Two weddings on same day and friend I haven't chosen now hates me

[oopsidaisy]

Help! We accepted in July an invite to our friends wedding in Scotland (we live in Birmingham) next May and decided to make a holiday out of it. As soon as we got the invite we rsvpd yes and booked the hotel the bride and groom had reserved for guests (which they asked us to decide upon quickly so they could offer to other guests otherwise). We also paid an unreturnable deposit on that for 5 nights which was about £200.

Now another friend, one I used to be very close to but am not any more, but who I have known for nearly 15 yeas, has decided to get married on that day too. She had originally asked us to save a weekend in April for her wedding which was going to be in Italy but then they changed their mind and decided on the new date at a venue in Kent. (We had kept the original date free even though we'd be hard pushed to afford to go to Italy).

If both invites had arrived at same time then we'd have chosen the older friend, but we've already accepted and paid money towards the one in Scotland. I told this to the older friend last week and after ignoring me for a week she has told me that I am a terrible friend, a horrible person and that she doesn't want to see me.

What should I do? I was bought up to think that if you've accepted an invite then you must go even if a better one comes along afterwards, but also we can't afford to lose the money we've paid for Scotland if we want a holiday next year too.
Help...

YANBU.

You accepted another invitation, and on top of that have paid a deposit on accommodation. You cannot and she should not expect you to change your plans now.

YABU

Did you not somehow psychically know the date and venue of the other friends wedding? I mean how could you do something like that to her

what a nasty childish cow (your so called friend, not you). You have explained the situation to her, you had kept available the weekend when she was going to have her wedding so why on earth would you not accept another invitation. Were you supposed to keep the whole of next year free in case she changed her dates? Of course she would have been disappointed if you couldn't make it but her comments to you are spiteful and childish and to be frank, not the sort of things you would expect a real friend to say.
Enjoy scotland, have a lovely weekend and (if you are still friends next spring) send her a nice card and present and say sorry you couldn't attend. If you aren't friends next spring, send her husband to be a sympathy card. you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about

I was upset when my friend told me she was only going to attend half of my wedding day - but that is because she decided to book theatre tickets knowing it was the day of my wedding - thinking that she would see the ceremony, eat the food then bugger off before the reception started to catch a play.

With hindsight I barely saw her in the evening anyway, it was impossible to see everyone (and we didn't have a huge wedding).

You are of course not being unreasonable.

chequers:

I would be livid with a friend who did that.

freind????? i dont think so. go to the first wedding, scottish weddings are great, all those men in kilts (yum yum)(looking is allowed ).

Defo go to the wedding you have rsvp'ed! We had this earlier this year and although we had RSVp'd to a save the date card for a couple who live locally another invite came through for a couple who live abroad and were coming to the UK to marry. ALthough I did not want to let down the first couple they understood we didnt see the other couple that much and the second couple had asked DH to be best man as were very long standing close friends
Long story short is that I had an awful time at the wedding of the second couple as DS was not allowed into the wedding reception (his pram was too big - ???) and so I missed Dh being best man and me and ds missed the reception. The second couple didnt apologise and now dont speak to me. The first couple I have not seen since before their wedding and to be honest am i put the other before them when quite honestly i sholdnt have done.

Sorry, bit long that after all.

What is a save the date card? Is this a "I might or might not get married that weekend and I might or might not invite you" kinda deal?!

You've done nothing wrong. You committed, you didn't 'chooose' one friend over another.

If she doesn't get this she's being bridezilla.

Hopefully she'll realise sooner or latter that she's being abridezilla about the whole thing ffs what are you meant to do never accept an invite any where without checking with her.

Please don't worry about it its her problem not yours x

You did the right thing. Sometimes things clash but she changed her plans after you'd committed to the other wedding. You did everything right so send her a nice card for her wedding and head up to Scotland with a happy heart.

but you are no longer close to her, so perhaps this is a good way to end a waning friendship.

don;t worry, you are in the right., you can;t renege on the first RSVP

you'd have a crap time anyway, feeling obliged to go

You did the right thing. You accepted the first invite that was sent. She is not a true friend if she is being so awful to you. She could be very hurt that you are not going but she isn't showing it in the correct way.

Look on the bright side - you won't have to worry about the potentially expensive hen night any more

Quint put it very well.

What would you do if Bridezilla then decided to change venue/date again?

You will have a ball in Scotland, the weddings there are fab.

What is it about weddings that turn otherwise sane rational people into monsters.

You are of course doing the right thing going to the Scottish wedding. Your sulky 'friend' has gone bonkers. Hopefully she will come to her senses once the confetti has been thrown and she realises that although it's 'the biggest day in her life' it's not necessarily the biggest day in everyone elses.

Thanks everyone. I tried to explain to the friend we are disappointing that we have to go to the Scotland one because we accepted it first, and that it isn't about her being less important. She has got back to me saying that essentially what is happening is we are choosing the other friend over her. I said no, we are choosing to stick to the original rsvp and how would she feel if others rsvpd yes to her and then changed their minds later when they got a better offer and she's said she doesn't see it that way. That's that friendship over then I guess...
The awful thing is I know the scotland friends would be fine if we told them we couldn't make their wedding, but that's precisely why we should go to theirs, because that's the kind of friends you want.

some friend!
Enjoy Scotland. It is fab.

some people... Have fun in Scotland!

She sounds utterly self-obsessed.

Stick to your guns!