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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH thinks we are in trouble. I think we are tired.

37 replies

SueDonym · 09/11/2008 19:11

DS is 7 months and still doesn't sleep through, recent bout of teething means that I am getting approx 4 hrs sleep a night. DH doesn't work at the moment and sleeps 9 hours a night, never helps with baby. I am fine with this, as I know that we are getting somewhere and I am loving being a Mum. We were meant to start trying for no 2 this month. DH is concerned that we never have sex (once a week?) and says that if we don't "reconnect" sexually he won't be comfortable with having another yet. Doesn't think he could bear "just being a mum and dad." I am getting a bit too old to wait, and have been looking forward to the next pregnancy with much anticipation. I realise that you shouldn't have another baby if you dont get on, but honestly I dont see how once a week with a 7 month old is never. Am I wrong? Must add that in a previous life DH and I did have a very active sex life, were swingers, etc. But he said he knew it would be different...

OP posts:

HRHSaintMamazon · 09/11/2008 19:13

Erm your Dh isn't working and your Dsis only 7 months. why on earth are you rishing this?

he is right, you do need to reconnect and make sure your relationship as a couple is stable before you try for another child.

snigger · 09/11/2008 19:15

I think most men, faced with the utter upheaval of a newborn, may have an alternative reaction to the pre-birth one.

Try to listen to him, these are his babies too, and if you get him 'onside', his support could prove invaluable.

DH is baby-mad, and even he would have bucked at trying for number 2 at 7 months, but that was us, you need to agree on this one.

nickytwotimes · 09/11/2008 19:16

DOn't know about "we" are tired - YOU are tired - he should be fine getting 9 hrs, the lucky git!
Once a week is loads in my book.
You do need to sort things out before having another kid. I was tempted to have no.2 soon after no.1 but now he is a demanding toddler, I am so glad we waited.

kama · 09/11/2008 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WingsofaAngel · 09/11/2008 19:18

Why does he not help with his ds ?

You want to have another child so soon with someone who appears not to help with his children. Your sex life will be none existent.

HRHSaintMamazon · 09/11/2008 19:18

and if he isn't working why the flying fark is he not helping you with baby?

spicemonster · 09/11/2008 19:19

Why isn't your DH helping out when he's not working? What does he do all day long?

I agree - I think you're tired. And he's not sharing the load.

When he says 'just a mum and dad' what does he mean? What does he think you should be on top of that?

ilovemydogandPresidentObama · 09/11/2008 19:21

sounds like you're tired. His sleep pattern doesn't appear to be terribly effected...

Original poster

SueDonym · 09/11/2008 19:22

Sorry, wasn't clear. Meant DS and I are getting there with the sleeping.
DH doesn't work, but money is not an issue at the moment.
He doesn't help with DS as he thinks that it is my job. I knew this when I married him. The thing is he keeps saying "I do want more kids, I just want to be sure that we will be having sex when all this bit is finished."
He seems to think that by having sex constantly we will insure against future problems. ???????
The irony is, by trying for a baby we WOULD be having more sex, and now we aren't having any.

OP posts:

Original poster

SueDonym · 09/11/2008 19:23

What does he do all day long...according to him, very important things. (read:in front of computer doing some "work in the future" type things...looks like facebook to me.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/11/2008 19:24

Why isn't he helping? I really woudln't go for No2 unless DH prepared to help especially if he is not working, you are tired that is why you don't want sex, tell him to do his fair share and you will be less tired so up for more fun.

Sobernow · 09/11/2008 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickytwotimes · 09/11/2008 19:25

He thinks it is your job to raise the kid/kids? I am speechless. Does he consider himself a mere sperm donor?

Sorry, but I cannot imagine being in a realtionship with a man like that, so I can't answer your question.

kalo12 · 09/11/2008 19:25

its not easy peasy having a baby. i think it takes longer to recover when you are older. i am 37 with a 9 mth ds. we want another but there is no way just yet. i am completely exhausted, my dh sleeps in the dining room, has done for the last 6 mths. we never have sex anymore, we are just too tired. we get on great, but are bickering all the time.

if i were you i would wait. how old are you btw?

Original poster

SueDonym · 09/11/2008 19:26

He just wont. I forced him to do a night about 6 weeks ago. He slept through the baby screaming and got cross when I asked him to get up. Baby now wont take bottles anymore with teeth hurting, so I guess it's only me who can feed him. Have accepted it though.

OP posts:

clam · 09/11/2008 19:28

Yes you are. At once a week with a non-sleeping 7month old, you're getting much more than most people, I would reckon.

Tell him that you'd be more likely to be up for more frequent sex with him if he supported you a bit more with the baby. I would be so furious with him at the unfairness of his attitude (and the fact that he said it before you married does not make it OK now you're faced with the reality) that he'd be lucky to get it once a year. It is not just your job, even if he was working at the moment.

CatMandu · 09/11/2008 19:29

Simple remedy: he helps with bringing up his own son, therefore allowing you to catch up on some sleep. Also giving you some time to yourself, this will invigorate you and make you feel more connected to him. This in turn will lead to more sex. Result - happy Mum, happy Dad.

Wait until this is sorted before even thinking of number 2.

Original poster

SueDonym · 09/11/2008 19:30

37, but before anyone screams that that isn't old..it took us a while first time round so am anxious about that.
Does he care about anything but the sex? Yes, how clean the house is. I no longer give a shit about the house as long as it's reasonable and all the washing, etc. is done. Have no desire these days to clean windows every week. He does care, but yes, won't help.

OP posts:

spicemonster · 09/11/2008 19:30

Sorry, he sounds vile. Can't think why you'd want to have another child with him when he treats you like a skivvy

nickytwotimes · 09/11/2008 19:31

Why are you with this guy?
He sounds like a prat - sorry. I'm sure you love him, but he is not affording you any respect.

MrsMattie · 09/11/2008 19:31

Blimey. You are very tolerant. He doesn't work, sleeps all night and thinks looking after the children is 'your job' - and he is the one complaining? Baffled.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/11/2008 19:32

The more you tell us about him the more I think what are you doing with him.

clam · 09/11/2008 19:33

DH thinks you're in trouble because if "lack of sex?" I'd say you're in trouble because of his prehistoric attitude.

Trebuchet · 09/11/2008 19:34

Oh my god it sounds like hell on earth to me. What can you possiblly be getting from this relationship?!

HRHSaintMamazon · 09/11/2008 19:36

sorry to sound a little blunt but, he sounds like an arse

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