All these small lies have added up and I just don't know what to do

[SmileLikeYouMeanIt]

Am a lurker and have only posted a couple of times, but could really do with some advice off people who will be totally impartial and honest!

My now DH and I had only been together 3 months when I accidently got pg with DS, so whilst most couples are still getting to know each other we were buying a house, getting married and attending antenatel classes! We now have a DD too and everything, on paper is fab. We get on well, have similar intrests and love each other. He is a brilliant dad, he's calm, kind and generous. He gave up his party lifestyle immediatley and just goes out for a very occasional pint. He works hard and does his fair share of housework (with some nagging!)

Now, here is the problem....He has, over the last 3 years lied to me on about 30 occasions about 2 things, smoking (he claims he's stopped when he hasn't) and money.
Smoking is the main problem now, we seem to have got the money thing sorted (fingers crossed) my point is I don't care if he has one cigar a day. I do, however, care that he lies and he sneaks.

For the last few months he's been having a cigar on a saturday night, officially, but I've known it's been more than that. I've seen ash on his car's dashboard and I've smelt it on him, each time I've said "DH I know you're smoking, I'm not bothered just admit it" He's gone on to deny it. Last night he had to admit it as I had conclusive evidence so we had an argument.

My whole point is, it's not the smoking, or the overdarfts or whatever, it's the fact he lies to me. It has made me suspicious and paranoid, I no longer trust him at all and have built up massive barriers between us, I won't cuddle up to him in bed or on the sofa and we rarely have sex, not because I don't love him but because I don't want to be close to him. Each time he's lied to me it seems to have eroded my feelings for him. I have begged him each time not to lie again and I've told him it's destroying my feelings for him, but it just doesn't sink in with him.

I know in the grand scheme of things they're only little lies and lots of people would love a DH like him, but the truth is so important to me and he knows this yet he continues to keep lying.

I am so angry with him I couldn't look at him this morning and I've told him the kids and I won't be here when he gets home tonight, although he knows we will be!

Can anyone help me? Do I need to accept he will always tell theses little lies for us to move on? I do love him and we should be so happy, but this is really hurting me.

Thanks so much for reading all this!

I think you need to ignore that fact that he has a cigar sometimes and get over it - you are willing to split up because you are pissed off with him telling you he isn't smoking when he is?????

yeah, accept it. move on. its not important. get over it - stop nagging about it - accept it happens - dont ask about it - let him have his lttle secret.

if thats the problem - its not really a probem, and considering that you must have statistically beat the odds and over come a lot, let it go lady!

money is a different issue. the money is joint and you need weekly communication over the money.

It sounds like he's covering up because he feels guilty. Think about your turn of phrase 'dh I know you're smoking, i'm not bothered just admit it' says to me and probably him that you are bothered and it's quite confrontational. If you really aren't bothered why do you need to know if he smokes or not anyway?

Of course I don't want us to split up, I want him to be honest with me instead of lying and sneaking. I don't care if he smokes, I care that he lies.

just let him smoke openly

problem solved

hopefully the money thing is already sorted, as you said

So what you're saying is, you expect him to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth 100% of the time.

I think tbh that it's a tall order and you're doomed to disappointment. IME If you live with someone, you both need space and sometimes, just letting go and not demanding to know every detail of the other person's life is the only practical way to live together.

Does your dh question you closely on everything you do - how often you shave your legs, the contents of your handbag- would you feel ok about telling him everything?

OK, I know smoking carries health risks and there is more reason to keep tabs on what your dh is doing to his body, but nagging won't make him stop. He has to do it for himself.

The money thing is different - it impacts on you, so you need to feel your dh is open about finances.

Anyway that's my 2p's worth - your dh sounds like a great guy from your message.

Why is he so scared to do it in front of you if you're saying "It's ok, just admit you're smoking" if he won't admit it because you'll go all banshee on him then you need to remember that he's a grown man and not your child. If he wants the odd cigar outside of the house then he should be able to do that without fear of being 'told off'.
If you aren't cross with him over smoking and he's hiding it anyway then that is very worrying!

on the upside, i read your name as
smell like you mean it.

which i think is much better - i thnk you should change

The consensus is I'm being OTT!! He'll be pleased to hear it

BUT in my defense some of the money lies have been fairly serious, lying on mortgage application, car insurance being cancalled through non-payment. So that has made me worse.

I will go and make a nice tea now!

I think you need to let him decide for himself whether he smokes or not.

I agree that being lied to is the pits
In fact a number of years ago shortly after dd was born and I nearly died, dh started smoking again due to stress. He was so ashamed that he hid it from me and as a result was doing things like sitting down the other end of the sofa so I woudln't smell it, being very irritable at home because he was craving a fag.

