i think that my loyal husband who's been with me 18 years might be having an affair. and i don't blame him

[schmu]

i feel a bit sick and numb at the same time. we have had a dreadful month. i feel like i'm entering a period of depression. we have financial problems and a close family member has just had major surgery. and now i suddenly suspect that dh is having an affair.

he's always been so affectionate and caring towards me. my default setting, however, is rather grumpy and not very tactile. he has a higher sex drive than me and i'm aware that i often push him away when he wants a cuddle.

basically, he's a lovely dad and very caring and 'hands on'. and i'm a grumpy cow with high anxiety levels.

2 nights this week he has been on 2 hour 'walks' till past midnight. last night, when i was in bed waiting for him, the name of one of the mum's in dd2's class flashed into my head. i cant shake off the idea that they're having an affair. she and dh have seen each other twice with the children without me this week. the first was when they bumped into each other at a haloween do. the second might've been planned. not sure. she sent me a text saying how lovely the dds are...thought it was v sweet of her at the time. now am just v suspicious.

when i asked him where he'd been, he said that he'd been walking. just walking. needed to clear his head. he is incredibly stressed, atm, but i dont know if i believe him.

he said that he'd been alone, but said that no one could blame him if he did have an affair, given that hegets so little affection.

i love dh, but he is a better liar than me. just dont know what to believe. in any case, its given me a bit of a wake up call. i want to bemore affectionate but dont know how. we're in such a rut.

i feel that i could cope with an affair better than i could cope with a lie.

long. sorry. needed to vent.

any advice?

ps i am a namechanger. if anyone recognsises me from other threads, please dont 'out' me.

It's almost impossible to say for sure: it's quite likely that your DH is less affectionate than usualy because he is fed up with being rebuffed. He may be going for walks to clear his head because he feels that he can;t stay in the relationship much longer. This doesn't mean that he is having or even contemplating having sex with someone else.

If you are constantly grumpy and dislike his affectionate approaches, do you think that maybe your relationship is just not right for either of you?

Have a talk with your DH - but don;t start in wsith 'Are you having an affair, I know you are you bastard it;s her isn;t it?' - say to him that you know things have not been good lately and you think that the pair of you might benefit from some couple-counselling/relate or similar. Because it sounds like you would.

Honestly - you both are having a stressful time and nothing you have put would make me suspicious.

Yes he saw her twice but he had your children with him at the time. And wasn't at all secretive about it. Neither was she.

And a lot of people use long walks if they are really stressed out as the exercise helps and they get time on their own to think.

omg - i could have written that post a couple of years ago.

You must now work on yourself - even if your marriage is not good at the moment you will feel so much better for it.

The book that changed my life was The rules of life by richard templer.

It is simple and full of common sense 'rules' that we would all like to think we are living by but are actually kidding ourselves.

You obviously dont like being the miserable cow that you are at the moment and i too was in that rut. It is possible to get out of it. and although is a bit false at first will become easier as time passes.

I think too go with your gut feel - even if there is nothing going on with your h those alarm bells are sounding for a reason. I could not believe when the name of the person my was having an affair with popped into my head and i was right all along. It was spooky actually just how many details i had got right.

Anyway good luck and take care of yourself it may not be too late.

Completly understand about the lies too - but if he is a good liar be prepared for some shockers - there are still some things i cannot forgive my h for (the lies he told the children), but we are moving forward after his affair so it can be done.

oh solid, i do want to be with him, and i know that i will lose him if we dont sort things out soon. i think, if i'm honest, that i we have one or 2 ishoos in the bedroom depatment that have built up over the years. as i say, i dont blame him...

not sure about counselling. think i am just going to have to give myself a metaphorical shake and think about his needs a bit more.

having the children in tow does not stop the emotional ties being made, men who are in an affair really would not even think in the same way - believe me - my h's normal rational way of thinking completly disappeared and was replaced by a selfish twat who didnt care who got hurt by what he was doing.
In fact the ow actually commented on how she found him attractive because he was a good dad so having the children can be an advantage - especially if her h is not so hands on.

Yes thats the answer 'think about his needs more' and i bet you will 'improve' yourself along the way too. Because you will become more of the person you want to be instead of this cow you say you have become.

