Some perspective please - dh problems

[gremlindolphin]

I have been married for 10 years and have two dcs. From the outside we have everything, dcs, friends and family, nice house etc but the hidden side is that my husband has incredible mood swings. MOST of the time he is genuinely lovely and then something changes and he is not.

This has been going on for a long time now and I just go with it as I can't actually see what to do?

When he is miserable it is all directed at me he calls me lazy, selfish, and stupid and constantly moans to me about money (although he isn't interested in looking at how much anything costs) how untidy our house is (we have two active dcs but it gets tidied every evening although he never helps).

I now produce a spreadsheet every month to show him exactly what I spend money on but this morning this was screwed up and put in the bin. He has then gone to work with my car keys and has disabled my car in case I find my spare key!

I work part time and have another small computer based job as well, I am very involved with school (state) and have an elderly mother (who he is not supportive about either) so on top of looking after dcs and dog, I don't really think I am lazy. I am not particularly into clothes or shoes so don't spend much money on myself anyway.

I do appreciate him working and I know that its stressful sometimes.

We have friends who we see at the weekends but if I do anything with other people like have coffee in the week or dog walk with people, in his book that counts as "socialising" which is not productive as he has to go to work and is an indication of me doing what I like and being selfish.

When he came home last night I was doing homework with the dcs and he swept all their work off the table because he needed to work on it and then threw his briefcase at me.

When he is like this I can't talk to him about anything and when he is fine, I either don't talk to him in case it sets him off again or else he just says he's sorry.

Reading this just sounds pathetic but I have lost perspective as to what's normal, what should I expect, what am I doing wrong and what to do about it?

Any thoughts?

What would happen if you told your h that you went out and had coffee, and you enjoyed it? Do you fear his reaction? You are perfectly entitiled to recreation, even prisoners get time to have a coffee.

His behaviour sounds unbearable to me. Please don't let him treat you like this.

Good lord. This is emotional abuse. It sounds like you are terrified of him. You cannot tolerate this any longer, keeping you a prisoner in your own home is obscene. Get help and get it now before he damages your self esteem any further and before your DC's are damaged by his shitty behavior too. If you have never spoken to him about this before he may not be able to see how he is hurting you. You need to talk to him about this really.
If you have someone you can turn to like a good friend or relative ie. someone who will support you if you leave him then confront him about his appalling behavoir. If he turns nasty or violent and out of control take the kids and leave, if not for good then for a short time whilst you work things out. Your kids do not deserve to be in an environment like this.
I am so sorry for you and all this is probably easier said than done. However if you don't take some sort of action now who knows what this could turn into. Just the fact that you have posted on here shows to me that you are ready to do something about it and are seeking advice. Good luck and keep us posted.

Does he hate his job and feel resentful that you can sometimes do things during the day that he cant?

Can you talk to him about his controlling behaviour when he is in his "better" mood.
You say you dont want to leave, you want to help him change, but this wont be possible if he doesnt want to change or doesnt see that his behaviour is seriously out of order.

You are all so sensible thank you!

Just to clarify, I am not exactly a prisoner in my own home as I can walk to school, shops, friends etc, it is just a way of making things difficult for me.

Yes unavailable, he does get stressed about his job but when we have talked about it he says that he basically likes it. He wouldn't want to be home with the children all the time and although he denies it I do think he is resentful of me being here and being happy but I think he should be pleased that I have managed to get my work/life balance at the moment. To be honest we are very lucky that my employer is so flexible.

Also we both wanted the children! My youngest dc is only at school mornings at the moment so it would be difficult for me to work much more anyway.

Pigleto, if I tell him I have been to someone's for coffee, I am not actually fearful of his reaction but I know what it will be and I don't like it. I know that he will get cross, call me lazy and selfish and find things around the house that I should have been doing if I wasn't "socialising".

Beautiful, ANYTHING can set him off! From dust, school bags, me saying I enjoyed something, me mentioning my Mum etc! He is worse when he's tired and he doesn't get to sleep easily (I do - another trigger sometimes).

I have looked for correlations with moon phases, my menstrual cycle etc but it seems to be random.

He sounds awful, and it sounds like you are taking it all on yourself. 'Your menstrual cycle???? What has that got to do with anything (do you mean you are more sensitive at this time therefore more prone??) - sorry don't get it. Gets uptight about DUST??? Excuse me for asking but where is he from?

Gremlin - what would he do if you asked him to leave? Would he go off into one, or would he think about what he was losing?
I think you are walking on eggshells. Trying to be all things, all the time, is never going to be enough. You will never be able to do enough. It will escalate.

he is controlling you when he is being nasty and he is controlling you when he is being "charming" as you are too scared to speak out for fear he will turn nasty.
He won't change as by being there and accepting his apologies and keeping the peace you are letting him carry on and giving him the control.
My dad controlled our house in this way and i dreaded him coming home from work and having to see what mood he was in. When i was good for him it wasn't cos i loved and respected him, it was because i was scared of him. he would sweep my things off the table and turn the tv off mid programme and say it was his table/tv and it made me feel worthless as a child.
he progressed to punching doors and finally threatened to punch my mom if she didn't shut up and she still stayed so i walked out at 17, not forever but it made my mom finally realise that staying for me wasn't what i wanted. and she left him.
sorry this is so long but i want you to realise that staying and keeping up appearances is destructive for you and your kids.
please leave.

