Am in a dark place atm please help me advice required

[nightmarehell]

I have name changed as i feel so ashamed and weak about this and it is not even my fault.

I am not in a mental or physical state to make any decisions yet but I need to prepare.
I feel as if I have been smashed in the face with a sledge hammer. Those of you who are in or have been in a simlair situation will recognise this. I am trying to hold things together because of my dd aged 3 but I am struggling.

I will be brief now.

Just discovered my dh has been having an affair for about one year. very very .

Had my suspisions in the past but never had any concrete evidence before just lots of circumstantial evidence.

This ow lives overseas my husband is a high earner and travels a lot so he has disguised his activities as business trips shredding any evidence as he went along.

I discovered this two weeks ago but he refuses to say what he wants and why he did this.

He has said he does not want to lose his family but I know from on going information this is not what he is saying to the ow.

I class myself as a strong person but now feel extremely vunerable. We have a beautiful home still large mortgage in (joint names)have no income of my own SAHM

i will be 50 next year so too old for retraining job market!!!!!!

i am not going to leave the marital home but it is so awful at the moment. I don't want to put words into my dp mouth but cannot go on like this.

I have told him that if we are to save our relationship he must cease all contact with ow but I do not think this is going to happen. Where do I stand legally what are my rights I fear for our future security.

Please help with advice if u can.

I don't have any advice. But lots of sympathy. Am so sorry. someone else will come along with something better any minute.

Am so sorry for you nightmarehell. This is devastating for you. I hope someone can offer you some sound advice. Hang in there for DD sake.

so sorry for you.

you will have lots of rights to the marital home, don't leave it.

you're not too old for a new job.

try to stay strong, but I know how hard it can be.

have you got anyone in rl to talk to?

thanks bsb tis hard for me because I have not spoke to another person in rl because I wanted to see where things are going.

don't have any real close friends here I can confide plus don,t want local pre-school and toddler group gossiping.

My family are based in the north 200 miles away they are elderly not that close to them so don't think they would be much support at the moment

This is awful. You poor thing. If he's not telling you what he wants it's even harder for you because you're having to deal in 'what ifs' rather than a concrete situation.

We're all with you and will support you when you need it.

I was in your same position nearly a year ago today (6th Nov to be precise) and I really feel for you.

It was one of the hardest things in my life I have had to deal with. The person that was your friend/lover etc is now the person hurting you.

Same as you, my h worked away alot and his ow was in another country.

I would like to tell you that everything is fine now but he still isn't sure what he wants so be prepared for either a long wait or, if you feel able, take the bull by the horns and make the decision for him.

If it helps, my regret is not kicking him out when I found out. He may have gone to her but at least I would have known where he really wanted to be. Maybe if I had kicked him out he would have realised what he was losing and would have tried harder to get back with me (or not as the case may be!).

One last thing - make sure your seat-belt is done up, this rollercoaster ride is very bumpy

I agonised for two weeks about wether to post here but feel I need some support.

Going to gp next week for full sti test

Tried the local walk in clinic sat there for 2.5 hours waiting to be seen it was awful full of cocky young men giggling at the forms they had to fill in had to leave to collect dd from a friend who thought I was at the dentist!
Their computer system could not even give an appt so I could attend at a time without my daughter.

Hope gp can provide this service have waited this long just to get in to see a female one

Whirlingstirling thanks for your support.

What makes this even worse is we have been together since 1990 9we married in 2003)

my h had an affair in 2002 but he behaved completely differntly to this time.

I knew in 2002 because he could not approach me physically be cause of the guilt heleft for a month then approache me and we talked about why this had happened he had always been faithfull since we met and his behaviour was totally out of character.

We settled our differences he never contacted this person again and we lived happily ever after!!!! or so I thought I worked really hard to build up my trust with him.

We have been blessed with a beautiful dd

Tyis time his behaviour is completely different I just can't understand it. I want to try to come to terms with it. But it is so hard

Is his behaviour different because he doesn't want to give ow up this time?

