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Original poster

Help what would you do...unexpected pg...

44 replies

nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 12:12

I have three dcs already aged 9yrs, nearly 3 and 15m, dh said after last baby 'no more' however after being 2wks late we talked about what would we do. he said he couldn't terminate but how would we cope? Both physically and emotionally let alone financially. We don't have enough room for the children we have.

Also we are getting married next july. I have just done a test and yes i am most certainly pg. I am very confused, we have booked our wedding it is next july when the baby would be due!

God what a mess. We are careful with contraception but after it 'failed' last month i took morning after pill the same day, damn it didn't work. i don't know where to begin?

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mumoverseas · 02/11/2008 12:42

welcome to the club and congratulations! I'm expecting number 4 too! I can beat you on age gaps though, mine are 15, 12 and 2!I'm probably a bit older than you too (will be 41 when number 4 arrives) and I was extremely shocked to find out I was pg. Think I was in denial until I was 16 weeks. Am over the moon now as is DH, which is quite lucky. It was a HUGE shock to the system but we have adjusted (I hope) We are physically and emotionally drained already with 3 and eventually decided one more won't make much difference!
Ref wedding, can you either bring it forward or postphone if you don't want to look like a huge meringue on the day? You can cope and you will cope. It will take some getting used to but you will. Good luck x

mumoverseas · 02/11/2008 12:42

p.s. you'll obviously need to namechange!

solidgoldbrass · 02/11/2008 12:47

Remember that the decision is yours, no one else's. It's all very well for your DH to say that he couldn't terminate a PG - well excuse me but it's not his body that's involved.
But do take a deep breath and think things through. Sometimes unexpected things are better than planned for things. Generally WRT an unexpected PG it's yoru gut instinct that counts - do you see this as a 'problem' or as a potential 'baby'?

lulumama · 02/11/2008 13:04

agree with solidgoldbrass

if you cannot cope, and it is you who will be carrying the baby, giving birth and presumably doing the lion's share of raising the baby and the other 3 children you have, then you have the final say.

but i suppose it also depends a lot on how strongly he feels re abortion, and if it would be a deal breaker for him

you need to talk, and quickly, and seek outside counselling via GP i think for some help with your decision

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 15:06

Thanks, of course i already see a 'baby' but also lots of complications. Three children are exhausting, but i've always wanted another. Its hard to talk with kids around but hopefully we will later, dc's are unwell today and so am i which makes it harder to think tbh. i hope things become clearer over the next week so i can make a decision xxx

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mumoverseas · 02/11/2008 15:09

good luck nicola, not an easy decision for you and I hope you and DH make the one which is right for you both x

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/11/2008 17:34

you have always wanted another - decision made!

tartetatin · 02/11/2008 17:45

Mumoverseas - are we related? My three are 16,14,2 and currently 15 weeks with number 4...
but the issue here is Nicola's conundrum. I don't think the wedding can really go ahead as planned whatever decision you make. if you decide to end your pregnancy I think you might spend your wedding day thinking about the baby you might have been giving birth too, and if you do have the baby you will be far too busy to think about nuptuals. Four children does seem daunting. I never imagined myself in this situation, but we are all very adaptable and I am sure you will make the best decision for your family.
If you do decide to have a termination I would insist on sending your DH to the vet - You wouldn't want to risk anymore accidents. Good luck.

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 17:48

lol, the think is he has said he would feel as sad as me to not have this baby, but we live in a 3 bedroom house, i am being made redundant in April, I desperately want to get married but am not at all worried about having a big day, we have paid some big deposits tho which would be rather galling to lose. however again it is really how we would cope and how the baby would affect our relationship and day to day life with the children we already have, it would be a squeeze but i have already calculated my due date. I think our families would be v.shocked if we had another, but we don't care about that, it is our family which is me dh and our children which matter the most.

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Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 20:30

i feel in bits, i am alternating wildy, one minute looking at cocoons for our phil n teds, the next looking up termination on nhs direct. It makes it worse knowing that it is my decision ultimately as i know it is something i will have to live with forever whatever i decide. im not sure i could cope with another baby so soon, i did want another one, but wanted to wait until ds3 was far more independent ie until about 3yrs. I know this is going to be an agonising decision. Why the hell does it happen to me? why can't it be my friend who has endless failed ivf attempts. aaaaarggghhh!

