DP proposing MIL lives with us, I couldn't stand it

[FattipuffsandThinnifers]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this, but here goes. MIL is long-term depressed, and though is only in her early 70s is in a care home as she couldn't cope in her own house. There is a terrible family history - DP's twin brother was killed in a car accident when they were 12, his dad died 9 years ago, then his sister died of cancer 7 years ago. DP is now the only remaining child, and they have no other close relatives, MIL is an only child and FIL's relatives all live abroad.

His mum had always been prone to depression throughout her life, but understandably, these events triggered severe depression/mild psychosis, and he made the decision to put her in a home 3 years ago. She is stable, but very withdrawn and has no interest in life (not even her grandson really).

But, her depression aside, she is a very difficult person. She was really controlling of DP when growing up, and he has had a very difficult relationship with her throughout his life - mixture of guilt and resentment. This was the case before the bereavement, btw. The guilt has no doubt increased since though.

She is ultra-religious (he was brought up so but rebelled when a teenager), her life revolves around the church, and she has always disapproved of me for being non-Christian. There are many things which to me smack of hypocrisy though - I don't equate being religious with being 'good', I think being good makes you good.

She is just really really hard to be with. I am not a partiuclarly impatient person but I find even a few hours with her trying.

Our absolute dream house is on the market - slightly beyond our realistic budget. DP has just announced that he would go for it if his mum was to live with us.

He feels lots of guilt about her situation - understandably so, and I think it would ease his conscience if she were to live with us. I can understand and sympathise with this.

But this has really freaked me out - think my instinctive reaction is horror

Not only would it be a nightmare for me personally (for reasons above) I also could not cope personally with being a carer. It is just not in me. Let alone caring for someone with depression - I would feel totally unqualified to deal with this.

It would also have such huge implications for the rest of our lives. I am currently a SAHM but at some point am assuming I'll go back to work (when DS is at nursery probably). I also want another DC but DP is not sure. If we had taken on such a big financial, and emotional commitment I am sure he would be even more reluctant to have another.

I just don't know what to do - I feel terrible, really selfish and uncompassionate, but this is just not what I want for any of us, and tbh I would just hate every minute of it. Am I a horrible person? What should I do? I would much rather not have the house if it is on these terms. And part of me feels DP is emotionally manipulating me by saying this.

Sorry this is soooo long, if you have got this far, thank you for listening.

I am more in your DH's shoes regarding my mother. A lot of what you wrote could be said about mine. DON'T DO IT! It would be a huge mistake and I believe that there is a maximum number of sustained blows that a marriage can take before it shakes, even a rock solid good marriage.
I especially recognise the bit about religion and this is the hardest part to deal with because if she has spent her whole life believing that followers of a specific faith are intrinsically good and everyone else is at best misguided then she's not going to develop a live and let live attitude anytime soon.

I can see how your DH would want to do something - it would assuage his guilt - but I really think he and you would live to regret it, and probably your MIL too.

OMG - I read this and literally shook with horror. It would ruin your relationship and is a HUGE ask for anyone, let alone just causally dropping it into conversation without sitting down to discuss this mammoth proposition.

I think it would be totally the wrong decision to make, her story is very very sad but, that does not mean you should feel guilty?? You and your DH have your own family and own lives to lead. I can imagine a pressure like this could lead to a breakup of your own relationship with DH.

Nightmare - NO dream house is worth that.

Your partner has not thought this through at all has he?. This is being proposed by him to assuage his misplaced guilt and to thus make him feel better. If he were to think this through properly he would realise that the whole idea of his Mum moving in to your home is a complete non starter.

Moving someone from a care home can be extremely unsettling for that person too particularly if they have been resident there for a long time. Also the staff there may not actually be in favour of her moving out.

If he won't give up the idea easily, suggest he takes her on holiday for two weeks. They can go on the first week alone and you will join them for the 2nd week with the DC. If that doesn't make him see how it will be then nothing will. If she is like my mother then you won't even need the complications of the 2nd week to persuade him because he'll be pleading to end the holiday after just the first week. A week alone with her though will give him insight into just what he is asking of you.

Thanks again for all the replies - MN is fab!

Amygirl, interesting to read you're in a similar(ish) situation as DH. Is your advice about the holiday spoken from experience?!

No. No. No. You cannot do this.

holiday - yes experience! You think its the least you can do and you convince yourself that it might even be good then you spend the holiday just fantasising about the moment it will be over. I had a particular determination that there was a way it would be alright so I put my DH and I through it with my mother on three holidays. The first wasn't good, the second was awful and the third was hell.

Boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships are a bit like this too though, aren't they? It is one thing to go out dating and another thing to spend some solid time together when you each have expectations about the time will pass and what you will do. So they either have a great time, return home and get engaged/ married/ move in together or know that the other person is not for them.

NO no no no no no no no no. Sorry but again NO! My nan was the same as you describe your MIL, she was a complete bitch to my mum, and my dad just couldn't sever the apron strings. She lived next door to us growing up and then when I was 10 my mum and dad decided to buy their first house. They were able to buy their dream house only with my nan's help and on the condition she lived with us.

Biggest mistake my mum ever made. Not only did she completely undermine my mum all the time and intervine with us kids. My mum and dad split eventually and really it was down to my nan.

If you value your relationship and sanity DON'T DO IT!!!

Do not do it!!!!

My husband has fantasies about similar.

His mother still lives alone in the family 6 bed, neglected, falling to bits, doesn't even have central heating, 48 yr old kitchen and wiring etc (get my drift ) house. It has a granny annex which was built to house her mother for the last 10 yrs of her life.

