Is it possible to have a good marriage, but be getting the sex part elsewhere?

[cantbe]

Don't know what my view is on this, or even what I want the answer to be.

DH and I are a good team, great friends, have fun together, have separate interests, but enough in common to enjoy time together too. Complement each other in terms of skills re child rearing and running the house.

I love him dearly, love the father he is to my DC's and would never ever do anything to break up this family. We have been together almost 20 years.

But, we don't have sex (have talked and talked and resolved and resolved, but nothing ever changes for long) Does that mean I wll never have sex again?

I am doing exactly what you are suggesting. DH has basically not been interested in sex for 8 years. He's had reluctant sex after I've pretty much begged for it and that is not what I want so I've given up asking - so demoralising. I met someone who is in a not great marriage and we're both enjoying the occasional meetings which are lovely but it's not going anywhere (which is exactly what we both want). It's not just sex either, we talk and have a laugh. It has boosted my self-esteem massively...I didn't realise how crap i felt that my man didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. I am feeling great. Will never tell DH though - although I have warned him a number of times this would happen if he didn't do something about it. GL with your decision but man it's working for me.

purple

what will happen when your dh finds out ?

hello - no time to read all this, but this is in the process of being a marriage breaker for me and dh. I have suggested the sex outside marriage thing, he has said vehemently that it would destroy him, and we have been in relate for 6 months, plus 5 years of discussions before that.

I think sometimes the "get back in the saddle " thing works for people after a long time, and sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it works with help from a pst counsellor, and sometimes it simply doesn't.
And I agree with Madamez that monogamy can be crippling and faux, but as me and my dh couldn't agree on how to solve this, we have had to call it quits.

(there were other issues too though.)

pass...head in sand. Just can't be a nun for the rest of my life...I'm not even religious

The thing is, sometimes having sex outside of a marriage when your partner refuses to have sex, prolongs the marriage. yes there is a risk of falling for someone else and leaving the no-sex partner but that risk is there anyway if your partner is refusing sex. Sometimes getting your sexual needs met elsewhere means you get on better with your sexless partner as there is no longer the constant issue about whether or not you are going to be frustrated again.

as there is no longer the constant issue about whether or not you are going to be frustrated again

But surely, it's not about sexual frustration-it's about emotion too? If it was just about appetite, then a male escort or a rampant rabbit would do?

I must say I am bemused by all these men with no sex drive- my DH would want it every night after 25 years together, and he is 50+. Maybe they need a testosterone shot!

Sometimes there is a need to raise your DP's energy level (I think). Get him/her doing some exercise. Medically minded friend of mine said that 40+ men especially need exercise to help their blood circulation!

HOnestfriend: Well, there's an 'emotional connection' with most sexual encounters in that it's better if you like the other person, but it's perfectly possible to have fun, flirty, physically enjoyable escapist sex with someone and enjoy it, while still loving your sexless partner as co-parent, old friend, comrade in arms etc. If you have an active libido but live with a person who does not (and will not change) then it can make you bitter and resentful and anxious and self-hating, whereas having someone else desire you and have sex with you but not 'love' you in a want-to-move-in way can mean you are much happier.

Very interesting debate girls. It's kinda like what I am going through at the mo. We have been together for 7 years, and he isnt exactly the high libido type whereas I am. Also, I am his first, so this is very special in many ways.
When we started having financial problems the same year we started our relationship I became very stressed and being a self punishing person it made him be kinda off intimacy a bit. Overwhelmed. We have good years and bad years, but it has never been the same as those first 6 care-free months of our relationship. Especially afetr the birth of our DD. I love to flirt, and I have had so many chances for casual sex outside my marriage is scary. But I always freak out for fear of breaking his heart. He is a lot happier now and we have talked and have been trying to rekindle his desire. But it works one week and then it's 2 months down the line and nothing. I need more sex, he is mostly tired, or not in the mood unless I dress up like a harlot. And I keep getting the hots for people I have to work with! This is getting so hard...