If your DP is friends with his XG, how do you cope with it?

[Hobnobfanatic]

Ok, I'm a jealous type. My last relationship ended when XP had an affair with our friend.

Am now with the loveliest man in the world, and we're planning on moving in together, having a baby etc. He's great with my LO.

But he's close friends with his ex - she was introduced as his best friend when we first started seeing each other. They've been split for four years, but until recently would spend days out together, long phone calls about everything, seeing each other several times a week. She's friends with his other friends, so will always be around. They don't have any children together.

I'm insecure about it all and wondered how others cope with the situation. What 'boundaries', if any, do you have? If you are jealous, how do you cope?

Any thoughts from others in this situation would be gratefully received!

Hobnobfanatic, sorry I haven't read the whole thread so perhaps this has already been covered, but I wanted to say it might make a difference how/why their relationship ended.

Was it amicable? Was it mutual?

Do you think she has any feelings for him?

If it ended simply because they weren't compatible there shouldn't be any (logical) reason for you to feel insecure or threatened. Easier said than done I know, but it is possible to have a friendship with an ex which is purely platonic.

I am still friends with an ex. Our relationship only lasted a year and a half but was serious at the time. The split was mainly my instigation but he knew it wasn't working out. I do think he had feelings for me for a while, but we both soon met our current partners (he's now married), and remained friends. For a while after he met his now DW we still met for drinks sometimes, but I knew she didn't feel totally comfortable with it, so it gradually petered out. I actually do miss him a bit but totally, honestly just as a friend. We still see each other at social events though and it is perfectly amicable (DP and I went to their wedding!).

My parents also remain very good friends despite splitting up after a long, long marriage. In fact my dad moans to my mum about his girlfriend problems

Anyway, my point is, if both parties really do not have feelings for each other it can be fine, and it sounds like it's a good friendship for them both. Tbh if they didn't have their history, I'd feel more threatened I think - always wondering whether either of them had thought "what if". At least you know that they know what it was like in a relationship together and it didn't work for them so there isn't the temptation to try it out, iyswim.

Know it's hard for you not to feel upset by it though (especially if, as you suspect (?) she still harbours a flame for him). I think your DP should give you as much reassurance as possible. I'm sure once she meets someone else her attention will move away. In the meantime enjoy the planning the moving in!

I think given what your xp did, it is understandable you find it hard to trust. You say that he doesn't initiate contact so is he going along with her a bit?

I told my dh he was welcome to spend time with exg but he couldn't expect me to like it. I was trying to honour my feelings but not be possessive. ANd I said it to him over and over again... of course you can go and see her darling, but don't expect me to jump up and down about it. I told her the same thing when she was telling me how important their relationship was to her . All the time wanting to say, 'get real, find your own boyfriend and stop pestering mine!' I wouldn't say that obviously but I thought it