Husband left 2-year-old unattended in gym

[MadamJoJo]

I need your help here ladies as I am fuming.

My husband took my son to gym class and took along my 2 year old in the pushchair so I could get some housework done. The gym class is in one of those Victorian buildings where you need to access the hall by going up a small flight of stairs off a narrow corridor. It can be a bit tricky to access so i assumed hubby would take baby into the hall with him and leave pushchair in the corridor when he dropepd off the elder one. But when I was arrived I was astonished to find my 2-year-old son sitting in the corridor in the pushchair with his father no where in sight.

I went inside and saw my husband on the other side of the gym hall in the spectators' viewing area ( a mezzanine floor ) getting him dressed. I was fuming.

He had just left him in the corridor where there were people walking in and out. He hadn't asked anyone to keep an eye on him.

His excuse for leaving him there was that it was too much bother to unbuckle him for a couple of minutes while he collected DS1. It wasn't a couple of minutes if was more like 10 minutes.

He said I was crazy to be so upset. We had a brief argument in the hall and then he stormed off saying I wsa being unreasonable to be so worked up.

I would never leave my child left unattended in a public place like that, where he was out of sight and earshot with no one supervising him. My approach is a complete "no risk" policy with my kids - especially in public places.

This is not the 50s. It is London.

What do i do now? We've had a huge argument and he thinks that I am the one flying off the handle.

How do I get him to see sense?

yes dittany that is exactly how he behaves when i disagree with him. i would leave it for a day or two but i don't think he will bend on this, easily. it really his fundamental view that you do need to take risks in life. he did it then and everything was okay so why am i making such a big deal, he says? we really diverge on risk. now the argument is going along the lines 'well you don't trust me i won't take the kids out anymore!' i was planning to take my first kid-free weekend break with some girlfriends next month but now i don't feel able to trust him alone with the kids.

I'm not surprised that you are annoyed. Stupid thing to do.
Your husbands point about taking risks is wrong IMO, as what was the benefit - to save your DH the effort of getting the child out of the buggy? That was worth it then

If he's being pig-headed, do you think it's because A. he genuinely believes he's right, you're wrong or B. he just can't stand to lose an argument?

B. is better because he may well change the way he behaves, just won't tell you about it for fear of losing face (although it's still pathetic and childish).

A. is really worrying. Shame it's too late for you to do what Pumpkin suggested and take ds2 so dh got back to discover he'd gone (the sort of natural consequences argument). Just wondering if you can manufacture something to teach him a lesson?

Some people are being deliberately obtuse.

The op delegated the task of caring for the children, while she did some housework. Her husband took a stupid risk.

I was empathising with her frustration.

Havent we all had a moment at some point where we have unintentionally put our children at risk, or made an error of judgement regards to safety?

I mean, your husbands first instinct would be to defend himself. Next he will realize what a risk he took and feel silly/scared etc. I bet.

Have a calm discussion about it, I am sure it wont happen again, unless he is usually a dimwit.

Edam, I think it is both A & B. He is peeved with me for admonishing him in public as he hates being embarrassed like that ( in the hall ). He has a fatalistic attitude to life so he thinks he was right. And yes, before he came out of the hall, I moved the pram a little down the corridor and yelled to him: where is the baby? It was awful but I was so angry to have found DS2 just sitting there unattended. DH now thinks me cruel for playing that trick on him and has told me "to get out of his face". Not a pleasant afternoon in this house.

Dittany, I only mentioned the weekend away thing just this morning so it is a possibility that he is annoyed. You are very good at this. Thanks.

Someone above said that the fact that it isn't the fifties isn't relevant. Actually, I think it is relevant. Had the worst happened and the toddler had undone his straps and wandered outside, there are way more cars on the roads, even quiet roads, and people are also much less likely to intervene if they spot a distressed child (for fear of people questioning their motives or whatever).

