i think that my loyal husband who's been with me 18 years might be having an affair. and i don't blame him

[schmu]

i feel a bit sick and numb at the same time. we have had a dreadful month. i feel like i'm entering a period of depression. we have financial problems and a close family member has just had major surgery. and now i suddenly suspect that dh is having an affair.

he's always been so affectionate and caring towards me. my default setting, however, is rather grumpy and not very tactile. he has a higher sex drive than me and i'm aware that i often push him away when he wants a cuddle.

basically, he's a lovely dad and very caring and 'hands on'. and i'm a grumpy cow with high anxiety levels.

2 nights this week he has been on 2 hour 'walks' till past midnight. last night, when i was in bed waiting for him, the name of one of the mum's in dd2's class flashed into my head. i cant shake off the idea that they're having an affair. she and dh have seen each other twice with the children without me this week. the first was when they bumped into each other at a haloween do. the second might've been planned. not sure. she sent me a text saying how lovely the dds are...thought it was v sweet of her at the time. now am just v suspicious.

when i asked him where he'd been, he said that he'd been walking. just walking. needed to clear his head. he is incredibly stressed, atm, but i dont know if i believe him.

he said that he'd been alone, but said that no one could blame him if he did have an affair, given that hegets so little affection.

i love dh, but he is a better liar than me. just dont know what to believe. in any case, its given me a bit of a wake up call. i want to bemore affectionate but dont know how. we're in such a rut.

i feel that i could cope with an affair better than i could cope with a lie.

long. sorry. needed to vent.

any advice?

[jasper]

my advice.
Go with the feelings of real affection you describe.

You may never know the truth about what has or has not happened but you are very wise in identifying your own part in this ( being distant and not affectionate)

Work on the bits you have the power to change

[schmu]

but what if he's confessing to half of it jsut to throw me off the scent? he's been caught out with his lying, but is it likely he is cocealing more from me? would he be affectionate if there was someone else?...maybe- if he has decided to ditch her and give us another go. will i ever know the truth, i wonder...

[doggiesayswoof]

Just seen this thread

I think your update sounds positive. I would be hurt - he's confiding in someone else - but he has opened up to you.

you say he's a good liar. Does your instinct tell you he's telling the truth, ie it is not an affair?

Sounds like you can move forward from here though, especially if you're feeling closer.

I'll check back but I have to go and stop neglecting dh now...

[schmu]

but when i tell him that i'm still not sure what to believe anymore, he tells me that he's told me all there is to know and gets really exasperated with me.

he even had the cheek to be cross with me when i got back from work. said that he'd got really wound up thinking about all the people i'd told.

we went to fireworks tonight with the woman i originally suspected. he was chatting openly with her. dyou think if there was something going on, he'd have been more likely to ignore her?

its so hard. since his 'confession' he's generally been much more tuned in and affectionate towards me. just dont know what to believe, or how to get to the whole truth.

[NotanOtterOHappyDay]

just read this schmu and am hoping things are on the up

i too am trying really hard to be less of a grump and more loving
imo it helps to take a step back and thing of the 'if only i had....' scenarios WERE the marriage to be in jeopardy

i am no walkover bu do feel better about myself for trying to empatjise with dp more

works for both of us

keep us informed x

[swiftyknickers]

sorry schmu-looks like yourinstincts were right.I doubt he has just been 'confiding and co-counselling' with another woman.

But it sounds like you can both learn from it and move forwards.

XXX

[macdoodle]

hmmmm??????
Go with your instinct IME it is very rarelt wrong - men lie and lie and lie when they are having an affair and change from the man you thought they were!

[schmu]

bump

[schmu]

'too'

[schmu]

ps, it wasnt the woman i thought it was, btw.

[schmu]

HW and lila, thanks.

just popping in to update you all...

i found out that he does have a female confidante and that my instincts were right, to a degree. he has lied to me and acted v v suspiciously (eg he deleted the call history from his phone.) i found this out at 6am on wednesday, then had to go and teach all day. what a day! felt like i'd been hit by a truck!

he has taken away the trust that i used to take for granted and i feel very hurt. he 'assures' me that it is just a friend, with whom he has had a sort of 'co counselling' relationship. he said he lied because he knew it wouldnt 'look good'.

on the other hand, he has also been very loving and caring since this revelation. and this is a stark contrast to the distant feeling we've had for the last few weeks. i've also, bizarrely, got a lot of compassion for him atm, and suddenly am seeing how rejected i must have made him feel.

as i said, i am still hurt and full of doubt...what more has he yet to confess? but strangely, i feel real affection for him to.

am feeling in limbo.
tis very odd

[lilacclaire]

Right, have not read all the posts but here is my take on it.

I don't think that your dh is having an affair.
I do think that he has become closer to this other woman and it has dawned on him that he COULD have an affair, or the possibility may be there.
I don't think he actually wants to have an affair, just for you to maybe not rebuff him quite as often and maybe be a bit cheerier.
I think that's what he meant with his comment.
She will be all sweetness and light and of course your the grumpy cow, it may have got him thinking.

