If your DP is friends with his XG, how do you cope with it?

[Hobnobfanatic]

Ok, I'm a jealous type. My last relationship ended when XP had an affair with our friend.

Am now with the loveliest man in the world, and we're planning on moving in together, having a baby etc. He's great with my LO.

But he's close friends with his ex - she was introduced as his best friend when we first started seeing each other. They've been split for four years, but until recently would spend days out together, long phone calls about everything, seeing each other several times a week. She's friends with his other friends, so will always be around. They don't have any children together.

I'm insecure about it all and wondered how others cope with the situation. What 'boundaries', if any, do you have? If you are jealous, how do you cope?

Any thoughts from others in this situation would be gratefully received!

Anyone?

not hopeful if you're the jealous type... think you'd have to be very secure in yourself and your relationship and it depends on how the ex and your partner behave with each other.

my DH stayed friendly with a couple of exes and one went on to become a friend of mine... the other was another kettle of fish though bitchface

Not very helpful but you really need to talk this through with your DP before you move in together. You should explain all your fears and worries tell him what you want whether that be to sever contact (not advisable!)or for all contact to be open and involve you/for you to be aware of. You should be prepared to listen to what he says too as he may think you're being unreasonable. He could (perhaps rightly) feel this is too intrusive and controlling - after all this is largely your problem not his. At some point you are both going to need to compromise on this if you're going to make your relationahip work.

I'm not the jealous sort but have an irrational jealousy/dislike for DHs ex even though I've never met her. THey had a bad split but became friends after and imo she kept him dangling and used him for a number of years. When we met he was still sending her money and 'running around' after her. That did all stop once I pointed out how unhealthy and unreasonable it was but they still keep in touch, she has a son and is now married. I don't like them being in touch but have accepted its unreasonable of me to ask him to cut all ties. Your situation is different in that she will be much more a part of your day to day life. But I think you need to work on your jealousy issues and learn to trust your DP if you're going to make things work long term.

Bit of a waffle but hope that helps a bit. I'm sure others will be along with more/better advice

I had to seriously wind down a very close friendship with a guy who was just a friend - had never been anything else and was never going to be anything else - because his girlfriend (now wife) was very jealous of our relationship.

I was very hurt because I really did lose someone who had been my best friend for a number of years.

Even now, some 18 years later, I still have to think twice about contacting him and we only ever see each other in the company of our respective spouses. My DH has always been fine about it.

Definitely talk it through with your DP and tell him your fears. But listen carefully to him and make sure that you really do understand the relationship that they have. And when you have really talked it through then make your decision. If you go ahead and move in together, etc, you mustn't then fester on it and see things happening when they're not.

Good luck - it's not an easy thing to deal with.

Thank you, everyone. We have talked about it - lots! - and I think it will be easier when we live together as she'll be more a joint friend than his alone.

I'm definitely a 'split up, move on' person, who has no contact with exes (apart from my LO's dad, which isn't a social arrangement - quite business-like). Hopefully, with time, I'll get used to the situation...

That said, I do have male friends, and he has other female friends. It's not the 'being friends with someone of the opposite sex' issue that I have a problem with, but just the fact that she's an ex and is, in my opinion, way too close to him still. She hasn't had a relationship since splitting with him, and relies on him emotionally. I don't think she's moved on in many respects.

Ahh, I think thats something he needs to see and address then. He really isn't doing her any favours, quite the opposite in fact, by continuing to be her emotional support. For her sake as much as anyone elses he needs to re-evaluate their relationship to one of friends.

