dh completely and utterly emotionally and physically distant - don't know if he is ever going to "snap out of it". Has anybody's dh ever behaved like this and got over it?

[arabella2]

We had a big argument 5 weeks ago, another argument a week later and there were 2 or 3 weeks of dh not talking to me at all. I have tried to make amends for my part in the argument and dh has progressed to talking when talked to and making the odd comment in my direction. Otherwise he is completely cold really - not touching me at all and not being at all affectionate. He lavishes affection on the kids so I know that his stress at work doesn't mean that he is unable to function with people in general, just me. The thing is, you can't actually force somebody to "like" you again can you and so in this case what am I supposed to do, just wait for him to come round which he might never do??? I kind of feel if I am very "good" then he might regain some feelings of affection but on the other hand I think this is rubbish. Feel very hurt by it because he will not discuss it either so I am left feeling a little foolish.

well, I haven't always been supportive or even kind but then neither has he... I think in our big argument he might have felt humiliated (though so did I but maybe this is harder for men) so he doesn't want to feel put in that position again. You're right about the blaming myself thing and I am going to stop doing this. It IS controlling behaviour but maybe he is emotionally scared or undeveloped in this way and that is part of the package, at his best he is affectionate and we laugh about things (kids) and occasionally sleep with each other which is always very nice and which I really miss now. Not a perfect relationship but with my new insight after argument I could definitely work on my side of things.

arabella, your frankly downtrodden attitude is frightening me

read any book on abusive relationships and you will find these controlling mindgames can be the start of something much more serious

what will he do if you just stop trying to ingratiate yourself with him? Will he escalate his passive agression towards the kids?, will he up the stakes to make you prove your love for him?

you are digging yourself into a very one-sided relationship, one that will wear away at your self-esteem, then he can really be in a position to control you

yes,what scaryfucker said...

'being humiliated is harder for men'.Is it?Why?

Do you think he wants you to end it all? but is too weak to do it himself?

Ok so you did a bad thing - but just like anyone else he either has to accept your appology and learn to move on or realise that he cant live with the fear of it happening again and have the guts to allow you be free and himself too.

I ask because when my h was having his affair (and he really was a very different person during that time) he would often push me into arguements in an attemt to make me want to end the marriage.
Like you however i did realise that i was not always the 'best' i could be and so went on to 'improve' myself. At first i was doing it for him but actually i learnt a lot about myself too.
I did not find out about the affair for a while but my h said that seeing the 'improvements' i had made made him feel even more guilty and probably saved our marriage.
That sounds pathetic of me reading it back but you sound in a similar situation - although i am not suggesting there is anyone else i just wonder if he really does want out of the relationship but wants you to have the guilt.

arabella, what exactly did you do/say in this argument 5 wks ago that was so humiliating for him?

it may be easier to understand his attitude if we knew (but tis ok if you don't want to share it, of course)

oh gosh feel even worse now I don't think I am downtrodden - he just seems to be able not to mind not talking to people when he is upset but this would not escalate beyond that - I on the other hand mind not talking... hope he does not want me to end things - this has crossed my mind but we would have loads to lose - we have 3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6
it is true he is in a way uncompromising but will make changes in different ways

sorry will talk about argument later as my friend has arrived

Sorry.Not trying to make you feel worse.Just to make sure you arent beating yourself up for no reason..

I assume he knows that you mind the not talking though..you've told him that, right?So it would be the decent thing for him to make the effort to at least speak to you.5 weeks is a long time to be a stranger to your wife.

Hi there,I am in a similar place to you arabella, but don't want to go on about my problems in your thread.It must be so hard for you if he won't talk, but a lot of men just don't seem to know how, or just don't want to.
rodformyownback, did you have to persuade your husband to go for counselling? Mine says he won't, although he had been feeling this way for two years. I think that he too has depression, although I won't tell him that myself, I am going to suggest he goes to gp first. don't know if he will though.

It really irritates me when men are stubbourn about this sort of thing. My brother and SIL went through a v bad patch it ended up with her taking the kids and leaving him when kids were 9 mths and 2.9. Perhaps you could suggest that you owe it to the children to try and make it work. Not that I am a fan of emotional blackmail and in particular using the kids, but I do think it is important to try and try again. I do not think you are being "downtrodden" and necessarily in an abusive relationship. Sometimes men are just crap and need a kick up the arse.

Dazmum sorry to hear you are going through it too. Hope he does go to GP

Thanks by the way for all your messages everyone. Am feeling much better because dh and I have reconnected and are talking again. Not a bed of roses or the perfect relationship but I don't feel so horribly cut off. Am going to try to be more happy with what I have got and will work from there improving my side of things and will see what happens. I don't like some sides to dh's character and the ostracising thing that went on was terrible but maybe he felt that was the only thing that would get a message through to me. Not that I haven't got messages for him because I have (like I don't think he sees me as important/precious enough and is not always as polite as I want him to be) but maybe I can work on mine slightly more subtly! Toobusytothing I think you are right "sometimes men are just crap" or I suppose they are wildly different to us in some ways. In some book on relationships I was reading somebody said something about aspects of their behaviour being on the "autistic spectrum" I suppose when it comes to communicating about emotions and I thought that was quite interesting and put things into perspective. Hope that's not offensive to anyone.

As long as it's a case of both you and your H making an effort to be nicer to each other. Because if it's just a matter of you 'being happy with what you've got' I hope that doesn't mean 'you must accept he has a right to treat you like shit because he is the Man and therefore the only one whose feelings matter'.

Is it possible that he withdraws when he feels too angry to talk rationally?

Any hope of couples counselling, individual counselling, or something?

Yes it is possible that he withdraws not to get too angry or upset. Yes I know I have needs as well and I am not fogetting them, however I think the best way to get them met is to be more considerate of him as well - hopefully what goes around comes around - we'll see anyway. Thank you for your replies.

arabella2 I remember you having problems like this years ago

am quite that you are still with him tbh

you used to post things years ago that I thought made him sound like a bastard tbh