Eventually I confronted him and asked if he was having an affair! I was so angry when i found out that all this crap was caused by smoking. I had to point out that I was NOT his mother and that it was up to him whether he smoked or not, that he was a big boy now and had to take responsibility for himself.

my DH 'gave up' smoking 4 years ago when our twins were born prem and he was told to strip to the waist everytime he wanted to cuddle them in special care.....I know he still dabbles down the pub or on lads nights out - he doesn't tell me, I don't ask.....he doesn't do it at home and he never does it in front of the kids......"once a smoker, always a smoker" I was told once by someone who had given up for 10years - he said he still thought about having a fag with his pint even after all this time.

There are worst things he could be lying about tbh, so deep breath and accept it as part of him.

My DH does the same - just say you feel upset by it and leave it to him....

Sorry - but the smoking is the least of your worries, lying on a mortgage application and having no car insurance is a big deal. He (and you) can get into BIG trouble for both.
I hope that you've got that sorted cos the odd puff on a cigar is actually quite trivial in comparison.

Yep, all the money lies were sorted as soon as I found out, the last major one was 2 years ago but there have been small ones since.

sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh

it actually sounds like you can't quite relax and take your eye off the ball 'cos of this history of lying

bloody awful actually, I think the smoking thing is just your focus for how you are feeling

tell him he can smoke openly now and you aren't bothered, don't even ask

and keep your wits about you with the other stuff

good luck, some blokes just don't grow out of that secretive teenage stage

the big lies were probably more serious but it's the little lies, and mistrust that's getting you upset. rightly so.

difficult one

I hate being lied to as well and I understand that it's not the subject of the lying that's important, it's the lying itself. In fact sometimes the little silly lies hurt more because there's no need for them

but IMO by withdrawing/putting up barriers/nagging you are setting yourself up as a "disappointed parent" rather than an equal spouse in his mind, which is making him behave like a little boy, ie fibbing to get himself out of trouble.

Try and step back from it a bit and think about how you can discuss things as adults and reach a compromise about things like the smoking (do you REALLY not mind if he has one cigar a day? What about three, or four? It's his body!) so that he doesn't feel backed into a corner.

i'm not with the consensus. i don't like liars and i don't blame you for being upset.

feels to me like he's acting like a small child covering things up, and you're being his mum. but i may be way off base about that.

i think i would back off and stop asking him. it seems like a test that perhaps he resents. just state the fact 'ph you've been smoking again.' and don't wait for an answer. try not to treat him like a naughty child and see if that makes a difference.

I know you seem concerned by these little lies. But to be honest you seem like a parent of a naughty child, demanding confessions, producing evidence. No wonder the man hides it fro you, he probably has another one to get over the fact he has just had a lecture.
You said the last time he lied about moneywas over 2 years ago, this smoking FFS not fraud.
Let it go

The last time there was a "fraudulant" lie was 2 years ago, there has been many more since.
I know I seem like a parent of a naughty child and believe me I don't want to, I am going to try and get over that!
And I don't lecture, I was a smoker, I have a very occasional one myself so nope I do not lecture at all

Making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know these are of sorts negatives, but what kind of fantasy world is it where everyone is perfect and doesn't tell the odd fib for a quiet life.

If you have the occasional smoke, then you have no right to smell him and accuse him. Maybe he was somewhere where others were smoking. Then to have no cuddles and tell him the kids won't be there when you get back.... sorry, he sounds a nice guy and you seem to be preparing his sentence.. this is smoking FGS, not getting shit faced drunk and violent or secretly gambling and loosing the house in a bet... Aren't your expectations a bit hard and cruel. Soften up... noones perfect. Money... ok, it's what keeps the house, kids and lifestyle afloat... but the fibs about smoking. Sooooo what? He has the occasional fag now and then... (but so do you)...

It is hurtful to be lied to though. Or at least I find it hurtful. It makes me feel insulted, as though I am the kind of spouse that can't be trusted to be reasonable and has to be fobbed off with lies.

I don't go up to him and sniff, I can smell it when he walks in the room.
I don't care if he smokes, as you say I have no right to be bothered. But I don't like being lied to
I admit I've built up a barrier and I'm sure I am being OTT

Exactly Santa, I'm hurt he feels the need to lie to me about things.
I am the mum and he the little boy, and I know he isn't doing it to be mean or malicious but it still hurts when it goes on and on!

Does he know that it hurts you and makes you feel as though you aren't close enough for him to share the truth with you?

Or does he just experience your displeasure as anger?

I've found the little fibs have dried up, since I started taking a deep breath and explaining how it makes me feel, rather than just catching him and being angry/giving him the silent treatment.