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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to know how I should feel about this. No present for my birthday, but he buys his mum a £50 present for no reason, before christmas

49 replies

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/10/2008 12:07

My dp has never been good with gifts for me, he either buys me something completely inappropriate or really cheap (as in under a fiver) which falls apart. The worst of which was the christmas he bought me a £2.99 (he left the price tag on) little girls pink pvc diary/organiser with a kitten on the front, which had a list of "my bestest friends" on the inside. He would never dream of buying me anything apart from birthdays and christmas, not even a bar of chocolate or some garage forecourt chrysanthemums.

For my birthday last week I got nothing, as he said he only had £3.90 in the bank.

So, two weeks ago he was given an old pc from a mate, and he was going to give it to his mum, who doesn't know how to turn on a computer and has never used one before. But has now decided it isn't good enough for her and though he still only has £3.90 in the bank, he has called his credit card, asked for the long lost PIN to be sent to him, and has bought her a £50 pc off ebay. Not as a christmas gift, just a gift.

Now, I like his mum, I want him to have a good relationship with her and I wouldn't normally begrudge her anything, but I feel quite hurt that he would go to the effort of getting the PIN for his card (which he hasn't bothered to do for months) and buying her a PC for no reason when I didn't even get anything for my birthday.

How would you feel? am I being selfish? I haven't said anything to him about it.

OP posts:
KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 27/10/2008 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soultaken · 27/10/2008 12:15

This is what's known as "being taken for granted".

When you're calm (not emotional or angry or anything) you need to have "the talk". "The talk" goes something like this:

"as you're not the sort of person to come home with flowers or such like on a whim, I'm gonna have to insist on the following:

a gift and/or flowers on my bday and being taken for or cooked a meal by you.
a £50 minimum gift for xmas in recognition of all the work I do year round.
Flowers on valentines day.

You tell him you insist on it as THE BARE MINIMUM HE IS ALLOWED TO GIVE AND DO MORE and you hold yourself to it.

If he gives nothing, then take something away from him.

Oh and the "I've only got £3.90 in the bank so you can't have a b'day present" line is crap. He's had 365 days to save some money for your b'day. It happens every fucking year it's not like you deliberately sprung it on him when he was skint.

NomDePlume · 27/10/2008 12:16

@ "my bestest friends"

Firstly, he sounds like a right miserable old tightwad

Secondly, a £50 PC ? That'll be good then ?

He sounds like a bit of a knob.

Winebeforepearls · 27/10/2008 12:16

You poor thing. I would be furious. Fine, if money's tight, I'd understand no present, but perhaps he could offer to cook you a meal or something. But nothing, and then spending that on his Mum suggests he hasn't got his priorities straight to say the least.

Ask him who he things he's married to, if you can manage to keep the sarcasm out of your voice .

MrsMattie · 27/10/2008 12:17

What a tight wad.

colacubes · 27/10/2008 12:24

Oh no no no no no! He obviously does take you for granted, money is nothing and thought is everything and that is what he is lacking when he isnt considering you.

tell him, dont be naegative just say, oi I want to be shown I am loved and an important person in your life too!

MyPumpkinDsHappyHalloweenBday · 27/10/2008 12:31

How long have you been together and do you have dc's together.

My friends dp is a bit the same, gives her pitence each month and moans if she needs help ie shopping. tight git.
Some guys are just like that, dont think its important.
poor you

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 12:33

is this the father of your children?

if not, i'd say something to him about it.

like goodbye, you loser.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 12:35

Are you married to this tightwad? If not, then I agree with kerrymum and others- life is far too short to spend it with unappreciative and disorganized mummy's boys.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 12:38

just seen your post expat- you have a way of getting straight to the point!

mumoverseas · 27/10/2008 12:41

i have to say I agree with expat (and I often do!) why beat about the bush when you can call a spade a spade?

LostHorizon · 27/10/2008 12:47

A monumental bollocking would be wholly in order for this.

The idea is that someone takes the time out of their life to think about something you might like, and then they go and find it for you, and they wrap it up for you, and make a bit of a production out of it all. Because God knows birthdays are depressing enough without your nearest and dearest ignoring them.