He wants us to buy the house (he owns part of it already, it would mean paying off his sibs for their parts) and have my mil in the annex for me to look after.

His ex wife actually stated the obsession with buying that house as one of the reasons for divorce. I have told him I would rather live without him than live with him under those circumstances - I mean it too.

I looked after/nursed my alcholic mother and ended up hating her, and I quite liked her to begin with.

My MIL is a religeous nut (father was a bishop/missionary) who cannot forgive DH and I for living together and having a child before we were married - to the extent that she treats DD differently to all her cousins.

Surely if your mil is in a nursing home she will shortly have to sell off her house to pay for care.

Also if she sells off her house to give you money (and live with you) you will need to keep a fair bit back for her day care nurse.

NB A family from where I used to live accepted a big cash sum from MIL to buy theri dream house (mil was downsizing) the DH went off and the family, with 2 DC, had to sell up to pay back MIL - not suggesting for a minute that you may split.

Oh dear - do not let your Dh talk you into this BAD idea!

I would burn my house down before I let my MIL move in!!

Nope, based on your post your MIL needs professional care. That in itself would be sufficient reason imo for her to stay in the care home.

Would your DH be giving up work to care for her? How would you cope financially if he did? How would you cope financially with the extra costs? Would you care for her at home until she passed away (could be years), if not at what point would you consider a care home again? Consider the effect on your children. Consider the effect on your relationship. These are just a few of the things you would need to think about.

forget about the dream house, it sounds ridiculous

Your dp feels guilty. maybe some counselling to deal with the guilt would help. It sounds like he has had enough shit to last a whole family a lifetime, let alone one person. Help him to deal with this. I doubt he is being purposely maipulative, he most probably just feels confused and guilty

Madness to even contemplate it. It would end your marriage.

My MIL gives an interesting perspective on this. She did v similar when dh was a baby and his brother a little boy. Had to move out in the end, into really grotty horrible accommodation (damp, mould, you mention it), because the presence of her anxious and depressed MIL was affecting her little boy and she felt was turning him into quite a strange little boy. She never regretted the move.

Put it to your dh that this might permanently damage any children of yours.

Just from the point of view of caring, I looked after my own mother for a few years as she lived in our annex. With two DCs it slowly got more and more difficult as she grew steadily worse. No one can know what is involved with caring for someone full time until they have to do it.

There were times when I needed to be with the DCs but had to be with DM and vice versa. Even when we got carers in to help in the mornings when I had to be taking DCs to school, there were times when they wouldn't turn up and so it was always very stressful. Think very carefully about this, the posters here are right and the pressure is immense.

Your MIL is getting better care where she is than she would if she moved in with you. Your husband's guilt is not a sufficiently good reason to move her out of the care of professionals and into the care of someone who dislikes her (completely reasonably, I'm not taking a shot at you).

It is in HER best interests to keep things as they are. It is also in your best interests and those of your child. Your DS will suffer if you are always emotionally drained, tied to the grind of caring for someone and exhausted.

All these posts have helped so much , thank you, and make such good sense. We didn't talk about it last night, but I sense DP does know objectively that it wouldn't be the best thing to do for us. But the guilt and sense of responsibility/obligation is such a strong emotional pull on him. I think it's awful for him thinking of her rotting in a care home (she really does sit in her room and do nothing all day, every day). I'll keep this thread to refer to if/when we do talk about it again.

Thanks everyone.

It would be very bad for your child to have to deal with a mentally ill person living in the house. Apologies to people with mental health issues but it is really not ideal.

I wonder if your DP knew you would say no, and mentioned it so he could say to himself "I wanted DM to come and live with us but Fattipuffs wouldn't have it."

My MIL is frighteningly similar to yours. I love her very much. I offered a few years ago to have her live with us. DH was horrified and said no way.

I wonder how I would have felt if he had said, oh thank you darling that would be marvellous.

Needless to say I am mightily glad that DH said no, as she is now, sadly, even worse.

How far away is the care home?
Does he/you visit regularly?
If shes just sat there then yes I can see the guilt would be bad but your DH is offloading this onto you.

Its HIS mother

The dream home/selling house idea is a very sly attempt at getting you do take over the problem (and I don't like calling a person a problem but giving your current relationship with her its hardly ideal)

I'm with everyone else its a BAD idea.

I have had to contemplate living with my MIL for a year (self build house) and although I get on VERY well with her it would be an absolute nightmare and we've all agreed a cheap rental/caravan with weekend visits for decent showers is the sensible and sane option.

Get your DH to visit his mother more regularly. The holiday idea is fabulous as a reality check (sorry can't remember who suggested it)

And good luck !

unless he is going to find a way to be his mothers full time carer and be able to afford a home and enable you to maintain your privacy, I wouldn't do it.

If you do, you will be the one doing all the work, coping with his mother, whilst he's out at work all day and gets his mother in little easier to manage bits.

I take it she is being well cared for, and you all (or he) regularly visits her. In which case I would not accept the conditions attached to buying your dream house in a million years.

This is unacceptable to you, and that is fair enough.

Gobsmacked that so many men think it's their wives' jobs to look after their mothers.

Of course you're not selfish and uncompassionate, you're normal.

It hasn't even occurred to him that he should be the one to clean up her shit, has it?

Gobsmacking.

I agree with whoever said he should go to counselling to help him get rid of the guilt he's carrying. It might help his attitude to you as well.

Your dream house would become a jail

If he is feeling that guilty about his mother, and feels that she needs care in your home, then ask him why he isn't doing it and why you should.

Don't do it. Not only will it make your life miserable it will not help her and will likely destroy your relationship with your DH.