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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm scared hes going to try and contact her again

32 replies

greenballoon · 20/11/2008 20:21

About 3.5 years ago I found out that DP had been texting an ex-girlfriend from about 20 years ago (they'd had no contact over all those years).

She had contacted him via Friends Reunited , they exchanged mobile nos. and started texting.

I found and read some of the texts ( along the lines of "If things had only been different/ really think we could have made something of it/ can't stop thinking about you / I think I still love you". Geographically (thankfully) she lives about 3-4hrs drive away otherwise I really do believe they would have met up and things may have gone further.

I got DP to confess to the texting without actually telling him I'd read a lot of the texts. Told him that he was lucky -that he nearly destroyed our family, if it had of gone further our relationship would be over etc. I pointed out to him that he was, in effect, "in love with" someone he knew when they were both about 18/20 yrs old and how could I compete with his rose-tinted view of this person. He nearly ruined our relationship for someone he hasn't seen or had contact with for 20 yrs FFS.

Anyway that was that although I've had my trust dented massively so occasionally check his text messages and computer history.

Fast forward to now. Hes been on Friends Reunited and searched her name.

I'm now petrified hes going to make contact with her and its going to start all over again.

And yes I know snooping is never a good idea and I was wrong to do that but its been hanging over me all this time that I just knew he was to make contact with her again - I swear he wants to meet/see her again. Its as if theres this unfinished business.

Not sure why I've posted this. Am I right to be worried? Should I do/say something?

OP posts:
Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 20:42

anyone?

OP posts:
frisbyrat · 20/11/2008 20:45

Do nothing. Observe. But if she's not on Friends Reunited, sign up as her (easy to do), if you know her school. All you needs is a hotmail address, her name, year of leaving, and school. Then see what he does...

Disclaimer: this is baaaad advice.

frisbyrat · 20/11/2008 20:45

need

Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 20:47

frisbyrat -shes on there which is why it would be all too easy for him to make contact again.

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 20/11/2008 20:50

I sometimes search my exs whereabouts, just to check they are still the sad losers I split up from. Some are some aren't.

Is there some reason you checked up on the search?

frisbyrat · 20/11/2008 20:54

Is she on facebook? If not, join under her name and any details that you know (with cartoon photo), and send him an email invite to join too.

Or just ask him what he's up to?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/11/2008 20:58

I'm not sure how you open the conversation when you've been snooping. Could you have found his search accidentally? (Did you? How do you find this stuff anyway? [stoopid])

Anyway, did she (in the past) encourage your DH's fantasy of "being in love" or was she more reserved? If they'd like to meet up again, you could suggest a meeting en famille, with her dh/dc (if any). This makes you look rational and calm.

In the event said meeting happens, it's rather hard to gaze adoringly at your lost love when s/he's surrounded by spouse and offspring, and nearly a quarter of a century older.

Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 20:58

I just checked because I've had this gut feeling that neither of them will let it lie until they've taken this further. I think DP would like to see her again for the thrill/the possibility of a relationship again/the ego-trip....who knows? I'm just speculating really

DP and I have our ups and downs as most couples do but things are OK at the moment -there have been times where I might have been less surprised to find him trying to contact her again.

OP posts:
Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 21:03

No way would I pretend to be her frisbyrat. (I'd only get caught out [wink[)

OldLady -the texts I saw in the past showed that both of them were being flirty and suggestive. I truly believe that they would have met in secret if it had been at all possible.

There is no way I would go along with a family meet up - I'm too insecure, and would feel scared that if they "liked what they saw" of each other that they would continue contact in secret/meet.

OP posts:
unavailable · 20/11/2008 21:04

Maybe he was just feeling a little nostalgic/wistful/fed up/bored/curious etc etc.

My point is, he may have done this in any number of moods, but it is unlikely he is on a mission to start an affair.

Dont you ever wonder what happened to someone you had a relationship in the past? Or even occasionally daydream about how your life might have been if...?

Your dh didnt have an affair with this woman when he was with you, and the texts you have written about happened more than 3 years ago. I think you should move on,and stop spying on him. Its not healthy.

Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 21:07

oh and the only way I can think of opening a conversation is by asking him if hes had any contact/tried to make contact with her since his text "fling".

I tend to know when hes lying (and he knows this) so could challenge him if he says hes not tried to contact her IYSWIM. But then I don't know where I'd go with that conversation anyway

OP posts:
unavailable · 20/11/2008 21:09

Dont have a conversation. There is nothing to have a conversation about. Just leave it be, and stop checking up on him.

Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 21:12

unavailable - I know that you're right, it is unhealthy but what happened with those texts really hurt me.

I couldn't believe that he would risk everything for someone hes not seen for 20yrs. (and, if it wasn't for the distance and the fact I found out before it went further I think they would have met) -thats what I can't get out of my mind.

