Help - feel physically sick - my mum has hurt me so badly.

[rosyfour]

To give some history, I have a difficult relationship with my parents for many reasons, but feel very resentful towards my father who is an alcoholic and would rather drink than be with family, and I have struggled with depression and issues regarding self esteem. I have felt a lot of anger towards them both since the birth of my daughters - its been a bit of a double whammy as whilst coming to terms with the realisation that I want to be a very different type of parent I have been forced to accept their lack of interest and love for my children. They moved permenantly from Northumberland to Spain last August and things have been a lot worse since then, barely no contact but what there has been has take the form of angry emails and strained phonecalls.

I received a text message from my mum this morning which said (word for word) "Just to let you know your father died this morning". I tried to ring her straightaway but her phone just kept going on to answer, so I called my sister - who was completely shocked and knew nothing. We were both crying on the phone, and she said she was going to try our parents landline to find out more. I rang her back 10 minutes later and am told "Its not true - Dad is alive, she is just very very angry at you"

I have been physically sick 3 times today since then, a mixture of shock and anger I think. How could she do something so awful? I have been working through so much crap this last year since they left the UK, trying to come to terms with things and trying to get things to a point where we can communicate without anger and I have held out the olive branch so many times in terms of sending photos of the children and begging them just to talk to their grand-daughters on the phone and have a relationship with them. This is not the first thing that she has done to try to hurt me but it is certainly the most awful so far. I don't know if I will be able to get past this incident and forgive my mum. How can my own mother want to hurt me so badly? I have tried so hard to feel compassion for her and think how stressed she must be but I feel so devastated and that I want to cut them off from my life completely to stop them hurting me. Please help.

Good Lord - that is a twisted thing to do

You definitely need to break ties with your mother. If this is the extent to which she will go to get to you, you really need to cut off that line of communication.

Your family sounds lovely so don't worry about your children - it sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job and your children will be all the better for it. If anything, exposing them to your mother and to her horrid relationship with you will do them harm, if anything!

Be grateful that your mother is far enough away that you don't have to deal with her and be happy in your life - good luck!

Your mother did a cruel, spiteful and really shocking thing. Whatever the history between you this is so way off being justifyable (sp?).

I dont think you should feel any guilt/concern about your children having no relationship with their grandparents, as even before what she did today, it seems your parents werent hugely keen on the doting grandpaprents role. Better they have no relationship with them than a warped one.

You ask how you can forgive your mum for this? I dont know, but if you cant I dont think many would blame you. Dont put pressure on yourself about this. You have had a huge shock, and are entitled to feel angry/ hurt/ however you want to.

Take care of yourself

"we are such a strong little family with a lovely life and an amazing future ahead of us."

You summed it up. It's all that matters. This is where your energy is best spent. This and learning to say sod the rest.

That's so shocking, and I am so sad for you.

I would just echo what a lot of people have had to say on this thread...What kind of a relationship do you think you are denying your grandchildren by closing the door on your parents? You sound like you're doing an incredible job with them, especially as you have so clearly lacked any role model in life for what being a good parent might actually entail.

You should pause to give yourself some credit, and also your DC's, who will surely realise they have been protected when they are old enough to perhaps hear some of the stories, particularly this absolute shocker.

My DH is estranged from his father, but for far less outrageous behaviour. We just don't feel the kids will benefit from him in their lives. He's hurt DH enormously, and that's enough reason for me to feel he is a toxic influence on our lives. DH's sister still keeps contact - I've lost count of the hours DH has spent on the phone to her, counselling her through the latest hurt he has inflicted on her, or her DS's with his incredibly selfish and uncaring behaviour. It reminds me why we are right to have cut him out.

Don't be the sister dealing with the fallout of a negative grandparental relationship. Set yourself free - do not feel guilt. It is NOT YOUR FAULT they are like this.

Good luck.

This is shocking, I started off thinking 'what a callous way of telling someone their father's died', then read it wasn't true .

I'd agree with what everyone else has said. I'd get a new home and mobile number, and your last text with your current one should say "Just to let you know, you're dead to me", and WALK AWAY.

I'm sure something terrible has happened in her life to make her the way she is, but there comes a time when you need to think 'I can't make her better, I don't care any more!!!'

You've done everything you can, your relationship with your children WILL suffer if you let this horrible person destroy you any more! You need to tell your sister that if she gives your new numbers to your 'mother' you'll cut her off too, and leave her in no doubt you're telling the truth.

Get some counselling, and carry on being a fantastic mother to your daughters.

