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Original poster

Is it possible to have a good marriage, but be getting the sex part elsewhere?

34 replies

cantbe · 27/10/2008 20:52

Don't know what my view is on this, or even what I want the answer to be.

DH and I are a good team, great friends, have fun together, have separate interests, but enough in common to enjoy time together too. Complement each other in terms of skills re child rearing and running the house.

I love him dearly, love the father he is to my DC's and would never ever do anything to break up this family. We have been together almost 20 years.

But, we don't have sex (have talked and talked and resolved and resolved, but nothing ever changes for long) Does that mean I wll never have sex again?

OP posts:
honestfriend · 27/10/2008 20:56

Oh God, when you find out, let me know!
I am the same as you and find DH not very much "my type" any more!

I have had opportunities for a fling but backed off- i think I would get too emotionally involved unless it was all very cut and dried, as I need to really like men I have sex with!

If I was to stray and DH found out, I think he would want us to split- whereas I could( possibly) have my cake and eat it- and that's really it isn't it- and someone usually gets hurt .

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 20:57

My mother has several friends who have been married 35+ years for whom this has worked.

Not saying it's good or bad, it just is what it is.

They get their needs met elsewhere and two of her close friends have had also married lovers for over 20 years.

solidgoldskullonastick · 27/10/2008 20:59

CB: have you asked your DH what he thinks about this specific question ie: would he be appalled if you had sex with someone else, or would he be ok with it as long as you were discreet and didn't want to break up your household over it?
Because the only person who knows how he specifically would feel about that is him. There isn't a right or wrong answer here. Though FWIW I am of the opinion that if one person really doesn't ever want to have sex with a partner again then that person shouldn't mind if the partner wants sex elsewhere - if you're not using something, have no interest in using it, why should it bother you if someone else wants to play with it?

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:00

Only possible way this is going to work is if both partners know about it and agree to it. Otherwise you are deceiving him and that is not on.

Madamez will be along in a mo to talk about monogamy fascism....

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:00

Ha ha ha - told you!

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 21:04

the agreement can be tacit.

honestfriend · 27/10/2008 21:05

Agree- can you be open with your DH and what would he think? If you can't be open, are you happy to go behind his back?

You need to think on possible scenarios- what if the OM(s) fall for you and make emotional demands. What is you fall for them and want more than sex and it is not offered?

Can you separate emotions from sex? Is it realistic to ask a man to offer you sex but accept you are staying in your marriage- what kind of man would he be? single? married? Player?

Would it become an emotional burden?

If you just want sex, why not use a male prostitute? Or do you want some emotional attachment too?

I am not judging you at all- just trying to get you to think that it is to just about what you want- there are other people involved.

honestfriend · 27/10/2008 21:07

sorry- typos- should say "it's not just about what you want- there are others involved too."

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:07

A tacit agreement can also be one in which one party thinks the other one knows what is going on and has said nothing, so must be ok about it, and actually the other one hasn't got a clue and is devastated when they find out.

If the OP wouldn't be doing anything wrong, why not be up front about it?

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 21:09

'If the OP wouldn't be doing anything wrong, why not be up front about it?'

Because for some, ignorance is truly bliss.

We don't know the OP or her spouse.

This may be the case.

So, it's hard to say she has to take a one-size-fits-all approach.

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:10

Exactly, in other words, sometimes the other half isn't OK about it at all, they just don't know. That's called deceit.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 21:13

Some see it as deceit, others see it as 'we've talked, nothing has changed. saying nothing = you do your thing and i'll do mine.'

i only say this because i personally know people for whom this is true.

they are not talkers. they are not people who like being up-front. they think some things are better kept to oneself.

no, i'm not one of those people, and i don't agree.

BUT, this can indeed by the case and may be for the OP and her spouse, as they've discussed the sex thing many times with no resolution.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/10/2008 21:16

I'd think not. But, it must have worked for a few couples here and there. I'd advocate it, that's for sure.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 21:17

Perhaps it's an older generation thing, VVV. I dunno.

witcheseve · 27/10/2008 21:21

Strange thing relationships. I would suggest that if you wanted to go elsewhere to go with someone that already has a partner. If it was someone single then you are not being fair to either men.

