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Original poster

I bugged ny hubby's phone and...

32 replies

SandyChick · 25/11/2008 19:10

found him out. Its a long storey and complicated. Something hasnt been right for a while and i suspected something because of a close female friend he has. I bugged his phone and today they have been texting each other. They say its perfectly innocent and that their just close friends. Am i the only one who thinks these texts between my husband and someone elses wife are not innocent???

'Wish i was there, i've been thinking about you alot today x'

'likewise, but there's nothing new there!'

'i miss you x'

'i miss you, lots. being us sucks'

Im heartbroken but at least now i know.

OP posts:
Majeika · 25/11/2008 19:11

Do they know you know?

What do you want to do?

What did DH say?

Dior · 25/11/2008 19:12

Message withdrawn

hecate · 25/11/2008 19:13

tell him that since it is so innocent, he won't mind you showing her husband.

see what he says to that

TheCrackFox · 25/11/2008 19:13

It sounds far from innocent. What do you want to do?

compo · 25/11/2008 19:13

have you told him/thrown him out?

MadameCastafiore · 25/11/2008 19:14

If my DH had sent or received any of those there would be lots of punching going on and clothes being trhown out of windows at this very moment!

Innocent or not those sorts of words are not to be used to another woman - what does her husband think?

Original poster
SandyChick · 25/11/2008 20:17

As soon as i read the messages i saw red and phoned him. I didnt know how i knew so he was saying he didnt know what i was talking about 'what messages?' etc so i read them word from word. He said i was taking things out of context and that they have a close relationship but nothing is going on. He is in the forces and works with her everyday. They have just been away (along with7 others) for 6 weeks together. He says because she was the only other person over there who had left a partner and child back home and they understood how each other was feeling about missing home. I've spoken to a work colleague of his who was there and she says that she would hand on heart say nothing was going on between them but sais that they are really close and did spend alot of time together. we have recently gone from living together with our Ds to me and Ds moving back to our home town living in our house and DH coming home at weekends. The other person has told her husband that the messages are innocent and he believes her. Im being made out to be a paranoid loon!! i dont know what to think. There are a few little niggly things that i dont know if im reading too much into or if im being pathetic by believing his lies. I told him to get onto the first train home tonight which he has so he'll be back around 10.

I love him so much but i dont think i can trust him anymore and no relationship can survive on that. I hust worried about me and ds. I gave up work to look after him (he's 15 months) DH earns a really good wage. We have a house with quite a big mortgage so we survive on DH's wage. I think im just starting to realise that my suspisions are right and its breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Majeika · 26/11/2008 13:06

what happened?

picmaestress · 26/11/2008 17:27

Ooh ouch, you know, I'm not so sure this is 'proof' of anything. Seriously. I could easily have this text conversation with one of my male friends, and there would be nothing romantic about it whatsoever.

I can see why it doesn't look good, but sometimes friendships get too much alongside a marriage and then it's appropriate for them to fade away.

Please give him the benefit of the doubt, at least once. Don't throw away a whole relationship because of a dodgy set of texts, they could be perfectly innocent.

Hope you're ok.

beanieb · 26/11/2008 17:29

'i miss you, lots. being us sucks' doesn't sound innocent to me!

wannaBe · 26/11/2008 17:33

but im heartbroken but at least I know... who sent that? Because that could be say from one party to the other following the other party telling her that there was nothing in it?

picmaestress · 26/11/2008 17:51

Hm. 'I miss you lots' is fine if they're good friends and are used to working together. 'Being us sucks' is the contentious bit, but could refer to them being posted to different jobs, or to their rubbish jobs, or could even be a funny catchphrase they've got going.

Texts alone do not make up a raging affair.

I'm not defending them, as it's not on (I'd be very worried too), but texts are very easily misconstrued.

ladymariner · 26/11/2008 17:52

Think that was sandychick saying how she's feeling now, wannabe.

ladymariner · 26/11/2008 17:54

I'd be really unhappy if my dh was sending/receiveing texts like that aswell, but I'm with pic on this, it doesn't have to mean a raging affair. I think until you've spoken to him you can't know where to go from here.