Personally, I would also be absolutely fuming and not in any mood to forgive and forget. I completely understand that people make mistakes and don't think through the consequences of their actions (although I'd sincerely hope a child's father would at least make an effort to do this), but this is quite a big issue and not admitting that he was wrong would make me think twice about him having sole responsibility for a toddler, frankly.

I don't know what you do. Could you make a huge effort to be enormously nice and say 'Look, nothing happened, everything is all right, thank God, but I really need to know that you won't do that again?'

Well I would have left my DS for a few minuts in his buggy when he was 2 as he never worked out how to unfasten the straps. I don't think it's that big a deal, and also, given that nothing bad did happen, that the OP should stop going on at her DH about it. It happened, that can't be changed, banging on about something trivial for hours solves nothing and reduces the chance of any future concerns being listened to.

Oh, well done Madam! Yes, he might well bitch and moan but you had him bang to rights. He's sulking because he's in the wrong and knows it.

I'd be more worried about traffic and the swimming pool than kidnappers, myself, because I am always perpetually suprised how nice other people are with children when they need to be, and kidnapping is unbelievably rare (which is why it makes the news). However it sounds like your DH was a bit daft and a ticking off was probably in order. That having been said, I am not sure how much you should listen to me, as I did leave my eldest in a pram in a clothes shop and wander off home whilst experiencing a postnatal moment - fortunately I remembered on the way and scuttled back to collect her. Nobody noticed and she was fast asleep, to my total relief!!! I still feel a bit bad about that ....

solidgoldskullonastick, it was a big deal to me. when something is a big deal to you, i am sure you do what you can to make your point. yes i agree with you that banging on about something can be counterproductive. that's why i came on this board for help to have my point heard.

i have genuine concerns about my child and how his father's ideas of safety and responsibility.

the fact nothing bad happened is not the point, really.

Just ran this one by my DH and he said he would NEVER leave our DD (aged 2) alone for even a minute (obviously outside our house) where he couldn't see her

JoJo your 100% right to be angry,anything could have happened in that time,he was wrong to take the risk and he's wrong not to see your point of view,it only takes a few moments for a child to wonder off or someone to take them! These are facts not fiction!Maybe talk to him when you've both calmed down.

it amazes me how many think it is acceptable to leave kids, 10 seconds to turn around and get something out of your bag, but 10 minutes thats neglect (sorry jo jo). How did you know it was 10 mins, could of been the whole lesson.

So glad ds is fine, I would be devastated if my dh done this, so yes you are NOT being unreasonable. hugs to you

I don't think it's a trivial thing to do at all. Trivial would be letting him eat a chocolate bar ten minutes before lunch or failing to put his wellies on before taking him to the park, not leaving him alone in a totally unsuitable place for an unaccompanied toddler.

Agree totally not on to leave them like this. Also not nice to play the where are they 'joke'. Right now you both have you to stand up for your own POV and he's feeling very defensive.

The would you leave your wallet question is a good one and tbh i use this to evaluate risk with DD.

Also it is a fact that abductions have not risen, it is very rare but it does happen and you never know where or when. There are cases of children taken from the bathtub, on there way to school etc and it is our jobs as parents to reduce the risk wherever possible. I'm sure he now feels bad but it has been built up inot a fight now and can't back down. You know him best and I'm sure that if you expect that you wouldn't like this to happen again it won't.

Gon on your weekend away and DON'T overdo the calling home to double check everything, just as the kids need t prove themselves by letting them do things so do husbands!

yes i would have sacked him on the spot if he was a childminder. no doubt about it.
i am going to wait til kids are in bed for another attempt at discussion with DH.
if he fails to see my point - which i sincerely hope doesn't happen - i don't think i have any other choice but to tell him i don't want him taking the baby out again on his own.
this is severe but i feel that strongly about this.

I wouldn't mention it again as I think you will get angry. Why not leave it until the next time he takes him out and then say "you won't leave him, will you?" in your best unaggressive voice.
I think anymore talk on the subject at the moment will alienate him even further.

I am taking your advice wheresthehamster and avoiding discussing until later this evening after kids are in bed. Thanks.