How many good friends do you have?

[pinkroseblush]

I used to have loads - life and soul of party, great at calling people etc. I was single then though - needed friends to do things with (also lived alone) and had more to give. Now knackered and have different priorities, as do they I am sure, and have I would say only three very good friends who I trust and can tell personal stuff to (other than my partner of course) and a handful of other friends I see for dinner and have fun with. Sometimes I wonder if my dramatically dwindling circle of friends is because I am not nice person, or if this is normal as you grow older and have family.

Wondered what you all think?

I think you (or certainly I!) become more 'selective' as you get older. I can recall several ocassions on which I have chosen to distance myself from a 'friend'. That makes me sound awful but I just mean we've grown apart I suppose! Not setting up dates to see each other again at the end of the last one etc.
I think it's because I've become more comfortable with myself as I've aged. I know what I like and what I don't and i can recognise people who feel the same way or whom I just click with. I no longer have the type of friends who you constantly have to work at and end up with one sided friendships....is any of this making sense?!

So, to the original question, I have 5 good friends for who Iwould drop anything and do anything if they needed me. I share everything with them and we have helped each other through dark times and happy times. I have about 20 friends who I see less regularly. I enjoy their company and help them / listen to / share with them as well but just not on the deeper level that I do with my closest friends.

Ok, now I've bored everyone with rambling this early in the day, I shall get my coat

I think it's 100% to do with having a family. Like you I have around 3 good friends and 2-3 close cousins. I was a total party animal and extremely sociable until I had DS, now 2, and moved to another country, now I probably go out once a month if that, and mainly just for a meal with DH. Last party I went to was a year ago.

If I think back to those party days though, I think there's a difference between the 20 ish-50 friends, colleagues I used to socialise with and be 'social friends' with, and then the real friends in time of need. For me, it's that middle category of 'friends' you see regularly for different reasons that has dwindled the most, and the real nitty gritty been through it all friends are still there. The middle category is now replaced, if at all, with other mums or other parents, who you don't necessarily have much in common with apart from having kids the same age. That´s what I really miss, the stimulation of regularly seeing interesting people and going to new places with them, just meeting up somewhere on the spur of the moment or after work. Then you get so stilted just being with the family or at work but always rushing back to the family, you don´t have that middle swathe of people giving you new impressions and getting you out there in the world.

I'm clinging on to the hope that as soon as kids get a bit older, you can expand again, but they need so much care and attention that your social life inevitably suffers for a few years. And those party days weren´t all rosy, all that angst over relationships etc, not to mention the hangovers!

In summary, I'm sure it's not because you are not a nice person, it's just that kids need SO much energy and input that there's barely enough personal energy left for one's husband, let alone a wide circle of friends.

So you're not alone and it's not forever (I hope!), this hermit style thing will end!

I don't really have any good friends in RL anymore. I have aquaintances and family and that's it.

I was never one for having lots of friends and have never been one for going out a lot.

I spend virtually 24/7 with dh and he is my best friend.

I do wish sometimes that I had someone I could go round to for coffee etc but I've always found it difficult getting close to people and unless I'm really close to somebody I can't open up to them. Catch 22 really. I don't do small talk and chit chat.

Good friendships take a lot of time and energy and you do tend to have less of both those things when you are a parent.
Also, as Dorris said, you become more selective. I put up with a lot less shite in general now and in the case of friendships am only willing to put in the work with those who make my life better, not those hangers-on I had in my yoof!

oggsfrog I am very like you. Apart from DH I don't have any close friends - I have acquaintances and family.

I also am not good at small talk - I am generally the person who sits there saying not a lot.

good friends here I have 1 I think, no 2, but one of those i've known 20 years or more, moved away came back/she travelled for a year and we fit right in together again. she knows me better than all of my friends ever have.

prior to here there was only about 8-10 thou and of those I think only 2 who were really close.

in my defense have only been here 10 months thou! lol. have about half a dozen aquantinaces from the gym/toddler groups, but not sure if i'd do the whole drinking etc thing with them.

I like aquantances for the most part thou.

Am relieved it's not just me. I think I have been on receiving end too of people dumping me as a friend. But definitely easier to have friends in local area and at same stage in life as you I have found.

I think because I was single for so long I relied a lot on friends which is why I have now noticed how few I have in comparison. I mean if we had a party lots of people would be there - we have many acquaintances - but not lots of good friends.

My best friends are my sisters ,I did used to have loads of close friends .

I find as I get older it is my family who I socialise with the most (I have 2 sisters with children similar ages to mine) and as someone else said - my DH is my best friend.

I have 5 women who I consider close friends and 4 of them go back along way. I have had periods where I haven't seen much of them (being o/s or pregnant/breast feeding and hiding) but its OK - we just pick up where we left off. We all understand that we have busy lives. I think that's the key - no pressure but still valuing each other. One of them has been away for a long time and is about to return to our city pregnant with number 1 and single. I know we will be there for her.

I miss having work colleagues though (maternity leave/studying no plans to return to work for awhile) - especially as no-one in my personal life even remotely gets what I do for a crust or my career path.

I have one very extremely close friend who I have known since I was 11 (am now 25). She knows pretty much everything that goes on with me and was MOH at my wedding.

I have another friend from the same time, who used to be my school "best friend" but we drifted apart for a few years. She has now returned into my life and we see each other a lot but are not as close anymore. Other than that, it's really just casual friends and DH's circle.

I have always been very selective in my friends, hence I have always had a small group. DH is the other way - he doesn't have a single close friend but instead has a large circle of casual friends. Ironically, I'm better at socialising than he is!