Hope it's all working out for you, sandychick. Hugs to you.
xxxxxx

whoingodsnamewasi · 26/11/2008 17:56

wannabe, that was'nt a text message, its sandychicks reaction to the messages

anyfucker · 26/11/2008 19:36

If it has only gone this far, he is obviously too close to this woman and he needs to drop her, quick-smart, for the sake of your relationship.

Speak to him, if he can satisfy you it was just a text flirtation gone a bit too far, it may not be too late to salvage things.

How he acts from now on is the key. Unless you find out he has had a physical (as well as an obviously emotional) relationship with her, then you will have some very hard thinking to do.

Hope it works out for you. Let us know how it goes.

talie101 · 27/11/2008 16:41

I would get this knocked on the head ASAP!

I found out my (now) exh was texting his exgirlfriend similar things... he swore it was totally innocent (she was with a partner and had a small child). I confronted her partner and he managed to convince me I was totally unreasonable and basically loopy as he trusted her 100%!.... but when she was confronted she just put the phone down on me... hence I got a little more suspicious and p'd off!

I do truly believe there was no affair and were just 'good friends' whilst he was with me but the relationship they had built up together meant that he turned to her the minute we went through a bad patch and I kicked him out for all the deceit! Not long after, she left her partner and they are now together! I don't think her part in this was quite so innocent and he was a typical spineless man thinking grass was greener!

We are now divorced, he is still with her... but it gives me great pleasure knowing he regrets his actions and things are not so rosy for them now!!!

I really hope that this is not the case for you... wouldn't wish this on anyone!

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/11/2008 19:04

If her husband thinks those texts are innocent then he is a deluded loon.

Original poster
SandyChick · 27/11/2008 22:31

We've talked and talked and talked. He says 100% that there is absolutely nothing going on in any shape or form. I have gone from believing him to making an appointment with a solicitor t believing him and back again.

We have discussed things in a civil manor, have argued and walked out on eech other etc. He has said from the very start that there is nothing going on and has never gone back on that.

He says he didnt even think when he texted that they looked like they did. He said that when they were away they spent time together and became close but it never became any more than friendship. He said the messages just meant that it was rubbish to be back at work where they are both so busy and bogged down. They have gone from spending time together and enjoying each others company to being together at work but not having the time to even chat.

Before he went away i had some niggly suspicions but they were mainly on her part. I thought DH was oblivious and would never in a million years read anythinginto how she was being but to me there were things like one day in particular when he had gone to her house to drop something off. He had knocked on the door and she had shouted come in and was just in the middle of buttoning up her shirt! She said she was expecting someone else (another female colleague). He was totally embarrased and never hesitated to tell me the next time he saw me. Things like this started to make me suspicious.

Another thing is the photo's of when they were away. He had everyones photo's on his laptop. The firt night he was back he showed me all the photo's. there are alot of them together (mainly with others) but they always seem to be sitting next to each other during a meal etc but its her that has her arm around him iyswim?

He says he cant say anything else other than to keep telling me thats theres nothing going on to the point where he gets angry because there's nothing more he can do to convince me. Apart from those texts on Tuesday there hadnt been any texts between them for around a week and she had been off work ill. I have asses to his phonebill online and there havent been many messages between them since they have been back and the ones there have been have just been the odd work related stuff.

I have said to him that he needs to be 100% honest no matter how bad so that we can work things out. I said that i loved him and wanted to work through this even if there was something going on as long as he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

I cant get thise messages out of my head

OP posts:
Original poster
SandyChick · 27/11/2008 22:35

I should add that we have arranged to start counselling on Sat (relate) we both know things were't 100% before this blew up. We had already discussed counselling befor ethis happened.

OP posts:
anyfucker · 28/11/2008 07:25

sandy, from what you have written here I would be inclined to believe it has not gone any further than a bit of mutual ego-flattering

however, I would still be aware that if you hadn't brought it to a head and pulled him up quick-smart, it had the potential to develop into something more

it is good he has agreed to counselling and hopefully you can further explore why he had to get so "close" to another woman, and why it made you feel so bad

good luck

Tortington · 28/11/2008 07:31

how do you bug a phone

leoleo · 28/11/2008 07:51

One half of the texts has no 'x's. It could all be one sided?

Kally · 28/11/2008 07:52

Yeah... how can u bug a phone?

hf128219 · 28/11/2008 08:18

BlueBook, SimCard reader, Forensic software, Call and Text Intercept Phones.