So... all parents are equal, but some parents are more equal than others. Discuss.

[clam]

Just perusing another thread about the wisdom/necessity of an instruction manual being given to an exH for appropriate care for a baby. It set me thinking.
Are we women really the Managing Directors of parenting in the home, with our DPs operating largely under our leadership, or following our instructions? Those of us who have hands-on partners... are we glad about that 100% of the time, or do we pull rank at times? Who has a truly 50/50 responsibility with their DP?
What do we all think?

P.S. Just reviewed this and think it sounds like I'm trawling for an article. Promise I'm not. Name-search me if you don't believe me!

OK, from my perspective:
DH is incredibly hands on, I know I am very lucky.
BUT if there is a problem (one of boys is ill/CM is ill) it is my responsibility. Not necessarily through choice, but it just works out that way.
I am responsible for all organisation of school stuff/clothes/meals as well.
BUT I do work mainly from home, 4 days per week, school hours, which was a joint decision.

Much as I sometimes get stressed with it all, I don't think I'd like to relinqush the "power" anyway

I am the MD

DH is happy with his sub-ordinate position. I am not sure he is working to his potential, if he self motivated with regards to the offspring, he could go further in the corporation. He would get more bonuses (of the horizontal type), and would not need quite so many verbal reprimands.

However, he has shown himself to be outstanding in the areas that he does excel at -for example support which is emotional in nature, and generating Income. The offspring appear to work well with him.

For the time being, his position is secure, and we will review in six months.

I consider myself a fairly hands-on Dad, but when it comes to the strategic side of stuff DW is definitely my boss.

I think to a large extent that is put in place by the routines set in the first few months of maternity leave, and the natural bond that children have with their Mums.

My DH is hands on but, just because I am the one mainly at home, I tend to run things the way that I want to run them! Luckily we both had a similar upbringing so have a very similar style. On the odd occasions that we disagree I wouldn't say so in front of the DCs.
I thought I was a control freak until I started posting on here-I now think I am quite laid back!

purpleduck!

Very topical atm in our house. I've just gone back to working full-time and DH is working school hours. So he is dealing with a lot more of the logistical shit that I used to handle when I worked part-time. And I am having to relinquish control for a lot of decisions. Which is largely fine but I have to bite my tongue sometimes.

In theory we are partners - reality being that whoever is there most often takes most control.

DH is very hands on and loves spending time with the children.
As SAHM though I have final say in pretty much everything important
For example, I decide when to wean them, when to potty train etc and DH goes along with things!

I'm the MD.

DH is the creative director, maintenance and entertainments director.

For making sure children are clean, fed and clothed and in the right place at the right time, he reports to me.

For 1001 things to do with an elastic band and toy repair, and clowning around, I report to him.

My DH is hands on and i wouldn't have it anyother way, i have 2 BIL'S who have never changed a nappy, never spoon fed a child and have never got thier kids dressed it is always my sisters job.

I count my blessings everyday that i have dp, i know i could leave him with the boys for weeks (not that i would) and they would always be as well looked after as they would be with me.

He works untill 2 o'clock each day to have the afternoon to spend with the children and to do this he starts work early.

BUT - he is a selfproclaimed panicker an doesn't deal with illness very well so i take the role of nurse/dr when called for although this is getting better since ds was diagnosed with cf.

I suppose the day-to-day logistics of nappy-changing/school run/homework supervision is largely down to circumstance.i.e. who's on-site at the relevant time. But when it comes to decisions like medication (frequency of Calpol administration, or are we going alternative?), diet (how often, if ever, may they have sweets/drink vile-coloured concoctions/eat processed foods), TV watching restrictions etc.... Who sets up those expectations?

Clam

I agree about day to day logisitics being down to the one at home, but have also found that the big decision, i.e. diet, when to wean, etc, are down to me, though DH always happy to discuss (and he is very hands on). I think I am just more aware and read up on it all, whereas he comes home, plays and does what I say needs doing.

Dh is very hands on and is def dcs favourite . But I am in charge of really every aspect of their care in terms of decision making. What they eat, when they nap /drop naps / how we discipline (he often strays with this one) / where we will apply for schools.

He is obv involved in decision making , but we both know who will make the final decision. It is a big workload for me - but I'm not good at relinquishing control.

Oh and we both work full time.

Diet/medication/toys/education (to a point) are all down to me.
We discuss things of major importance (ie. school choices) then I make the decisions.

I've tried before now to get dh to see our role as (explicitly) a job-share.

His response: "Job-sharing has been discredited as a resource model nowadays."

DH has been totally hands on since the beginning ... My mother thinks the sun shines out of his arse because he could change nappies and he can cook
As time has gone on, since I became a SAHM, I do the majority of everything (cleaning/shopping/deciding what we eat/caring for ill kids/) and as DH's responsibilities at work have increased (promotions, less time at home, more travel) he has less to do at home, much to his sadness and regret. Once the weekend comes around he gets stuck into cooking and pottering - he would be a much better SAHP than I am to be honest. I think if we both worked full time we would really hit a snag as he wouldn't/couldn't take time off to pick up sick kids etc ...
My dream is to earn more than him so he can choose to be at home if he wanted ...

