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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just returned from Holiday from hell.

70 replies

complicated · 05/11/2008 14:11

We've just got back from Florida and what an awful time we had.
Things were not right before we went but we were hoping the holiday would refresh us and make things better. How wrong.

Basically when we got there the stupid car company had messed up and we didn't have a car to get to the hotel. After an hour or so of messing around we finally managed to get on and got to the hotel hot, sticky, sweaty, tired and very, very arsey.

DH started being a bastard straight away. HE wanted to do this and HE wanted to do that, the rest of us basically had to put up and shut up.

Anyway the major incident that sealed it all was that I wanted to go to Miami. He didn't. He had the car so either we both went, or nobody went. It erupted into a massive row where he eventually decided I could be a selfish bitch and go so we drove down there. 2 hours to get there. When we got their we parked up and went for some lunch. When we got back to the car, the window had been smashed and the glove box raided etc.

DH went off on one at me saying it was all my fault, I should never have insisted on going to miami as its crime ridden etc etc. All the while we're getting VERY dodgy looks of a group of 'young men' who looked very much like gang members. They could have been the ones that had done it, I don't know. In the end, I walked away and said I'd meet him back there in half an hour. He kept the kids with him.

When I went back, he'd gone. Car and everything, gone. I phoned him and he said "you hate my company so much, see how you manage on your own".

I had no money, just a credit card. So I walked around completely clueless, lost, hot, headache ... an OBVIOUS tourist. Finally managed to find a hire car company, after faffing around for over an hour I managed to hire a car for a one way drop off. So I got the car, tried to drive out of miami and got lost. Ended up in a dodgy as hell neighbourhood, was so bloody frightened of where I was, looking around me that I bumbped into the back of a car at a traffic light.

The bloke dived out of the car absolutely livid calling me an english snob etc and I was terrified. I tried explaining the insurance would pay up but he wouldn't have it. I tried to call the police and he took my mobile off me and smashed it onto the floor. Then 2 other men got out of his car. I honestly thought I'd had it.

The psycho man then said to me I could either stand there are be a target practice for them for walk away and leave the car and my bag in it.

I chose to walk away and lost everything.

Very long story short, we're now back home and he hasn't even apologised, is just acting all smiles as if everyone had a great time.

I could have been killed and he doesn't give a shit, just says they were probably just trying to scare me.

OP posts:
more · 05/11/2008 15:37

By the way I really don't think that you walking out on your family in the first place was a good idea.
I actually think I would be mightly angry if my husband had walked away declaring he would be back in half an hour leaving me in a foreign country, to deal with a broken into car, and the children, standing right next to a group of "dodgy" people.

I am not sure your husband is the only one to blame here!!??

StubbleMyChin · 05/11/2008 16:26

ffs. as a DH myself, it has left a bad taste in my mouth. I cannot accept the total disregard for his family. I have on occasion visited miami and have found it quite imposing myself. Regardless of any 'mid life crisis' I would have to generally agree with the posts, of 'is this a relationship you would want to stay in'.

VinegarTits · 05/11/2008 16:43

Blimey more thats a bit harsh, regargless of whether she should have walked away or not, he left her there, she rang him and he told her, 'see how you like it on your own' what a total wanker

more · 05/11/2008 16:49

Sorry I fail to see what is harsh about my post, honestly!!??
I never said that I thought it was a good idea that he left, and I never said that his behaviour was acceptable.
Do you honestly think that it was a good idea that she at that particular time of their holiday in the middle of a crisis should walk away?

DivaSkyChick · 05/11/2008 16:57

Either way, I'd file for divorce. That's unreasonable behavior if ever there was.

He needs to understand that you are serious or his emotional abuse will escalate.

Honestly, it sounds like he wants you to leave him anyway.

DivaSkyChick · 05/11/2008 16:58

Oh and I do hope you are telling people in RL what happened. Everyone should know what a wanker he is. If you don't tell, he will make up some story that makes him look good.

VinegarTits · 05/11/2008 17:00

No i dont, but i dont think he should have stood there blaming her for the car being broken into, he sounds like a tosser, i would have walked away too, if only to calm down.

But we can argue all night saying well she shouldnt have done this and he shouldnt have done that, but i honetly think he acted very badly, much worse than she did, and he put her in danger.

slayerette · 05/11/2008 17:05

Yes, it was unreasonable of him to act as he did, but I do see more's point here. If it was, as you say, a dodgy area - why did you walk away from him alone in the first place - presumably while the dodgy looking group of possible gang members were still hanging around? Weren't you frightened that they might follow you?

And what were your poor kids doing while this was going on?

OK, he shouldn't have left you. But you walked out on him first and left him to deal with the vandalised car and (presumably) some scared kids.

TheGreatScootini · 05/11/2008 17:09

Crikey.I would be annoyed if DH left me in the middle of our town here and buggered off with the car, never mind in downtown Miami!

