At which point does a relationship become 'abusive'?

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I'm wondering when it is that a relationship is so unhealthy that there's little choice but to leave. My (D)P is always undermining me, questioning my ability as a mother (I'm currently pregnant with our first child) & so on.

I've also realised that I don't know that he would never physically hurt me. I think I'm sure enough that he wouldn't to still be living with him at the moment, but should I be sure? Or is there always a risk in your mind?

When does it become something more than an argumentative relationship? What are the warning signs?

hard to give advice without specifics.
but abuse isn;t necessarily physical.

however you could be hormonal and he could be a whinger

need info

Domestic Violence websites list abusive behaviour, it's not all physical or even shouting etc.

Examples of abuse include:

■name-calling or putdowns
■keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
■withholding money
■stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
■actual or threatened physical harm
■sexual assault
■stalking
■intimidation

Okay... Well a couple of those are relevant.

He tries to tell me not to be friends with a couple of people in particular & when I tell him that he can't do that he gets really angry about it. People that he has no real reason to stop me from talking to, but he knows that I sometimes talk about our relationship to them & he doesn't like it.

He doesn't often call me names (although he's called me a bitch tonight, for example) but he is great at putdowns. In the last week he's told me that I'm inhuman but also suggested that I 'get rid of' our baby because I'm getting really depressed at the moment, partly because of this. He does love the baby, there's no doubt of that. But he says things like that deliberately to hurt me or whatever.

Those are just a couple of examples. Do they count?

he sounds very immature. to do need to have the 'lable' abuse to leave? if you dont like him - leave.

he cannot stop you from seeing people, but on the other hand, if you ere in his shoes and he was talking about the things you talk about ...how would you feel?

My goodness, yes they 'count'! Are you OK right now? Do you know what you want do do ie. leave etc? IME things esculate (sorry for spelling!) in such a way you barely question it, it isn't always snapping and seeing red overnight. It may start with small things and just build and build.

custardo I don't need a label, but I need to know if I need to fight harder. Whether this is just how it is in normal relationships sometimes, or whether it's not. I'm only 20 & I don't really know what it's meant to be like. Not really. I don't know whether I should be working on this relationship with everything I've got, or whether I should cut & run. It's not about a label, per se.

& I don't tell people the worst of it. I've already told you all more than I've told my best friends, because I don't want them to hate him. I tell them about minor things, but that's it. I would never begrudge him that support from friends. He still talks to his female best friend with whom he used to have regular sex & told me that he still has feelings for. I've never tried to stop that friendship because it's not my place.

LadyOf, I'm okay right now. We've had another huge argument tonight, but we're in separate rooms & there won't be another word spoken until tomorrow anyway. It's the escalation that worries me, though. I think that maybe if I start accepting things as normal that aren't that things that are really wrong will only seem slightly worse & not worth worrying about.

I don't want to have to be a single mother. It would be completely impossible in practical terms. We can only afford somewhere to live between us - we'd both be homeless & we're a long way from our respective families with uni courses here that we can't really leave. I don't want to give up & leave my baby in a broken family & have to deal with all the practical issues if this is normal. I don't know what it should be like, that's all.

i think you need to go to relate - the way you are acting towards each other is wrong, this you know.

you are not a different specied by virtue of you bing a partner.

can he treat his work collegues the way he treats you - can you treat the people you know the way you treat him?

communication is all key here me thinks

Without meaning to sound like I am saying you are immature, the relationship sounds immature. How old is your partner? Does he realise what he is doing? Is there any room you hink for change? You really cannot stay with someone because it's easier, god knows i've done that in the past and it came to blows. You can definatly bring up a child alone, and if your Ps behaviour is like this alot (aggressive/degrading) your child will be much happier in a single parent family.

Relate costs money that we don't have. & I don't know if he'd go. I think he'd think that I was being stupid suggesting it.

I would treat any of my friends in the way that I treat him. Sometimes I am hormonal or snappy, but I always apologise immediately for it & I'm never unkind, maybe just impatient. I'm not saying that I'm totally without blame, I'm not. Nobody ever is in a relationship. But I feel like it's disproportionately difficult.

Relate is free if you cannot afford it. And you can also go on your own. It might give you a clearer view if things, talking to someone face to face about this, even if it's by yourself.

He's 21. We're both very young, I know. We've only been living together for about 2 or 3 months, certainly since we found out I was pregnant, etc. I don't know whether this is just because we're adjusting to each other whilst under the stress of feeling that we need to make it work, or because it's never going to work.

I know that I could bring up our child alone & I will if I need to. The baby comes first, of course it does. But preferably the baby lives in a happy family with two parents as opposed to only one. I would like to make that happen if possible.

It is abusive. Ditch him before he really destroys your confidence.

No one should not be sure if their parter will assault them

You are already censoring his behaviour from your friends - why? Have a good think about it.

have a look here

FWIW a lot of domestic violence starts when a woman is pregnant. I know this sounds nuts but do not let money dictate whether you stay with someone who is horrid.

