Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I don't know what to do about my baby's surname

42 replies

surnamedilemma · 05/11/2008 22:54

I have namechanged for this.

My DP and I are expecting a baby, but we are not married. Neither of us was particularly bothered, we've both been there before. He is more against it than I am though, to be honest I'm starting to feel like I would actually be over the moon if he were to propose...!

Baby's surname. It's always been presumed that the baby will take his surname. I am beginning to feel increasingly "left out" by this. I will be the only one with a different surname. It just feels strange that we will be a family, yet I will be different.

Now, I don't want to put pressure on him to feel like he HAS to propose, I would hate to get married just for the sake of a name. The baby could take MY name, but then DP would feel left out, and I'm not sure he wouldn't feel like I was only suggesting it to get him to propose anyway. The combination of our surnames just sounds stupid as a double-barrelled name. I don't want to change mine by deed poll either, that just seems a little bit daft, like a cop-out.

I just want to know what to do for the best! Anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

chunkychips · 05/11/2008 23:19

but why should the father be written out of their child's formal identity?

SlartyBartFast · 05/11/2008 23:20

if you give baby both surnames then you have a choice, if you do get married or change your mind you can re-register or just drop one

Original poster

surnamedilemma · 05/11/2008 23:20

He shouldn't!

OP posts:

Original poster

surnamedilemma · 05/11/2008 23:21

(Sorry, "he shouldn't" was directed at chunkychips).

OP posts:

eclectech · 05/11/2008 23:21

Having a different surname makes no difference to their child's formal identity; that comes from their birth certificate where it makes no difference what your surname is.

MERLYPUSS · 05/11/2008 23:24

My two have OH's surname as a middle name. We both have VERY long surnames but I am the last in the line of XXXX's (My dad had girls only, he is the only boy) and my boys will do their bit to carry the XXXX name on. OH has a brother so his name wont dissapear.

WundaWuman · 05/11/2008 23:24

My DD2 has double barrelled. I sprung it on DP at the very last minute... literally just before we set off to the registry office! DD1 is from previous relationship and has ny name - so it could have been like two separate families - me and DD1, DD2 and DP. I've figured that if we do ever get married, then DD2 can 'drop' my name (it's doesn't matter too much exc official things) or I can go double barrelled too! That saved the wedding question coming up again!

Chaotica · 05/11/2008 23:31

My two have my name, but only because DP doesn't like his name (might have been different otherwise). I'd have been sad to let them both have his name, but I did offer when we got to DC2 just to check he was ok with letting another chance go by. (He was.)

I'd have suggested the middle name or double-barrelled name options if I'd had to.

chunkychips · 05/11/2008 23:33

what does your dp say? is it him who's assuming it will have his name?

echt · 06/11/2008 07:53

I'm married and use my own name at all times. When I was pg there was no way I was ever going to let my name go, for entirely political reasons, and was happy for double-barrelled. OH didn't feel the result was euphonious so we settled for my name for girls, his for the boys.
I'm sure it could be pointed out that my surname is a man's name, but you have to start somewhere.

cheerfulvicky · 06/11/2008 08:07

I was in exactly the same situation as you. We went for his surname, because a) it was already double barreled, so we couldn't combine both of our names without it looking silly and b) his surname would have died out otherwise, and as we had a son and I quite liked my DP's surname, it seemed a nice thing to do.
My son has my surname as one of his middle names though, so it's sort of there if he wants to use it unofficially one day - if he chooses.

PuppyMonkey · 06/11/2008 08:14

My two dds have my partner's surname and it has never bothered me at all. His name is much more interesting than mine, that's all. But I wouldn't want to change my surname to his either (not even if we were married, actually).

My happy healthy kids are my kids no matter what their surname. There are much bigger things in life to worry about.

WhirlingStirling · 06/11/2008 09:58

I am married but never took h's surname - didn't see any reason to - was quite happy with my own name.

When we had the dc we just double-barrelled the names. I know this doesn't always work but it sounds ok for us.

The dc think it is quite normal for mummy and daddy to have separate surnames and theirs is a combination.

It actually annoys me that men assume the dc should automatically take their surname.

lingle · 06/11/2008 10:22

I'm married, kept my own name, have two sons, gave them husband's name.

I have experienced no practical problems whatsoever in having a different surname to my children in six years.

It's entirely an emotional issue.

I have never been mistaken for a stepmum but think that DH would be mistaken for a stepdad quite often if the boys didn't have his name. But what's right for us may not be right for you!

HRHSaintMamazon · 06/11/2008 10:24

my dc's have double barrel. Mine then his.

his is used on a day to day basis but mine is in there too.

tillytips · 06/11/2008 16:19

We had our kids outside of marriage, but i had always said that when i got married i would not change my name, we agreed that i would become double barreled if we ever got married.
When the kids were born they took both of our names, their dads's first and mine the second part.
When we married three years later i became double barreled as well, so now hubby is the one out. Sometimes i use only his name, for work i use my full name.
However i do notice that if he writes anything for the kids (filling in forms etc) he only uses his name.
My sister who is not married is the odd one out as her kids have taken their dads name, however most of the time she gets called Mrs p anyway.
I don't really care to be honest, i just hope that when my kids get married they don't insist on keeping their own names as well or we could have triple barreled surnames!! that would be a bit silly

EightiesChick · 06/11/2008 23:27

I was also adamant about keeping my own name when me and DH got married. Now we are expecting our 1st DC and, perhaps surprisingly, I am happy for s/he to have DH's surname rather than mine. Maybe it's to do with being married (is that part of it, OP, even if you say it isn't?) but also I figure, the DC is coming out of me - I will never have any doubts about them being mine, so what does the name matter? Double barrelling is a good solution if you like it but personally I'm not keen (I also worry about the prospect of triple- and quadruple-barrelling for the next generation!) so it will be DH's surname only.

I am expecting to be called 'Mrs DH' a lot at nursery, schools etc. and tbh will just go with the flow on that, although I have not officially changed my name on anything, so in all legal/official senses I use my own name.

For this situation, while I understand the need for romance and all that, I think it would be worth trying to discuss getting married with him, along the lines of 'I would really like us all to have the same name, and we are going to be a family, so how about we take the plunge and get married before DC arrives?' If it's important to you, given that a baby's on the way, I would ask directly. The wedding itself can provide the romance!

I have said on anoher thread on this topic that IMO, when one partner wants to marry and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't should be the person to give in (though sadly it seems to go the other way much more often). In my view, if it's 'just a piece of paper' etc etc. in the way reluctant types often say, then why NOT do it, as 'just a piece of paper' wouldn't be much to you but would make your partner happy?

Flip

1 2