From what you've said,you shouldnt stay in this marriage OP.Sorry.
How did he explain to the kids where you were after he left you in Miami?Surely they were a bit worried?Not fair on them for his behaviour to affect them like that, and I fear that he will carry on like this (if he's not even slightly sorry).Not a great example for the DC's and not fair on you.

more · 05/11/2008 17:10

...and I never said that he should have blamed her. I agree that his behaviour was completely unacceptable, and I would probably have gone for the option of changing the locks whilst he was at work myself if my husband behaved the way he does.

However one person doing something wrong does not excuse the other person doing something wrong as well.

I could have accepted her walking away as the sensible option if they had been in their home town (maybe even in the town where they were staying), but not in this situation. Her kids must have been scared.

VinegarTits · 05/11/2008 17:12

More i never said that you said 'that he should have blamed her'

Fecking ell we could be here all night

MrsMattie · 05/11/2008 17:14

God, what a horrible story. You poor thing.

more · 05/11/2008 17:17

No not all night I am at work and have only got 15 more minutes before I am hitting the road

Upwind · 05/11/2008 17:19

More has a point.

I was once in a situation where I found myself stranded alone in Philadelphia, I checked myself in to the nearest holiday inn for the night, and took a Greyhound bus out in the morning to avoid trying to navigate in an unfamiliar city.

You had choices, you walked off and left him to deal with the car and the kids. You had choices as to what to do, you chose to hire the car and unfortunately got lost, rear ended a car and got car jacked.

Of course your DH was an arse to leave you there, but you were not on speaking terms and you had gone off by yourself. Sounds like, at a minimum you need relate.

mumof2fabkids · 05/11/2008 23:00

What a cold, heartless bastard. Kids must have been terrified. OK, not a good idea for you to leave, but any decent man would have gone after you, if only to try to stop a bad situation becoming even worse, he should not have bloody well drove off. I dread to think what could have happened to you, it was a foolish thing to do. It sounds like he really doesn't care at all. What will you do? You can't stay in this so called relationship it sounds like it's over for him, and dragging it out will only make his even more nasty and cruel, and you and the kids will suffer even more.

morningpaper · 05/11/2008 23:03

Why do you stay together?

Do you have a therapist or counsellor? Because your experience was very shocking and it might be helpful to have an outlet to talk through your emotions when they surface.

QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 05/11/2008 23:07

But, you said you left him? Did you just expect him to stay by the car with a smashed window, in a dodgy neighbourhood, with the kids, for thirty minutes??

Dior · 05/11/2008 23:10

Message withdrawn

Alexa808 · 06/11/2008 03:25

OMG!! You are indeed lucky to be alive -unraped if I may add. Miami has 'pockets' where you can just do a wrong turn and end up in gangland.

To be fair to your H, I think you must've clearly had an off-day to leave your 2 dc and your H in a bad neighbourhood with a gang of youths nearby and a raided car. Your poor children!! They must've been so frightened

That does however not excuse your H leaving you behind in a foreign town.

I would suggest councelling for both of you, alone and together to see if you can sort out your differences. Please don't take this the wrong way, butt you both sound very self-absorbed in your quarrels totally oblivious what it does to your children.

Upwind · 06/11/2008 09:32

I think a lot of posters are being very hard on your DH. Yes, he sounds like an arse, but so do you. Why did you insist on a four hour drive to Miami with your whole family when there was nothing for them there? You could have made sensible arrangements to go there by yourself, or as part of an organised tour.

Also you seem to be entirely blaming your DH for the awful fright you got, in a situation you put yourself into. He did not organise the car-jacking, and if you came back accusing him of it being his fault, it is hardly surprising he has not apologised and is playing down the drama of the incident.

moyasmum · 06/11/2008 09:50

upwind - What!

Upwind · 06/11/2008 09:55

moyasmum - do you think the OP should take no responsibility for her own predicament then? If the roles were reversed and her DH strode off in a huff leaving her with the dc and a broken car being eyed up by an apparant gang, and was later car-jacked on his way out of Miami would it still be his fault? If so, you seem to assume that women are less capable than men.

She and her DH both sound like arses.

arcticlemming · 06/11/2008 10:02

I'm sorry you had such a terrifying experience and your husband's actions were inexcusable, but from your description it could easily have been your husband and children who were placed in a frightening position or worse. You walked off leaving them in a very vulnerable position. Being a man does not make you any safer in these situations, and I think you acted very irresponsibly as well. Your DH must have been very concerned for his and the DCs safety.
I think you both need to think about how you manage conflict, and how it affects your children.

morningpaper · 06/11/2008 10:07

agree with upwind

in the nicest possible way

moyasmum · 06/11/2008 10:08

upwind-
see where you are going with this ,but even if you were having a barney with the bloke and HE walked off, you left to move the kids to a better area,then he called ,surely you would not leave him?

You are in a foreign country ,parents ,you should be each others back up- you cant abrigate sensible responsibility for each other,even when you argue.
This is not about being male or female , this is about being a grown up .

op,s h seems to be a repeated aggressive liability, maybe the best thing to do is bite the bullet know and split, for the good of the kids.