Do you 'hold it together' for the children?

[OrmIrian]

When you are upset by something, do you keep a stiff upper lip or let it all hang out? I've read many times on here that you shouldn't cry in front of children. DH agrees. I can't do that. I just can't. If I'm upset I cry.

I can deal with all the logistical hassles of 3 DC/school/bedtime/work, worrying about school, worrying about money, worrying about my job (and whether I will have one in 6 months time ), budgeting, housework and the usual rushing around chasing my tail. And all the extra little things that come up from time to time. I absorb it like a sponge. All the stress and tiredness. Sometimes i feel as if I'm holding all our lives together by sheer willpower. But something that affects me emotionally will make me weep like a tap.

I think it's normal. At least I thought it was, but now I've realised that my DC tend to try to protect me sometimes, make me feel better, and I think that is the wrong way round. It's me that should be protecting them. No?

How do you make yourself get a grip? I want to be strong, grow some cojones I guess.

In general no I don't hold it together in front of them,I teach my children that being upset is normal, and it's not wrong to cry. If I'm upset and they see me I explain that I'm upset, but I'm ok.

I grew up with 2 parents who always held it together in front of me - and I'm sure that had an effect on me being able to express my feelings, and trying to hide how I feel (which has a detrimental effect on my mental health)

For really important things like friends dying, if they make me sad, I will cry in front of the children and explain why.
Sometimes they give me a hug, sometimes they shrug it off with a 'yes but I want to do playdough NO'. They are two young for them to try to protect me.

How old are you DC?

That should 'yes but I want to do playdough NOW'

How do your DC try to protect you?

Do they not tell you things because they might upset you?

They come and put their arms around me and say 'it's alright mummy' and try to paint things in a better light. No they wouldn't hide things from me - I don't think - unless they were likely to be in trouble of course.

It just feels as if they are treating me like something fragile and I shouldn't be iyswim.

I've just looked at your profile and seen their ages. I think that's perfectly natural and it would be worrying if they didn't show some sort of empathy.

However, if one of them was being bullied and didn't want to tell you because they knew it would upset you, that would be worrying.

Nothing wrong with weeping because you saw a sad story on the news and then sniffling your way through cooking dinner afterwards, as long as you hold it together enough to do what needs to be done.

No I don't hold it together all the time. DD has also seen me struggling a bit when I'm ill (nothing serious, just the usual lurgy etc)

She is only 4 but she will come and hug me and say 'it's ok mummy'. I don't really have a problem with it, it shows she has empathy, and I always reassure her that I am ok, just a bit upset.

Agree with FAQ.

I do try to hold it together infront of my kids most of the time, I don't want them to think they have to look after me, I am a very emotional person and cry at the drop of a hat and go all puffy and red, so they have seen me upset plenty times. I just try to explain that sometimes mummu does get upset, especially when things ar important to me and that sometimes things are difficult to sort out etc.

That bothers me too. The eldest 2 are the most protective. DD is fine - I know that,she's told me the only time she felt unhappy in her class because of one girl. But DS#1 is another matter - I do worry about him sometimes.

I saw my mum crying for the first time when I was about 12. She was totally embarrassed and shouted at me - didn't like appearing vulnerable I guess.

I would much rather that my dc see me as human and able to express emotion. My mum was very good at expressing anger, but not any other emotions. My relationship with her has always been strained and distant.

I get DS to make me a cup of tea if he has sussed out I am upset, it gives him something practical to do and lets him feel he is helping me a bit.

You're worried about your DS1 worrying about you, yes? But look at it this way - how much more would he worry if you sort of clammed up emotionally and did not show when you were upset?

If he is perceptive - which he sounds - then he would worry that you were hiding something.

Your kids are lovely btw

Thank you doggy.

For eg ATM one of DS#1's rats is very sick. He is devestated, we all are. And I've been sobbing with the rest of them, but he keeps trying to put a brave face on it and tell me it's going to be OK, even through his tears.

Most of the time I hold it together, but not all of the time. I don't think kids should be burdened with worries beyond their years, but equally if you don't feel well, or are very upset then it is good that they learn to sympathise and support.

Additionally, having a 'frank exchange of views' with your dp in front of the kids is not always a bad thing (as long as it not phyically violent/continual). My mum and dad had (and still have) some corkers (i distinctly remember a cookery book wizzing through the air from my mum on one occasion... not aimed at anyone) They have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and are very happy...I learned that you can disagree, fight and still love each other.

It's so hard with much loved pets. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for him too, trying to convince himself it will all be ok.

I think it's important for children to feel their parents are strong and for them to feel secure about that strength so I wouldn't tend to cry in front of dd about certain things. I have cried about big things though and she is a mixture of curious (she's 6) and slightly upset about it. She's never felt that she has to reassure me though, I wouldn't want that, that seems like role-reversal.

The first time I saw my mum cry I was 15 and we were on holiday and we'd all been pretty awful, including my dad who'd got blind drunk one evening and embarrassed us all. It was a complete shock to me to think that my mum had a vulnerable side as she was so tough and practical and I think it changed my relationship with her for the better.

"She's never felt that she has to reassure me though, I wouldn't want that, that seems like role-reversal"

I agree Not sure how to stop being so emotional about things.

i've heared that its good for children to see their parents upset, argue and then work through their problems so that children can learn about emotions and know that life has its ups and downs...and not to feel embarrassed/confused about feelings/emotions.

I didn't mean to make you feel sad OI. I've been thinking about this since reading your OP.

I think children do show compassion and that that is a good thing. I grew up a lot the day I saw my mum cry. I think there is a fine line between them feeling they have to protect you and them seeing you as a human who naturally does get upset over things. Because you don't want them to feel they can't talk to you about their problems in case you get upset. I'm sure that's not your case, it sounds like you are an emotional person who shows how she feels without making your children feel responsible for you.

Its OK IF. It's just what I was thinking anyway. WHich is why I started the thread. I do something think I need to distance myself from the DCs a bit. I'm just too involved. DH sees a clear boundary between 'them and us' in a sense, I don't.

I try to hold it together but have cried countless times in front of my two. They are both very sweet to me when I cry which I think can only help them as they get older empathising with others. There was a period when my ds and I were talking alot my feelings but I have put a stop to that as I think I was burdening him with my unhappiness at the time - but in general I think its perfectly OK to cry in front of them it shows them that you are human too

I often manage to hold it together, but often don't.
I'll just explain that I'm a bit sad and will be fine soon. So sweet that they try to comfort you.

I'd say it's totally fine as long as it's not too much for them and you are the best judge of that.

I know ds was bit confused seeing me cry once and wanted to know where he could kiss it better. Bless! (told him my head hurt!!!)

My mum was always burdening me with her worries. I don't do that - my attitude is always "not a problem, we'll cope fine" although I don't tell lies about what we can and can't afford/do. I spent much of my childhood worrying about money.