"Beautiful, ANYTHING can set him off! From dust, school bags, me saying I enjoyed something, me mentioning my Mum etc! He is worse when he's tired and he doesn't get to sleep easily (I do - another trigger sometimes).

I have looked for correlations with moon phases, my menstrual cycle etc but it seems to be random".

gremlindolphin,

You said so yourself, anything sets him off.
It certainly has nothing to do with anything like moon phases and the like.

The house, kids, you could be perfect and shiny and it still would not be "good" enough for him. Controlling behaviours often arise out of deep seated anxiety/insecurity and I would think in his case these are long standing lessons from childhood. You cannot fix him nor should you try to. You can only save yourself and your children here.

He has the issues; by being there with such a man you are choosing to enable this by letting it continue. He's doing the usual behaviours that controlling men do - you need to see him for what he really is - a controlling bully.

What's in this relationship for you exactly?.

Its a really bad atmosphere for your children to be in as well; they are likely to be scared witless of him and perhaps only tolerate him because you do, after all they want to see their Mum happy. They must have been terrified when their homework got thrown off the table. And what did you do when that happened?. That was not answered by you - presumably you tried once again to pour oil over troubled waters.

This is a form of abuse and I recognise much of it from my own relationship. I understand totally the feelings of frustration and powerlessness when it is directed at you and also your not wanting to say anything which may bring it back on when things are calm. It is a cycle you are locked into and you need to get your head around it!

Please do read up on emotional abuse and get hold of the Lundy Bancroft book. Go to see a counsellor on your own, it will help you get perspective on what is right and wrong in a relationship, all relationships are different and rarely perfect but some behaviour is particularly unhelpful and cruel. And do as much as you can from a practical perspective to see what options you have, it will empower you and help you to see firstly that you are not responsible for his behaviour and secondly that there is a path out of it. That may well involve leaving him but first I think you need to have a clearer view of the dynamics at work in your relationship and get your head around the term 'abuse'.

gremlindolphin, I have a copy of the "Charm Syndrome" book if you'd like it -- can you CAT me?

imagine sitting in a room with a stranger and telling them this.

imagine it....

its not normal.

go to relate - they don't fix things but somehow saying these things in front of other people makes THEM see that its unacceptable. and makes YOU see that its not normal.

you realise this becuase the pair of you will be embarrassed to talk about these things. you're not embarrassed to talk about normal things.

I tried to CAT you but couldn't. I have it here, you can have it. A present.

and if you disabled his car?

hid the key
let the tyres down

then what?

why can't you do it

but he can

As pointed out, his behaviour is not normal. Can you encourage him to seek help by saying that "we have a problem. Our relationship is broken. How did we get here? What happened to our dream..." Revisit the happy days and say that you both have to seek help to get them back. Don't attribute blame. I think you need to do this before you break off. You owe this to yourself because I have the impression that you really want it to work. But you cannot live in an abusive situation. But give him a real chance to help himself but tell him that you will not go back to a broken/unhappy relationship.

Gremlin, realistically, how often is this happening? Because you say he's lovely 'most' of the time, but from what you've posted, the bad stuff seems to be either happening regularly or hanging over you as a threat almost constantly. How many days in the last month, or 2 months, has he been like this at some point? Can you count back and think?

If it was a couple of days each month, then it might be genuinely a product of stress that could be worked on (though still an unacceptable way. But if it's more than that, then something serious is going on and it's affecting the way he is a lot of the time. You are doing yourself and your DCs no favours by letting that ride. There's lots of good advice here about Relate, Women's Aid etc. Please don't let this continue without doing something to address it. Best of luck.

Have not read the rest of the thread, did not need to read further than the sweeping of the dc's homework off the table.

That would be it for me, relationship over.

He is a total nob who does not deserve to be a father.

it's a horrible thing to realise that your relationship has slowly become an abusive situation... it's hard, when it's a drip drip drip type of situation, to have a clear perspective on the normality on such behaviour. over time the goalposts move and you begin to put up with behaviour and treatment you would never have believed would happen to you. this is normal in an abusive situation and doesn't reflect badly upon you in any way. you have tried to think positively about him and given him the benefit of the doubt on many occasions but things have obviously continued to escalate.

firstly, you need to keep talking about it in an honest fashion and stop hiding it. that in itself is the most powerful instigation of change. people like your DH rely on secrecy and shame (your shame of people knowing what's really happening) in order to feel 'in control'.

at the moment you are giving him the power to treat you (and your children) like this and the end result is guaranteed to be bad if it continues in this vein.

it's time to put embarrassment aside and put responsibility for this where it belongs- at his feet.

there is NO SHAME in being in your position.

if he's unwilling to make changes (radical changes) and seek professional help (necessary in this situation i think), you would do well to split from your husband before your DC are permanently affected by his behaviour towards you.