I did at your age. By the time i left i had had broken ribs and other injuries, spiralling debt, no self confidence lots of possessions destroyed and more hideous stuff i can still hardly bear to think of.

if you wanted resolution, you would find the money - i mean if its a choice between finding the money ( whichon a low income is naff all, and the rest is self declared they dont ask for wage slips and bankstatements) or breaking the relationship....

I might look into the Relate thing, then. I was under the impression that I'd have to pay. I'm really not sure that he'd come, but it might be useful for me. Thank you for the information

coolyour jets, maybe you should heed your name!

i think you just posed the EASIEST post considering the op.

fuck it - if you want to leave leave. you both sound hugely immature, and whilst he may be treating you with disrespect, its one side of the story.

of course he shouldnt treat you this way, but then life isn't all roses, and we all have off times.

maybe he is worried about having a baby? who knows.

leave leave run for your life - he will turn into a an axe murderer....flee....flee....

custardo I thought that it'd cost hundreds of pounds to possibly even get anywhere with it. I stand corrected. But if it's possible that the relationship's doomed anyway, I'm going to need every single penny I can get my hands on & won't be happy to have wasted huge sums on counselling. I will look into it now that I have more information.

hope you find some tips and a resolution at relate
good luck

custardo please don't be sarcastic at people who are trying to help. The reason I'm asking here is for different perspectives & I've acknowledged that maybe it is normal & just needs fighting for. That's why I'm asking here in the first place.

CoolYourJets I don't think that it'll get that bad for me. For a start off, I know - and he knows - that if he ever does hurt me that there'll be no excuses no matter what. & I really don't think that he would anyway. I'm not positive because he does have a temper & throws things around (not at me), etc. It does worry me, but obviously not to the point where I feel that I should remove myself from the situation, even though I am pregnant.

I don't tell my friends things because they're all really loyal & would bear grudges over things that he says. I want them to like him. & part of me is ashamed that I might be in a failing relationship with a baby on the way.

Would you be with him if you wenre't pregnant? Do not feel it should be leave or stay right now, just do not get trapped. Relationships do have to be worked at, DH and I got together much too quikcly and young and it's only really settling now into a proper 'adult' relationship. Iwas married and had DS1 at 19 and DH was 23 and aswell as being adults/parents, we were maturing at the same time and I guess doing all the things that people may do in young relationships - immature things like him leaving alot. I's so hard to know what to say, because my DH (and I) have matured now and I am glad we stuck it out, but I was with someone previous who was very abusive and I was only coaxed away by another abuser, so I may have still been there otherwise - waiting for it to get better. I really think relate sounds a good place to go right now, they will go through your Ps behaviour with you in depth and help you really assess it.

I don't know, to be honest. I think I would be, but things would be different. There'd be less pressure & we wouldn't even be living together right now. I do love him. I think that he loves me, underneath it all. He's not an awful person. He helps out around the flat & things. Practically he's fine, it's the emotional side of things that he doesn't seem to be able to deal with properly & I don't know if that'll ever change. I know that he's young & that it might take time, but I don't know how much time it'll take & how good it'll ever be. I'm having to take a lot on faith at the moment.

It's really good to hear that things can get better, though. That makes me feel a lot better in itself - there is hope, I guess. Thank you.

When did you meet him?. Does he work?. It all seems far too much and far too soon for both of you. And neither of you can really handle it because at heart this relationship is rocky.

Things don't always get better at all and the child becomes emotionally damaged as well by the fallout.

If your ability as a potential Mother is being questionned now it will not get better when your child is born. He is trying to control whom you see and that's not right at all - that is abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour can be emotional in nature as well and this type is particularly damaging.

You say you don't want your friends to hate him - why are you protecting him?. You are censoring his behaviour from your friends and you need to think why you are doing this. Maybe subconsciously you think that they are right in that they think he's no good for you and you're far too good for him. However you you can prove them wrong by showing your partner your love for him. Is this really what you think?. Love alone is not enough.

What do your parents and friends think of him?. Their opinions can be instructive.

You may want to fight to keep this relationship together but you and he are clearly not of the same mindset. I personally think you are on a hiding to nothing with this immature manchild and the name calling and not wanting you to speak to people to name but two of his current behaviours will escalate over time. Many cases of domestic violence as well also escalate when the woman is pregnant. It is a small step from throwing things around (another red flag) to throwing things at you. This is all about power and control.

Am sorry to say all this to you but you're old enough to know. Its better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Its also certainly not good to bring a child into this sort of environment. What will you both be teaching this poor innocent kid?.

I remember your last thread on this one - and the advice from there still stands.

your P needs to grow up quite a bit.

if you don't want to have the behaviour please do something about it - sooner rather than later - a baby adds pressure to a relationship so if it's not already strong iycwim......

v tough question here, and please don't feel i'm getting at you. or indeed that you ahve to answer it just have a long hard think about it.

do you really love him - a man who puts you down a lot, trys to controll you, and tell you who to see, or are you with him from habit - as in you don't want to be alone, and you might as well stay around no matter how he treats you.

sorry to sound harsh, but also think of it another way. If your DB is a little girl, imagine her in this position in 20 years - what would you say to her.

You're a smart woman. you know your own mind and what you're doing.

Is he still spending so much time on the computer?