F#@k buddies - fact or fiction?

[SamJones]

OK - so H and I separated 8 months ago, and since then I have erm enjoyed a few No Strings Attached sex sessions with a guy I have known for years. He is single, and is as happy about the NSA status of our relationship as I am. I am not ready to embark on an emotional relationship, yet after a very frustrating celibate couple of years within marriage before we split, I found my libido needed satisfying.

But sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself about the safety of a NSA Fuck Buddy, and could be storing up trouble for the future.
Does anyone else have experience of this sort of situation? Does it work for you?

I think if you are both committed to being completely NSA then it can work. The problem will come if one starts wanting more and the other doesn't, not only will it change the status of your sexual relationship but also the friendship you also have.

There is a guy who I am very close to and we did see each other when I was single. We both knew that there was nothing more to it although we do love each other but not in that way. I know if I asked him he'd be over tomorrow. Since I've been in a relationship I've still met up with him, though we haven't had sex, we're still quite tactile but then we were before anything happened. It might seem odd but he was like a brother to me and still is.

Well, speaking as someone who has definitly not been there I would say even the most commited, long term, serial NSA guy can suddenly decide to leap off the wagon (as it were) and scare the hell out of you!

Having said that, I don't think you should go into any relationship (even a non-relationship ) expecting the worst. If everyone understands the grounds of the relationship then I think proceed at will - just make sure you don't ignore warning signs if they do start to appear!

HTH (in fact, I hope it makes sense )

the most commited, long term, serial NSA guy

It is possible, but depends entirely on the individual relationship. IME it is a bad idea to see each other more than once a week if don't want the guy to get under your skin or you under his. It is all a bit cold and sad really and sex is much better when you love the person.

Is he serial? But then if he is should it bother you if you are NSA?

I think attitudes towards sex have changed a lot. If you feel able to have sex with someone you're not with, without it being a big problem, then why not? What are you worrying about? How it looks outside or how it looks to you? That's the important question you need to answer for yourself.

Someone who want NS sex is not also easy, there are people out there (quite a few actually) who do not want a realtionship in the classic sense and therefore become serial NSA seekers. Mostly this is because the other person evetually decides they want more and move on.
But, if you feel that he is (for want of a better term) just looking to sleep around and that is not ok with you, then end it.

I get the feeling that this is not hte case though, you seem to be happy with your choice other than some vauge idea that you must be in the worng for being happy right now!

Having been through a complicated mess you are probably aware f the signs, you are in a position to take control of the relationship and keep it where you want it. Take baby steps and keep in mind what you want at all times.

NSA sex does not make you cheap or bad the same as it does not make him cheap or bad, take pleasure where you can find it on your terms (IMHO )

P.S. IME serial NSA guys have one "partner" (for want of a better word) at a time.

it has worked, once for me, but only for a short time. It's such an intimate thing, that you need to trust quite a lot, and THAT in itself implies a potentially loving relationship.

I am pretty sure people go into these things with more than just a sexual, lustful desire to be satisfies, and when the more enduring feelings arise they are not equipped to, or want to, deal with them. Hence the emotional messes they create.

Mumsnet is fuck buddy obsessed at the moment.

To my shame in the past I have had a fuckbuddy and it ended rathe aqkward altough mine was someone I worked with so it added extea compliactions.

You need to be hoenest can you seperate emotion from sex, I couldn't/

yes ts&p, we agree totally.

TSAP, that is very true, you do actually have to be quite hard/tough to allow yourself tender moments with someone and yet still not get emotionally entangled.

What it basically comes down to is: have you considered/discussed how exclusive you want your sexual relationship to be? There's no right or wrong answer to how exclusive a relationship should be, but making assumptions about the other person's view without asking him/her is a surefire way to end up with someone's feelings being hurt.
Bear in mind that 'no strings' usually does mean 'at liberty to have sex with other people'. There is nothing wrong with this as long as no one is fibbing, everyone is using condoms and everyone is being treated with kindness and courtesy.

I think that it can work.

My experience is slightly different to others.

I have known this guy for about 4 years, we used to work with each other. We both had long term partners when we met, so never thought about each other in that way.

We met up again after a while of not seeing each other and it turned out that we had both split up with our exes about 6 months ago.

We drank a fair bit and fell into bed together. Neither of us wanted a relationship and in fact, for the first 3 months or so we were both sleeping with other people. We met up about once a month or so.

Fast forward to about 10 months later we see each other most weekends and talk most days and have agreed to not do anything with anyone else. To all intents and purposes its a relationship except that we live 2 hours way from each other and realise that it will end at some point as neither of us wants to make the move over or indeed live with anyone again, given our previous bad experiences.

The difference is, I guess, that we go out for dinner, hang around watching DVDs like a couple, but we have sex (a lot of it!) but don't kiss, hold hands, look into each other's eyes etc.