Glad you talked and its all looking good

Bump for the afternoon crowd...

i'm really good friends with about 3 of my exes, indeed, i have a 'holy ex boyfriend camp' where i won't hear a bad word about any of them.
i think its a GOOD sign being friends with your exes...you move on from the relationship, but you still totally love and respect all the things you first liked about them in the first place. i wouldn't trust anyone who wasn't friends with any of their exes, and didn't even talk to them. it would worry me immensely that when we split up they might not be friends with me anymore.
long term friendship not long term antagonism is surely the goal for a relationship that isn't going to last forever!
as for jealousy, im in an open relationship anyway, so its a bit more complex!

be sure that she isn't actually still in love with him and playing out some fantasy in her head - she may still feel like he is her dp - she could be having a relationship with him, even if he isn't with her iyswim. and he may not realise that is the case (he is after all a man!). unless you don't mnd if that is the situation.

make sure that as his dp you are his first responsibility, rather than the ex.

if she isn't in love with him, and you are his primary concern, their relationship may dwindle to some extent anyway over time.

i fully endorse what others say about platonic friendships/jealousy, but think it is worth thrashing out a situation like this.

mine is still friends with a couple of his ex girlfriends. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. He's with me now!

Hi Hobnobfanatic, my dh's exg used to drive me mad with jealousy, but now I can accept her link with my dh is important to them both. She sometimes emails and they occasionally meet. I trust him now like I didn't before.

The situation changed because I finally agreed to go and meet her and her dh at request of exg and my dh (bear with me here!). This was after months of her phoning and requesting to meet him, all through my pregnancy with ds (now 9 months). She always managed to ring when something significant was happening (eg scan dates, due date! etc - very wierd) - and me being hormonal was distraut as I felt she was competing for his attention (I think she was really, but not intentionally.

Anyway, eventually we all went off for a picnic (me, dh, ds exg and her nonplussed dh) that exg arranged. This was the day after ds's 6 week check, so he was tiny and I was not at my best physically (bad hair, big tum, sleep-deprived etc). It was all very nice, in the park, spring flowers, lovely food etc, but rather strained.

When we got home, he thanked me for going and I gave him a massive rocket because I felt he had never once considered my feelings but had insisted on maintaining ties with her, as his right. I thought they'd both been selfish and idealistic. Amazingly, he was quite chastened and said he understood and was sorry.

They are more like exs now, rather than starcrossed lovers fantasising about what might have been, and I think it was necessary for us all to meet in order for them to notice that they weren't being quite fair.

So I would say it's good to do something social together, so you know her and she's not just an idea to you. And if you're a traditional type like me, tell him you want to get married - because then it's clear who he has chosen.

I think if you both want monogamy, you have to both agree it, preferably in front of an audience

Thank you Mitfordsisters - that has helped me so much! I think I would be easier about the situation if she were in a relationship - but my DP is still the last man she was with and he's the first she'll phone if she's feeling down. It's sooooo infuriating for me!

I've met her a couple of times - and she's lovely. If she weren't my DP's ex, I'd really like her! But she's such a threat to me in my jealoused state and I do go into a state of panic when I first see her.

DP has tried to keep her more at arm's length - so we just see her jointly, together, at social events, and they no longer go out for days on their own etc. But she keeps ringing and the 'do you remember when' stories when they are together really makes me see red!

I think, once we move in, and hopefully get married (PLEASE!!!) and have a baby, she'll back off a bit. I just hope she finds a really possessive partner, who doesn't want her to stay in contact with all her exes! (Miaow!)

YOur reply really has helped - to know someone else has been through it and come to a satisfactory outcome. It's given me hope! Thank you!

Hobnobfanatic,

'But she keeps ringing and the 'do you remember when' stories when they are together really makes me see red!'

she is out of order doing both these things, particularly the latter. this is deliberately disrespectful to you. imo your dp should show his respect for you by putting her in her place when she does this.

how you handle it is down to what you decide you want to do, and are able to do, but he also has a responsibility to defend your honour as it were!

i feel cross on your behalf

In general, an insecure person has to deal with his/her own insecurity: no one else can fix it for you and it isn;t fair to demand that other people stop seeing their friends (in the case of an XP who is still part of the social circle, it's asking too much for that person to be banished from the social circle just because of a new partner's insecurities).
Basically, never mind what she does - how does your partner treat you in general? If he makes it clear that he loves you and intends to be monogamous, accept that and trust him - and make friends with his XP.