I'm not saying you should stray but how many people realistically expect someone to be faithful in a no sex marriage. You've talked, nothing changes, yet one partner is devastated when the other strays, I don't get why.

ohIdoliketobebesidethe · 27/10/2008 21:27

Tricky one. Personally I would do everything I could to relight the fire (I'm sure you have) and would even go to marriage guidance etc. If it really is a hopeless case then how about finding a man in a sexless marriage - that's be good wouldn't it. Now where to start looking.....

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:30

What man could be trusted to be honest about being in a sexless marriage though?

I think if you were going to do this it would have to be with a single man, no need to drag another poor misused spouse into it. Most single men aren't gagging for marriage and kids the way women are, they'd probably be happy with the arrangement of no strings sex with a married woman getting her child rearing and DIY done by someone else.

witcheseve · 27/10/2008 21:33

Georgimama, oh I've met plenty . Or if the sex happens its a once in a blue moon favour.

georgimama · 27/10/2008 21:36

How do you know they are being honest about it though?

And the "once in a blue moon favour"- I didn't want to have sex when I was pregnant. Fortuntely DH was OK with that. If he had fucked someone else I would have been devastated. Was that unreasonable of me? Should I have put out when I didn't want to, or agreed for my husband to have sex elsewhere?

There are sometimes reasons and can you be sure the OM is being honest about them?

ohIdoliketobebesidethe · 27/10/2008 21:36

I know some men in sexless marriages. They tell my dh in confidence and he tells me.

witcheseve · 27/10/2008 21:43

I'm not saying I believe everything men tell me. Of course its not OK for a partner to stray if his other half is pregnant, ill etc. But some women and men refuse to have sex and give affection in the relationship and feel betrayed if a partner strays. To me sex is an important part and I wouldn't expect a relationship to survive without it. Well perhaps when I'm 64 plus.

Original poster
cantbe · 27/10/2008 21:54

Thank you for all your thoughts.

I'm not at all saying I'm about to do it. Not sure I'd have the nerve TBH, but (hopefully) I have a lot of years ahead of me still and the thought of barely having sex again is a bit bleak.

I haven't mentioned it to Dh, mostly because I don't see it as a real possibility but also because if I raise it, he would think it was about to happen.

The sex/affection part is also interesting, as you're right, I doubt I could have sex with a random bunch of men/with someone I wasn't at least very fond of, so that would raise all sorts of relationship issues (ie it would be a relationship, not just sex) It could well be the affection part I'm missing, rather than the sex. On that point, where does another "relationship" make you unfaithful? Verbal intimacy, cuddles, kissing, heavy petting, sex?

I've tried to work out how I would feel it DH went off to get it elsewhere. It would bother me a lot to think that our current arrangement as threatened, but the actual sex part...? Not sure.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 27/10/2008 22:00

Is he just not interested or is it a deeper psychological problem he has?

If he won't get help, or he doesn't want you, and is avoiding responsibility for the problem, then maybe you need to look elsewhere and just keep quiet- but it won't be easy- your heart will, imo, get involved at some point.

NK65alot · 27/10/2008 22:06

I think great sex with a loving partner is to die for. Can't imagine life without it. Don't know if this answers your question though.

dollius · 28/10/2008 13:14

I do not think it is reasonable to expect your partner to abstain from sex forever if you are not interested in it yourself.

However, as has been pointed out, most of us (not all, I know), do need intimacy for sex to be worth anything. And I do believe that when you start having sex outside your marriage, then you will undermine the intimacy within your marriage. Your husband is already undermining intimacy, however, by withholding sex. So maybe it doesn't make any difference.

While some women are comfortable with separating sex and intimacy, most aren't, though. So you would have to think very carefully about which category you fall into or you could end up very confused and unhappy. I have seen a friend go through this, and it was anguish for her.

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