DH works FT, I'm off on maternity. Should housework be shared?!

[cinnamon81]

I know lots of people posting on here have far bigger problems, but I'm just looking for a bit of perspective after visiting a friend who is a SAHM whose husband does loads round the house.

I'm off on maternity with my lovely DD (4ish months), back to work after Christmas. DH works around 35 hours during the week. I do absolutely everything around the house such as cooking and cleaning, sort finances and spend all day until 7pm looking after DD. I'm also up twice every night to feed DD too (still breastfeeding so can't change this).

Now to be honest I probably did more than my fair share when we were both working full-time, but he at least did something. I'm at the stage now where I'm exhausted and could do with a bit less to do. Mentioned a few times to DH that feeling tired with keeping on top of house and DD and he has done the dishes after dinner the days I've said, which is maybe twice .

To be honest I've just got on with it, thinking well he's working, but after seeing friend and her lovely DH today think maybe I'm being a bit of a doormat. I feel that I've no spare time whereas he has loads, I fall in to bed exhausted every night. Weekends I tend to be doing housework while he plays computer games and we go visiting. He also doesn't do much in the way of helping with DD, will give her a cuddle and do the fun bits for 10 mins but doesn't do nappies or even bathtime.

It's almost like DH sees the time I spend with DD as free time, and although it's not "work", and I can go out during the day etc, I always have a child with me. DH has said he'll do his fair share when I'm back at work again, although I think I may be worn out by then. Do other mum's just expect to do everything instead of sharing the load? Am I just tired and being a moan?

(Sorry for the essay )

Oh yes housework should be shared 50/50. Your Dh works full time, but so do you, Yes your time is managed by you and his by work, but he gets to have set break times whereas you do not.

My DD is now nearly 1yo and DH has always done his fair share and more in the early months. I did all the night ime feeds and 90% of childcare in the week for the first 6 months. I was breastfeeding so it was easier for me to get up with her.
I now do 6 nights and early mornings (That is if DD gets up) a week and DH does one on the weekend. This way we both get a lay in. Now I am expecting number 2, I have said to DH that if DD gets up in the night we will have to take it in turns (he does one night I do the other) as I need my sleep and the tiredness is starting to set in.

Just because he goes out to work and you are at home does not give him the right to treat you as a scivvy maid. So he needs to chill out, but when do you get to chill out?

JNmum - get what your saying, but you are looking after yourself and your ds. Partners do contribute to the need to do housework.
Obviously you have had to cope by yourself, and are doing so admirably.
But just because you can cope as a single mum does not excuse partners from their share of the chores, especially as they make a significant contribution to piles of washing, ironing, general mess etc.
35 hours a week isn't that onerous, my dh works 37.5 hours but also has a longish commute (1 hr) to and from work each day.
When I was on ML (even before I had the baby) Dh helped - he did all our ironing (and still does) takes the rubbish out, does the hoovering and washing up. He also does loads with ds, when he gets home from work he plays with ds, bath him and get him ready for bed which gave me a chance to have some time to sit down, do some dinner prep and have a break from ds before I gave him his bedtime feed (ds is also bf).
During the night feeds, during the early days DH often would help out by winding ds, and changing his nappy if it needed doing.
Weekends, DH does his fair share of looking after ds including feeding him his meals and nappy changes.
I feel a bit for you, Cinnamon that your DH doesn't want to spend a huge amount of time with your dd, but it could be he is simply not a 'baby' person, some people struggle to interact with babies that young - but once the babies become more mobile they are wonderful with them.
I would definitely address your concerns with your DH you need to get some more help from him especially with your dd, it is exhausting especially if you are feeding through the night.
I think it is important you do this now - if you are returning to work once you ML is up, I would hope that your DH would not be leaving all the housework and childcare to you!

Oh dear.

Sadly you have turned into his mother without noticing.

I expect his mother did everything when he was a child so he's just got a different set of expectations of what being a mum or dad is.

You'd prob be better sitting him down with a list of the chores (make it huge and long)and pointing out which ones you are going to stop doing and that he is welcome to either pick them up himself or leave them too.

For example there is no need to iron any of his clothes. If he wants an ironed shirt he can do it himself.

IMO if there are two parents you should only do the grocery shopping wihtout a baby - so either go when he gets back from work or at the weekend LEAVING THE BABY WITH HIM

You also need to point out that baby now needs lots of time with dad so he is to do every bathtime (7 days a week) and take the baby out for a walk in the buggy every weekend while you stay at home.

Just a few changes might help!

This is tough. DH is the same although he is very interactive with the dds when he gets up at the weekend (usually lunch time)!

I know myy dh envies me being off in the day with dd2 (dd1 at school), and I guess in some ways it is more fun than being at work.

There are a couple of things I try and do.

1. make my days fun - visit friends (yes usually with kids) but at least I can feel this is me time. I've been to the cinema with dd2 and also exercise classes that have a free gym. If he thinks you're having a good time, go out and have it.

2. then if you're doing housework in the evenings, he can look after dd

But as others have said I don't do ironing and do MINIMAL housework

If you can be sympathetic about some of the time he needs (maybe he needs half an hour to wind down after work, 1/2 day at the weekend of HIS time) then you can ASK for things from him - some time for YOU, some help on specific tasks (oh baby is asleep shall we blitz the housework so we can All spend some thime together after ...)

You see I don't understand coming up with strategies to ensure that he has an hour with his DD without really noticing that it has happened.

If this was my DH I would tell him that he is being a lazy selfish git and that he needs to pull his act together. That we both need 'time to chill' and that I am categorically NOT his mother. Then I would spell out what my week is like, compared with his, and we would work out together what we were going to do to make things more equal. I would make sure it happened.

My DH is not a saint (nor am I) - if I let him get away with doing less then he will. But there is no sense in getting angry about it but not telling him. I sometimes think that people let their DH get away with this kind of thing because they secretly think he must be right. Because that is how we as women have been conditioned to think

He can and should be doing more. Agree completely with equal amounts of 'bum on sofa' time. All couples arrange things differently, and what works for one won't work for another, but I completely fail to see how one person should be entitled to 'chill out' because they have been working hard while the other runs around madly doing chores.

DH always did bath and bed time from as soon as DD had a bedtime while I made supper. Then he washes up while I tidy up vaguely. We both get to sit down and relax when all the jobs are done. I do more housework during the day now on my days at home (work pt), but when I was breastfeeding DD I did almost nothing else in the early days.

How you approach it will depend on what you think will work best. I always find a direct approach works best. Try asking him waht he thinks is a fair division of labour and why.

To be honest, I'm a WOHM and I am knackered. And I do take some me time at weekends but that's as far as it goes. Doesn't do nappies? Doesn't do bathtime? WTF is he doing if not that? It had better be chores like emptying the dishwasher (I know it isn't) or he's just having a laugh. Doesn't even go with you to visit his own family? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Do his fair share when you're at work? Where are you now? Fun-time? I should cocoa.