so sad about my friendship

[jnmum]

Hi, I am really sad about someone I used to be really close to. I have known her for 6 years since our daughters were first born. We used to see each other at least twice a week when they were young and as I worked three days a week I always made sure we saw each other on one of my days off.

We supported each other as I was a single parent and she split up from her husband when her daughter was 6 months old and saw each other at the weekends too. Then when her daughter was 2 she got back together with her husband and had another daughter. Her husband worked on Saturdays so we continued to see each other twice a week. We used to speak on the phone alot and sometimes go out in the evenings.

But she has got more and more distant from me. Last year my DD started school and I started working every day but could still have met her on Saturdays but she wasn't often free. This year I'm working less hours, (3 days per week) and she doesn't work so would be poss to meet for coffee etc on the other days. Her husband now has Saturdays off and our kids go to different schools but she lives close to me and we could meet after school etc.

I feel really sad because we used to be close but she never calls me, rarely returns a text or takes days to. I have asked her and she says its the logistics of different schools etc but I feel kind of used - like I was a good friend for while she needed me but has got a different life now and doesn't need me any more. I can't stand feeling needy but this is how she makes me feel now.

I don't know. If she gets in touch, reply, don't put on a show or anything. But otherwise, try and give her some space for a bit. I felt similarly with a friend, I thought she was my closest friend here. Then she got a different set of friends and it was always "my neighbour did this, and my neighbour did that" etc etc, nothing counted unless it had been vetoed/OK-ed by her neighbours (note: not friends). Anyway, in the end I decided I was chasing up her friendship and I should let it go. So I stopped that. We are still friends, she still bleats on about her neighbours (who haven't become her friends 5 years later), but that's OK, I don't "need" her and I've moved on too. It's sad but she wanted/aspired to something different.

yes will try your suggestions, thankyou. I don't feel our friendship is lost forever, just that she has moved on and she makes me feel needy/I am needy...

You must remind yourself that this isn't how friends should make you feel!
They are there for support and laughter amongst other things
Yes, concentrate on yourself and your dd and have lots of fun and happiness together.
You'll be fine, it just takes time.
Set your sights on some new friends- maybe there are some at your dd's school that you now have the time to make friends with?

Put a note inside her christmas card.

'miss you. hope we can get together soon?. Love jnsmum'
If she doesn't respond, then leave the ball in her court.
Sometimes friendships come to an end. I know my exbf (of 22 years) is still emailing my DD1 and we haven't spoken for 9 months. I miss her, I always will. I always thought our circumstances wouldnt affect anything, but it did in the end. She had a DS of 2 and my DD's are 14 and 11 now so I've been through all that stuff before. We have completely different lifestyles now, and we live 120 miles apart. She'a married and I'm divorced. Single mum for 6 years now. I'm jealous of her and she judged me...

That's life.

Send her a nots in your xmas card and see how it goes.

jnmum, I'm not sure that you're needy. It sounds to me that instead you're confused about why she has abandoned your friendship. You say she is upfront and assures you that your friendship is still alive, and obviously she's got a busy life, but did she explain why she doesn't seem to want to hang out with you anymore?

Without wanting to throw a spanner in the works, I kind of disagree with the advice to not get in touch.

If you have lost her friendship, you've lost it, but perhaps you deserve an explanation and should ask for one? Perhaps you should write her a letter, not an angry/upset/preachy one, but one that explains that you're hurt because you feel rejected, that although you understand she doesn't have as much time for you as she did, it doesn't seem as if your friendship is alive when she doesn't return your calls or texts and never makes an effort to be in touch. Why not tell her that you feel used?

Some people might say that it's not dignified. Begging for a friendship to someone who doesn't want to give it certainly isn't. But I think there's dignity in seeing your feelings have relevance in this situation, and that just because she's ignored them as if they don't count, doesn't mean you should. It's taking care of your feelings, and who cares what she thinks of that? You don't have to be judgy in your letter, but your feelings have been hurt and why should you pretend they haven't, just because she doesn't acknowledge them?

Perhaps you'll feel it's easier to let go of the 'friendship' once you have said how you feel?

But the advice to walk away from the friendship seems sensible to me. You sound like you like to share true friendship, and so you should not accept any less from other people, unless it's on equal terms.

Sorry you feel bad.