Two weddings on same day and friend I haven't chosen now hates me

[oopsidaisy]

Help! We accepted in July an invite to our friends wedding in Scotland (we live in Birmingham) next May and decided to make a holiday out of it. As soon as we got the invite we rsvpd yes and booked the hotel the bride and groom had reserved for guests (which they asked us to decide upon quickly so they could offer to other guests otherwise). We also paid an unreturnable deposit on that for 5 nights which was about £200.

Now another friend, one I used to be very close to but am not any more, but who I have known for nearly 15 yeas, has decided to get married on that day too. She had originally asked us to save a weekend in April for her wedding which was going to be in Italy but then they changed their mind and decided on the new date at a venue in Kent. (We had kept the original date free even though we'd be hard pushed to afford to go to Italy).

If both invites had arrived at same time then we'd have chosen the older friend, but we've already accepted and paid money towards the one in Scotland. I told this to the older friend last week and after ignoring me for a week she has told me that I am a terrible friend, a horrible person and that she doesn't want to see me.

What should I do? I was bought up to think that if you've accepted an invite then you must go even if a better one comes along afterwards, but also we can't afford to lose the money we've paid for Scotland if we want a holiday next year too.
Help...

You did the right thing.
He awful reaction proves it imo.

you did the right thing, first invitation is the on you accepted and the one you should go with

other friend sounds a bit bridezilla, ring her when she has cooled down and explain things rationally

your friend is being childish.

You kept the date she had told you free. She can't expect you to change your plans and let someone else down just cos she demands it.

Go to the wedding you have booked for and tell your friend you are sorry but you are already booked up. Tell her to grow up as well.

There is an etiquette with these things - you accepted the invite your received first in good faith and are now committed to going to that wedding.

Your friend is being a complete and utter Bridezilla. She really needs to calm down and have a long, hard think about this.

Message withdrawn

write her a letter saying what you've said here,a nd how sorry you are that you've upset her.
You have done the right thing, you can't change the arrangement now you've accepted and paid for it!

Message withdrawn

she is a loon

of course you need to stick with your original plan

first come, first served and you should not have to lose money you have paid upfront

tbh, she is the poor friend for pressurising you in this way. You cannot be in 2 places at once.

When she has put her dummy back in calmed down, suggest that you celebrate her marriage in an alternative way, eg by organising a get together/girlie weekend/night out/whatever and send a lovely gift/message on the day itself.

No brainer. You have rsvped to the first invite. That stands. That is the wedding you attend.

Your friend is unreasonable, shortsighted and extremely selfish. She changed her dates, expects you to cancel the booking you have already made, dishonour your rsvp to the other couple, to pander to her. Chances are, if you DO this, she will still find you a terrible friend as you did not comply at once, and so you will have alienated TWO couples, not just one.

To be honest, if a friend did not understand this, she was not worthy of my friendship.

Kindly decline her rsvp.

I think your oldest friend is being unreasonable. It is unfortunate of course, however you have committed to the first friend.

Definite bridezilla moment. Quite understandably, as far as she is concerned her wedding is the most important one in the world and she's overreacted as a result. Keep the lines of communication open and hope she comes to her senses. If not, it's her loss.

I would try and make sure the two chief bridesmaids don't arrange the hen nights to clash, or would you not be going on them anyway?

good post QuinShadow. Can't add anything to that.

Oopsi, stick to your guns. You didn't "choose" the other friend over her. You committed, ahead of time, in good faith beliving that your other psycho friend was getting married in April. She is being entirely unreasonable.

I have a friend getting married in Australia at CHRISTMAS. I am not Australian. We appear to no longer be friends as a result of me saying I can't spend the £4000 odd it would cost for DP and I to go at Christmas.

Hi everyone, you've confirmed what I already know really which is good as I don;t want to cancel trip to Scotland. Trouble is the oldest friend, the one whose wedding we can't go to, has much more money than us and therefore thinks losing a couple of hundred nothing - she'd spend it on a jumper without thinking about it. I imagine even if this hadn't happened when hen night comes I'd have offended her as she's the type to insist on a trip to New York with a michelin star dinner or something - I can't afford that kind of thing. I don't think our friends realise how little we have to spare at moment - we are not poor but mortgage and bills and occasional dinner as a couple takes almost all our money. You know, we don't take a taxi if there is a night bus, that kind of thing whereas they have much more to splash about. We usually invite people to ours for dinner so maybe they don't realise we don't go to expensive restaurants. I'm not complaining, we are in a lucky position compared to most, but we don't have spare cash knocking around enough to waste the deposit we've already paid, let alone let down the couple whose invite we accepted already.

Also another couple is invited to both weddings and has I think chosen the Kent wedding not the Scotland one. So the couple we go to in Scotland will know we have chosen them so they will at least like us!

ask her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed? would she find it ok for someone who had accepted her invite to change their mind because something better came along? of course she wouldn/t. (actually don;t ask her, unless you want to inflame things. that was a rhetorical suggestion ) she'll calm down and realise she's being unreasonable. probably usual wedding stress turning ordinary person into bridezilla.

Oopsidaisy - you will have a fantastic time Scottish weddings are soooo much fun! Ignore you idiot!

Bridezilla

oopsidaisy

But it's not about money. It's about accepting that you have made an agreement already to the first invite and she should allow you to feel good about it. No friend should make you feel bad about anything and try to be supportive even if they don't agree with your choices. Really, it would be a good time to put some space between you. She sounds very selfish. You have done the right ting. You need to now look forward to the first invitation and enjoy it.

I'd say it's not the money aspect, it's the principle of the thing. They invited first, you have RSVPed. It would be the height of rudeness to say "oh sorry, we've had a better offer now, so you can invite someone on the B list who is going to know perfectly well they were a second choice".

Not to mention she asked you to keep an entirely different weekend free, if she'd named that weekend first that would also be different. But she didn't. Simple manners dictate that you go to the Scottish wedding, never mind the loss of the deposit.

For goodness sake - what an idiotic woman. Of course you can't change your plans. I agree with tribpot, it's the principle. Once you've accepted an invite for a big event like that, you really should go.

She sounds like a right Bridezilla!

YANBU

If it's someone with mutual friends why on earth have they chosen the same date?

don't let her get to you. obviously you had all the intentions in the world to make it to her wedding, she was the one that changed the date. obviously she missed the "being a good friend" lesson back in school as well and doesn't deserve your friendship if she can't be a rational adult. not sure why she's so bent out of shape that you can't make it, she didn't ask you to be in the wedding and you cancelled.... yeah just don't beat yourself up over it. have a blast at the wedding you're going to and don't give her another second's notice

You're not being unreasonable.

Weddings do funny things to people though, you might get an apologetic phone call at some point when it's all over, and then you can really rake her over the coals