I am good mates with most of my Xs, was a witness at the wedding of one of them and I am mates with his wife too.

solidgoldbrass,

i would never ever embark on an argument on here...so please don't think that is what i am doing. i am genuinely interested in your point of view on this

do you honestly not think that when the op's dp's exg makes big round eyes at him (i'm imagining obviously!) in front of the op and says 'oh, wasn't it great when we did this or that or the other together?' or 'do you remember how we used to laugh when such and such happened' etc etc that she isn't deliberately reminding the op (and op's dp for that matter) that she was there first, and still is for that matter?

do you not think that is very rude and disrespectful to the op? or if totally innocent (which sounds unlkely given her attachment to him), at the very least extremely inconsiderate?

and if it is, is it not then disrespectful and inconsiderateof the op's dp to let his exg keep doing it?

it seems to me that if you follow that chain, it gets to a point where the op's dp is more respectful of his exg - in not wanting to hurt her feelings - than he is of his dp - whose feelings should surely be more important to him?

or are my knickers tied in a knot unneccessarily?!

i mean, you are mates with your exes...you wouldn't behave in this way?

FKM: The thing is, the XGF was there and does have shared memories with the OP's DP. That can't be erased or made not to have happened.
As to how much the XGF is doing it, and how much is too much, this is going to vary from situation to situation and basically the OP should concentrate on how her DP behaves ie does he drop lots of little hints that he would rather still be with his XGF or does he generally behave in a way that suggests he is genuinely committed to the OP?

i get you

i guess i'm bothered about the question of...loyalty. i'm concerned that the ex is actually being quite rude to the current! and the dp is letting it happen i suppose

i think maybe that's sort of a different question...maybe i think in these situations the dp (dps - i think this happens a lot) should be saying to the ex something like 'i value your friendship, and my dp thinks it's fine that we are friends, but i would rather you didn't deliberately rub it in my dp's face because it is disrespectful to her, and if you were truly my friend you wouldn't be so inconsiderate to my dp,'

does that make sense? loyalty...

I wouldn't dream of cutting her out of our lives - she's part of his past and his social circle. But it's the one-to-one contact I don't like and the fact that I don't think she hasn't moved on emotionally. Why doesn't she call her female friends or her other male friends when she's upset about something? Why does it always have to be my DP?

I would just be happier if the relationship wasn't as close. He never phones her or initiates contact. He sees her without me, in a group of other friends, regularly, and I'm being as involved as I can be (child-care issues) with other get-togethers.

I know I'm insecure. I completely trusted my XP with his friendship with women - and he had an affair! My post was just to ask how other people cope - and what boundaries, if any, they have.

DP has made it clear that he's chosen me and that his relationship with his XGF ended for a reason. That doesn't stop my little niggles of fear when I know he's seeing her, though!

But I'm sure, with time, all these niggles will get ironed out as I get more secure and as she realises he's not always going to be available to her 24/7.

And I agree with FKM. I'm not trying to erase their history, but I think it would be considerate to a new partner not to keep being reminded of it.

Hobnobfanatic

understanding hugs for you

Thank you! It's so good to have heard other people's opinions. None of my friends' DPs are in touch with exes at all, so they've not been much help!

As a suggestion on boundaries, my dh (whose last-serious-ex-before-me is a very close friend - of both of ours, now) does a brilliant one ... he never ever ever says anything nostalgically complimentary about his ex.

He loves her dearly as a friend, I know, but there is absolutely no comparisons, no wistfulness, no reminiscing, no what might have been.

I was thinking this because I forgot myself a few days ago and told a fond anecdote about an old boyfriend. Dh was a bit , and I realised on the spot how he NEVER does that.

OK maybe she's not entirely moved on, but he has - and insisting that he rubs her nose in the fact is really a bit unnecessary and unkind. Sooner or later she will find herself a new partner or a new interest or a new best friend: why ot enjoy what you have and trust your DP who is clearly a kind and caring person?