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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want to know how I should feel about this. No present for my birthday, but he buys his mum a £50 present for no reason, before christmas

49 replies

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/10/2008 12:07

My dp has never been good with gifts for me, he either buys me something completely inappropriate or really cheap (as in under a fiver) which falls apart. The worst of which was the christmas he bought me a £2.99 (he left the price tag on) little girls pink pvc diary/organiser with a kitten on the front, which had a list of "my bestest friends" on the inside. He would never dream of buying me anything apart from birthdays and christmas, not even a bar of chocolate or some garage forecourt chrysanthemums.

For my birthday last week I got nothing, as he said he only had £3.90 in the bank.

So, two weeks ago he was given an old pc from a mate, and he was going to give it to his mum, who doesn't know how to turn on a computer and has never used one before. But has now decided it isn't good enough for her and though he still only has £3.90 in the bank, he has called his credit card, asked for the long lost PIN to be sent to him, and has bought her a £50 pc off ebay. Not as a christmas gift, just a gift.

Now, I like his mum, I want him to have a good relationship with her and I wouldn't normally begrudge her anything, but I feel quite hurt that he would go to the effort of getting the PIN for his card (which he hasn't bothered to do for months) and buying her a PC for no reason when I didn't even get anything for my birthday.

How would you feel? am I being selfish? I haven't said anything to him about it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2008 17:09

JATGB

I also come back to my original question:-

What are you getting out of this relationship?

ogs2003 · 27/10/2008 17:12

i agree with the others that you need to talk to him, otherwise it will fester (spelling) and that is not a good thing. I understand not wanting to say anything, some guys are very good at making you feel the guilty party but it really must be said, if it does no good at all it will at least make him see his actions are unacceptable. Good luck, i have been where you are and its not a nice place to be. X

JuxBackFromTheDead · 27/10/2008 17:34

I assume you are going to be skint on his birthday but perhaps you could get something nice for your dc the week after. Assuming you're still together then.

tryingherbest · 29/10/2008 21:39

Who got the cereal bar - well OMG.

Dig this - for my 40th birthday my 'd'h got me a ..... little set comprising a tiny canister of tea and tiny pot of jam.

I don't eat jam. I was sooooo astounded that I just laughed thinking it was a joke before the 'real' present. It wasn't.

He too is a mummy's boy - perhaps the two go hand in hand.

James - watch yourself my girl. Doesn't bode well.

Salleroo · 29/10/2008 22:13

Run for the hills. What a miserable git.

Agree with the other posts, what grown man has £3.90 in the bank???

Thoughtfullness doesnt have to cost anything. On Valentines day my DH always cooks Spag Bol from our early days but cuts the red peppers into love hearts for me .

You deserve better, send him back to mummy. Forget being skint on his b'day. I'd never buy him a present or card again. But that would be more due to the fact that I wouldnt be anywhere near the tightwad.

SolosWhompingWillow · 29/10/2008 22:18

Is he my exh#1? No, he did spend 99p on me for my birthday when we were together...

Flum · 29/10/2008 22:27

Wellll I'm not seeing it quite as black and white as the other respondents but it does seem somewhat thoughtless. What I will say is that I do see some comparisons with my Dh because some years he doesn't get me anything for a birthday but othertimes he will just get me something amazing for no reason so he does come through from time to time. He sort of buys gifts when he sees them but is not good at doing it at the right dates eg Xmas, B;day, anniversary.

If he never does thoughtful little things then that is tough.

Do you get him gifts?

Is he kind in otherways? I must admit I think kindness is an essential quality in a partner.

kalo12 · 29/10/2008 22:33

the most worrying thing is that he bought you a 2.99 girls diary.

how is the rest of youyr relationship?

2rebecca · 29/10/2008 23:02

He sounds really mean to me. Are you living together? I would want a joint account with any bloke I lived with and had kids with, but then I'd want the committment of marriage before having kids.
It sounds as though you're not getting much out of this relationship. He has financial independance and takes you for granted.
Do you love him and want to be with this bloke? He obviously doesn't feel you are a "family" or he'd discuss buying an expensive present for his mum with you first. It all sounds a bit immature and chaotic. Are you both very young? What sort of future do you want with this bloke?
You call him your partner but it doesn't sound much of a partnership to me.
I'd be kicking up a fuss. It's not the money it's the thoughtlessness and lack of loving gestures.

Dioriffic · 29/10/2008 23:04

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 29/10/2008 23:07

try saying something to the effect of
"are you taking the fucking piss you stingy arse tight was fucker. fuck you, fuck your mother and fuck your diary."

