Why am I so introverted? I hate this!

[Pawslikepaddington]

Have been invited on a date. An old friend (that I have no feelings for whatsoever) popped round last week and things got a bit steamy (I had wine and so let him kiss me ), he asked me out on a date, I said yes and got really excited, then he came round last night for a cup of tea and nothing. I do not fancy him at all, cringed inwardly when he kissed me, am just not interested in the slightest. The problem is this happens with almost every single man I meet. I cannot get interested in them, and the ones I do rather fancy are happily settled (so I don't fancy them, just admire them from afar) or are not interested as I have dd (I am in the 20's age bracket). I have now been single for 5 years, I think I am getting too picky! No one does it for me though, or at least no one who does it to me IYSWIM. How can I change my perception on this?

Do you think maybe you're just not ready for a relationship? I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be in relationships because that's what everyone else does when in fact sometimes it's not a priority for you. I'm in a relationship now but often used to feel like you describe when I was single. I've got single mum friends who don't want to meet anyone because they're too focussed on their DCs.

Hi PawsLP. have you ever had a long term relationship? Or even a short term one come to that. Any relationship at all?

I'm the same, I pick problems in every man I meet...make up stupdi excuses not to like them:

"Couldn't possibly get on with him, he's too into cars"

"Will skip that one, he's too young"

"He goes out drinking too much"

"he has too many friends" (!!!)

I don't know what it is. I feel like there will be one man out there for me and due to disatrous previous relationships, I'm determined to hold out for him.

Perhaps you are attracted to the ones you know you can't have and that leads me to think perhaps you don't want to 'want' somebody yet... you know 'not ready' IYSWIM.

To be honest, I know just how you feel. I thought like that for the longest time but eventually I thought perhaps I was just hoping for that instant 'click' which to be honest is just a lust physical thing (some say chemistry but I don't believe that).

To get to fancy someone on a healthy level is to get to know someone. They might not look your typical turn-on, but as you get to know them, see how they deal with things, watch their 'inner nature' come out, you start to feel different and get turned on at a level that has something to substantiate it, (rather just horniness or drunken lusting).

I met my present guy and wasn't attracted to him at all in the begining, we met a few times, talked a lot, I got to see him 'performing in everyday things'. Saw him on a deeper level.. now I just adore him and we have the best physical side to our relationship that I have ever had, he really turns me on. But it wasn't instant... I gave it a good chance. I got to know him and saw the sexy little things he does, started to melt towards him (or he melted me). Now all he has to do is just look at me from across the room and I go to slosh. I never would have felt like that at first. I always looked for instant attraction but its not healthy to do that. Give a person time.

Thanks Kally, that has really inspired me.

I think I got worried because he said some very "young" things, and I am so much older than my peers as I have been bringing up dd on my own for so long that I instantly dismissed him. I was stuck in three very bad long term relationships as I thought they would change with time or through love, and so seem to have become very pig-headed in thinking every flaw cannot be changed, and so anything that irritates me now will be a thousand times worse in a year, so why bother wasting that year? I was getting very sad every time I saw dd's friend's parents together, so thought it was time to get out there and give it a go, but maybe I am not ready. I just don't want to be like my mum-she was single for the last 25 years of her life (from having me to when she died) as she had the same "picky" tendancies as I do.

I know what you mean Paws. I'm quite picky too and have often ended up dumping really nice blokes for odd reasons. I do think it's good to be picky though. No point in sticking in things if they're not right. Kally's right that you have to give things a chance to grow but I also think you should trust your instincts and don't waste time with someone who's p*ssing you off...however silly the reason might be.

I can imagine a lot of your peers must seem young to you if you've been bringing up DD alone. Having children totally changes your perspective. Doing it on your own in your twenties must make you grow up extra fast. It sounds like a you're a strong and together young woman who just needs to meet a strong, lovely, mature man (sadly they're few and far between !). Try not to worry too much. You just haven't met your match yet. It'll happen.