I think this may be the case ws but I am not able get him to admit this yet.

He\will be in later will try again god I hate this not cooking for him tonight why should I just feel sick all the time.

At least if he said what he wanted although it would be painful at least I cold move things on.

Should I just tell him to leave now or will this make things more difficult with the legal people?

I just felt sick for a long time - It is a horrible feeling.

These men are so bloody annoying when they wont make a decision - It would make things easier for them if we made the decision for them

The best advice I can give, is to maybe ask for some space on your own to decide what YOU want to do. Do you want to fight for your relationship or tell him to sling his hook?

I know just how you are feeling as I am going through the same thing. I found out about my DH in August and he left us the same week. ( I asked him to). I also have no job though thankfully we are reasonably comfortable. I really feel for you. I would say that I was in shock for a good couple of weeks. Take things slow, be kind to yourself and allow yourself space to cry. I have no local friends - we had just moved so I found myself a cousellor which has really helped. My H would have never admittted the affair except for the fact I could prove it. It makes no difference legally if you chuck him out or not. Just dont leave the marital home. Thinking of you

I feel so much for you,i have had the year from hell also, found out about h and ow in april.The feeling of shock and disbelief is almost too much to bear, it hurts so much.

Is he still with you atm? is he willing to talk to you? Do you want him back?

Its all so much to take in at first but i would really recommend seeing a solicitor, find a good one, it will help put your mind at rest and may shock your h when he realises you are taking control.

Really feel for you NMH, I am going through it at the moment. I found out in May that DH had been cheating, and it's only recently that things are starting to move.

As soon as I found out, I knew that I didn't want to kick him out. I wanted to find out why, and to make a plan to work through it together and mend it. How naive I was! He said he wanted to try and make it work but didn't actually do anything. He is now looking for a flat in which to carry out his mid-life crisis and forget he ever had a wife and family, the arse.

I have been grieving all summer, for the man he was and the love we had, and very slowly accepting the end of our marriage. This process takes ages, but now I am nearly ready. It took me until two weeks ago to see a solicitor, and only then did I properly come to terms with the reality of it all.

I know everyone's case is different, but my solicitor said these are my entitlements:

• £25% of his net monthly income for our 3 DCs (it's 20% for 2, and 15% for 1). These are set by the CSA, but you can set your own if you can agree amicably without involving them.
• Some proportion (agreed between us) of the rest of his monthly income as an allowance for me (a SAHM). This increases as his salary increases.
• Half his pension
• Half of his share of the company he part-owns
• Once separated, I would be able to get a small part-time job (shop, office, whatever), and be entitled to Working Families Tax Credit. This would not be affected by any payments he makes to me at all.

You don't have to go to court if you can settle it using your solicitors.

She suggested we go to mediation, which will enable us to put together a financial agreement. This would be sanctioned by our solicitors before going into a legal separation agreement. She said a common thing to do is for the husband to put the house into the wife's name and pay enough allowance to cover the mortgage. When the youngest child is 18, the husband then is entitled to a lump sum payment of a proportion of the value of the house.

The cost of the appointment was £200, incl VAT. Mediation is also around £200 an hour.

I am keeping it all very amicable, even though I sometimes hate him. She said this is the best thing to do. "Ride the guilt!" she said, get as much out of him as you can. Sounds awful but really when it comes down to it, I am left with three children to bring up on my own, plus the dog to walk and a job to get. As well as finding people who actually want to go out clubbing with me and have some fun - all my friends are happily married!

So the best advice I can give is - don't rush into anything, don't panic, take time to cry, grieve, rant, fall apart, get strong, eat, exercise, and let time do the work. You will one day be strong and able to come to a decision. But the main thing is - act with dignity wherever possible! I know my H respects me a whole lot more since I've been doing that, which gives me a bit of control for once.

