DH works FT, I'm off on maternity. Should housework be shared?!

[cinnamon81]

I know lots of people posting on here have far bigger problems, but I'm just looking for a bit of perspective after visiting a friend who is a SAHM whose husband does loads round the house.

I'm off on maternity with my lovely DD (4ish months), back to work after Christmas. DH works around 35 hours during the week. I do absolutely everything around the house such as cooking and cleaning, sort finances and spend all day until 7pm looking after DD. I'm also up twice every night to feed DD too (still breastfeeding so can't change this).

Now to be honest I probably did more than my fair share when we were both working full-time, but he at least did something. I'm at the stage now where I'm exhausted and could do with a bit less to do. Mentioned a few times to DH that feeling tired with keeping on top of house and DD and he has done the dishes after dinner the days I've said, which is maybe twice .

To be honest I've just got on with it, thinking well he's working, but after seeing friend and her lovely DH today think maybe I'm being a bit of a doormat. I feel that I've no spare time whereas he has loads, I fall in to bed exhausted every night. Weekends I tend to be doing housework while he plays computer games and we go visiting. He also doesn't do much in the way of helping with DD, will give her a cuddle and do the fun bits for 10 mins but doesn't do nappies or even bathtime.

It's almost like DH sees the time I spend with DD as free time, and although it's not "work", and I can go out during the day etc, I always have a child with me. DH has said he'll do his fair share when I'm back at work again, although I think I may be worn out by then. Do other mum's just expect to do everything instead of sharing the load? Am I just tired and being a moan?

(Sorry for the essay )

Yeah because being a mum 24X7 is not hard work is it

Your DH is being a git but he may not realise how hard it is. Have you tried saying to him 'look after DD for three hours while I go off and do stuff' and seeing how frazzled he is when you get home.

Men need it spelled out though: 'please empty the bin' works better than seething or whinging.

Having said (and I'll whisper this bit) most of us let our standards slip a little until our children are old enough to play on their own for ten minutes because you can't get anything done with a tiny baby who needs constant care. Frankly just getting my teeth brushed was an achievement for the first six months! Sod the ironing I say!

And forgot to mention that I always end up going visiting his family as well as mine without him as he needs "time to chill" with his time off at the weekends. Obviously family wants to see DD but I'm seriouslyc onsidering refusing visiting his side unless he starts coming.

Basically feel like I'm juggling child rearing/house duties/seeing family with not much help, and that if DH put in more effort I'd actually be able to enjoy the time off with DD instead of it being a chore...

I think it was morningpaper who said that the important thing is that you both have equal 'bum on sofa' time.

Your DH is being lazy. He probably does think that you have it easy though. He really will have no understanding of what your day is like. Although saying that when he is home on weekends I would expect that he should do his fair share. My DH works 6 days a week but will always help on his day off.

He needs talking to about how tired you are and how he needs to help you.

You are working longer hours than him, and your work is probably harder.
Maybe he should be doing more housework than you?

sorry your're feeling like that. and that dh doesn;t get it. the reality is that you are working while he's working. you might be able to put the odd load of washing on during the day or do a bit of hoovering when lo sleeps but any house-work that needs doing when dh is not at work needs splitting 50-50. and it might also be the case that some parts of your working day are enjoyable - but others aren't. which is pretty much the same as any job and just because you get to go for a walk in the park that doesn't mean you need to compensate by doing more of the housework.

I agree with WMMM, you have to actually tell them what they need to do. Otherwise, they just leave it until you do it. (In my experience anyway!) I leave DD with DP for an hour or so every friday while I go shopping and it makes him appreciate what I do.

I like gk/mp's line. the work (including paid work, looking after lo, housework) needs splitting so you both get the same time off.

I think that everyone in a house should do something towards the housework. No one likes housework and its got to be done. This applies to my husband and six year old son. Although my son does minimal housework because he is still little. It is wrong that one person should be treated as a general scivy.

Looking after a young baby is very hard work and you deserve time to chill.

How to get your DH off his backside is another matter. I have been very lucky with my husband, he has always been very supportive.

It is impossible to share breastfeeding but my husband used to make me sandwiches and bring me drinks while breastfeeding.

My DH is identical to this! Our DS is nearly 4 months now and to start of with he was fine but now he seems to begrudge me being at home all day whilst he gets up and goes to work. I switched to formula feeding recently so he could easily help out with that but doesn't. To be fair my DP does make dinner but he still insists on going to the pub every night after work so doesn't come home till 7.30pm ish and then chucks some stuff together. I've already said i'm happy to cook and do my share of the housework if he just comes home and looks after DS whilst i'm doing it but he never does. What he doesn't realise is when he comes home for lunch and i'm sat on the sofa and on the internet is that it's the first break i've had all day! I think he thinks i'm welded to the sofa all day!

You have my sympathy!

You need to explain it to him. The easiest way to do this is to give him responsibility for your DD for increasing periods at the weekend. My DH had my DS1 for over an hour when he was just ten or twelve weeks old to go to the dads' session of our baby massage group. It was very odd but amazingly (to me) he coped fine and DS1 was as happy as larry. He was even starting to drink some expressed milk (a rare thing).

So I would suggest you arrange to be out of the house for an hour or hour and a half next Saturday, when you know your little girl will be awake and leave him to it. Do you need a hair cut, perhaps? Feed her up and away you go. Then if there is a catastrophe he can always bring her to the hairdresser's for a top-up.

