Am in a dark place atm please help me advice required

[nightmarehell]

I have name changed as i feel so ashamed and weak about this and it is not even my fault.

I am not in a mental or physical state to make any decisions yet but I need to prepare.
I feel as if I have been smashed in the face with a sledge hammer. Those of you who are in or have been in a simlair situation will recognise this. I am trying to hold things together because of my dd aged 3 but I am struggling.

I will be brief now.

Just discovered my dh has been having an affair for about one year. very very .

Had my suspisions in the past but never had any concrete evidence before just lots of circumstantial evidence.

This ow lives overseas my husband is a high earner and travels a lot so he has disguised his activities as business trips shredding any evidence as he went along.

I discovered this two weeks ago but he refuses to say what he wants and why he did this.

He has said he does not want to lose his family but I know from on going information this is not what he is saying to the ow.

I class myself as a strong person but now feel extremely vunerable. We have a beautiful home still large mortgage in (joint names)have no income of my own SAHM

i will be 50 next year so too old for retraining job market!!!!!!

i am not going to leave the marital home but it is so awful at the moment. I don't want to put words into my dp mouth but cannot go on like this.

I have told him that if we are to save our relationship he must cease all contact with ow but I do not think this is going to happen. Where do I stand legally what are my rights I fear for our future security.

Please help with advice if u can.

Thanks all for your supportive comments.

Not tried hotel yet to check if booking has been made.

I am thinking the worst because he has still not told be the whole truth ie one particular business trip to a country not were the ow lives was not business either but to see her on neutral territory found out from my detective work. Why do they refuse to answer everything truthfully I know the worst so why try to cover everything else up does not make sense to me.

I would go to hotel but live in an area with no family support my dd has never stayed away at night so would not want to upset her.

However you can bet I will be making a call to his room!!!

Whirling stirling you are so right about the shot of reality my h seems to be on some sort of trance like state he never notices me or the house or dd he struggles to make conversation just burys his head in a newspaper or work

I do not think he really realises the consequences if he is continuing with ow he seems to be in some sort of denial

lovebeingmummy I agree am using this hotel booking thing as a marker.

I don't how he is going to explain this night away think it is on sunday has to be place is in midlands he works in london new job so no hols yet.

must stay calm this weekend tis so hard

perhaps go spend his money at weekend while I can need some new foundation my face has aged other this

I think my h is still in denial 6 month on! he does not seem to get the consequences of his action and how much he has hurt and destroyed me.

I do think if the ow is coming to this country and he hasn't seen her for a while then he WILL go see her. They don't seem to be able to help themselves . You need to plan for what you will do if he does.

IS it possible for you to move a littl emoney around so that you have some funds if you need them urgently.

It has been 9 months since my world fell apart after Dh leaving. Ow involved but he denied it all along - even when she turned up on my childrens holiday with him!

He will lie for ever and a day, even when confronted with the truth - it is quite bizare!

I agree with all the advice - especially not making any decisions to soon. Also - even if you think he will not keep you short of money - get some funds in a safe place just in case. My Dh took all our savings and left me with the credit card bills.

I can't describe how bereathed I have felt through out this year. You are going through the early stages of grief. I began to turn a corner when I started putting myself first and doing things for myself.

Friends have been my saftey net. But at the monent for you it is one day at a time. Your emotions will change hourly - but whatever the time of day or night MN is here for you x

Keep posting

Thank you for all your comforting messages.

Have checked with hotel about booking they asked for the res no which I did not have but managed to bluff them into checking for me no booking on 2 nov in his name.

will see what the weekend brings all last week he has discussed our private conversations about us with ow he told her he wanted to leave but did not know what to do about our dd, then he tells me a different story.

I cannot confront him with this info yet because it would expose my present source of info which I still need to help me discover the truth.

must go for now dd attending halloween party
have to make myself look human again

It sounds to me like he wants you to kick him out - then he can blame you. My Dad did this to my mum - played away, and then when she left him, he came back to the UK, and whined to me about how the marriage breakdown was because Mum had left. I pointed out she had left as he was screwing someone else, so he was the guilty party, not her.

Some men have this image of themselves in their heads and can't bear to think that they have screwed up, so they try to get you to make the decisions and therefore be the one they can point the finger at. Don't give him the satisfaction; make him decide, but have your running away money in place and also see a solicitor so you know exactly what you're entitled to in the meantime.

You know the hotel booking could be in ow's name, not in your h's name. Do you know her name?

Isn't it amazing how they all seem to say to same things? My h was more worried about leaving the dc than leaving me He has also continued to lie when I just wish he would tell me the truth - I am a big girl, I can handle it!

It would be interesting what your h would say if the three of you were sat in a room talking - would he be honest then?

I truly hope he isn't meeting ow when she is over but we all know what rules them, and it isn't their brains!!

hi ws from my sources ow is coming over with other people from her org and they are staying together at a diff hotel I think the plan is she will slip away later in a taxi to h hotel.

i even have flight no she is coming over on!

however they work in a world where things can change at the drop of a hat so it could be that the trip has been cancelled and i,m not aware of this as I know they contact by text message and h has 3phones on the go!!!!!

his new work blackberry his old personal contract phone which i guess he uses for ow and he even bought a cheap payg for ringing her country on the cheap 2 days after i discovered the affair silly f***r left the empty sim card holder and receipt in his work bag I confronted him about it and he calmly told me it was to contact ow cheaply

Hi everyone, what a lovely supportive bunch you are! Even though this isn't my thread I've drawn some strength from knowing that I am not alone.