Wishing you all the best. Ideally, it will all work out between you and you will have a better marriage than ever, but if not it helps to be armed with the facts! xx

Hi Spellcheck, You sound so much like me! I think the hardest thing is to recognise that your H may be living a batchelor life whilst you are doing everything you can to protect your kids and work out if you can save your relationship. It does take time and not a little heartache to work out what is really going on. It took me weeks but I agree seeing a solicitor is important as it helps you understand your options. the rest is just heartache!! I wish OP all the best also but i think we all have to trust our gut instincts in these situations and protect our famlilies as best we can. NMH, we are here for you when you need us (((hugs)))

Great post Spellcheck

Really interesting info from the solicitor. I had only been to CBA. Hadn't gone as far as solicitors yet.

I would love to go out more too (you're not in Scotland are you?)

I used to live in Herts until I foolishly let myslf get abandoned in Derbyshire!

NMH, Please bite the bullet and talk to your friends. I did exactly the same as you the first tinme my H had an affair 2 years ago. I tried so hard to save our relationship whilst he already had one foot our of the door! Eventually he had another affair with someone else. Once I confided in my friends they were shocked but were fantastic, they took me in when I needed shelter, they took me out when i just needed to get drunk, even though they lived miles away! They gave me space to grieve and a shoulder to cry on. They are still here, visiting, on the phone, on e mail. They have helped me through the worst and given me hope...

Please do not feel ashamed... I felt exactly the same, like there must be something wrong with me for this to have happened. But life isnt like that, bad things happen to good people, thats just life. It wasnt until I had the guts to tell people that I realised i wasnt alone..

Spellcheck, wonderful advice, am going to keep refering to your post when it all gets too much, thanks.

Op hope you are ok x

Thank you everyone for your support Spellcheck your post has given me somehope for the future. pse keep intouch

im finding it hard to type at the mo tears are streaming down my face my dd is playing upstairs

I broke down again last night my h says he does not want to lose his family. But I have told him we cannot move on until he ceases all contact with ow. I have explained to him how damaged I am physically and mentally with all this.

And it will take a long time a repair the damage.

I have also discovered this ow will be in the uk later this week. my h seems to have booked a hotel.

He has not mentioned any trip yet to me am going to check with hotel if booking exists.

If I did not have a dd aged 3 to look after I would track him down to this hotel to confront them but I cannot do this with a child in tow not fair on dd.

I hope this hotel booking does not exist god I feel sick esp after him saying last night he does not want to lose his family. may be I am just being naieve sorry sp

will keep posting on here thanks all

ps what I cant understand is on several occasions I have given my husband the opportunity to do what ever he wants in terms of the ow. I thought I was making it easy for him but he is not commiting to anything says as little as he can.

I too cannot divulge too much to him as he might realise my information source.

You poor thing, I just want to give you a massive hug [[[[[]]]]]

OK, there's lots of things you can do however you sound like you want to check to see if he is still lying to you and I would be the same. Keep your breath to cool your porridge and wait til you know about this visit. Then use this as your marker for action, if he does not have a hotel or go away then take this as a sign he wants to work on things, if it goes the other way that is your answer.

if I'm being honest, I would go if he was in a hotel, I couldn't not.

Isn't there anyone that could take care of your dd just for one evening/night so that you could visit hotel if your h does stay away?

I only say this because months ago, after my h had told ow that it was all over between them (though I now know it wasn't all over ) they stayed in the same place and h told me they talked but that was all . I now seriously regret not getting someone to take dc for a night just to confront them both together. I believe it would have given them both the shot of reality that they needed!

Hope you are getting some strength from these posts - we all hope you get through this with your marriage intact, if that is what you want.

If he leaves the house at all, even if he says he's not going near her in the hotel, you can be sure he will be going there.

I wouldn't bother trying to track him down, in that case.

Don't put yourself through the possible humiliation.

Stay focussed on yourself and your dc.

Don't paint pictures in your head of what he's doing, it's very destructive to do that.