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Original poster

DH just told me that he now 'sees me as a sister' :(

35 replies

WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 10:50

I've felt that we have nothing to talk about other than the kids and finally he's said his 'love for me has changed and he sees me now as a sister'. WTF? where did that come from? I feel like such a mug as am the one doing everything I can to make things run smoothly yet hadn't seen this coming. I've made jokes about us being like housemates as I see so little if him but never expected this to be a reality. Haven't had sex for months as his excuse was he didn't want to 'bring on the baby'. Now I guess the reality is its me! I know I haven't let myself go as my business relies on my looking healthy so its shattering to think that the problem is deeper than that.

Bad timing as now we have a toddler and a baby. My initial reaction was 'Fuck you i'll move out then' but then on reflection I am totally trapped and will lose either way as I don't want to be on my own with a baby and a toddler and i'd hate to be the one to break up our family over this.

There is no affection here towards me and I just don't know what i've done wrong-even a goodbye kiss is on my cheek. God how depressing. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JumpingDizzy · 18/11/2008 10:52

so sorry for you especially as it's such a shock. Looks like he's made his decision though? Have you talked counselling yet?

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2008 10:55

sorry but do you think this could be triggered by him having interest in someone else??

seems strange that within the time it took to conceive your last child and now he has 'switched off' the feelings he had...?

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 10:55

he says he expected things to just snap back but they haven't-has felt like this for a year?! My sister says that we need to do things as a couple to get some spark back and get away from being mummy and daddy. makes sense but as all he does is work i'm not sure where exactly I fit in.

Lol not really what you want to hear 4 weeks post childbirth when your hormones are all over the place

OP posts:
JumpingDizzy · 18/11/2008 10:56

Are you sure he is working all the hours he says?

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 10:57

Dropdeadfred- i wondered about this and periodically check his phone (i confess i'm a nosy cow! but he often looks as mine and thought we have nothing to hide). Not found anything incriminating unless it is a work colleague.

OP posts:
shitehawk · 18/11/2008 10:58

Try Relate. Tell him that you don't want to be married to your brother but that you want to try and work on your relationship. His response will tell you whether he is interested in salvaging the relationship or not.

If he wants to try and bring back the spark then it can be done - both of you will have to work at it, but it is definitely achieveable. You have to know where you really stand first, though - you need some honesty from him.

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2008 10:59

4 weeks? Oh my God...you poor thing. Noone feels right just 4 weeks after, it does soound like he soends too much time away from you for you to figure much in his day to day life...did he take paternity leave?

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 10:59

am fairly sure as he calls me from his work landline. his job does involve a lot of weekends and evenings as can only be done when people are out of the office

OP posts:
Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:02

he took 2 weeks off and then got flu the 2nd week!! so i spent the week at my mums as i needed help with my 2 yr old and baby post CS.

I'll ask him about the counselling- i feel like our relationship is priority 10992 in the grand scheme of things at the moment. I said that unless things change i will leave as at 28 sex and a loving relationship is important to me. We've always enjoyed {ahem] a good relationship this way

OP posts:
teenspirit · 18/11/2008 11:03

This is a normal phase - don't worry or beat yourself up. Life changes so much when you have children and men are not to adaptive (bless em!)
It is hard work having a toddler and a baby your lucky to get through day to day without sex and a Mills and Boon relationship as well.
Start communicating more and making little efforts here and there (though he has got to be willing to do the same) you should reconnect and things will get better.
I have a 5 month old and a 3 year old and have not had sex for 6 months or so and my dh has only just started complaining Affection comes in spurts when we have the energy or if dh wants something!!! We both accept that this is our life temporarily as most of our time and energy goes into earning a living and raising 2 beautiful yet demanding children. We haven't given up but in a lot of ways our relationship is on hold. I think your husband has to mature a bit and accept that life and love changes and just cause it's not like it was in the beginning doesn't mean that it's not love.
If things get to bad call his bluff and ask him to leave - I bet he doesn't!