My heart really goes out to you, and I don't say that lightly [supportive emoticon!]

I read this with a growing sense of and disbelief.

If this was me, it would be the final straw and for the sake of my own sanity I would close the door. It's easy enough to do in the physical sense - they aren't in the country, but in the emotional sense it will be a longer process, and counselling is a wise suggestion. There's a lot of grieving to do, and it will help to be guided through the steps.

I really don't think you should be concerned about your children not having a relationship with their grandparents. Would you force your child to have a playdate with a child they didn't like?! Some things do more damage than good, save your positive energies for the good relationships in your life. Never doubt yourself - you sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders and know that your future is in you and your family, and you have a DH who is supportive - hold that thought when times are rough.

Gentle {{{HUGS}}}

Rosy, your poor love.

Not only is this a digusting example of parenthood, but if my experience with an alcoholic parent is anything to go by, I bet somewhere you're still wondering how it's your fault and what you didn't do/can do to fix this relationship... It isn't and you can't.

Your mother probably feels so much guilt at not protecting you from it more, yet has stayed with him, that her pride won't ever let her admit it, so it's "your" fault IYSWIM. Plus if that text is anything to go by, she's managed to become the manipulator and emotional blackmailer that we usually expect the alcoholic to be.

I'm so sorry for you. I know how it feels to want to perfect family as a result, and then feel this big hole that the grandparents aren't part of it. That you will try and try for your kids sake, yet end up feeling like the hurt child over and over again.

We are told to "detach with love", I've never really worked out how to do this. A therapist once told me to cut ties, but as a dutiful daughter I couldn't.

But with a very kind Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, I have learnt (despite it still hurting) to step back from each row/situation/let down/lie and assess that it wasn't my fault. I think your GP would refer you if you explained how the situation gets you down.

I recommend reading "Adult children of alcoholics" - the synopsis alone will probably have you in tears of recognition at your feelings and behaviours, it did me. Also "Perfect daughters". Both available on Amazon, a bit american, but the principles are there. There are also adult children of alcoholics groups as well as Al Anon, which I'm sure you know about.

I'm really pleased you found a lovely man to share your life and family with, thank god I did too. It shows that part of us isn't like them, and they haven't taken too much away, because we could so easily have repeated that horrible pattern.

Godd luck honey. x

p.s. please don't worry about your parenting and family life, I'm sure it's wonderful, one thing I learned in those books was that kids of alcoholics always "guess at normal" and assume every other family is perfect. No family is. I'm sure you're a great mum.

What a fucking freak man!! That is unforgivable!
Only you can decide if you want to continue to have anything to do with her. Just ask yourself whether it is healthy for you and your family to have contact with her. If she can do something so mean to you what else is she capable of? If she causes so much stress for you it has to be rubbing off on your family life and that is not a good thing.
You, your DP and DC's are the most important things in your life. If it were me I would have nothing more to do with the fucking psychopath! At least she doesn't live in the country so if you were to cut her off it should be relatively easy and I am sure anyone in their sane mind would understand why you did, including your sis.

I am so totally touched by all the support on this thread. The nature of this whole incident has meant it would be almost impossible to talk to anyone in RL about what she did this morning. I feel a lot stronger after reading everyones posts and there has been some brilliant suggestions on how to move on in my life - thanks so much to all of you.

I feel a lot calmer, but still very angry - more so because I know she did this to provoke a reaction, I have not risen to her bait by communicating with her but I have let it affect me all day.

I am in shock - in fact DH asked me what was wrong and he can't believe it either!!!

This is wrong on so many levels and you've had so much good advice, my little gem is that people can only effect you if you give them the power to do so.

It is right not to get your sister involved, its your mothers problem and one day she will regret it and probably when it is too late.

Be strong you have a fab family of you own and that's all you need.

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you don't allow them to have contact with your children, in fact I think you should feel guilty if you DO allow contact because someone who can do that to their own daughter is only going to have a negative effect on your children.

I hope you are ok, I can't imagine how horrible this must feel.

You also need to think about the effect that this could have had on your children. Say you'd told them the 'news' and then had to tell them it wasn't true. I wonder if your mum even stopped to consider this.

And what about if she said something similar to your children in the future? How would they be able to cope?

I really am so sorry for you. I can't begin to understand what it must have felt like to hear this. I really do think that you and your children would be better off without them.

Rosy the anger & pain are not going to disappear overnight just because you decide to close the door.

Please seek professional help if you can or meditate or go to your church or do whatever you're into to learn to live with this.

