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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some perspective please - dh problems

42 replies

gremlindolphin · 12/11/2008 10:13

I have been married for 10 years and have two dcs. From the outside we have everything, dcs, friends and family, nice house etc but the hidden side is that my husband has incredible mood swings. MOST of the time he is genuinely lovely and then something changes and he is not.

This has been going on for a long time now and I just go with it as I can't actually see what to do?

When he is miserable it is all directed at me he calls me lazy, selfish, and stupid and constantly moans to me about money (although he isn't interested in looking at how much anything costs) how untidy our house is (we have two active dcs but it gets tidied every evening although he never helps).

I now produce a spreadsheet every month to show him exactly what I spend money on but this morning this was screwed up and put in the bin. He has then gone to work with my car keys and has disabled my car in case I find my spare key!

I work part time and have another small computer based job as well, I am very involved with school (state) and have an elderly mother (who he is not supportive about either) so on top of looking after dcs and dog, I don't really think I am lazy. I am not particularly into clothes or shoes so don't spend much money on myself anyway.

I do appreciate him working and I know that its stressful sometimes.

We have friends who we see at the weekends but if I do anything with other people like have coffee in the week or dog walk with people, in his book that counts as "socialising" which is not productive as he has to go to work and is an indication of me doing what I like and being selfish.

When he came home last night I was doing homework with the dcs and he swept all their work off the table because he needed to work on it and then threw his briefcase at me.

When he is like this I can't talk to him about anything and when he is fine, I either don't talk to him in case it sets him off again or else he just says he's sorry.

Reading this just sounds pathetic but I have lost perspective as to what's normal, what should I expect, what am I doing wrong and what to do about it?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/11/2008 10:16

i would leave
how dare he treat you and your children like that

Dropdeadfred · 12/11/2008 10:17

get help - you can't live like this and nor should you dcs

bobblehat · 12/11/2008 10:19

This is not normal. I may be reading more into this, but it's a small step from this to hitting you.

Has it got worse recently? Could he be depressed? It needs to get sorted, fast

MmeLindt · 12/11/2008 10:20

Most of the time he is genuinely lovely?

The rest of the time he is an abusive, nasty bully.

Please do not tolerate this any longer. It is not acceptable.

CaptainKarvol · 12/11/2008 10:22

That is not normal.

You should expect better - respect, support, kindness, partnership, love.

You are not doing anything wrong.

He is being a bullying git.

Original poster
gremlindolphin · 12/11/2008 10:23

Thanks for your reponses.

Bobblehat, tt probably has got worse over time. I think it started once dc 1 was born.

I am quite laid back anyway and I just never expect anyone to behave like this.

I don't want to leave I just want it to change and to help him but I can't work out how.

OP posts:
Kally · 12/11/2008 10:26

Wow, wouldn't let anyone throw anything at me (especially infront of the kids!)... and they were doing their homework... imagine what they think of their homework if dear daddy sweeps it aside. Bad role model even if he is nice most of the time.

What is the point of him being nice most of the time if even when he is nice you can't talk to him. That means he is controlling you 100% of the time.

Taking your mobility away? Control issues going on here...

And as for the spreadsheet,... c'mon you must be desperately unhappy most of the time.. is all the material security worth your emotional stability, either you lay down some new bounderies and make him realise he can't zoom up and down like that on the mood front, get him to go and get some therapy or think about a big change.

Littlefish · 12/11/2008 10:26

Gremlindolphin - this is emotional abuse and is escalating (the throwing his briefcase thing).

It is absolutely unacceptable. You are minimising it by saying "most of the time he is genuinely lovely".

He is trying to control you. "He has then gone to work with my car keys and has disabled my car in case I find my spare key!" This is extremely worrying to me.

Please phone Womens Aid and get some advice from them.

Littlefish · 12/11/2008 10:27

Womens Aid

MrsTittleMouse · 12/11/2008 10:27

That isn't normal. If he's lovely most of the time then it sounds as though he has a real problem. When he is in a "being lovely" state, would he go to the GP to discuss it?

nailpolish · 12/11/2008 10:28

you cant change him alone
you need help to do that, if it is possible at all, which i doubt
maybe you dont want to leave, but ar your children happy? they have no choice do they whether to stay or go

tiktok · 12/11/2008 10:31

It doesn't sound pathetic at all, and there is no justification for this behaviour (apart from mental illness) so you are not doing anything wrong. You ask what to expect....well, it's consideration and respect for you and the children all the time, even if you have a row or disagreement.

Taking your car keys is nasty and vindictive, and sweeping work off the table is bullying and aggressive - putting up with this behaviour is a terrible example to your dcs, too.

He's unkind and unpleasant. This may not be all he is - you say he has times when he is ok, but you cannot talk to him about his behaviour because you are scared he will become angry. So impasse.

It is possible he is depressed, bi-polar or otherwise mentally ill. In that case, he has a responsibility to see medical help.

Littlefish · 12/11/2008 10:33

Very good post tiktok.

Original poster
gremlindolphin · 12/11/2008 10:34

I'm sitting here crying because you are all saying what I kind of know but it makes me really sad.

