped talking to me about anything that mattered, and we lost the chance (for them) to talk through and resolve the problems that were slowly creeping into our relationship. Also once you start hiding things you start lying to your partner, and that is very emotionally damaging, both to them, and to you. Then you start resenting that, and so a circle of unhappiness builds up.

So, in short I really don't think you are being a caveman to feel threatened by this relationship. Be honest with your wife, tell her the secrecy is bothering you, ask why she is so bored in the evenings are what you can do about it. Try and resolve your sex life - how is it that things have got so poor in that regard? Many women go off sex after birth (or with small children) because it just all seems another imposition (especially when you just want to go to sleep), so sometimes it is more about cuddles and casual intimacy, which often get lost too.

As you are such a committed dad (which is great) is it possible that you have slipped into childcare sharing mode only? Do you still make an effort to be the person you were before your dd was born?

I think that thinking if they are going to go they will go is a little self defeating to be honest. Relationships need work, and at times they need a huge amount of work. dh and I nearly lost each other. We really stood on the brink and it could have gone either way (and many people thought I should have jumped). We have now regained a better and stronger relationship, but it took four years (at least) of pain to get there. We both wish we had recognised when things started to slip and acted then. Maybe things would have been very different.

What Nooka said.

I too have male friends. But totally above board and not to in the same emotionally intimate way as I am with dh. To me, it sounds a bit like your wife is overwhelmed by the new baby and is using this new friendship for escapism. Not a good idea IMO.

Start sleep training immediately then you will at least have the energy to tackle any issues with your wife and perhaps even start enjoying life together. Pay for a few visits from a night nanny, let her scream, do whatever it takes. Exhaustion does horrible things to people and relationships.

Ok, you need to take back control. Even if your wife is innocent about her friendship with this guy, you can bet your life he isn't.

First, tackle the sleeping. When the baby cries, leave it for 5mins before going to it. The next time, leave it for 6mins and so on. Each time leave it for a minute longer before going to it. Eventually the baby will realise that you are not going to pander to its every whim and will settle itself back to sleep.

Every baby needs to be taught how to settle itself back to sleep when it awakes.

Next, book a babysitter - even if you have to pay. Your relationship is suffering. Your wife feels that she has lost herself. She is suffering an identity crisis and needs to feel wanted and loved and like a sexual being once more.

Do you have any family who would be able to take the baby in overnight? They'd pay less attention to the baby's cries as they are less emotionally involved, which might work out good for the baby anyway.

You desperately need to try and sort out some quality time with your wife.

Very good advice there from Rhubarb

"Leave IT" for 5 mins?

"Leave HER", surely?

Erm - well yes I'd be worried. Doesn't sound like she's doing anything deliberately to hurt yhou but she certainly appears to find this other person interesting enough to spend cyber time with and be careful to cover her tracks.

Could be that she feels she's somehow lost herself and want to get a bit of her old self back but if she's feeling like this (and, of course, I don't know her, so don't know for sure) she could end up going down a path she didn't meant to. So do the best you can to nip it in the bud.

Last year I went back to work to get back a bit of my financial independence. I felt like a domestic servant and relationship with dh was very bad. And guess what, I met a bloke and he wanted an affair. Thank goodness I either work or am with my beautiful little one so and affair was out of the question as when I look back I think I was BONKERS to even listen to this guy's talk. Madness - too much good at home. Nothing happened and I'm sooooo glad. Things still not good at home BUT at least I know I'm giving home and family the best I can give. I feel I had a lucky escape.

I very much hope you can sort it out for all your sakes.

Best of luck.

Sorry, is the baby a girl? Sorry!

testing

I would be concerned if I were you.

I nearly had an affair with somebody I met online. It started out on a forum. We got eachother msn details, started chatting on msn, we exchanged telephone numbers, and started texting.

I was going through a tough time with my husband, and with two young children, I felt a frump. Other person made me feel alive, sexy, funny, desirable. A true wordsmith that made me feel like I was young again, and in the throes of first romance.

Then we met.

When your wife comes to that point, it can go two ways: She thinks "oh YUCK what am I thinking" or her fanjo tingles.

You dont want to risk that.

She should be spending her spare time with YOU not chatting with some stranger she has met online. She should be keen on YOU. It already is a betrayal that she spends so much time on him rather than you. And you dont know what her emotions are in all this. Women will easily go week at the knees by flirtation.

Can you change the settings in her msn so it records to a different location? Or would you want to go down the route of keystroke software?

BTW. My husband left me over that infatuation. That is what brought me to my senses before it was too late.

"Ultimately if we are going to lose someone we are going to lose them, i am thinking that all we can do as a human being is to have faith in a person and to be honest with them. To do anything else surely invites disaster. If that transpires to be falsely placed then we can take comfort in the fact that we had an open heart and faith in our own humanity."

I'm sorry, SimontheDad, that sounds a tad defeatist. Yes of course you should have faith in the person and be honest with them BUT you don't need to just leave it at that and think "que sera, sera, if she's decided it's over there's nothing I can do about it".

I am glad you are talking about it and there have been some very good suggestions on here - but please, don't have the attitude that if it's over, it's over and there's no point in fighting for it.