Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

so sad about my friendship

30 replies

jnmum · 18/11/2008 22:25

Hi, I am really sad about someone I used to be really close to. I have known her for 6 years since our daughters were first born. We used to see each other at least twice a week when they were young and as I worked three days a week I always made sure we saw each other on one of my days off.

We supported each other as I was a single parent and she split up from her husband when her daughter was 6 months old and saw each other at the weekends too. Then when her daughter was 2 she got back together with her husband and had another daughter. Her husband worked on Saturdays so we continued to see each other twice a week. We used to speak on the phone alot and sometimes go out in the evenings.

But she has got more and more distant from me. Last year my DD started school and I started working every day but could still have met her on Saturdays but she wasn't often free. This year I'm working less hours, (3 days per week) and she doesn't work so would be poss to meet for coffee etc on the other days. Her husband now has Saturdays off and our kids go to different schools but she lives close to me and we could meet after school etc.

I feel really sad because we used to be close but she never calls me, rarely returns a text or takes days to. I have asked her and she says its the logistics of different schools etc but I feel kind of used - like I was a good friend for while she needed me but has got a different life now and doesn't need me any more. I can't stand feeling needy but this is how she makes me feel now.

OP posts:

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 22:31

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

saadia · 18/11/2008 22:39

That does sound sad, I don't blame you for feeling down as you would hope that someone that you were once so close to would still make time for you. Have you suggested meeting up on those weekdays when you are both free?

hester · 18/11/2008 22:40

I'm sorry, jnmum; it's really sad when this happens. I don't think you should feel used; she's just in a different place right now and that often happens to friendships. But it's so tough when it's not mutual. for you.

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 22:44

saadia, yes have suggested all kinds of things. Feel really pushy and needy and just have to let her go. Sad for my son and sad for me.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 18/11/2008 22:45

I do think it's very sad, but part of life unfortunately. I had some great friends at Uni etc, but as life changes so do your friends sadly. I would keep on touch, but try and move on to friends you perhaps have yet to meet who are in your life now. That's what she is doing, and it's the way of the world, I'm afraid.

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 22:47

I understand what you're saying about moving on but I don't really understand why. Our children might be at different schools but we live really close and most of my son's friends don't go to the same school.

OP posts:

saadia · 18/11/2008 22:51

It does seem very unfair. I agree that people move on and relationships change but loyalty should also count for something and I do think it's worth trying to maintain friendships through changes in peoples' lives.

Obviously there is nothing else you can do but try to be open to making new friends.

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 22:54

I actually feel like writing a letter to her explaining how I feel, given that the friendship seems to have come to an end anyway and there isn't much to loose...

OP posts:

newgirl · 18/11/2008 22:54

i think it is sad - good friends are rare things and i hope she doesnt look back and regret it

however it does happen when the kids go to school - i have a lovely friend who doesnt make the effort to meet up anymore and it is because she has made new mates through her dd school and they meet up, and she now goes to the gym more often - it is a real shame but i now have other things to do also so its ok

i think when kids start to go to school the mums sort of think - ah i can get on with my life now and it can be exciting to meet new people and pick up the things you used to do prekids so perhaps this is what has happened with her?

i have another friend who has been great at keeping in touch - dif schools made no difference at all

you sound very nice - go out and meet lots of new great people

newgirl · 18/11/2008 22:56

no no dont write a letter - that just sounds like telling her off - she is so not likely to say 'yes of course sily me we must meet up every week' - she will just feel told off

be fab and glam and show her whats shes missing! that sounds like dating now

mrsruffallo · 18/11/2008 23:02

I wouldn't write a letter
It is sad but just life I am afraid. I know that sounds cynical but people get busy and cicumstances change.
If her child has a few after school classes and she wants to spend time with her husband at the weekends then it will be hard to fit other things in.
Maybe plan a night out together, give her plenty of notice and spend some time together

alleve · 18/11/2008 23:03

Sometimes, people are just there when we need them and then when we don't things move on. It's a nice way of looking at friendships. It's a rare friendship that survives the years.

I have friends that will always be there but that I may not be in touch with for months but the things we shared mattered.

mrsruffallo · 18/11/2008 23:07

I agree alleve. I have good friends I don't talk to for months. We have children, we understand.
I am sure you will always be friends, maybe not as intense but still friends nonetheless

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:12

ok won't write her a letter. (Actually left a bit of a stroppy message tonight on her phone. Bumped into her last week, invited her over tomorrow as am having some friends over for a meal. She said she'd let me know but didn't. Texted her today but no reply. This evening I rang and said I was surprised she hadn't let me know one way or the other but would assume she wasn't coming. Anyway, she texted to say no.)

Evenings out etc not possible as whatever I suggest seems to be no! I do feel paranoid about it to be honest and also sad and miss her.

OP posts:

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:16

It is true about the school thing etc, but her son doesn't have classes after school and although I understand her wanting to spend time with her husband at the weekends, he works from home. Plus there were things we used to do such as go to fireworks etc together that this year she went with another friend (we ended up at the same display!, when I'd asked her she had said she wasn't sure what she was doing!

But she is quite an upfront person and has assured me that we are still friends.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 18/11/2008 23:16

JNmum, it is a horrible feeling.
How was she when you bumped into her?

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:24

mrsruffallo, quite of strange really. She gushed about how much she loved my new haircut then we both went into a shop, got my stuff then waited outside as I had to wait for a prescription in the chemist next door. Felt a bit awkward, like I was waiting for her. When she came out had a short chat then invited her to mine tomorrow and mentioned it again before she left and she said she'd let me know. But I felt a bit like I was hanging around when I should have left (even though I had to wait for the chemist).

OP posts:

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:26

think I won't get in touch again ...I hate feeling needy and she knows that and that is how I feel. Think/hope she will get in touch sometime, maybe over Christmas and will just be friendly, happy but the first to suggest leaving etc when/if we do arrange to meet.

OP posts:

cthea · 18/11/2008 23:27

Give it some time, Jnmum, see how you feel in a few weeks (not long, maybe 2-3) without initiating contact. You'll miss her less as time goes but feel fine meeting up again on a less intense level. It's horrible when that happens but I think it's best to give yourselves some space just now. Not in a huffy way, just let it go for a bit.

cthea · 18/11/2008 23:28

x-posted. Good luck. (There's always MN to spend time on )

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:31

yes but feel it has to be her initiation cthea? and for me to be more distant otherwise I do feel needy...

OP posts:

fossa · 18/11/2008 23:31

I know how you feel, I had a really close friend once, we were both single parents, but when I met dh she backed right off, as though I'd let her down by meeting someone. Haven't seen her for three years, and still miss her sometimes.

mrsruffallo · 18/11/2008 23:32

It does sound like you need to step back.
Keep yourself busy and have a cry if you need to but maintain your self respect and give yourself a break from feeling like you're chasing her

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:33

It's horrible fossa. Circumstances don't need to change friendships completely.

OP posts:

Original poster

jnmum · 18/11/2008 23:34

mrsruffallo - you're right. I will now back off completely. If/when she contacts me I will see her but will be more distant (friendly but leave after short time etc)...otherwise I'm getting hurt and feel like I'm chasing her.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2