They may not get it right, but they should bother, so that you at least have something to open on your day. This does not mean a card and a bunch of dead flowers from the fucking petrol station, with an IOU in the envelope. That takes 5 minutes.

Claiming to be skint is bullshit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2008 13:22

JATGB,

You are being taken for a ride; your man (I hesitate to use the term DP) clearly is showing you no respect whatsoever by acting like this.

How long have you been with him and more to the point what, if anything, are you getting out of this relationship?.

Getting back to a point Expat made this man is not setting any children you have a good example is he. And nor are you for putting up with playing second fiddle to his meanness.

dsrplus8 · 27/10/2008 13:38

youre with ebenezer scrouge. id bet moths fly out when(if ever) he opens his wallet.[you deserve to be adored ,cherished,and occasionly spoiled rotten,dump the toad] hes a lousey tight git .if u ever want a diamond,shove a bit of coal up his arse ,3 weeks ud have one!

dsrplus8 · 27/10/2008 13:41

sound s like hes a mummys boy as well.thats u got 2 reasons to get a replacement dp

RubyShivers · 27/10/2008 13:45

i think it is the utter thoughtlessness that makes me so upset for your JATGB

has he always been like this?

presents aren;t about money or lavishness but about thought and he is showing a distinct lack of it

i would wager that there are other issues in your relationship as well

i am really sorry for you - he has been a total git

are you going to speak to him about it?

mumblechum · 27/10/2008 13:46

I'd be well pissed off and unable to bite my tongue.

ActingNormal · 27/10/2008 15:51

God, I sympathise, I would be SO upset and feel unimportant - I would tell him this. Did you see my recent thread about DH not getting me an anniversary card? That upset me, but buying someone else an expensive present and you nothing - that would make me cry.

It sounds like he is being thoughtless and hasn't thought about how some token of his feelings for you on your birthday would mean a lot to you and how you feel if you don't get anything - so tell him how it makes you feel. He probably didn't think about how you would feel when he spent £50 on his mum either, he wasn't doing it to hurt you but tell him he should have thought about how it would make you feel.

Flightattendant4 · 27/10/2008 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/10/2008 16:21

Thanks, I was a bit scared to post this in case you thought I was a bit of a gold digger or something lol (nothing could be further from the truth!) We aren't married, been together for almost 4 years, one dc together.

It really is the thought that counts with me, I'd be pathetically over the moon with a bunch of flowers to be honest.

I know he'll turn this into a row about how I hate his mother, and that I'm selfish for expecting presents when he has "no money" etc

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/10/2008 16:48

well the £3.90 could've actually bought you "something"......

fact is,he doesn't seem phased by the fact he got you nothing at all!!

expatinscotland · 27/10/2008 16:54

'I know he'll turn this into a row about how I hate his mother, and that I'm selfish for expecting presents when he has "no money" etc '

I take it back.

Kid or no, I'd dump him.

Wouldn't want my daughter seeing me being treated like that by some immature arsehole taking the piss.

geordieminx · 27/10/2008 16:56

I feel really sorry for you. Unfortunately men like this dont change - and if they do its only because you have forced them - which isnt really the point is it?

I really do think you need to have this out with him - tell him you feel completely taken for granted, and worthless in his eyes. It isnt about the money - there are plenty things that he could have done for you. And as someone pointed out - he has had 364 days to plan this - tell him to start putting a few quid a week away for your birthday and xmas - even £2 a week would give you £50 for each. It needs sorting.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 17:00

how can a grown man only have £3.90 in his account? You don't sound happy with him- does he have any redeeming features?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2008 17:05

So you've been with him for almost 4 years eh?.

Try to imagine the next four and the four after. Such men do not change; once a tightwad always a tightwad. His excuses for not providing you with a present are just that - excuses.

Your daughter needs to be considered in all this as well, its not just about you and him.

She will be learning about relationships from the two of you - would you actually want a man of hers to treat her with such contempt?. Of course not. So why is it seemingly okay for you to be treated like this?. I say that due to your original response which did worry me because you thought that you would be portrayed as a gold digger. You sound completely worn out and run down at his hands.

I can only assume your sense of self esteem/worth is now through the floor too; such men are more than capable of doing even more emotional harm and he's done a bang up job to date of doing this. This is emotional abuse.