Oh Rosa you are fab-that's just what mum would have said . It was just comments like "I'm really clean and tidy-I cleaned the WHOLE kitchen work surface the other day, and someone messed it up by spilling curry on it a few days later-I won't be doing THAT again!" and telling me stories about his friend dry-humping a 17 year old-is this bravado? He also sent a text saying "is the child in bed? They are such pains in the arse aren't they" Is this what I have to put up with every time I meet someone? . I think I'll go to the cinema and then cut my losses-I'm not MEGA picky, I just want someone that takes their shoes off when the come in the house, doesn't smoke as I can't stand the smell (and kissing them, eurgh!) and doesn't tell me about his housemate's escapades like they are the most hilarious thing on the planet. Oh god, I'm doomed! .

You are not doomed. You are completely in the right and why on earth would you go out with an irritating child? Wait until you meet someone you genuinely like, which you will.

Paws I was married for 26 years and altho you think you don't want to take on traites you've already dealt with in the past, or you see something and you say 'oh shit, he's like that as well'... don't get put off by it. Some men have similar qualities that you dislike but that doesn't mean they are 'set'. The guy I am with right now has made a definite effort to change things that have disturbed me, he is mallable, unlike my ex. even if they show these traits you dislike and are 'mark-down' points you don't know how they will react if you try to communicate about them. Maybe they will be more flexible and accomodating.

Just thinking of an incident where DP first got up outta bed after a good lovin and went down stairs, not to return. (EH used to do that, like a getaway after he's gotten what he wanted, which I think is rude and distasteful) and after about an hour of brooding over this I turned round and thought, thats it, he's OUT! I gave him a CD as a parting gift and told him I think this will be the last time we get together. He was gob smacked and had no idea what I was upset about. After I spilled the history and what that meant to me, he quietly sat and talked to me and told me that it was insensitive of him and he was not thinking. He admitted his fault which he has changed and has discovered the benefits of changing. Same with me. We talk a lot and communicate and share feelings and he alters his behaviour - and so do I.

Don't paint them all the same colour. 'If he's this, then that means that...' But it takes time to find the level of change/flexibility in each person. Give a chance and get to know a person. With that comes the deeper stuff.

And until then I have yoghurt covered raisins, chocolate and wine! . I'm not a bad catch, I have my own teeth and house, so I can hold out for another 5 years, or longer . I just worry as all my married friends have such wonderful relationships, but if ever we take the dc's out, i.e. dd and her friend, and just me and the friend's dad, the dad turns in to a PITA, and so I worry about my friend's having horrid times at home behind closed doors etc and hope they are not lonely and sad, and I don't want that either!

Aw Kally, my hopes are up again now

But the guy you describe sounds a jerk, I meant in general... on the whole about guys/relationships...

It won't take 5 years and you're not doomed! I would have run a mile from a bloke who said the things your date said too (but then it doesn't take much to make me run a mile!).

Don't worry about your mates and their DPs (unless they're asking for your help). Just focus on you and your DD.

Have you thought about meeting new people if the blokes in your circle of friends are all too immature? I'm not going to suggest anything cliched like taking up an art class and I know it's difficult to take up new activities when you've got a DD to look after on your own but it might be good to branch out and meet new people somehow. I'm sure there's someone out there who won't they deserve a medal for cleaning the kitchen or that kids are a pain (). And don't settle (Sorry, sounds like I'm really contradicting Kally here and I'm not...I take on board what she's saying about giving things a chance). If he makes you cringe when he kisses you and he annoys you with his tales of laddish escapades then don't waste any more time on him.

Don't sell yourself short whatever you do!

Not about this guy-this guy is dead in the water, but I really want to see this film . There are a few more about though, nice, apparently sensible, single guys, and I DO like them, maybe it is worth breaking the ice and maybe letting them know I like them, I am a grown up after all .....

