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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - feel physically sick - my mum has hurt me so badly.

72 replies

rosyfour · 23/10/2008 14:24

To give some history, I have a difficult relationship with my parents for many reasons, but feel very resentful towards my father who is an alcoholic and would rather drink than be with family, and I have struggled with depression and issues regarding self esteem. I have felt a lot of anger towards them both since the birth of my daughters - its been a bit of a double whammy as whilst coming to terms with the realisation that I want to be a very different type of parent I have been forced to accept their lack of interest and love for my children. They moved permenantly from Northumberland to Spain last August and things have been a lot worse since then, barely no contact but what there has been has take the form of angry emails and strained phonecalls.

I received a text message from my mum this morning which said (word for word) "Just to let you know your father died this morning". I tried to ring her straightaway but her phone just kept going on to answer, so I called my sister - who was completely shocked and knew nothing. We were both crying on the phone, and she said she was going to try our parents landline to find out more. I rang her back 10 minutes later and am told "Its not true - Dad is alive, she is just very very angry at you"

I have been physically sick 3 times today since then, a mixture of shock and anger I think. How could she do something so awful? I have been working through so much crap this last year since they left the UK, trying to come to terms with things and trying to get things to a point where we can communicate without anger and I have held out the olive branch so many times in terms of sending photos of the children and begging them just to talk to their grand-daughters on the phone and have a relationship with them. This is not the first thing that she has done to try to hurt me but it is certainly the most awful so far. I don't know if I will be able to get past this incident and forgive my mum. How can my own mother want to hurt me so badly? I have tried so hard to feel compassion for her and think how stressed she must be but I feel so devastated and that I want to cut them off from my life completely to stop them hurting me. Please help.

OP posts:

Original poster

rosyfour · 23/10/2008 14:49

Yes bozza - she gave my sister an awful fright too and I hope she is sorry about that, she could have hurt and confused a lot more people too as I was on the verge of phoning my granny and had told my husband too, he is very supportive thankfully.

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 23/10/2008 14:51

Your sister is probably under more of your mum's control than you think. She can see the way your mother is treating you and is frightened of being treated in the same way.

You need to tell your sister what you are doing and why. Forget what I said about her acting as messenger, best not to involve her at all. Just lay down what you are going to do and why you are going to do it.

No sensible person would argue with your decision. Stress is not an excuse for telling someone that their father had died and then tying the phone up so they couldn't call.

You have a young family to look after, they are your priority. I'm sure you understand that your mother is ill and needs help, but until she accepts that help you can no longer be expected to put up with that kind of behaviour.

lulumama · 23/10/2008 14:52

rosy, it is up to you, not MN if you repair things with your mum. if this is the latest in a long array of nasty things, i would take this as the final straw. it is such a nasty, cruel and deliberately hurtful thing to say, there is no way it could have been misinterpreted or have anotehr meaning read into it. she lied to you that your dad had died. there is no way for it to be painted as something else. sounds like she has nothing to add to your lives. so what if she is stressed and worried? does not excuse her sitting down and deliberately sending you taht message

MrsMattie · 23/10/2008 14:54

How awful. Your mum sounds like a mentally unstable and very toxic person. Perhaps it is time to sever contact? I would think about seeking some sort of counselling to help you to deal with all this. So sorry you have had such a horrible day.

slim22 · 23/10/2008 14:55

We obviously don't have the full story here. We do not know why or how it has come to this.
Not my place to ask.

You can

devote a lot of energy salvaging the relationship. Only you know if you have the stomach for it. You'd be doing this for you not for them.
SHUT-THE-DOOR here again, only you know best.

whatever works for your sanity and in the long run your peace of mind.
Whatever you do, think twice, NOW. When they are really gone all you have left is a lifetime of regret ahead of you.

LadyLauraStandish · 23/10/2008 14:56

This is one of the nastiest things I've read in a long time. My mother was bizarre but even she didn't go this far.

The most important thing right now is for you to protect your own mental health and protect your own little family. Allowing this woman to be part of your life will not help either of these.

Naturally, as Lulu says, the decision is yours but you must consider your husband and children too. They are more important that your so-called "mother".

filz · 23/10/2008 15:00

rosyfour, can you please go to your gp and ask to see a counsellor? better still if you are your partner have any medical insurance you can get it privately. It will help you get past this and help you start making decisions. You really do not need anyone like this in your life But I and everyone else can tell you this but you need to find solace yourself in a decision to cut off from them and having some kind of therapy will help you be able to this.#

They soundabsolutely awful and I just want to hug you xx

Original poster

rosyfour · 23/10/2008 15:01

Slim - do you mean when they really are gone as in when they have died, or just once I have shut the door?

The regret is what I am worried about, and that my own daughters may accuse me of denying them a relationship with their grandparents.

I truly have no idea whether I have the energy to salvage things.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 23/10/2008 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

10krunner · 23/10/2008 15:03

I'm afraid I also have to agree - I had to do the same thing with my parents - I have no contact with them and my life is so much better for it.

filz · 23/10/2008 15:03

I( sound like a broken record but counselling helps you overcome any guilt you may or may not have. Its particually useful for it

LadyLauraStandish · 23/10/2008 15:03

Well, Rosy, by the time I was born only one of my grandparents was still alive and he ignored me for being a girl!!!!

