All these small lies have added up and I just don't know what to do

[SmileLikeYouMeanIt]

Am a lurker and have only posted a couple of times, but could really do with some advice off people who will be totally impartial and honest!

My now DH and I had only been together 3 months when I accidently got pg with DS, so whilst most couples are still getting to know each other we were buying a house, getting married and attending antenatel classes! We now have a DD too and everything, on paper is fab. We get on well, have similar intrests and love each other. He is a brilliant dad, he's calm, kind and generous. He gave up his party lifestyle immediatley and just goes out for a very occasional pint. He works hard and does his fair share of housework (with some nagging!)

Now, here is the problem....He has, over the last 3 years lied to me on about 30 occasions about 2 things, smoking (he claims he's stopped when he hasn't) and money.
Smoking is the main problem now, we seem to have got the money thing sorted (fingers crossed) my point is I don't care if he has one cigar a day. I do, however, care that he lies and he sneaks.

For the last few months he's been having a cigar on a saturday night, officially, but I've known it's been more than that. I've seen ash on his car's dashboard and I've smelt it on him, each time I've said "DH I know you're smoking, I'm not bothered just admit it" He's gone on to deny it. Last night he had to admit it as I had conclusive evidence so we had an argument.

My whole point is, it's not the smoking, or the overdarfts or whatever, it's the fact he lies to me. It has made me suspicious and paranoid, I no longer trust him at all and have built up massive barriers between us, I won't cuddle up to him in bed or on the sofa and we rarely have sex, not because I don't love him but because I don't want to be close to him. Each time he's lied to me it seems to have eroded my feelings for him. I have begged him each time not to lie again and I've told him it's destroying my feelings for him, but it just doesn't sink in with him.

I know in the grand scheme of things they're only little lies and lots of people would love a DH like him, but the truth is so important to me and he knows this yet he continues to keep lying.

I am so angry with him I couldn't look at him this morning and I've told him the kids and I won't be here when he gets home tonight, although he knows we will be!

Can anyone help me? Do I need to accept he will always tell theses little lies for us to move on? I do love him and we should be so happy, but this is really hurting me.

Thanks so much for reading all this!

I don't see all secrets as a problem TBH. Marriage does not mean that you have to know all the details of your partners life. Perhaps he feels the smoking is a little bit he wants to keep to himself. I don't share MN for example with my DH - it's mine. I don't share everything with DH, I am sure he doesn't share everything with me. We have to trust each other that the things we keep back are not significant. It took a while to get to this point but it's important now. I can see that trust may be a problem to a certain extent for you after the money issues but I really really would let it go.

I don't know TBH. Once the kids are asleep tonight we'll have a chat and I'll be more rational than last night!
A poster said earlier I can't relax and that's exactly how it is, he's lovely and I love him and I don't want this to continue.

I think he needs to hear how you really feel, in the same sentence as hearing that he's lovely and you love him

I know! Thanks

LEt the smoking go, as others have said - it's his body. I appreciate that you've had trouble with him lying about money in the past but I'm not sure if he is still lying about money now? If it's only the smoking he is lying about then you need to let go of the past - if he is lying about money then you need to address that (because it affects you far more than if he is having a cigar outside the house).

I had 13 years of this, and its the mistrust that builds up. The feeling that, if he is lying about such SMALL things, WTF else is he lying about.
Its sad, and needless. I have no advice, only sympathy.

The last time he lied about money was the summer, although I've reinstated our joint account paper statements (he did cancel them again in Oct though) and am much more involved in day to day things.
The money lies have made me paranoid and take other things more seriously than I otherwise would (I think!)

Tell him that white lies bring dark skies.

I can understand how you're feeling and like some other posters I think you have fixated on the smoking thing when it's the underlying issues that are the real problem.

My DP is very much the same. He tells lots of white lies like a naughty child about things which are of no consequence in the great scheme of things. For example when I asked him if he'd managed to get to school in time to drop DS1 off in time for breakfast club he told me he had. But when I spoke to DS 1 he told me that DP was running late and he was too late for breakfast club. However DP had given him breakfast so that wasn't an issue and in fact it saved me £5. There was no earthly reason to lie and he can't seem to explain why he does it.

You have to decide if you can live with it in the long term.