Sorry this is so long. It's a sort of brain dump I think...
DH's parents split when he was 4, his sisters were 3 and 6. FIL just walked out and the next 10 yrs or so was completely erratic and unreliable in his contact with the children. MIL lied to the children, saying daddy was working away. Didn't help when FIL came back for the odd weekend and slept in the marital bed . MIL still hoped he would come back for good. After 10 yrs FIL found another woman, and settled down with her. At which point he magically became available for his children but they had to come to terms with the fact that he actually wasn't coming back. Anyway the final result is 3 fed up kids who are still fed up to a greater or lesser extent today. DH being no exception. Perhaps worse for him as he was a boy and needed his dad even more?
DH and I have been together for years and years. I am expecting my long-service medal any day now. When we first together we were emotionally very close, very supportive. We spent time doing things apart but emotionally we were an unbreakable unit. That continued for many years. Then FIL got sick. Cancer. He recovered. Then 3 yrs later he got sick again and this time it was terminal. At the time DH was half-way through a BEd for which we were both making a lot of financial sacrifices. DH basically went off the rails. I never knew were he was. He missed lectures and tutorials. He was working at the weekends and in the holidays ? he began to go to the pub after work and not come back for days. I fell pregnant with baby #1. DH got a grip was very excited about the baby. 6 months later FIL died and all the crap started again. When DS was born DH came back to me briefly but after a few months he was back to being unreliable, irritable, tearful - grieving. Basically I was more or less single for about 18m. Emotionally and for all practical purposes. I did my best to support him but I was working full-time and pregnant, then had a new baby to look after. So I admit I might not have been all that patient.. My heart broke for him but I was coping with all kinds of hassles, money worries, new baby, back to work full-time. Meanwhile DH had graduated with a 2:2 instead of the first he had been told to expect in his second year. And didn't go into teaching. He had counselling and took prozac for a period. He swore it didn't help. I could see it did. But he stopped both. Later he admitted that he didn't want to stop grieving, he didn't want to change, as he felt it was dismissing his father.
We've spoken about all this many times. I have told him I felt abandoned. He told me that he felt I didn't care. We've both explained and apologised. In theory it's all behind us. But I can't help the horrible creeping realisation the it isn't. From his POV. Time and time again he rejects any demands for emotional support. I have been a bit worried about my father recently - he's getting very vague and distinctly odd so I worry about dementia. My granny had that badly at the end. I mentioned this to my DH once and was crying - he replied 'FFS at least your dad is still alive!'. On the 2 occasions I've been given ads to cope with depression/anxiety he is always dismissive - 'What are you depressed about?'. Worries about work, the children, money are always treated as some kind of stupid irrational fear that needs to be suppressed. I rarely cry now in front of him as it makes him so irritated. Last night I was telling him that I think one of DS#1's rats has a tumour and was worried about her. 'FGS it's just a bloody rat?. Yes, I know it's just a bloody rat, what's that got to do with it?
And I get jealous sometimes. I want to yell -I've been with you for years longer than your feckless, useless, selfish bloody father. I've supported you emotionally, practically, financially more than he ever did. I gave you three beautiful children. But you still love your dead father more than me!' Of course he doesn't really but it feels that way sometimes - he will still cry his heart out over photos, and watching certain films. I honestly feel that if I walked out tomorrow it wouldn't make him cry, he'd just be angry and resentful.
We potter along OK, I'm fond of him, I think he's a good man, I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh but god forbid I make any 'irrational' emotional demands. So I've learned not to. But surely marriage means sharing worried and fears? I'd get more of a sympathetic audience from my DC TBH. It's as if we are skating along quite happily on the surface but never dare approach thin ice.
Can we do this forever? I don't want to stir up a hornet's nest. And I guess I feel a bit guilty too. But I wonder if things still need to be explored