It is your mother after all and we do not just wipe the slate clean on such matters. She's part or your DNA literally and metaphorically.

Read the thread mentioned above (Don't you love that title " But we took you to stately homes!!) - or parts of it. It is as long as a 19th century russian novel.
Very cathartic. Puts things into perspective. learn from other peoples experience.
It's OK. we do not have to love our parents. We do not chose them. We love them if they are worth loving. If they only give us the worst, we should not feel sorry for them because they are alcoholic or else. they are grown up people and responsible for their actions.
However painful it is you have to move on now. don't let it linger and fester.

What magicdragon said is really important. She didn't stop to think about the effect on your children, or anyone else for that matter. It really is all about her, isn't it?

My mother is exactly the same. Not done anything this bad, but has been utterly spiteful and vindictive towards me as well.

You have to realise that you cannot ever ever change her. You can only change how you respond to her - or, indeed, if you ever respond to her in any way again. No-one will blame you for cutting her out of your life.

My parents are both dependant on alcohol as well, and they really are the most selfish and controlling people on the planet. Everything always has to revolve around them and their feelings. And they do not believe that anyone else's feelings are valid.

My mother becomes awful once she's been drinking, although my father's behaviour doesn't change. However, he will not do anything to help her stop drinking because it would mean he would have to stop too. Similarly, he has never done anything about her abusive behaviour towards me because that would mean placing himself in the firing line.

Trouble is that it is so "normalised" within the family that no-one else seems to notice how wrong it is, and can't understand why I don't want to just put up with it anymore. That's why it's pointless involving your sister.

Anyway, OP, I really feel for you and hope you get through this for yourself. I had loads of counselling and have very good insight into the causes of all this, but I still struggle with managing my feelings when I am dealing with my parents. A close friend who is also our GP has suggested cognitive behavioural therapy to help with this, and that could help you too.

You have had lots of good advice. I read this thread yesterday and was too shocked to post.

You wonder if you are doing your children disservice by cutting her out of your life. No. In my opinion, for the sake of your children it is ill adviced to keep in touch with her. I would not let a woman like that anywhere near my children in fear of what she might say, or do, to retaliate for whatever it is she thinks you, or they have done. What if she gets so mad with you, or frustrated with life in general that she tells your children that YOU have died?

If she can lie and tell her own daughter that her father has died, I am sure she is capable of telling her grandchildren that their father/mother has died.

For the sake of your children, please think carefully what you will allow they go through.

You have bad memories, what makes you think she will give your children better memories than she gave her own child?

rosy, you poor thing.

As I read your first post I got to the bit about the text and I thought that was the issue - that she told you that kind of news by text.

But I was really, really shocked when I read what she'd actually done.

I can't really believe your sister can defend what she's done. It's so awful.

I agree with the others. There is no reason to feel bad about keeping your children away from someone who would behave like that.

Oh...my...God! I'm just speechless.

Please join us on the 'BUt we took you to stately homes' thread.
'Stately homes' is a metaphor for the all the insignificant 'good' things our parents feel they have done for us as if they somehow negate all the hurtful and abusive things. That e-mail about your father dying was emotional abuse. Disgusting. Come and discuss it with us, if you like.

Just a few things I want to add.

1. She will NEVER change. The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life was to finally admit that my mother would never change and become a loving, normal person.

2. She sounds like she is the kind of person who consumes a lot of your energy. Always making sure you are walking on eggshells. This energy should be devoted to your children and husband (and work, friends, whatever). One way to stop this poison reaching your children is to cut her out. That is a good enough reason. Forget about feeling guilty and FORGET about what other people might say to you.

3. but at the end of the day, this is your decision. But just to let you know that no-one will think any the worse of you if you decide to close the door on your mother.

I think the same as QS - imagine if she'd directly texted your dc's with false news?

You must protect yourself and them.

Wow. I can only emphasize what others have said. It's not as if it's the kind of thing you'll look back on in years to come and laugh!

Just take care of you and yours

I was thinking about you today, and more about why your mother would do this. I think in her mind she is saying, 'Look, your father could die at any moment and you are not even in contact with us to know it! WHat a bad daughter you are.' So in her warped mind she sent that evil message in order to punish you for not pandering to her more,and not calling. Maybe she believes that with this, you will suddenly think 'My GOd, my father could have died and I wouldn't have known--maybe I should be a better daughter and keep in touch more.'
But in fact, your mother has got herself the opposite of what she wants. With this cruel and shocking behaviour, she has effectively cut some of the last shreds of a relationship.

Thinking of you. Hope you can work out what to do.