I also see friends around that look as if they have it made, then you discover they are no longer sleeping in the same room, or he's got a bit on the side, or she's messing about with the boss... I know, I know. But not all...

For me, if I settle with MrPresentGuy, it will be second and last time I hope, but I am still making comparisons, getting over fences from past experiences, all the time, partly I dismiss, partly I take on board. EH was a total arse and even worse after we split, but instead of resenting I get it out with him and discuss. I have changed too because you have to. But I get scared, scared I'll be eating the same raw shit I ate with EH because I ignored signs or traits.

Thing to do is try, but just keep a bit of yourself protected always, for self preservation. Don't get dispondent.

Do it! You don't need to make a big play for them or anything. Just be friendly and let them know that you like them and see what happens. You might get a pleasant surprise .

Can't you go and see the film on your own or with a mate...don't go on a date with a loser just because you want to see a film. I've done that kind of thing before and a) it always makes you feel a bit bad about yourself and b) it's not really fair to the loser bloke.

I live in a family section of a university campus, so the people are very varied-some are in their 40's, some early 20's (none younger than 21), and I am acquainted with most, it is just taking that extra step as this place is such a fishbowl, and this guy didn't live in campus so I thought he was a safer bet. Have decided it is worth the risk though-I will stop looking at a certain semi-young man's window in desperation that he has some snicker of feeling for me and our eyes will lock at 8.20 in the morning while I am rushing on the school run and will instead ask him on a date! Hm! And if he says no I never spoke to him anyway, so it is just one window not to stare at as I walk past! Am so glad they are idiotic comments-I rarely speak to the other students, as my friends are dd's friend's parent's, so am not "tuned in" to what is normal and not normal man-speak!

Oh, this guy being loser man, window guy being nice man!

No RamblingRose I was not saying 'settle for what you can' no no noway. I meant don't think everytime you meet someone and they don't make all the fireworks go off instantly, that they are dismissable. Maybe once you get to know them a bit deeper they will grow on you.

Didn't mean to sound as if she should make the guy she was referring to, a possibility, he does sound an immature wally, and I wouldn't even have let him kiss me. (she did ).. Just meant - get to know them without expecting the big old hot lust thing to go bling bling...

I've already set the date up-it is tomorrow and it feels a bit late to back out. I let him have tea and trample mud all over my carpet, so will go to the film as retribution (I have to pay for myself too, sigh!)

I can't remember the last time I had big old hot lust [grin!

Perhaps an guy who is a bit older would fall into place a bit better. Other one sounds a bit immature.

Thank you all. I think maybe limit myself to men who have experience of running their own home

Ah ha! That explains it! I was thinking that the bloke you described sounded really young and like the kind of blokes I knew when I was at university. Sadly, a lot of blokes you meet at uni will be really young compared to you. Loads of them will be living away from home for the first time and acting like big kids who've just discovered booze for the first time (obviously huge generalisation and there are loads of blokes who aren't like that but you know what I mean ). I imagine you're in a really different place as a mature student and as a mum. Having my DD has made me grow up so much (I thought I was pretty grown up already!). I imagine being a single mum makes you grow up even more.

Basically what I'm saying is that I'm not surprised you feel like all the blokes you meet are a bit immature because they probably are!

On the plus side, uni is a brilliant place for meeting people. Maybe try to meet a few more people at uni other than the people in your halls or on your course. Can you sign up to another course like a free language course or something? Or the film club if you like the cinema.

Good luck with lurking outside your campus boy's window .

BTW, don't make the mistake that I did of thinking that the lecturers would be a more interesting, mature bet !

I have been looking at lecturers like that actually . The students are mainly late 20's here as it is a large PhD population, but (I didn't even think this!) they will never have lived outside university, so will still be 18 really won't they. Damn. May put myself on my friend's waiting lists of any men they know that have been cut adrift of marriages within their circles , but even then it's not a good idea!