Although I don't like it when he is disrespectful to me in front of the children he is always nice to them what ever mood he is in (homework on table issue excepted) and they adore him.

I feel like a failure, the rest of my life works quite nicely.

He is very charming, with the exception on my best friend I don't think any one would believe me.

He did go to the Drs a couple of years ago because I begged him to and he took antidepressants for a while but all it did was reduce the frequency of the incidents but increase the intensity. I think we then went through a good patch and then it hasn't been mentioned since.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 12/11/2008 10:35

You are not a failure, he has systematically demolished your selfesteem.

You need to get help.

Littlefish · 12/11/2008 10:38

gremlin - is he still taking the AD's?

Could you go and see your GP and talk about this with her/him?

Would your dh go back and see the GP again.

The ADs last time may not have been the right ones for him. There are other sorts which may be more effective.

Even if he is nice to your dcs, if he is disrespectful to you in front of them, they will be learning that that is how to solve problems, get your own way or have a relationship. I'm sure that's not how you want them to sustain relationships in the future.

Original poster
gremlindolphin · 12/11/2008 10:41

Littlefish, no he is not taking them at the moment.

I hadn't thought about going to see the Dr myself.

OP posts:
shitehawk · 12/11/2008 10:42

You are doing nothing wrong. He's a jealous, bullying, control freak, who behaves this way because you let him.

He is not nice to the children. You might think they don't see or understand what he is doing to you, but believe me, they do. They see it all, they take it in. Even if they are not in the room at the time, the effect it has on you will also effect them. Taking your car keys effects them. Limiting your money or your contact with other people effects them.

Call Women's Aid. They can help - and you do need help.

MrsMattie · 12/11/2008 10:43

Have only skimmed thread - apologies - but he sounds quite seriously abusive to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/11/2008 10:57

gremlindolphin

Re your comment:-

"I don't want to leave I just want it to change and to help him but I can't work out how".

You perhaps as well don't want to leave because you're afraid of being on your own. Better to walk alone than to be badly accompanied/.I sincerely hope you don't think the above now because if you do you're just condemning yourself further to a life of misery.

Your foundations of a happy family are built on sand. This is not a happy family environment at all for anyone; least of you you and the children.

Also this situation is not just about you, your children are witness to all this crap as well and both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them. If you have sons they will learn how to act like thier dad and if you have daughters they could well go onto pick a partner just like this for their own selves. You do not want to leave them this damaging legacy and as adults they likely will not thank you for staying with him.

He is certainly not being nice to the children because he is being abusive to you. You need also to stop minimising the effects all this is having on you; many people have stress and do not act abusively towards their wives or husbands.

You are being controlled to the nth degree here; look at what he's done to your car, he's also taken your mobile away and dislikes you seeing your friends. This is all controlling abusive behaviour. Many of these people as well are highly plausible to the outside world.

"Why does he do that?" is written by Lundy Bancroft. He writes at considerable length about these types of controlling men.

You can make your life better but you need to be brave and call Womens Aid to begin with. They can help you; the help is there. You need to regain perspective.

Here's another thought - if someone else was writing this what would you advise?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/11/2008 10:59

You cannot either help someone who ultimately does not want to be helped. This is the way he is; he is responsible solely for his own issues. You cannot make him address those, nor should you try.

In such situations you can only help your own self. You are only responsible for your own self and any children you have.

Quadrophenia · 12/11/2008 11:02

your post could have been written by me, I have just left my dp of 10 years for pretty much the same kind of treatment. I really hope you find the strength to do so too.

Niecie · 12/11/2008 11:03

You poor thing - you aren't a failure at all, never think that. He is eroding your confidence and chipping away at your self esteem with his behaviour.

He sounds like he is totally manipulative and controlling and it sounds like he is getting worse - you say he is nice to the children but even they aren't immune after the homework incident.

If you think he might be depressed then he has to see a doctor. If he won't then I think you seriously need to think about whether you can stay with this man. I wonder how close he is getting to physically hurting you quite badly if he has started throwing things at you. Even if it stays emotional abuse your children shouldn't be growing up in this atmosphere and I don't think it will be long before he starts on them, especially as they get older and start answering back.

yellowflowers · 12/11/2008 11:29

Hi,

Even with nothing else the taking the car keys and disabling car is enough in itself for you to leave. You should not be a prisoner in your own home and it shows he doesn't trust what you might be up to.

Thinking of you. x

BEAUTlFUL · 12/11/2008 11:37

bloody hell. Could he be suffering from mental illness? Really? Like manic depression, or bipolar personality disorder? If he literally flips from lovely/normal to this kind of extreme behaviour, do you think it could be an illness?

What sets him off? What happened before to end the "good period" and begin this awful period?

I feel very sorry for you, it must be frightening and isolating. I would take the kids away if you can, and tell him that you don't want the marriage to end but he must seek help before you'll come back.

Your use of the word "charming" rings alarm bells, as it's one of the words most often used about perpetrators of domestic violence. Have you read "The Charm syndrome"? That's excellent.

It sounds so extreme, my first thought is he is seriously ill. But I don't know. what sparks him off? Think back, is anything sparking it, from full moons (!), to holidays, your going away... Any pattern?

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