These are only my thoughts and i am in no way an expert or have much experience about these matters, also don't really have a solution other than try and talk more with your dh (in a nice manner) and maybe make more of an effort in the bedroom.
Also, don't take anything i've said personally, i certainly don't mean to offend.

[HappyWoman]

Dont beat yourself up about it either - we have all felt like you at some point.
Let me know how you get on with the book.

[HappyWoman]

no its really lighthearted and basically common sense really. It sort of becomes a game too.
It is set out as 'rules' but they are not strict in anyway.

The one i remeber is to treat your partner like your best friend. That really struck a chord with me.

Another one is to alway be the first to say sorry. Not to admit you are wrong (god forbid) but to say you are sorry that you cannot agree with the arguement getting out of hand.
It really did make me feel more powerful.

When my h was 'stressed' (thats what i thought and he lead me to believe), i would be nice and say 'sorry you had such an awful day' and make him a cup of tea or something.

It may sound like you are being weak but it made me look at the way i was being towards him and helped me change.
I am not a walkover but like to think i treat everyone with respect even those that are unwilling/incapable of giving it back to me. iyswim

I do feel i am a better person all round because of it and if my marriage does fail then some other lucky fella will benifit.

[schmu]

happywoman, i may just order that book. i looked at it on line. did you have to follow the advice through gritted teeth?

[schmu]

thanks rhubarb x

[Rhubarb]

Hmmm, I find the holidays tough too. I tend to read the local papers and on occasion, venture into (shhhhh) Netmums to find out what's on locally.

I'm in a new area and I don't know many other mums yet, but I do prefer my own company at times and don't mind doing things with the kids on my own, so long as there are things to do.

You'll feel better once you go back(Wed is it?). But you do need to plan, plan and plan some more. If you know the hols are a nightmare then make sure that every day has something written in it for you to do.

Look on the internet now for cheap weekend deals. I know you said money is tight, but could you afford even a night in a Premier Inn - they have some special rates at this time of year. Have one night away with your dh.

He needs to know that you still care about him, but you can't show him that because you don't even care about yourself. So start feeling good about yourself again and the rest will follow.

[schmu]

rhubarb, i teach part time and have found half term really tough. its been hard trying to give the dc a nice time feeling like this. and i've isolated myself by not pursuing the half -made plans that i had with friends to mmet up. i am a fool. i will give myself that shake that i mentioned earlier.

thankyou

[Themasterandmargaritas]

It must difficult sometimes to switch the worry off but you must try to switch it off once in a while, put it away in a box just for a night..

Why not try to rearrange with the girls? If you want to keep costs down have them round, everyone brings a dish and a bottle and have a good laugh. Or make an effort with dh for one night, dc in bed early/away, nice meal, bottle or two and a good chat.

[Rhubarb]

Here and I'll bump it for you too. It has helped me, so I'm hoping it'll help you.

SEEK HELP, if you feel you cannot cope alone, there's no shame in going on ADs for a while. You wouldn't suffer chronic backache without treatment would you? So why suffer depression? It CAN be treated, so why wait?

[Rhubarb]

Well then be tough with yourself. You can't be bothered to go out with friends? Can you be bothered to save your marriage?

Even if this woman is single, can you imagine her waiting up for him and then having a quick shag whilst her child is asleep upstairs? The very fact that her child would be asleep is incredulous enough! It's too sordid - forget about it.

C'mon woman, wake up call time. You can't just sit back and accept that you're on the road to self destruction ffs! You haven't mentioned if you work or not, but I suggest you start looking. It'll ease your financial burdens and give you back your self esteem. Even if you just volunteer at the school, listening to the children reading - it gets you out, meeting other mums and teachers, you're doing a service, you are helping children, you are useful.

I'll link to a self help plan I did a while ago, hang on

[schmu]

i think its anxiety about money, which seems to be bringing about low level depression, coupled with low self esteem. maybe i do feel sorry for myself, but as a i am prone to depressive episodes, i dont always have the ability to 'snap out of it'- as dh wants me to do.

i was supposed to go out with girlfriends the other night but cancelled as i was feeling too low. i know it might have cheered me up, but i just couldnt face it. am in self detruct mode, rather than martyr mode, perhaps.

[HuwEdwards]

I think Rhubarb's advice is sound

[Themasterandmargaritas]

Rhubarb put it much more succintly than my meagre few words

Can you sort out what is making you feel so rubbish? Do you get the chance for any exercise? Do you have any time to yourself, to recharge your batteries, make yourself feel more attractive both for yourself and for him?

First and foremost you need to open the channels of communication...

[schmu]

rhubarb, she's a single parent and her child wouldve been asleep. that said, you've spoken alot of sense.

will try to do that annie.