Why would you want your children to have a relationship with such toxic people? They might damage your children rather than adding anything to their lives.

filz · 23/10/2008 15:04

I am estranged from my father and i am so much better for it too. I dont even think about him anymore

batters · 23/10/2008 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slim22 · 23/10/2008 15:13

I think better cut off ties as they do sound toxic.

I guess my point is if you do,it will be a little bit like grieving for their death. with all it entails.... all that shit about oh what if i'd given it a chance blah blah blah.....
DO NOT internalise grief.

If you are going to turn the page, get counselling.

wuzzlefraggle · 23/10/2008 15:14

This is shocking! I hope that you are ok.

Thats disgusting behavior on your mums part - why would she do such a thing?

I don't see my mum anymore (have not seem her for 2 years - no contact at all). Yeah, i think about her every so often, but it was the right choice as she is a bad person.

It is an incredibly hard decision to make, but as Filz said, I too feel better for doing it now.

It would not have been fair of me to let my daughter be dragged into her seriously messed up bubble.

slim22 · 23/10/2008 15:15

And yes good point about your future relationship with your daughter (s).

Funny how history repeats itself. Patterns and all....subconscious behavior etc...

more · 23/10/2008 15:18

Your children will be fine without the contact and so will you. When they get older you can explain everything to them.
However it is your choice as to what you want to happen next (whether you cut contact, confront, or let things progress as previously).
I am stunned in her mind you must have done something really shitty to make her this nasty towards you.
it might help to talk with these nice people

nooOOOoonki · 23/10/2008 15:22

But please don't think tha tyou will have to have a similar relationship with your daughter, I'm sure you will go out of you way to avoid this.

many friends of mine have had terrible relationships with a parent and have NOT repeated it with their own children

Also try and avoid putting your sister in the middle in anyway, and don't feel bad that she is still in contact, your mother is likely to try and drive a wedge between you.

hoppoor you, hope that you are feeling better now, x

Original poster

rosyfour · 23/10/2008 15:29

I panic everyday that I will make my girls feel as low as I did/still do sometimes, and I am constantly trying to think of ways to boost their confidence. One thing is for sure, their Dad is AMAZING and is 100% there for them. He doesn't spend 2 thirds of his life down the pub and he loves them to pieces. So I know already they are better off than I was, I do wonder whether this is what my parents can't take, we are such a strong little family with a lovely life and an amazing future ahead of us. Part of me feels pigheaded and conceited in thinking that they could be jealous but the more I think about it the more likely it seems.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 23/10/2008 15:30

I have tried so hard to feel compassion for her and think how stressed she must be but I feel so devastated and that I want to cut them off from my life completely to stop them hurting me. Please help.

For your own self presivasion you need to really take a step backward away from this toxic relationship. Put your arm out in front of you and know that that is where you need to keep your relationship with this person.

Your relationship with this lady is really turbulent and is going to effect the relationship with your dd's - because it will drain you and upset you when really you should be having pleasant times with your own children.

I can't understand why this lady has behaved in this mannor, it is not a mature or sensible thing to do - play games and that is what this is a game, mind games. Perhaps there is some trouble in her life living with the man she does and she has done this for years - not an easy life.

That though is not your fault or problem, really. Your concern is with your own family and making it a good balanced family. So put up a few defense walls if you need to and batten down the hatches.

I would not get dragged into this game and therefore would ignor the bad behaviour.

Send a card at Christmas and a note and leave it there.

Make a good life for yourself and concentrate your energy there.

filz · 23/10/2008 15:37

rosy, have you ever had any counselling?

You need to stop worrying you will be awful (as I am sure you wont be) Be good to yourself and get the help you need. They have filled your head with poison for so long that you believe them

suzywong · 23/10/2008 15:38

Haven't read the thread, rosyfour, so don't know if this has been mentioned before. I don't know your financial situation but I would recommend seeing a psychoanalyst who will be able to talk through your issues of self esteem and help you come to terms with protecting yourself against your parents. You could ask your GP for a referral or to recommend someone in private practice. I have had "issues" regarding my relationship with my mother and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY.

good luck

suzywong · 23/10/2008 15:40

and a session or two with a psych WILL help you believe that you do not have to pass on this style of parenting, as you seem worried about being a good enough mum.

I felt I owed it to my DH and kids to get things straightened out. It sounds like you do too, iYSWIM

HTH

BloodyStranglingwithBling · 23/10/2008 15:40

I honestly cannot understand what would make anyone, particularly a parent, so angry they would do something like this.

I do not for a moment think you should entertain any feelings of guilt for this, but I think you should look at why she was supposedly so angry with you that she would do this. I would suggest there might be some signal as to her reasons there - they have to be pretty sad and sick, but they'll be there. Which might help you to realise even more that this person is not normal.

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