DH is very hands on we do alot of things 50/50, but when it comes to organising things, such as meals, creche, doctors visits, babysitter ect. I am left to do that as DH would not cope with things like that unless he really had too.

There are things that DH asks me about everyday care WRT DD, things that I 'just seem to know' and he doesn't. Nothing but the basics would get done if it was left to DH.

I don't 'pull rank' but then DH doesn't 'challenge' me IYSWIM and is happy for me to do as I please.

I must admit that I have thought about writing a note book about basic things for DH should anything happen to me. things like dont mix her medicines unless told to do so by doctors (calpol etc), and thgings along those lines.
DH just doesn't think about things like that and I feel it is improtant that he knows that.
I do tell him, but he either doesn't listen or doesn't remember.

I also like the level of 'say' I have over things but wouldn't challenge DH (Unless it was not safe) when he wants to do things his way.

i think its v. easy for men to assign you the role of main carer and leave all that baby stuff to the little woman.

i am sure there are exceptions to the rule

my dh - his father took active part in household duties.

me - only child - rarely around a baby - mother a fruitcase who locked herself in her bedroom.

we had a baby. dh assumes that we are in 1950's america - and it is the womans role to do everything relatied to child and home. whilst he went and earned the money.

"butter the corner of my bread" he said once as i was making his sandwiches for work when i first had a newborn and wan't married v long - i was v. young.

and i did.

after nearly dying ( not exagerating) after birth of ds1, family doctor made a point of seeing my mum and nan to tell them that i had a bad time so they could support me i suppose....i was stood up ironing shirts and trousers for dh's job.

and then one day it struck me.....what the holy shit?

and for the past 19 years i regularly make comments like

"they aren't just my kids"
"no one taught me how to cook - read the effin packet"
"i wasn't born with the ability to sew a hem or a button, are you disabled?"
" ...and wtf do you think i've been doing all day whilst you have been working?....yes working. so if you tell m the house is a mess or the dinner is shit, i will knock you into next week i swear to god. you look after three kids under five all pissin day and see how easy it is...i dont sit here with my feet up watching the telly y'know"

"ask your dad" v. passive agressive.

Until about 10 days ago, I was all for playing little wifey indoors....doing all housework, main childcare person, everything.

Then something happened in our relationship - no more little wifey here, oh no.

DH has cooked 5 night out of those ten, has done alot of the childrens things - god does he owe me.

Custado - you are so right. But even then - you are presumably still managing director - but have an employee who is delegated to more.

I had a row with my mother when DS was 6 weeks old and in hospital. On his last night there, DH sent me home to sleep while he stayed with DS - my mother's words were along the lines of "But you are his mother - it is your duty to stay with your baby. Your husband has to work, he needs his sleep!" . The row was about the fact that DH was one of two parents. Just because I had carried DS for 9 months didn't mean I had the monopoly on parenting him ...

Yeah, funny, that one. The vast majority of washing machine engineers are, I bet, men. So how come so many men start whimpering and looking helpess when faced with the prospect of filling one with (COLOUR-SORTED!!!!!! ) washing and pressing the 'on' switch?

in our house i am the MD.
i am here all day so i SHOULD make most of decisions.
DH brings it up when we fight every once in a while. apparently the fact that i chose certain things irks him. but what should i do. discuss every flipping part of my day with him to get concensus on everything? he'd be bored.

DH very hands on..he is great with the kids and does his fair share of nappies,shopping washing and entertaining..Of late he has started to do some cooking..

However he does not clean and does not have any facility to retain basic knowledge, ie about giving medicines, weaning, potty training, sending DD's out wearing coats in winder FFS!Which although all things considered I am very lucky, drives me up the wall.

We both work, (e 4 long days soon to be 5, the 5th as a shorter day)and him 5.Until recently if one of the kids was sick it would be me taking time off work as DH 'couldnt'.Except he could of course, he just didnt think it would go down well in his office if he had to take carers leave.In pointed out that this was bollocks and illegal anyway and he also realised that I earn slightly more than him currently, so that made him see my job is as 'important' as his..thus it was just as hard for me to take the time off work etc..He still tries to make me feel bad if I ask him to stay off with the girls when I absolutely cant but I just give him a hard stare..

Funny how, when you think how far we've come in equality, that it is we mums who invariably are expected to take time off when the DCs are ill. Even allowing for those cases where we earn less (so the job is less vital than the main breadwinner's, or rather, less catastrophic if it was lost), I reckon it's still the case. DH and I have similar jobs, although I'm part-time, so we take it in turns. I can't believe that, even in this day and age, it causes some raised eyebrows. Often from women, too.