I found that over the last year, once I got married and fell pregnant, a lot of my single friends have fallen back and aquaintences with children have suddenly gotten back in touch once the news of my pregnany reached Facebook! I think it's just the natural progression of things as your life evolves.

I have two really close good friends, one I see a lot because she's only half an hour away in the car and she's got a ds 5 months younger than mine, and one who lives the other end of the country, but we keep in touch every month or so with a marathon phone call.

DH and I have quite a few coupley friends, his best friend and wife have a boy 6 months younger than ours, and he's quite close to the rest of their family so we go to weddings/christenings etc of theirs. Meet up for dinner/lunch every 2 or 3 months. Will probably do New Years Eve with them this year.

My oldest friends, school friends have become more distant over the years, geographically and emotionally. We used to have a gang of 6 and we were very close, but with families and jobs etc we've drifted apart. Still meet up once a year or so to compare babies and lives.

I have two close friends from school. I have known them for 27 years, they have known each other for 33 years. We are a threesome so it works two ways or three.

I have a lot of acquaintances that I can go for coffee with, hang out at their house, etc. but it is harder to be close when there are children and husbands who are quite different.

We are quite a tight family unit too so we generally stick to doing family things at weekends, etc. I can't imagine going on holiday or away with anyone.

I am actually pretty unsociable I think but I'm happy with where I'm at.

I have probably about 10 to 12 friends who I can ring up and arrange to go out to cinema/come for girly dinner (in fact have 3 coming round tomorrow night), but am not desperately close to any of them, in that I'd never talk to them about serious problems.

DH most definitely the only really close friend I have.

Oh the relief! I am not the only one. Have been feeling a bit low about the whole friend thing this week so this is just what I needed to see. I have one or two proper friends that I chat to regularly, lots of mum acquatancies (that try as I might dont turn into proper friends), a few coupley friends and thats it. DH has loads of social friends but I dont think there is one he would call in an emergency. I think its just a fact of life. You move on and accumulate a different set of people.

Just read your thread greatfun and I too feel relieved to not be the only one! Seem to have been 'dropped' especially by one 'close' friend since the beginning of pregnancy with dd4, felt and still feel very let down...thats life i suppose

2 that I would do absolutely anything for and viceversa, one lives 2 hrs away though. Have 'friends' at work and other mummy friends who I meet up with fairly reguarly.

I've got three close friends, who I can talk to pretty well anything about. None of them really know each other, and they're all completely different. And I would be stuffed without them, because I've become less and less sociable as I've got older, and I think would struggle to go forth and make new friends now.

I was thinking about this the other day - DD (19) has a broken heart, and I was breezily telling her to try to meet lots of new people etc, and then thought actually I would find that incredibly difficult.

1. i would do anything for them and im fairly certan teh feeling is mutual...despite my wobbly moments of insecurity.

I have got 3 or 4 people I could call in the middle of the night for help about anything we talk to each other more than once a week.
I have 4 or 5 more who I could talk to about anything but wouldn't call them in the middle of the night.
then have long term solid friendships. - Old school friends / Uni friends we will always be friends but don't talk more than 5-6 times a year.

1. Another one who is not big on small talk and chit chat. And about 5 really good friends who all unfortunately live abroad or on the other side of the world.

Still I know that my best friend can make me laugh till my belly aches and will always be there for me.

I'm a demon for dropping people. I've met people through work who are lovely but have their own circles so I'd see them maybe 3 times a year and I'd make all the effort, or have had the occasional 'needy' friend who just wasnt the effort. So since dd I've decided I really dont need these people. I'm happy to meet up occasionaly but I'm not always going to be the instigator.

I'm tying to make some local friends with babies and though it's taken a year, I've finally got a small little circle of mums who I really like and with whom the chat is not just babies, we actually have stuff in common. It is like dating though, I actively pursued one

I'd rather be a good friend to a few then have loads of fairweather friends.

Kids do make such a difference. I have 2 very close, tell-them-anything friends but neither has, nor is likely to have kids (gay man and a woman whose has agreed to her DH's stance on no kids - probably almost too late for her anyway). They are interested in mine but they can't empathise with my slightly deranged, sleep-deprived, poo-centric existence and why should they? They live in sexy Southern places and not a grim northern town like me. I used to visit them more frequently but they have a lot of nice stuff and some of it is cream . Having known them 20 years I reckon we will weather this lull and I will come out of the other side of baby/toddler/preschool-dom relatively sane

I have 3 really close friends and a few more who have been great. I really know who they are since my H dumped me for OW. A lot of other 'friends' have just melted away

I know how you guys feel. Until recently I always had a close girlfriend, one I lived with at Uni (she's on here actually), and one at college, but they both live miles away and though it's great on the phone and when we do see each other it's lovely I don't have anyone close round here, where I have lived for 4 years.

We have 'couple friends' who we do 'stuff' with once a month or so, cinema, coffee etc, and I have a couple of mummy friends, but most people I'm friends with here have strong ties elsewhere, i.e. they go 'home' at weekends to their parents or old friends, whereas for us, this is our home. No-one will be around here at Christmas, they will all be going 'home'.

I don't have a problem confiding in people (god, I'll tell anyone anything!) but I don't feel I have anyone to be my 'back up' you know someone who will come to a burlesque evening with you, someone who'll come and support you when you walk over hot coals or something else equally ridiculous (I have done those things - on my own).

My DH is my best friend I guess, but no matter how much I train him, he won't sit and watch sex and the city on endless repeat with me like my old flat mate