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honestfriend · 02/11/2008 20:49

One question- how is your body?

4 babies can put a big strain on your body. As well as thinking about finances and practical things, you also need to think about yourself.

Are the 3 DCs you have, yours and your partners?

I have a close friend who had a termination- she chose to do so as her marriage was going through a very bad patch at the time- she doesn't regret her decision, but obviously it was an agonising one at the time.

I am sure that if you go ahead with the pg you will of course love the baby- what I would think of it were me, is would I have time and energy to give to 4 DCs, especially the 3 I already have.

cantpickyourfamily · 02/11/2008 20:52

if you do want another baby but not right now I think you might regret having a termination.

I think that what you need to consider is how you would feel if you did have a termination, and if you think that would make you feel terrible then it is probably not a good idea to do that.

But if you feel you would cope fine with it then sounds like that might be the best option for you.

Also if you go to the doctors before 8 weeks I think it is you can just take a tablet so would not need to do the whole abortion thing.

Good luck, this must be very hard for you but i'm sure what ever you decide will be for the best x x

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 21:06

thank you honestfriend, My oldest ds is from my first marriage, inbetween that ending and my relationship im in now i had a disastrous one with an older man who said wanted a baby i then fell pregnant and was railroaded into a termination, it was an extremely traumatic time. This time around i know if i do terminate this pg i have a very, very supportive partner who will be in bits with me. he has just said he doesn't know either what to do for the best.
When you mention my body i know what you mean, it is knackered!! i am 33 and two babies so close took its toll i am just getting my body back together i had bad spd with ds2 and very bad with ds3. I am just not sure how stressful daily life with a 3yr old 2yr old and newborn would be?? Plus my 9yr old he misses on on so much now because of the younger more demanding siblings. Oh god, but how i would love another baby one day. Do they offer you counselling before a termination still..I really need some emotional support and advice. Plus practically we live in a 3 bedroom house how would we all fit in!!!

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countingto10 · 02/11/2008 21:06

My DS4 was not planned. Couldn't have come at a worse time really. Our house is/was big enough but DH's business was/is having problems and he was/is extremely stressed. Big financial problems and we had just booked up our wedding for six months time. I also suffer from terrible morning sickness and incapable for first 3/4 months. DH was absolutely panic stricken and did hint that I should have a termination but he know that I would even consider it.TBH I think when you first find out you are pregnant you just panic but give yourself time to get use to it and things become clearer and will work out.
We went ahead with the wedding with me six months gone - bought a cheap wedding dress from Debenhams and a brilliant seamstress adjusted it for me. We had an absolutely fantastic day with all out children there (including the unborn one). Can you bring your wedding forward a bit ?

My MIL was very pointed when we announced we were expecting again, accusing me of planning it (wtf !) (even though the baby would be due during my dh busiest time of year and it would be my 4th c-section !). My mum and dad were pleased, hoping for a granddaughter (although didn't get one) but I am one of four so I suppose seemed natural to them.

Yes, it was hard work having 3 under 5 (my oldest was 12 btw) and DS4 is a right little sod now (but lovable and wouldn't be without him).

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you but please give yourself time and don't rush.

Also my DH came home one day whilst I was expecting DS4 and said he felt terrible about complaining about me being pregnant again (even though he did nothing to stop it ) because one of his closest friends had confided to him that he and his wife had just found out that they were never likely to conceive.

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 02/11/2008 21:11

oh god, im in tears now, can it be my hormones already!! Im off to bed, i hope i can sleep. DS3 in with us as he's not well and ds2 poorly too, plus so am i!!! i won't rush into anything as only 6weeks i need to have a good think about it all. I have all boys too and just know this will be another, which doesn't bother me at all! Hope things seem better tomorrow.

