dh completely and utterly emotionally and physically distant - don't know if he is ever going to "snap out of it". Has anybody's dh ever behaved like this and got over it?

[arabella2]

We had a big argument 5 weeks ago, another argument a week later and there were 2 or 3 weeks of dh not talking to me at all. I have tried to make amends for my part in the argument and dh has progressed to talking when talked to and making the odd comment in my direction. Otherwise he is completely cold really - not touching me at all and not being at all affectionate. He lavishes affection on the kids so I know that his stress at work doesn't mean that he is unable to function with people in general, just me. The thing is, you can't actually force somebody to "like" you again can you and so in this case what am I supposed to do, just wait for him to come round which he might never do??? I kind of feel if I am very "good" then he might regain some feelings of affection but on the other hand I think this is rubbish. Feel very hurt by it because he will not discuss it either so I am left feeling a little foolish.

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I'm scared to ignore him back because I am trying to relate to him and he is incredibly pig-headed and would just thing so what which would make things worse as I am trying to fix things - there are things I don't like about the way I behaved pre the big argument. I have told him that I will not be able to continue like this forever but it does not seem to make a difference. Maybe his male pride was incredibly wounded in the argument and he can't get over it.

what a shit

he is trying to control you with emotional mind-games

don't give him the satisfaction. Have one more try at talking to him, telling him how he makes you feel when he behaves like this. Don't attack him (yet), be calm and factual.

then tell him if he persists with this controlling behaviour, you will have to seriously consider if staying in this marriage is good for your self-esteem and emotional health

sorry, would just think so what

Thing is, I agree that his behaviour is controlling and there are aspects of his character that I do not like, but we used to be a lot more affectionate than this and I am thinking that maybe this argument pushed things too far and he lost any love he had for me....

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I'm trying the light-hearted thing but that doesn't seem to work either - how long do your sulks last dior?

Is he completely ignoring you? I mean totally? Or is he just ignoring your attempts to talk about whatever it is that has made you argue?

Maybe you are pushing him too hard and shouldn't badger him to talk about whatever it is.

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I'm not trying to talk about the argument beanieb, I just try to make conversation in general. If it is about something practical he answers, if it annoys him he kind of moans - in general he has very little to say to me and talks to the kids instead plus the not touching at all - as if he were a stranger who on top of being a stranger has no inclination to be friendly.

I've got to say that I am VERY scared that we are not going to touch each other again, it really is a horrible feeling.

in that case he's very childish and I think it calls for equally childish retaliation. I would stop speaking to him too!

This isn't a healthy way to behave towards your wife...not for five weeks. It is very unpleasant, controlling, passive aggressive behaviour. Has he been like this in the past?

Point taken but worried that that will lead us into murky escalating type of waters and that will be that as far as we are concerned.

Yes MrsMattie he has behaved like this upon occasion in the past but the silence has always been broken much earlier - a few days maybe.... This time for some reason it is very serious.

He is punishing you and if you really don't know why, he needs to tell you. Otherwise he is simply being an arse.

Sorry but I think that the ignoring/stop speaking to him too approach is so wrong!!!! Me and DH went through a bad patch not that long ago and we got to the stage where we weren't talking or touching.

Maybe he thinks things have changed between you and is worried where it will end up. I would def chat to him. Even if he is in the wrong I would say sorry and say that you love him and hate the fact that you don't seem close at the moment. Say you don't want to lose him.

He may be thinking exactly the same as you and think that you are the one who has stopped touching him.

Playing the childish game could lead to the divorce courts. Put all pride aside and make him talk.

Arabella is your husband manipulative / controlling or cruel in other ways? Is he generally an angry person? Yes this behaviour is very unpleasant but there might be other reasons for it. I say this because my husband has receently been diagnosed with depression, he was very cold and distant with me but still wonderful with DS. Now he is taking steps to control his mood (time for himself, excercise and booked in for counselling) he is much better and our relationship has massively improved. Although he's still frequently down and sometimes snappy he is at least affectionate (no sex though) and tells me how he's feeling. Sorry to go on about myself, this is your thread, I just wanted to put another perspective out there. It took a huge "climb-down" from me after a number of bad fights for him to have the space to acknowledge that he was depressed. Have you felt able to talk to your husband about his feelings, rather than about his behaviour? There might still be a way out of this.

thanks toobusy I agree, you put what I wanted to say much more succinctly!

Agree controlling and unreasonable behaviour should not be rewarded with repeated attempts to gain favour. You have apologised and at this point (unless anything serious)grown ups move on, not behave like petulant children. Do not buy in to depression when the idividual can be lovely to everyone else but their partner this is called abusive and bullying and should be treated as such.

but pria, how do I treat it as such without leaving... rodformyownback thank you for telling me about your husband's depression... I'm glad things have got better but why do you think that in this situation somebody would cut their partner off - I do think my dh is depressed but he is also an angry very stubborn and kind of grandiose person - I do agree toobusy that to stop talking would be wrong but I have made several attempts at getting things back including saying that I didn't want to lose him.... I think maybe he is scared of getting close to me again in case I behave in ways which he finds difficult

sorry to hear that. In that case I do think you have to take things a step further. Perhaps say to him that things can't continue as they are. It is making you unhappy and you don't want to be unhappy.

Have you asked him if he still loves you? Or do you not dare?

I don't really dare, plus things that he doesn't want to talk about he just does not discuss... quite unnerving. I just googled depression and relationships and there was something quite interesting on www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/healthfitness/health_advice/netdoctor/archive/000241.html - 54k - (if you're interested!) which did seem to echo exactly how I feel - unloved etc.... thing is, why would it be just me that he is treating this way???

If he isnt responding to you talking to him, then I'd write him a letter.
Explain that you very much want to sort things out between you, that you are sorry for what you said in the argument and that you are sure he is too. You cant go on not talking like this as you are very unhappy and its not getting either of you anywhere.
Say you've booked a babysitter for X night coming up and that you'd like the two of you to just have a nice evening talking about things. If he doesnt want to talk about the argument or anything hard straight away then say you can spend the evening just talking through some nice memories you both have and the things you like about each other!

If he refuses to respond to that, or refuses to sit down for the evening with you, then I'd start talking about a seperation tbh.

I am troubled by your references to you behaving in 'ways he might find difficult'What ways do you mean?If you were say, drinking gin at breakfast/ doing drugs/ flirting outrageously with DH's best friend than fine..if you were just disagreeing with him about something then not fine..arguements happen in all marriages..then you say sorry, agree on a course of action and get over it..You seem to be blaming yourself which doesnt seem right at all and isnt healthy for you.
All this not speaking to you for weeks on end seems very controlling and childish, (unless you have done something really heinous iyswim?)