I would go mad not knowing about the hotel or not, so you were right to do it NMH.

I live in Herts, btw, wish we all lived near each other so we could go out on a strident, ego-bolstering night out together!

My H also has several phones on the go, I've given up checking, especially since he's changed all the pin codes so I can't access them any more !!

In my experience men will lie until they are caught red-handed, and if they don't want to hear the truth about themselves they are absolutely fantastic at denying any wrongdoing - my H is convinced he is utterly marvellous and doing the right thing by all of us. Ha! He doesn't see DS at bedtime...not good, not good at all.

He's out tonight with the lads from work (they are all at least 7 years younger than him, and he is their boss, they are all single. I reckon he might cut a slightly tragic figure!). Am currently clearing up after wild kids' halloween party, they had such a lovely time. So proud of us all, we are going to be ok without him! Just things like that, that he is missing out on, make me sad yet happy, if you see what I mean. ?! It's kind of like, I can do this on my own, and it's very empowering. Obviously when I am still awake at 1.00 and he's still out, I will have a huge crisis, but these are becoming less and less, thank God. Feeling quite strong at the mo.

Have a good weekend y'all, will check in to see how you are over the weekend. Thinking of all of you in the same boat as me. xx

Been up since 6.30 dd making scary face on plastic water bottle!!!!

Quite suprised by last night my h wanted to talk!!!!!

we did not have an agenda as such and I tried not too make snide remarks about his behaviour.

He touched on a couple of things last night which on reflecting this morning may of been his attempt at beginning to explain his behaviour.

I still have mixed feelings is this just another angle on things to make me feel better at the moment so he can announce a business trip!!

I hate feeling paranoid but I have been so damaged by his actions this is the way I feel.

I did however tell him that his behaviour in all of this is text book and he seemed quite suprised and interested we did talk about this for a while but I did not personalise it kept it very general.

I have to see what the rest of the weekend brings. we can only talk when dd is in bed as we both agree these types of conversation are not to be done when dd is with us so it does make things hard.

I don,t know what I feel at the moment as I am suspisious sorry sp of anything and everything at the moment

Spellcheck I know what u mean about h missing out on the children. I tried to explain to h last night why I was so sad at the halloween party because there were lots of happy families there.

And we are not a happy family anymore I think he thought I was having a go at him brcause of the long hours but it was not I just want us to be happy again if that can be at all possible and it makes mre so sad

Will check in later keep posting everyone we all need to support each other however we can to keep us from going into the dark places that can be so destructive

will check over the weekend

That's sounds promising, even if everything is sorted out you'll still be loking for the angle it'll take time - hope you ahve a god weekend

Hi nightmarehell - gosh this seems like such a difficult situation for you, I have not got any real advice but you should contact community legal advice, if you do not have much income you may get free advice over the telephone.

I have been told by 3 different girls they have slept with exp but he still denies it, so I am not 100% sure but in your case you know he has had the affair it must be so difficult.

All I can say is keep strong for you and dd, and you should always post on MN for support, I always do as like you I have no one I can really talk to about my problems as I feel embarressed. But feel much better after posting as I feel it helps get things off my chest. x x x

Hi NMH How are you doing, have thought of you a lot this weekend, like WS am worried that you may let him off the hook too easily like I did then have a lot of suffering to go through. Hope it all works our for you (((((hugs))))

Hi all

very stressful weekend.

Sat was very difficult as I know he checked to see if a flight was on time.

He says he told ow it was all over on Friday

She flew to uk on Sat don't know how long she is here for. not more than a week he has been with us all weekend but has had chance to use phone.

He has been very good to me on Sunday and he will be back home to night.

Not sure what to think now very very mixed up.

He accepts that i may never trust him again and he has said that he wants to talk when we can have a proper conversation about it.

I have told him if he ever sees this woman again then it is over.

I just need some proof that what he is saying is the truth if he stays with me all this week I may get the answers when ow returns home.

I just feel so sick all the time.

Have lost lots of weight but not a good way to do it!

Still feel mixed up I need more reassurance but don't know what if you can understand what I mean.

Elastamum i'm with you there I just don't want to throw a relationship of nearly twenty years away.

I have given him many opportunities to be open and if he wants to spend his life doing something else then he should be honest about it would be hard to take but at least that would be preferable to being lied and strung along just so he could see this ow as and when the opportunity arose.

I would lose a lot if he went but he would lose far more but if that is the price he wants to pay for his happiness!!! then so be it.

I have to be strong for my daughter but still not past initial grief shock stage
because I don't know what I am grieving for yet.

i really hope things work out for you, I know in this type of situation you must feel so empty.

Just remember posting on MN helps even if only to get things off your chest x x

Hi NMH, How are things? I can appreciate what you are going through. the first few days / weeks are really hard. Thinking of you [hugs]

Am still hanging in here bad morning though went to gp appt had to wait ages to see female hoping they would do sti tests.

Just went to pieces when sat in chair could not get the words out gp is first rl person I have spoken to about this other than h.

The gp don't do them so I have to go back to gui clinic but last time they could not offer me an appt to fit in with my circumstances ie don't want to bring my dd along tried the walkin session but sat there for 2.5 hours waiting to be seen had to leave to collect dd from pre school.

H has been home all week one night he should have stayed away but he choose to come home and set off early because he knew this would not be a good thing to do at the moment.

We are talking more at night but we only have a short time after dd is asleep.

am taking one day at a time.

Hang in there. It is not a bad thing to limit your discussions to a hour or so as it is sooo exhausting. It sounds like he is trying, you just have to take it a day at a time. It gets easier