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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At which point does a relationship become 'abusive'?

33 replies

TemporarilyChanged · 14/11/2008 00:51

I'm wondering when it is that a relationship is so unhealthy that there's little choice but to leave. My (D)P is always undermining me, questioning my ability as a mother (I'm currently pregnant with our first child) & so on.

I've also realised that I don't know that he would never physically hurt me. I think I'm sure enough that he wouldn't to still be living with him at the moment, but should I be sure? Or is there always a risk in your mind?

When does it become something more than an argumentative relationship? What are the warning signs?

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/11/2008 10:41

oh n re the councilling thing, i've said it before on there - in my area they have a thing called 'off the record' it's free they (or a body similar to them) may well talk to you both, I think relate is donations anyhow - but maybe wrong.

have you seen your uni councillor?

solidgoldbrass · 14/11/2008 10:41

I think you should look into finding separate places to live and say to him that you would prefer to ease off on your couple relationship for a bit. Given that you seem to have been kind of pushed into it by the unplanned PG - this may be the source of much of the problems between you.
Having a baby does not mean that you have to maintain an ill-suited couple relationship: you might well get on better and be able to treat each other with more kindess and civility once you start relating to each other as co-parents not partners.

There are, as others have said, worrying indicators of future abuse here )controlling your friendships, belittling you, throwing things) but maybe putting some distance between you and him will stop it getting any worse.

TemporarilyChanged · 14/11/2008 12:39

Atilla I met him about 18 months ago. We both go to uni in the same city - we've only just started, which is why it'd be difficult for either of us to move. We're both a long way from our families & have very little money.

I think that partly I do hope that if I keep trying at the relationship that it'll get better. I don't want to have to admit that I've got it all so horribly wrong. I made the decision to keep this baby & people will think that that's silly if I end up a single mother before it's even born. I know that that's not a real reason, but I'm embarrassed.

My parents & friends like him. They've never had any reason not to. He's generally a nice bloke - I really love being with him when he's on good form.

My main concern is the baby though, obviously. I want to do what's right by it. I don't want to destroy the chance of a happy family life with its father, but I also don't want to bring it into the world where daddy spends most of his time sulking in the bedroom.

Spandex He's not been so bad on the computer, but I was at my parents' house from Sunday - Wednesday night & he had all of that time to play on it as much as he wanted, so although it's not been so much of a problem it's not necessarily representative of the long-term. I do love him. But it is much easier to stay with him, & I suppose that that is a factor.

solidgold It would be virtually impossible to live separately, especially on anything but an permanent basis. We've paid the rent on our flat until March anyway, so would be out of pocket & we really can't afford to move. We're not entitled to any benefits at the moment because we're students & are therefore judged on our parents' income. As soon as the baby's born, we're classified as independent from them & will be in a better situation financially, I suppose.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 14/11/2008 13:02

"I don't want to destroy the chance of a happy family life with its father"

At the moment, there's no chance of that. This ain't going to be a happy family unless this guy changes his ways.

Have you actually sat down and spoken to him in a non-confrontational way, about how his behaviour makes you feel? Have you challenged him on calling you names and saying that you will be a bad mother? Have you asked him why he is saying these things and what he hopes to achieve by them? Have you told him straight that his behaviour is considered by experts to be on the abuse spectrum and asked him how he feels about that?

People can get into habits without realising it, unless they are brought up short.

If he tells you you are silly for gonig to Relate, ask him if he thinks that trying to work at a relationship is really such a silly thing to do? I'm constantly amazed by how resistant so many people are to the idea of improving their relationships and making themselves and their partners happy. If people can't even be arsed to do that, then what the hell are they in relationships for?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/11/2008 13:46

Hi TC

re your comments:-

"I think that partly I do hope that if I keep trying at the relationship that it'll get better. I don't want to have to admit that I've got it all so horribly wrong. I made the decision to keep this baby & people will think that that's silly if I end up a single mother before it's even born. I know that that's not a real reason, but I'm embarrassed".

I think your first sentence is a triumph of hope over experience. Relationships have to be worked on by both parties; he's seemingly not at all bothered at the way he's treating you, a non abusive person would not treat you in such a manner. You're in the wrong relationship and neither of you are suited to each other - don't compound the mistake further. You would not take verbal abuse from a friend so why is your man any different?. I have also seen what you've written about him up till now and he does not come across at all well.

"My parents & friends like him. They've never had any reason not to. He's generally a nice bloke - I really love being with him when he's on good form".

They probably don't tell you what they really think of him because you're blinded and probably won't listen to any reason. You've probably also told them hardly anything about him and certainly not about calling you abusive names.

How often is he really on good form?. I think you've only written that other sentence because you honestly cannot think of anything nice to say about him.

"My main concern is the baby though, obviously. I want to do what's right by it. I don't want to destroy the chance of a happy family life with its father, but I also don't want to bring it into the world where daddy spends most of his time sulking in the bedroom".

Sulking in the bedroom makes him sound like a petulent teen. He is truly an immature manchild. You're being dragged down by him now because you're putting up with all his nonsense he comes out with out of fear, a sense of shame and embarrassment (also misplaced). Do you honestly think he will change when his child is born; he'll likely accuse you of not being able to care for him/her properly. You'll be the one bringing up this child mainly alone as he won't tear himself away from his precious computer, uni course or friends. His life will likely carry on pretty much as before.

If you think you'll somehow get a happy family life with this man you are sadly mistaken because he will not change for you, your unborn child or infact anyone else. Staying with him because its somehow "easier" will do you and your unborn one no favours at all in the longer term.

How will you keep up your course once the baby is born?. Have you spoken to the University counsellors?. At the very least you should be doing this now and finding out where you stand.

solidgoldbrass · 14/11/2008 18:36

Wise words from (I think) Mariella Frostrup that are often quoted on here: 'there is nothing more demoralising than trying to make someone love you.' No matter how hard you 'work' at a relationship, it won't make any difference if he is Not That INto You. He doesn;t sound very bothered about you. TBH if not for your PG you would probably (well hopefully) already have told him to get lost: it's really not a good idea to think that you have to stay with an unsuitable or unpleasant partner just because you are having a baby.

LittleBella · 15/11/2008 14:17

Agree with SGB

Don't fall for the widespread assumption that a child growing up in a household where both parents live together, however unhappy, disrespectful and unpleasant to each other, is somehow in a better situation and being given a better start in life, than a child who is growing up in a happy single parent household. It's not true, however deep-seated the assumption.

Alambil · 15/11/2008 20:59

I was with a man that "just" called me the odd name and told me a few friends he'd rather me not contact.

I was with a man that got me pregnant, married him in fact.

I was with a man that when the baby was 6 months old tried to throw me out of a moving car (at 80 miles an hour) because he was in a mood.

I left that man.

Since then, I've gone to uni, got a degree, got a council house after being in temporary accommodation and now I'm doing a post-grad teacher training course.

Life does not end on your own. A child need not suffer with just a mum.

Not saying leave. Not saying stay - just saying my story.

It starts insidiously; you aren't sure if it's normal or not until it really escalates and that takes time

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