Thank you though , deep down I think I know I need to snap out of it and I guessed someone would say as much

In fact thanks everyone -its sort of helping me process my thoughts IYSWIM

OP posts:
Original poster
greenballoon · 20/11/2008 21:14

X'ing posts everywhere!

My comment about the conversation was in response to OldLady's post

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Anifrangapani · 20/11/2008 21:15

I would be pissed off that he had tried to contact her a second time, after you made your feelings clear about the texts.

However I have learnt that if they are going to have an affair they will. It is not to do with you as a person. Sometimes it happens, but it is not the end of of your relationship together. My Dh had an affair with my friend... I didn't see it coming, but dh & I are still together and stronger than before.

The worst bit was trust or lack of it and I truly think you have to trust him that nothing will happen or you will forever be looking over your shoulder and wondering. I hated the person I became because of my lack of trust in him. Talk to your dh about your lack of trust, which seems to have been left over from last time.

honestfriend · 21/11/2008 08:21

To give you another perspective- I could be that OW!

I have an ex- from when I was 18- we were engaged- and we are still in touch. we have been for over 15 years, although it is over 35 years since we first dated, during which time he has divorced and remarried for the 3rd time. It could have been me, but I couldn't leave my DH and split up my family.

Now he is settled again, it is too late. We do talk about it. He is happy and when he wasn't, I wasn't ready to make the break. I love him and always will, and he still cares for me a great deal.

The reason I am telling you this, is because although we all look back and often wish for somehing different, the odds on it happening are not great- I am sure your DH will not leave you. The best you can do is relax over it and be a loving wife so that he won't want to leave his marriage.

marlasinger · 21/11/2008 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dottoressa · 21/11/2008 08:37

If it were me, I would feel the same as you, greenballoon. I would be horrified if my DH did what yours did 3.5 years ago, and terrified if he then started looking up her name again. Maybe I am insecure myself, but that is how I would feel.

In your position, I would have to be honest. I would have to say that I know I was wrong, but I have been snooping and know that he has been looking her up again. I would say, in my defence, that I have not recovered my confidence following the 'text affair', and it's my own lack of confidence and security that has made me do such a sneaky thing.

It sounds as if the 'text affair' really hurt you, and you need to get over that. Your DH should be trying to help and reassure you on that score. It may be ages ago by some people's reckoning, but if you are still upset about it, that is what counts - not how long ago it was.

Not sure this is helpful - just a rambly response, really!

honestfriend · 21/11/2008 09:08

it's not meant to be patronising. what I meant was that jealousy and suspiciousness can be the best way to send him running into someone else's arms, as it will alienate him more.

marlasinger · 21/11/2008 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
greenballoon · 17/12/2008 17:28

Help!

An up-date cos I need advice.

I confronted him without saying that I'd been snooping - I said it was gut feeling, combined with something else that without suspicions would have seemed trivial IYSWIM.

He basically denied it but at the same time sort of admitted it by saying it was his "mid-life crisis".

Anyway the other day a SIM card arrives for him from his phone provider -I walked in as he was opening it and he just said they must have sent it in error etc. Being suspicious I made a note of the number (without him knowing). I tried the number today (withheld my no.) and it rang but was "answered" with silence before they hung up.

Checked his pc history -he has google Friends Reunited yesterday and last week but no further history for it (so has obviously deleted the FR bit from the history but forgot to delete the google search).

So dilemma -do I:

  • confront him and tell him to pack his bags as I'm pretty sure the 2nd SIM is for contacting her (but end up ruining the DCs Xmas)

-bide my time but that would give them time to communicate more, get closer, plan a meet up

-bury my head in the sand and hope I'm imagining it?

Got to go now -dinner etc but will try and get back on later to see what you all think.

OP posts:
Original poster
greenballoon · 17/12/2008 17:30

oh and meant to say that there could be a chance that they could try and meet as despite big distance between where we live and she lives we will be somewhere over new year where she may well be (as in a town not a venue)

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VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 17/12/2008 17:43

He needs a shock i think, tell him if he wants to persue this woman then he must leave NOW, make himself single and avaliable, then he is free to stike up contact her, tell him you will not put up with him continuing to persue her while you are still in a relationship

If he wants to stay then he must have no contact with her at all, but if he is already trying to make contact behind your back now who know when he might start it up again, so its going to be hard to trust him.

babyinacorner · 17/12/2008 18:03

bide your time and get more evidence.

Having said that, I wouldn't have the patience and would be demanding answers.

It sounds like he is living in a bit of a fantasy bubble at the moment. If by some chance he does end up meeting her I bet the reality of their much older selves will shock them into reality.

I hope it all works out for you - you sound like you have been remarkably dignified about the whole thing.

Original poster
greenballoon · 17/12/2008 19:30

part of me wants to bide my time, part just wants to blurt it out now, tell him to go and see if this shocks him.

I don't want to ruin DC's Xmas though.

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