I sometimes think its a shame to give up that 'butterflies in the tummy' feeling, but then I also like the fact that I can feel free and that this feels disposable and I can do whatever I want with friends (holiday in Barcelona booked for Valentines day with the girls).

I feel I'm giving up some of the highs, but also some of the lows. And I'm happy with that.

It works for me and it works for him, at this moment in time. We are relatively lucky in that as it has changed, it has been at a pace we both like.

So, yes, f**k buddies do work, but they also change and grow like any other 'relationship", including friendships.

If you are both happy, then go with the flow and see where it takes you. I hope that helps in some way.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

In answer to some of your questions:

We agreed some time ago that what we are doing places no other restrictions on each other - so there is no expectation of exclusivity on either part.

There is a fair amount of trust - on both sides I feel - I have been friends with him for about 10 years. So I don't feel I am potentially exposing myself to some sort of axe murderer! We are mates too - go to pub in a group sometimes, have coffee and chats etc.

We don't get together (for sex..) very often, 1-2 a month at most, depending on when his shift pattern coincides days off with when the DC stay with H (I am not about to let them be aware of this side of my life...).

He does have a couple of other friends who live some distance away, who occasionally come and stay with him (not together..!) and I know he sleeps with them, and is not an issue for me.

Oh and yes, safe sex is a very basic rule...

Right now I am not ready to deal with an emotional relationship after what I went through with H. My friend was extremely hurt by his exW - though that was 10yrs plus ago, and seems unable, unwilling to let his guard down enough to get involved with anyone again, though other friends of his say that really all he wants to do is settle down.

So I feel, I think, that the situation suits us both at the moment, but I am quite surprised to find myself here at all. He is one of only 4 sexual partners I have had in my life, incl H, so casual sex is not part of my normal repertoire. And I would not want for my friend to be hurt in the process, if he were to develop more feelings for me. But maybe I am being bigheaded here to think that he might?

I think perhaps I should just enjoy the moment while it lasts as it is likely to be transient I guess, and be alert for signs of trouble!

i had a fuck buddy and then my great friend went and got engaged to him and had a baby with him (my goddaughter) lol, how selfish!!!!!

SamJones: the prevailing culture of compulsory monogamy is a right PITA for situations like yours. You're having fun, not mistreating each other, and everything's fine. Forget all the bullshit about how relationships 'should' move on to monogamy, living together, etc: a relationship that lasts for 5 days and ends amicably is no less valid than one that lasts for 50 years. There are no guarantees with anything. but no point at all in spoiling something that's working very nicely by fretting about what might or might not happen. If things change at a later date (one of you starts to want exclusivity, one of you meets someone else to be exclusive with, one of you gets bored) deal with it as it arises.

BTW did you get your name from Lauren Henderson?

it has worked for me

they an work as long as you are both absolutely clear about what you want from each other, and aware that at some point it will most probably end

duke

why dont you kiss

it sounds stressful to be exclusive like you say you are and miss out on the kissing and holding hands etc

tho maybe i am just odd i couldnt do sex without kissing it is part of it to me

I have had a few fbuddies in my time - but they were all exes. I think it's safest when you have been through that stage and are both clear that you don't have a long-term future together except as friends with benefits between other relationships. I would be very wary of getting into this kind of thing with soemone I hadn't been through that stage with. But that's just my experience.

The real test will come when one of you get's into a 'real' relationship. But I think it's quite common, in one form or another.

Solidgold - I was I could claim it was that literary!
I'm afraid it was far more tacky than that - I was aiming for a namechange to SamanthaJones (ie SATC) but it was taken, because I wondered if it was the sort of thing she'd do!

However - having just googled - I may have to investigate my namesake, as I'm feeling quite comfy in my new name.

zippy - just not how I feel about him. When I see him, I think 'pwwoah' not 'aaaah', so kissing doesn't come into it too much.

Not stressful at all, quite nice and chilled. I don't need to try to impress, am just myself and it works I guess.

I find this thread really interesting. Lots of different views, which is what it is all about!

We don't do the hand-holding thing either - though there is some kissing, but not all on the mouth a great deal as there is other stuff to be getting on with!

Not ovulating, but... I have relatively symptom free pregnancies (apart from my body thinking the second trimester is a good point to deliver and the sticky blood) so I ended up rather almost craving sex. My partner is too busy stressing about me being high risk. My friend is off work at the moment and talking to him on MSN plus this thread plus pregnancy, I'm having to remind myself to behave

I like kissing, I can't imagine not kissing with someone I was seeing in anyway. I have friends that I kiss with and nothing more. Kissing goooood.

i can't imagine having sex without kissing it would be very half hearted

i wouldn't be able to

Different strokes for different folks!