I don't know what to do about my baby's surname

[surnamedilemma]

I have namechanged for this.

My DP and I are expecting a baby, but we are not married. Neither of us was particularly bothered, we've both been there before. He is more against it than I am though, to be honest I'm starting to feel like I would actually be over the moon if he were to propose...!

Baby's surname. It's always been presumed that the baby will take his surname. I am beginning to feel increasingly "left out" by this. I will be the only one with a different surname. It just feels strange that we will be a family, yet I will be different.

Now, I don't want to put pressure on him to feel like he HAS to propose, I would hate to get married just for the sake of a name. The baby could take MY name, but then DP would feel left out, and I'm not sure he wouldn't feel like I was only suggesting it to get him to propose anyway. The combination of our surnames just sounds stupid as a double-barrelled name. I don't want to change mine by deed poll either, that just seems a little bit daft, like a cop-out.

I just want to know what to do for the best! Anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

I don't know what to do.

A friend of mines has 2 DCs with her DP, she changed her name by deed poll so they all have the same name.

Could you agree to the system whereby if it's a girl, the baby has your surname,if it's a boy then your DP's?

In similar circumstances we went for the double-barrelled thing, which luckily sounds OK (both single syllable names). But other children I've met have long-winded and unlikely double-barrelled names which you just get used to and accept quite easily.

Your name as a middle name?

(Then you also avoid the SATC Brady Brady scenario if you do get married )

If you're expecting his child and want to get married, is that something you should be talking about, or is it outside the remit of this thread?

We did double-barrelled. It sounded much better one way than the other.
Or could ycu combine both your names into one shorter name and all change to that? LIke a 70s house name ?

the dcs have dh's surname. i kept my own name when we married, sometime later.
why don't you all go double-barelled?
don't need to change by deed poll. you can call yourself anything that you like

My friends (a couple with kids from different ex-marriages) didn't want to get married so they changed ALL their surnames to one they all liked

I gave my dd2's my exP's name (we were together for her 1st 5 years) but I am mightily regretting it now. If you both marry it will be easy to change both your names, but if you ever split it will be nigh on impossible to change hers without his consent, especially if he turns out to be a stubborn fecker. Then you could be in the situation of wanting to marry someone else but be unable to change your LO's name. Not what you want to think about, but true all the same. I wish i hadnt been so generous!

I don't know if I do though. I have a lot of hormonal feelings floating round at the moment. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no biggie. I'd want to get married because it was a natural progression, not because it would conveniently sort out the name problem.

I can't think of anything worse than making an issue out of the name thing and him then turning round and saying "oh look, if it matters that much let's just get married", especially if he was half-hearted about it. Like I said, I don't want to force him into a corner, and I'm not even sure that it's what I want, I just think sometimes it would be.... nice. And romantic, and proper somehow.

A girl wants SOME romance.

you can make up a surname?

mine had double barrelled, until we gpt marroed and just took dh's .. this was primarily for school purposes.

i woudl forget about romance - you are a family

Some friends of ours conceived their first child completely unexpectedly and as she was a girl they gave her the mum's name, then they had a boy & gave him the dad's name. When she got pregnant with child no.3 they decided that they would all change their name to something significant - which turned out to be the name of a favourite grandparent. Sounds a bit convoluted, but everyone got used to it quickly and both the parents still use their original surnames for work. Another couple I know wanted to have the same surname so both changed it to the name of the university where they met and gave their children this surname too.

Not sure it's romantic, but it's traditional and I like that sort of thing. He will be pleased and you won't care after a while anyway ... probably. Don't like the double barrelled name thing, but that's just me.

And yes, there is the splitting up issue to worry about. I grew up with a different surname to my mother and brother, my other brother changed his name from my Dad's surname to my mother's maiden name because he didn't want to pass on my Dad's name to his own child - so I am now the only one in my own family with my surname anyway, and I don't speak to my Dad so it's not like I'm hanging onto it because it's SPECIAL.

Am I making sense? I feel like I'm just blabbing on.

we got married for the sake of a name tbh, and i backed down - and he wouldnt let me have dd3 without tying the knot

IME this is something worth some serious thought.

I do think that having a differnt name to your child can be a very difficult thing to live with - explaining it all at A&E when they want evidence that you are your childs mother is one example I can think of.

Deciding what to do if your relationship breaks down (especially if your partner insists on your lo keeping their name) is hell.

Anyway, I would suggest tha you and your partner discuss it at length. You can explain how you feel, perhaps drop in a bit about marriage (making it clear that you are open to hte idea ) look at options such as double-barrel, deed poll, marriage, him taking your name by deed poll etc. But (IMHO) do not leave yourself with a different name to your child!

Think very carefully before you just give your baby the father's surname alone. You can never change the surname without the father's permission.

Dh and I are married but I kept my own name as I'm me, not a possession. When we had ds, I was all for registering him with both names - not double barrelling them but giving him both so he could choose whichever combination he chose as an adult.

Dh surprised me by insisting on NOT having his surname - discovered he dislikes his name and didn't see any reason to inflict it on ds. So ds has my name alone although dh was very firm about giving ds his father's Christian name for middle. Hasn't caused us any problems beyond the odd raised eyebrow from very conservative unimaginative people.

I do like the idea of DC having DP's surname - it's a nicer surname than mine anyway, and seems to go with all the first names we've chosen. And yes, it's traditional, and I also like that kind of thing.

Gah! So bloody confused. And hormonal.

I am married, shortly to be divorced. Both boys one born before we were married have H's surname. I dont have to change mine on divorce but it always looks a bit odd that i have a different surname to my kids and sometimes people, particularly airlines, think they are not mine. I always carry birht certificates as well as passports when I am overseas

overthehill - pml, what a palava

Do you like your surname, independently of the family history stuff, but as your name?

But all these points are so valid, and I really don't want a different name to my child. I'm the one who's carrying it, after all!

exactly! I do not understand why so many women are apparently happy to be written out of their child's formal identity in this way.

My surname is part of who I am, but I had my ExH's name when I used to be married, changed back when we got divorced. I can't say I feel or felt particularly sentimental about it either way.

Edam, I think that's exactly the point I'm trying to make, in my own confused little way.