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2008 11:04

does he seem genuinely sad/heartbroken about this or has he turned cold?

DrTreeHugger · 18/11/2008 11:10

Oh darling, this sounds so sad and I am sat here really feeling for you
Remember that whatever you do you must be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up about anything you have or haven't done.I must add one more thing though (and this is only my opinion so feel free to discount it at will)
In my opinion,a man never just goes off someone, there is usually always someone else to trigger this. I do hope I am wrong

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:10

teenspirit- i thought this was normal aswell as i'm well aware that things change and adapt- that's why it seems like such a slap in the face for him to say this to me without any kind of action to do anything about it. I reacted angrily (as anyone who has had feck all sleep for the last 4 weeks would) and he slept on sofa!! to me this showed that as usual his response was to walk away and let me do the talking. I feel like i want to bloody shake him and say bloody well grow up! we have 2 fantastic kids and i thought that as a couple we were happy. i'm quite an affectionate person and for him to switch off like this is hard to take.

OP posts:
Pannacotta · 18/11/2008 11:10

I'd hope that since you have two children he would remember how hard it is for the first few months after a baby is born, partners/husbands need to support the mother not undermine her.
Perhaps as he isn't at home much he doesn't realise what a slog it is for you and that life with two little ones is pretty unglamourous for most families (unless they have huge amounts of help with DCs).
Can you remind him of this in a nice way?

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:12

DrTreehugger- i've always said this too . I have no evidence tho as yet (I will put my Miss Marple hat on tho)

OP posts:
Pannacotta · 18/11/2008 11:13

DO you think he is feeling out of it, ie perhaps not getting the attention/affection he is used to?
Am sure most fathers feel a bit on the sidelines in the first few weeks/months post baby.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:15

he was around for the whole 1st year of DS's life as he was finishing his degree so i'd hope he would remember!

he seems to have thrown himself into his job and annoyingly bounces back at me that he's only working these hours to support us. This does piss me off as I supported him when he was doing his degree and it with my money soley that funded this family until this year when he graduated.

OP posts:
Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:17

he's not even around to give attention too! and when he's here he seems if he isn't IYKWIM. Anyway he says he has felt this way for a long time

OP posts:
teenspirit · 18/11/2008 11:18

Don't fight send him a text message now saying I love you and see how he responds - might not be as bad as you think.

Pannacotta · 18/11/2008 11:20

Is it possible for him to work fewer hours and muck in more with your DCs?
SOunds like he might be feeling bit superfluous (sp?) at home but also resentful about his long hours, which is an awkard combination.
I am a great believer in fathers being around as much as possible esp when DCs are very small, even if it means earning less.
Sadly my DH doesnt seem to see things this way and is a workaholic which is a real problem so I really know where you are coming from.
FWIW am not sure it sounds like he has met someone else, to me it seems more likely that family/work pressures are building up leading to bad feeling on his part which he is taking out on you.
Agree that it is worth trying counselling, but 4 weeks post baby is not an easy time as you will be busy/tired/hormonal...

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 11:25

opps baby stirring...gotta go

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 18/11/2008 11:30

sounds like he is being a selfish nob actually - my DH, bless him, was without his conjugals for almost a year until my libido kicked back in last month and he never gave up seeking affection from me, even though I was so mean and kept telling him to Gerroff!

for you and I hope he sorts his priorities out quicksmart.

Original poster
WheresTheAuPair · 18/11/2008 13:22

just found a flowers reciept on his bank statement. i cedrtainly didn't recieve £40 worth of flowers. he's better have a damn good explanation am fucking furious.

OP posts:
Tortington · 18/11/2008 13:25

u h oh!

BitOfFun · 18/11/2008 13:32

Oh dear, he had better have a good explanation for that-I would not like the sound of this...why do people do this? I mean is anything worth risking your whole family for? What a bloody idiot