He can only learn - as you have done - by making his own mistakes. Let him learn. Don't tell him what to do all the time or that his way is wrong, unless it is less threatening. He has to find his own way to respond to your child's needs. It's far too easy to do all of it and to not let them learn themselves but it is self-defeating.

When you go back to work he will need to share stuff. If you have more children he will need to be able to look after a toddler and feed a mother with a newborn. You need to get him trained up now! ThingOne recalls how her DH called her down to lunch the day after DS2 was born to find food for DS1 but nothing for anyone else, lol. Get him practising now .

He is just lazy, always needed a bit of a nudge and maybe I've just been too soft lately. I've tried the "can you do...... whilst I'm doing....." and sometimes he does it, but it's usually met with a sigh and a reluctant shuffling.

Maybe if I go on strike for a week he'll realise that a pixie doesn't do the cooking, cleaning and laundry (especially when he runs out of socks... )

he is probably totally oblivious to it all.

next weekend tell him you feel awfully ill and need bed rest and he is to only bring you dd when she wants a feed. he is NOT to bring his mum round to help him.

It's a lot easier to go to work than stay at home with baby. When ds was about 4 mo, I was trying to get dp to understand that the fact that I had had a baby and the fact that he had was 2 completely different matters. He gets out and then comes home and forgets everything, your job is non-stop, 3am, 4am, 7am, 1pm, all the time and you don't get a day off.
When dp got home from work one friday he walked in, I had a list of things written about my daily routine with regards to feeding, washing up, hoovering etc and had packed a bag for a weekend, I said bye and left friday 10 minutes after he got in and went back sunday evening, dp was wrecked!! He still needs reminding every now and then but he washes up and cooks dinner when I bath ds at the very least

Like your thinking Thingone that men need to be trained! Will try and look at it as a mission...

Bluebump I know how you feel, wish DD was taking bottles often so I could just disappear and leave DD with DH for a whole day and night, it's the feeling that what you do all day is taken for granted more than anything I think.

Can you arrange a day out and he can look after DD?

As for the housework, some men get it and some don't. If you have one who doesn't (like mine) you literally have to dish out instructions as per what everyone else has said. You can't expect them to do stuff as they simply don't seem to notice it needs doing.

Have you had a lie in at the weekend at all? If you always have to get up with the baby that is pretty obviously unfair - so might be a good place to start...

Oops x-post with littleboyblue a weekend away would be bliss...

it does get easier once they're older and only need a feed in the morning and at night. they can be fine on just water through the day. lots of mums do this when they go back to work but continue with a bf first thing and last thing.

Have you asked him when you get your "time to chill" at the weekends? I think it's outrageous that he doesn't accompany you to visit HIS family with the baby at weekends.

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Oh I totally agree with the bum-on-sofa time thing! My DH is a lot better than some I think, he does make an effort but somehow he still seems to get much more reading/sleeping/exercising/"hobby" time than me. He does help out with DS quite a lot when not at work, but after DS's bedtime he tends to be watching telly, reading or whatever and then off to bed, while I can be beetling round the house till 11 some nights doing jobs. In fact some of the things he used to help with before DS, he has now stopped - and any jobs involving REMEMBERING things or organising anything get left to me! The thing that worries me a bit and which you also need to think of perhaps, is what will happen when I go back to work - will be starting again P/T soon. Thing is, now DH has got used to all the little jobs and all the remembering just "happening" (i.e. being done by me...) but once I'm working again I will not be able to keep it all up even if I wanted to. I have warned him things will have to change, sometime very soon I think we need to sit down and talk it over and maybe divvy up the jobs formally a bit! Else all the silly little things like watering plants, washing bedding, remembering to put the bin out etc will just not get done. You might want to think about that one too before your DH gets too used to you doing it all...

Firstly, I would NOT visit his family without him! Not your responsibilty.
I have a theory on this. I think that if you're a SAHM, at the stage where your children are at school,then yes, while you'renot looking after children you should do as much housework and stuff as you can. Surely that's the point?
However, maternity leave is exactly that...leave for you to look after the baby. You're a mum, not a housewife. He goes to work, you take care of baby, but everything else should be split equally! Who does he think will do it when you're back at work? You need to get him sorted now! Show him this thread!

He is only going to get it when you arrange a day out for you, with mates, & leave him to spend some lovely, chilled, dad'n'daughter time with dd...

Can you do this? Might be awkward if you bf (even if you express sufficient for dd, uncomfortable for you) - in which case a morning, not a day maybe.

They'll both be absolutely fine. He will be suitably chastened & in awe of your skilled multitasking.

Or alternatively, he will have a breeze - in which case, it might be irritating but at least he has zero excuse for not doing more sole charge stuff at wknds. Thereby freeing you for more 'bum on sofa' time...

I'm sorry, I know this is going to irritate you all but I'm a single parent who had no help whatsoever from anyone (apart from my parent's who are in their 70's and lovely but who first had my son to stay for a night when he was 2 and weren't able to help with childcare).

Anyway I coped, I really didn't find it that hard. Having a baby for me was wonderful, yes there was more housework, less sleep, difficulties etc but it was fine and you all have partners who do something! Even if it is 'just' bringing a wage. Bringing a baby is not that hard.

jnmum
Know what you're saying but I think it's completely different when there isn't anyone there, just before last xmas, dp went on a training course and stayed away for 2 weeks and to be honest those 2 weeks were easier than any other because I had to do everything and couldn't hold any resentment to my partner because he wasn't there, but when he is here, there's no reason why he shouldn't help.
I disagree with your last sentance tbh, having a baby and bringing up a baby has got to be the hardest job of all.