Dioriffic · 29/10/2008 23:09

Message withdrawn

ChChChanges · 30/10/2008 01:46

Name changer for this

First time we celebrated DPs birthday, I sorted travel and accommodation to take him away to a convention for the weekend. Best birthday he'd ever had, he said.

Fast forward a few months to mine: I wasn't expecting the moon on a stick, which was just as well because I got nothing. I spent all day thinking DP must have something up his sleeve and that it was all a joke - it sure was.

Apparently because DP doesn't expect anything on his birthday and it isn't how he celebrates them, I'm materialistic to want a present. This is coming from someone who has no trouble behaving like a spendthrift for themselves to someone who had by that time supported him as well as my disabled DC and myself for nearly a year due to him refusing to claim unemployment benefits.

It should be noted that the sting probably originated from an XP behaving in the same way on Valentine's Day, then borrowing money to buy several brand new luxury clothes for himself the very next day.

When I made it clear it wasn't something easily made up for, DP decided not to bother. He did when I insisted that he should at least try and that did help somewhat, but not only he did buy me 3 gifts, far more and far more expensive than I expected or wanted, it hasn't healed the hurt.

This year I felt I would've liked and should've bought DP something very special for a milestone birthday but I just got him a few bits and bobs instead. He just didn't deserve it.

wehaveallbeenthere · 30/10/2008 01:55

Does his mum like you too? Take the credit card and go buy yourself a birthday gift...from him and open it in front of the mum. She will see what a thoughtful son she has.

ghosty · 30/10/2008 03:58

I had a boyfriend who bought me a cheese slice for my 21st Birthday present - because he liked cheese on toast after coming home from the pub.
Needless to say I had a different boyfriend for my 22nd birthday.

lizziemun · 30/10/2008 06:44

James I'm so sorry he once again upsetting you.

He should be spoiling you.

He knows you are suffering PND and strugglering with everything at the moment. He should be making you feel special and wanted. It's not about buying expensive presents.

he could have bought a bunch of flowers and cook you dinner.

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs · 30/10/2008 07:01

This is not about money or who gets the best presents. It is about respecting your partner and showing them that you appreciate them.

So sorry that your partner is being an arse

layda · 30/10/2008 11:36

definitely NOT about the money. I have never received a gift from my DH and I can also tell you that I have never felt unappreciated and always feel spoilt.
What he did is just disrespectful

trixiethepixie · 30/10/2008 11:46

My dp never bought me anything last Christmas, for my birthday - or valentines day.

It doesn't bother me. He's not into all that and tbh neither am I.

It's about feeling spoiled without the pressies - something your dp doesn't sound like he's making an effort with.

Dp did however come home with a top for me as an unexpected pressie the other week (lovely man)

Original poster

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/10/2008 11:50

lol @ custy! bloody hell

Thanks for all the messages, I'm sorry I haven't responded but I didn't know what to say, and don't have much time to post today.

I confronted him about it, and he had the grace to look awkward and embarassed, then he said "oh I was still planning on getting you something (Yeah right, he absolutely, definitely, was not) but I never know what to get you, you're so hard to buy for"

I'm a chocoholic bookworm who is typically girly and loves perfume, jewellery, flowers, pretty things for the house, and ironically is in need of a new computer since ds did bouncing on my laptop, so I don't think I'm hard to buy for. We have a fucking flowershop at the end of our street! lol

OP posts:

Flum · 30/10/2008 19:56

Gah, just ask for the money instead!

expatinscotland · 30/10/2008 20:04

What do people get out of relationships like this?

I mean, it's not about the money, as others have pointed out.

catsmother · 30/10/2008 22:12

Totally agree with Expat. This isn't (simply) about the money ..... it's about being lazy and mean, and making no effort whatsoever to mark the occasion somehow and to show his appreciation of you.

If he literally had no money, he could have brought you breakfast in bed, run a bath with oils & candles for you, offered you an all over massage, drawn (however badly) a homemade card, or written (even if he's not Shakespeare) a letter telling you how much you mean to him.

Well ..... doing nothing at all tells you how much you mean to him doesn't it ! ..... and adding insult to injury by "managing" to find £50 he didn't have to spend shortly afterwards makes your position in the pecking order very clear. I'm afraid you're being very much taken for granted here ...... more so if he never shows any thoughfulness or gives you the occasional treat.

Heated · 30/10/2008 22:18

I'm hoping for his sake he's a good shag or a whizz in the kitchen

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