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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel used, stupid, embarrassed, confused, is this email ok?

40 replies

HaveToGoAnonForThis · 04/11/2008 17:01

I 'met' a man online 2 months ago. Since then we have been messaging, emailing and then phone calling and texting. We were due to meet in person this weekend and go out for a meal.

Then I got THIS email:
---

Who the hell do you think you are fucking around with a married man? I know what you're upto as I have read your emails and texts. People like you need to be fucking shot, you think you can just swan around and wade into a family and break it apart with no consideration for the wife or the children who's DADDY you are messing around with.
Fuck off and find a man of your own you pathetic piece of shit. If you contact him again, WE will go to the police and have you for harrassment.
-----

I feel so shit. I had no idea at all that he was married yet I'm made to feel like some kind of whore/home wrecker who set out to hurt everyone. I'm so confused as everything he has told me must have been a lie but he seemed so nice and genuine and what would have happened if she hadn't noticed before we met??

I've wrote a reply, don't know whether to send it or not:

------

I 100% understand why you are so upset and angry but I had NO IDEA that he was married. As far as I knew (from what he told me) you had been divorced for two years. You had custody of the kids, he saw them every weekend and you two hardly spoke at all anymore. If I'd known, I would not have got involved at all.

I am sorry to have been involved in this. I'm just glad I now know the truth before we actually met. He lied to me too.

----

Should I send it? are all men on dating sites like this? I'm so fed up and angry, nothing ever seems to go right and I feel like everyone just treats me like a joke.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 17:04

tbh i wouldnt answer and just block him from everything and move on

luckily you havent met or got more involved so i think that is the way to deal with it

and no they arent all like that on dating sites but QUITE A FEW ARE MARRIED and so you need to be aware they could be

it isnt your fault so put it down to experience

i met my bf on pof and he is lovely so try again

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 04/11/2008 17:05

You poor thing, what a horrible thing to happen. Firstly, you are in no way at fault, if you didn't know he was married then you are a victim as much as his wife is.

Secondly, I think your answer sounds very dignified and polite. You have to consider the possibility that she may not believe you, but that's not within your control. So you may send it and get more abuse back, or no answer at all. Just be prepared for that.

good luck.

Squitten · 04/11/2008 17:08

I wouldn't bother replying to that - she won't believe you and you'll just get another abusive one back. Her emphasis on the "WE" suggests that the dopey mare will probably be staying with this waste of space so consider yourself well shot of him and move on!

stillstanding · 04/11/2008 17:09

But how do you know that the email is correct? It may be some horrible vindicative cow of an ex. Perhaps call him to find out what is going on? Or am I being too naive ...

Miyazaki · 04/11/2008 17:09

I would send:

I had NO IDEA that he was married. He told me he had been divorced for two years. You had custody of the kids, he saw them every weekend and you two hardly spoke at all anymore. If I'd known, I would not have got involved at all.

I am sorry to have been involved in this. I'm just glad I now know the truth before we actually met. I will never contact him again.

And I would change my email address/bar his mobile number.

If she emails you like that again I would tell her that you are going to seek legal advice.

Poor you.

AuntieMaggie · 04/11/2008 17:09

OMG how awful. I would send the email if only to let her know what he's saying.

Squitten · 04/11/2008 17:10

BTW, I met my DH online and we've been together for 7 years, married for 1 year and have just had our first child - there are decent men out there!

AuntieMaggie · 04/11/2008 17:11

Even if it is a vindictive ex be glad you're not involved!

Ispy · 04/11/2008 17:12

Don't answer the email. It's not your battle to fight. If it's genuine then the author of the email should be taking up the fight with the 'married man' and not you.

Agree with ZT and block everything from him from now on.

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 17:12

it sounds like she wants to blame you so that she can justify to herself that it want really his fault

so if you reply and try to put it back correctly then shew ill probably write you abuse and you will get nmore upset

least said quickest forgotten

BalloonSlayer · 04/11/2008 17:18

What Miyazaki says. But I would add a line saying that I am revolted by what he has done and that she is welcome to him.

(That's because I couldn't leave it and not reply to a venomous mail like that).

But def close email account etc so that any further message she sends bounces back at her.

elfsmum · 04/11/2008 17:18

had a friend who this happened to.

she didn't respond to the DW she forwarded the email to him and told him he had lied, and she was blocking him, and if she ever had contact from either him or his DW again she would tell her the truth and she would seek legal advice.

she heard nothing again.

hope this works out for you

EightiesChick · 04/11/2008 17:22

I would send it. She may not believe you, or make herself think she doesn't believe you, but she needs to know what sort of man she's married to. It's all too easy just to blame the woman in these scenarios. You haven't done anything wrong so don't see why you should carry the can.

It might be worth adding a bit to say you will not be contacting him again and in fact you do not expect to hear from either of them ever again. If you do then get any further contact then yes, seek advice/go to the police just to protect yourself.

Stillstanding is right, you don't know for sure that this is actually true. However, if you don't hear from him again, you've probably got your answer. If she is a psycho ex, a decent man would contact you to explain and be able to show his credibility.

Not everyone on the internet is a fraud, but let's face it, it's easier to deceive online. The kind of contact you've been having makes it potentially easy for him to do that - emailing and texting can be done pretty surreptitiously. Did you have a landline no for him or only a mobile? Suspicious if the latter. Also, think about what days/times he was available to speak to you and if that indicates he might have had a partner around at others times (ie main part of evenings). For future relationships, my advice would be to try to meet people in person sooner rather than later - it's not foolproof but you get a better vibe for how genuine they are IMO. And definitely ask for a landline number. You could even call at an unexpected time just to check if you are suspicious. But don't let this put you off altogether; there are decent men out there.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 17:25

Elf's suggestion seems good to me.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible experience.

MurderousMarla · 04/11/2008 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 17:28

i would also say that two months is much too long to wait to meet someone more like two or three weeks or you are investing time and effort into something that very likely wont be of any interest

deepinlaundry · 04/11/2008 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hauntedcitylover · 04/11/2008 17:29

TBH the email says alot about her and the fact she is the blame the OW entirely type of woman and maybe a bit challenged in the intelligence department.

I hate that sort of fishwife reaction.

How did he explain to her he was online and what's all the we business. He has clearly spun her a line that you were chasing him when that wasn't true.

I would have to reply if it was me and what about copying the bloke. Or maybe that's going to far.

Saturn74 · 04/11/2008 17:32

I would let it go and ignore any further contact from either of them.
You have no need to explain anything or apologise.
Leave them alone to argue with each other.

Hobnobfanatic · 04/11/2008 17:51

Poor you. Was it through a dating site that you met him? If so, in addition to all the advice above, I'd report him to the site, so he can't mess around anyone else.

Personally, I'd send your reply - I hate not having my say and would feel the need to defend myself! Then I'd not reply to anything else and block all contact.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 17:54

Good point about reporting him to the website.

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 18:10

im not sure reporting to the website would be owrhtwhile..it is pretty m,uch commponplace i dont think you have to be single to be on one..do you?

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 18:14

Maybe you don't - and some sites/agencies specifically cater for married people - but don't you think the site would be interested in/concerned about the lying? It's one thing to be upfront about being a married man looking for a little hanky-panky but it's different again to pretend to be divorced when you're not. There's probably some point of contract law here, with the 'goods' not being as advertised!

zippitippitoes · 04/11/2008 18:18

i dont think they would be interested i mean there is a whole what is truth and lies

most people date while still married and before their divorce

SquidgyBrain · 04/11/2008 18:54

I would send the message - possibly with the additions the other posters have suggested.

Well done you on staying polite to her - she sounds horrible!!