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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this???!!

32 replies

CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:13

I don't know how to say this, and I know it is going to sound awful.
Basically two or three times my dh has reacted, or over-reacted to minor things. I playfully patted his bottom, so he slapped me on my arm hard. That was a couple of months ago. He was apologetic and said he got the wrong end of the stick. I thought ok, although I felt uneasy about things. Since then he hs been ok-ish. Then this evening, we had an arguement because he won't help me build the flat-pack wardrobes for our bedroom, and he punched me on my neck. I stormed off, and he has gone to bed without apologising to me.
It does sound awful doesn't it?
Could he really have made a mistake and not realise that he has hurt me?

OP posts:
gigglewitch · 23/11/2008 01:14

umm, i think he's developing a problem.
Are you ok?

Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:17

I don't know. I am a bit worried about going to bed, he is there. He will probably do his usual, and pull the duvet off me and I will not sleep because I am cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:19

Also, a bit worried becauswe he has not apologised to me, he thinks everything is my fault. I threw his phone at him earlier

OP posts:
gigglewitch · 23/11/2008 01:20

you sound really unhappy. (((hugs)))

is it really total trivia that has set him off, or is there something more serious going on? Just sounds a bit of a big reaction for a small thing, that worries me

thumbwitch · 23/11/2008 01:20

not liking the sound of this ONE BIT - too much violence on both sides already.

SuperBunny · 23/11/2008 01:20

Can you sleep elsewhere tonight? On the couch or something? Do you have DC?

I think you need to get this sorted out. The first incident sounds to me like it could have been a one-off over-reaction but what happened tonight is worrying.

Are you ok?

SuperBunny · 23/11/2008 01:21

Why did you throw your phone at him? That is a bit worrying too.

gigglewitch · 23/11/2008 01:22

I think you should try to get a bit of time tomorrow with just the two of you - can you do some talking? or is he not the 'talking' type?

makingafamily · 23/11/2008 01:41

If he has been agresive towards you, then you have to walk away x.x.x

juicyjolly · 23/11/2008 01:47

Can I ask how long you have been with him?

Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:48

He doesn't talk at all, he just ignores me and always says it is a bad time to talk. He just makes a phone call in the middle of me talking, or starts texting someone. I know he would never make time to talk, or even want to talk.
I threw his phone at him, becaue he tole me to pass it to him, whne I was trying to talk to him, and he wanted to phone someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:50

I have been with him for 8 years and we have 3 children, the youngest is 2.
I don't realy understand what sets him off, it just seems if I get annoyed, or ask him to do something he does not want to do, I think

OP posts:
Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 01:51

He is aalso quite cold towards me, and if I am upset about something, he ignores me. I have had three miscarriages, and he ignored me while I was grieving, that is how he is really, cold..

OP posts:
juicyjolly · 23/11/2008 01:56

Is this the first sign of him being aggressive...slapping your arm and now the neck 'punch'... and have you felt a bit nervous around him lately?

SuperBunny · 23/11/2008 01:57

You sound very unhappy. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy. And, if he is hurting you something needs to change. Either he needs to stop or you need to walk away.

mumhadenough · 23/11/2008 01:57

Oh I'm sory cannotsleep, but this sounds like the start of something bigger iykwim. Are you worried its leading to something much worse?

Punching you on the neck IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, you know that don't you?

juicyjolly · 23/11/2008 02:01

I must say I do think what mumhadenough is saying, in fact, if you are reading every thread then you can see everyone is of the same mind..... it is definitely NOT something you should have to live with.

SmilesLikeNoOther · 23/11/2008 02:03

for you cannotsleep, it sounds as if it would be difficult to get the talking process started. maybe he is trapped by his own feelings about the miscarriages.....you are in a hard place to get out of but I hope you do, one way or another.

Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 02:14

I just want some way to turn my relationship with him into a good one, but I feel so confused. I think I owe it to my kids to try. I want to make it work, but I know it won't I suppose. But I have no-where to go. I know logically, I will have to leave, but I don't know how I will ever manage. He is good with the dc's and they adore him. I have always found that odd, how he manages to be so warm to the dc's, yet such a cold fish to me..I suppose he just does not love me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CANNOTSLEEPNEEDSLEEP · 23/11/2008 02:17

I am going to sleep, in the baby's room. Thanks for listening, and advice, really kind of everyone. I hope to have a clearer head tomorrow, to try to think.
G'night,x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2008 07:42

"I just want some way to turn my relationship with him into a good one, but I feel so confused. I think I owe it to my kids to try. I want to make it work, but I know it won't I suppose. But I have no-where to go. I know logically, I will have to leave, but I don't know how I will ever manage. He is good with the dc's and they adore him. I have always found that odd, how he manages to be so warm to the dc's, yet such a cold fish to me..I suppose he just does not love me".

These also sound like the words of someone who is on the receiving end of domestic violence.

Who owns the property?. Why should you also be the one to leave; he should be the one to leave if anything.

Communication has to be two way - it seems that for reasons only known to him he is not interested in wanting to talk. He is not your responsibility.

This is also about power and control.

You owe it to your children to be responsible to them and your own self (not him); if this is not working and the violence does sound like it is escalating in both frequency and actions then someone has to make a decision here. You cannot continue to permit your children learn from all this; children are perceptive and pick up on bad vibes. Currently you are both imparting damaging lessons to them. They are learning that violence is an acceptable part of relationships (you continue to remain there) - this is no legacy to leave them.

I would contact Womens Aid too.

He is seemingly nice to the children at present; this is also because they are very young. When they become teenagers he could well act aggressively towards them.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2008 07:55

If he refuses to talk about it then I would suggest that you need outside help. I don't think you should let it drift on, he will probably do it again.

Flightattendant4 · 23/11/2008 08:10

Sorry to read this, you really, really have to get out - you can't make it go away, he won't stop.

It is already getting worse and will get worse and worse and worse from here on in.

He is totally resistant to any insight and will not do counselling from what you have said, so you need to protect your children and yourself and leave - or get him to leave. Whose is the house?

Once again I am so sorry to hear this is happening, but it is not your fault and you cannot make it go away and you can't make him stop however nice you are and tiptoe around him. You can't, it's out of your hands.

Womensaid have a good website, and we are here to listen and suggest things to help. xxx

Flightattendant4 · 23/11/2008 08:12

Here is the site, have a read

Lots of love to you
Let us know if you are Ok this morning

TheSweetLittleBunny · 23/11/2008 08:26

TBH, the minute that boundary is crossed when people resort to aggressive physical contact instead of talking, things can slowly progress and that becomes the mode of communication in a household (on one or both sides). Eventually either or both of you will have to fight harder and harder to get your point across and therefore the interactions between you could become more aggressive and violent.
It really does sound as though the two of you need some time apart, it is not good for the children either as I imagine the atmosphere between the two of you cannot be warm and loving at the moment.