Thanks for all your support/advice have only told dh so no ones in rl to disucss with yet xx

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mumoverseas · 03/11/2008 05:37

Hi Nicola, hope you manage to get some sleep.
Like I said before, I was completely shell shocked when I found I was expecting number 4 and my DH and I briefly discussed whether we could have it or should terminate. Not an easy decision but something we had to consider as I have several health problems that worsen considerably with pregnancy and last time I was basically confined to bed for the last 2 months which was not much fun.
Whilst we were still considering what to do, I started bleeding and we thought we were losing the baby as we had a miscarriage 3 years ago which was devestating. The thought we were losing our baby was what made us realise how much we wanted it and we had an agonising 2 weeks before we knew everything was ok as the bleeding started just as we were going abroad for 2 weeks.
You don't necessarily know DC4 would be another boy? And what if you terminate? Will you always be wondering if it was a girl? You and your DH need to have some counselling. I'm pretty sure you have to have it before a termination and I hope that you both manage to make the right decision.

tartetatin, don't think we are related, just both crazy! Actually it works quite well with the age gaps as the eldest two amuse each other/fight together and now number 3 will have a little playmate! (they can entertain each other whilst I lie in a pile on the floor!)

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 03/11/2008 08:01

Thanks so much, i feel awful this morning with my cold, and now im at work. its weird have no other symptons of being pg. Don't feel sick yet (and i normally suffer v.badly) boobs not tender. Last week i was extremely tired and nodding off on the sofa at 8pm thats how i knew!

At work now so hopefully that will keep me occupied, will get a docs appt for this week so i can at least talk things through with a third party who's impartial.

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honestfriend · 03/11/2008 08:34

Hope you are feeling okay- just wanted to add that my friend who had the termination took tablets for it- no surgery. it was like a heavy period for a couple of days.

She was counselled once she has asked for a termination- she went to a private clinic for it. Just because she asked for a termination didn't mean it was automatic- she had to have counselling. However, what she found was that many of the other people waiting were very young girls who really didn't want their babies- accidents- and the counselling didn't really help her, as she felt her situation- married and plenty of money- was not the same.At the end of the day, it's your choice.

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 04/11/2008 09:50

phew what a couple of days, i am so emotionally drained and physically too. i feel really yuck full of cold and having to work not great. Had a long chat with Dh both agree that this baby is totally the wrong time, Im not sure we could cope with a 3yr old, nearly 2yr old and a newborn!! plus my older son. We don't have room and moving is just not an option we cannot afford to. we put the wedding to one side as that can be easily changed. But we both feel that anoter baby right now would be too much not only for us but for our other children. i feel v.sad and v.selfish i just know if i had this baby it would all be totally wrong. I just feel whatever i do i will feel like this. its so sad, it should be a happy time, but its not because of our circumstances.

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cba · 04/11/2008 10:04

nicola, i am a mum of three. Last september i found out i was pregnant. We were devastated, dh def was not happy. Anyway, we sort of got over it and started to look forward to it.

dh then went away on business and I had a miscarriage. Please dont put yourself through a hard time. I felt exactly as you do. But, i think deep down you will cope and you sound as though you would love another one.

I always feel now as something is missing. Think hard and do what is best for you and your family.

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 04/11/2008 10:21

I don't think i could cope with a newborn, or a pg with two little ones. it was hard being pg when i just had one toddler but two! i know people do it, but i don't want to struggle, i was quite down when ds3 was born and kept wondering if i'd made a mistake (lol, bit late then when there he was laying in the crib!!) i know this will put a huge strain on all the family just when things are starting to settle down, my oldest desperately wants more attention and that would only get less. i do want another baby but not now. I feel so selfish tho for feeling like this. its so sad, im so bloody careful with contraception and when it failed took the morning after pill the same day, still didn't work

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BitOfFun · 04/11/2008 10:39

It is only you and your DH that has to live in your shoes 24-7, so if you don't think you would cope well, then you are wise to recognise that. Go with your gut and do what's right for all of you, I think. I still think counselling for an hour or two might help, but if you are coming down in favour of sticking with looking after the family you have got now, I for one am not going to think any less of you.

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 04/11/2008 15:20

Thank you xx

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cba · 04/11/2008 20:32

nicola, do what is right for you and your family. There is no right or wrong. Take care

Original poster
nicolamumof3 · 04/11/2008 22:57

Thank you its so nice to have some non judgemental support. I can't tell anyone in RL as they would be really shocked i think. Except for one friend, who most definitely thinks i should keep the baby, even tho she knows how hectic life is and how we would struggle. she came round tonight to tell me how I would cope. But i don't want to cope, i want to enjoy all my children, have a good relationship and be happy. Too much to ask maybe. I think i have made my mind up now, what is best for me and the family xxxx

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