Counselling is good too though.

happywoma, thankyou for taking the time to write such a heartfelt post. means alot x

armadillo, i just thought that he might have gone round to her place. i rang him before midnight. he didnt pick up. then rang me back and it was v quiet- no background noise. then when he got home he said he couldnt get the phone aout of hie pocket and was calling from a busy part of town. yet it was v quiet... am trying not to be an accusing shreaking banshee.

omg happyw. dh is just the best dad ever. so playful and funny. and she is gorgeous and spent sunday pm plying very pally games with my 6yo. tbh, i thought the level of interest in dd was a little odd before this thought even ocurred to me. then dh said 'i think X would really like to haver a daughter, from the way she was chatting to dd'...god, am feeling sick again.

i have a theory that if soemone is having an affair, they might talk very freely about the person in question as a sort of bluff or smokescreen or even to convince themselves they are not being secretive.

what dyou think of my theory?

what about my theory?? does he sound more or less guilty, with this in mind?

Just my opinion, but if he's been walking for a couple of hours, could he really just need to clear his head? Plus, if the woman you think he may be having an affair with has young DC's, she isn't exactly going to want a man coming in at midnight?

I think if you're going to have an affair, you would cover your tracks a bit better.

she has one child.

i guess that the going for a walk explanation is quite plausible one, logically speaking, as dh does love to walk. i cant explain it, i just have a hunch. i have never doubted him ever before. not even slightly. in 18 years. rang up mum in tears this morning. she said it made her feel sick, too. think her reaction has made me worry more, tbh.

annie, good ideas, but he's a fanatastic blagger and i cant even figure out MY phone

Go with your instincts, but please don't go looking for evidence as it will make your head spin. Innocent things can be misconstrued and when trust breaks down, it's really really difficult to repair.

I hope this is just a rough patch....

Personally I think you are over reacting. It is almost as if you want him to have an affair. It sounds to me like you are constantly pushing him away and he has started to become lonely and worried about your relationship, hence the long walks to clear his head.

What is that is making you 'a grumpy old cow' with him? Can you change how you feel? Is it your relationship or is it how you feel about yourself?

I ask only because I too am a right grumpy old cow most of the time with dh and he too starts to feel pushed out. He then goes for long runs. I can pinpoint my issues as being hormonal and need to sort it out.

Have you tried to sit him and down ask him what is bothering him enough to make him want to take long walks late at night?

ilovemydog, i know what you mean about trust. i just wish i could say 100% that i believe him. so sad that i can't. he's a very good man, but is a bit of a bullshitter- which is part and parcel of being a successful businessman in his field. i just wish i could tell when he's bullshitting me. we are v different. he is a popular, fun person. but i think i am more honest and have slightly more integrity, tbh.

i dont want him to be having an affair, the master. what makes you say that?

he is self employed and we are being hit hard by the financial crisis. he has got himself a bit out of his depth, business wise (usually v successful) and we have a cash flow crisis. shouldve explained this better in my OP.niether of us are coping with this well. the stress alone could be causing a degree of motional withdrawal on both our parts, i guess.

schmu, I have a little experience in this area and I think your theory about the conversation is right
I don't know about the your suspicion.. I would trust your instincts and further investigate because to me it seems like they may have found that they do like each other on more than an acceptable basis.. he may have gone for a walk to talk on the phone.. they may be having some emotional contact.. don't know about actual affair though that doesn't sound that likely
x

the master, its to do with how i feel about myself, not the relationship. think i am a bit dysfunctional, tbh. poor dh.

Is she married?

Let's think about this logically. Do you honestly think that he is meeting her in those two hours for a quickie? If so, what does she tell her dh? Or if she isn't married, what does she do with her child?

It's not very plausible is it?

My dh often goes out walking in the dark. Just walking. At first I was suspicious - who wants to just walk around in the dark? But now I know that it's his way of dealing with stress.

I don't think it's your dh's supposed affair you need to be thinking about. You are getting yourself all worked up and being even more grumpy thinking about what might be happening. I hate to do this, but I think you need a bit of tough love here. Stop playing the martyrdom card. You've had a shit time, but so are a lot of other people. Look around you on Mumsnet, there are loads of people suffering depression and having dire financial problems - read OJs thread. Give yourself a good kick up the arse.

Do you work? What do you do during the day? How can you boost your self esteem? Arrange a night out. Can your mum babysit whilst you and dh go out to dinner? TALK TO HIM! Mumsnet is great for getting this stuff out into the open, but the MAIN reason marriages fall apart is because communication has ceased. You love your dh, he loves you, so why the hell can't you talk to him and tell him how you feel? He's not going to be angry about your suspicions - he'll probably feel touched that you care at least!

You need to examine your priorities. Sort yourself out. Easier said than done I know, but you are spending all your energy moping about feeling sorry for yourself and imagining you in this victim role. Stop that. It's not logical. If you want to stop being a "grumpy cow" as you put it, then start today. You have one life, so grab it with both hands and start living.

rhubarb, she's a single parent and her child wouldve been asleep. that said, you've spoken alot of sense.

will try to do that annie.